tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90155221324436851972024-03-13T00:30:53.444+00:00Relubbus RoundupThe magazine that reports the news and makes the news in West Penwith!
Incorporating the Barncoose Bugler, Gulval Mail, Long Rock Spectator, Perranzabuloe Times, and Zennor Advertiser.Editor: Sylvanus Penhaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11232016552891940513noreply@blogger.comBlogger26718tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9015522132443685197.post-64211922119228661902011-09-04T18:39:00.000+01:002011-09-04T18:39:23.278+01:00TUCKINGMILL MAN RECEIVES WELL-DESERVED HONOUR<span style="font-size: large;">A Mr Hirohito Watanabe of <b style="color: purple;">Tuckingmill</b> has been awarded 9th prize in the annual <b style="color: red;">Camborne taxi-drivers' awards</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Banzai Bob" Hirohito Watanabe (62), formerly of Nagasaki and now from Tuckingmill, is a traditional Japanese rickshaw puller (<i>Muhomatsu no issho</i>) in the old style, who came to this country over 40 years ago in order to make a living and to learn to speak English.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Correctly concluding that he would be the first rickshaw puller in West Cornwall, he believed that there was a good living to be made here.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">After the first 10 years, Mr Watanabe was eventually beginning to settle in and coming to be accepted by the locals, who gave him his pet name of "<i style="color: blue;">Banzai Bob</i>".</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Admittedly during the first few years, bookings were very few and far between, as people seemed reluctant to be pulled about by a panting oriental gentleman wearing nothing but his underpants and a lampshade on his head.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Gradually though, in fashion-conscious Tuckingmill, it came to be seen as a style statement to be transported hither and thither in <i style="color: blue;">"Banzai Bob's"</i> rickshaw.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">After a slow start - it did take a good 10 years - it became an attractive novelty to be pulled by "Banzai" down to the pub and back, particularly if you paid the extra for him to go at his highest (running) speed.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">A particular favourite amongst pub visitors being pulled home is to get "Bob" to do his emergency stop, which invariably results in a hospitalisation for either puller or pullee and sometimes for both.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jFukRe4UHHQ/TmOOjYsBvFI/AAAAAAAADJw/7MaooMgjuas/s1600/4344482.97f68c04.240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jFukRe4UHHQ/TmOOjYsBvFI/AAAAAAAADJw/7MaooMgjuas/s1600/4344482.97f68c04.240.jpg" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">"Bob" is shown here pulling his wife - formerly Tamsin Trevanion (32) - now Mrs Watanabe, who decided to <i style="color: blue;">"goferit an' put on the Nip clothes tuh 'elp the boy out!"</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Tamsin, a failed call-girl, decided against trying to make go of it as a TV presenter on the back of her grade D in Media Studies and instead become just a normal Tuckingmill housewife.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">No children have resulted from the marriage, but the couple have built up a fine stable of ferrets, which are the envy of the neighbourhood.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">"Bob" has had to struggle with the language and has not progressed very far in mastering Tuckingmill English or any other variant of the language.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">However, after a couple of hours of explanation, he did take on board the significance of his ninth place award in the much sought-after annual Camborne Taxi Awards, which will be presented next week in the prestigious surroundings of the <b style="color: blue;">Corn Exchange</b> in Commercial Street.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">"Bob" has announced that he will simply respond with three well-chosen Japanese words:</span><br />
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</style> <b><span lang="JA" style="color: magenta; font-family: "MS 明朝","serif"; font-size: large;">私は光栄です</span></b><span style="font-size: large;"> <i style="color: blue;">"Watashi wa Koeidesu"</i>, which means <i style="color: blue;">"I am honoured!"</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Bob has stated that the success of his business has led him to consider the setting up of an apprentice scheme for young Cornish lads, who would like to strike out on their own as rickshaw-pullers in other parts of Cornwall. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">If you are interested, you can contact "Bob" via the <i>Roundup</i>.</span><br />
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<div style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>COMPETITION CORNER</b></span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Which of these two singers had a hit record with <i style="color: blue;">24 hours from Tulsa</i>?</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SQVHCYffSvc/TmOSot0UC3I/AAAAAAAADJ0/TDP_r_-kxnY/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="162" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SQVHCYffSvc/TmOSot0UC3I/AAAAAAAADJ0/TDP_r_-kxnY/s200/images.jpeg" width="200" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Was it A - Gene Pitney?</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iky1UgVSa2A/TmOTEEYawQI/AAAAAAAADJ4/-tShFZQ5FqU/s1600/502598528-faschingstreiben-starnberger-rathaus.9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iky1UgVSa2A/TmOTEEYawQI/AAAAAAAADJ4/-tShFZQ5FqU/s200/502598528-faschingstreiben-starnberger-rathaus.9.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Or was it B -- Tommy Trembath?</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">To win this month's BIG PRIZE, just send in a letter to the editor enclosing a £50 note and giving your answer A or B.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The first letter containing a correct answer to be opened in the big draw in one month's time will win this month's prize of a Long Playing record of all Tommy's greatest hits!</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Relubbus Roundup</div>Editor: Sylvanus Penhaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11232016552891940513noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9015522132443685197.post-909058366420267622011-08-25T10:48:00.000+01:002011-08-25T10:48:01.186+01:00YES!!!!! THE ROUNDUP IS BACK .......AND NEWS INTERNATIONAL IS DOWN AND OUT<span style="font-size: large;">The Roundup offers sincere apologies for its recent enforced period of 'radio silence'.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N0KaglnBNhw/TlKbLBB_fjI/AAAAAAAADJc/gHKLQoLxqng/s1600/comb-over-100.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N0KaglnBNhw/TlKbLBB_fjI/AAAAAAAADJc/gHKLQoLxqng/s200/comb-over-100.jpg" width="150" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">This was caused by the unfortunate, and, in our view, wholly unwarranted detention of the entire <i>Roundup</i> reporting and production team. We had planned an editorial 'Awayday' and picnic at Hayle Towans. This proved to be an unwise choice of venue.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Readers will know that it situated in <b style="color: red;">The People's Republic of Hayle</b>, which is ruled by eccentrically coiffeured but steely Stalinist dictator and mummy's boy, <b style="color: magenta;">Tregavarah Ventongimps</b> (42), pictured here on the left.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The oversensitive Ventongimps, who was angered at our frequent references to his exotic combover hairstyle, immediately gave orders for our arrest and detention on learning that the <i>Roundup</i> crew were consuming pasties in the summer rain on the towans.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We were taken to a bleakly dark granite building in Copperhouse, where we were incarcerated and destined to be forgotten Indeed, one of our number heard the unmistakably evil and high pitched voice of Ventongimps himself as he commanded his minions to '<i style="color: blue;">thraw they bleddy keys away!</i>"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">However, we were not forgotten by the good people of Relubbus. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">At the personal command of the esteemed leader of the <b>Greater Relubbus Urban Council</b> (GRUC), Councillor <b style="color: purple;">Billy Spargo</b> (131) the security service of the state of Relubbus (Mr Ernie Pascoe (33)) was instructed to discover our whereabouts.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It took him just months to track us down using a combination of painstakingly tenacious detective work, satellite spy skullduggery and the inimitable skills of 'Dippy', the three-legged champion sniffer dog.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ghy3sy73m60/TlVEEHPRH7I/AAAAAAAADJs/VrYR_QvTbyw/s1600/Hardings+Delivery+Cart+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="131" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ghy3sy73m60/TlVEEHPRH7I/AAAAAAAADJs/VrYR_QvTbyw/s200/Hardings+Delivery+Cart+.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Told of our fate fate, Spargo lost no time in despatching the crack 'S' squad of the Relubbus Military Police to effect a daredevil rescue.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Agents Dick Harvey and Harvey Dick then effected a night operation to secure our release, which they successfully completed thanks in great part to the efforts of their specially trained getaway horse, 'Orsie'.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Frail as a result of our ordeal we will be resuming a halting, irregular but dependable service.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The <i>Roundup</i> remains, as ever , at your service!!</span><br />
<div style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>WATCH OUT JAMIE OLIVER!! HERE COMES NIGEL BATTEN!!</b></span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Nigel Batten (19) is, according to his mother Sandra, Relubbus' answer to <b style="color: magenta;">Jamie Oliver</b>.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q5DQnSpjB4Q/TlVDYVZ6pVI/AAAAAAAADJg/v8YHEByJO3g/s1600/10758565.1dee651e.240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q5DQnSpjB4Q/TlVDYVZ6pVI/AAAAAAAADJg/v8YHEByJO3g/s200/10758565.1dee651e.240.jpg" width="167" /></a></span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Older readers will recall that Sandra herself achieved some degree of fame, if not notoriety, for her invention of 'Cledra Cola, an intriguing brown drink of pungently stirring natural ingredients produced in Nancledra on her cousin's farm.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The purgative claims made for the drink were no exaggeration, but so efficacious was it in its cleansing properties that it always required a prolonged hospital stay afterwards to recover from it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Sandra maintains that it was only for this reason, and not as a result of any discussions which may or may not have taken place with the inspection and prosecution department of the Relubbus Institute of Clinical Hygiene and Health (RICHH) that 'Cledra Cola disappeared overnight from the shelves.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Sandra is now working on a new version of 'Cledra Cola and promises that we can all expect a big launch next spring.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-10xcDLOdjyU/TlVDkzwqz2I/AAAAAAAADJk/nRZkoMRm3Ok/s1600/10936406.aeca622a.240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-10xcDLOdjyU/TlVDkzwqz2I/AAAAAAAADJk/nRZkoMRm3Ok/s200/10936406.aeca622a.240.jpg" width="194" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Meanwhile, all eyes are on her son, Nigel.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">This enigmatic boy, who went to school in <b style="color: lime;">Prospidnick</b> and was marked out by his already fearful teachers as 'one to watch' is poised to take the culinary world by storm.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In fact he says that he is going to turn the pasty world upside down!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i style="color: blue;">"People ebbent never seen pasties like they ones I'm bringin' out!"</i> he declared.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Told by his mother to <i style="color: blue;">'shut yer big gob!"</i> and not spill the beans before the big launch next week at the flagship <b style="color: blue;">Boswedden Lane </b><b style="color: purple;">R C Oates Superstore</b>, Nigel obediently stopped talking immediately. We can exclusively reveal that the revolutionary new range of Batten pasties - to be sold under the catchy slogan of <i style="color: blue;">'Batten down yer 'atch</i>' - will include inspired novelties such as deep-fried pasties, pasties on a stick and pasties in coloured icing for special occasions such as Pirates rugby matches.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HegQGaPOCd4/TlVDzD7I1_I/AAAAAAAADJo/gBuepCfaHpk/s1600/2978918.383e81dc.240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HegQGaPOCd4/TlVDzD7I1_I/AAAAAAAADJo/gBuepCfaHpk/s200/2978918.383e81dc.240.jpg" width="156" /></a></span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Production will admittedly be rather limited at the outset, since Nigel's girlfriend, Lorraine, is currently the only one producing the pasties.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Nigel describes himself as <i style="color: blue;">"th' ideas man and marketin' genius be'ind the 'ole operation!" </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">However, he fully expects to be employing over 2,000 people in pasty production within just a matter of weeks.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Cornishwomen everywhere are invited to consider contributing their pasty-making skills to this great new venture. Wages - in excess of 10p per hour - are expected to be paid. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">If you want to see and sample the wares, be at R C Oates Superstore in Relubbus next Tuesday at 10.00 am!</span><br />
<div style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A VOLUNTEER CHAPEL ASSISTANT??</b></span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xcBvc08LQI8/TlKZh7RGUyI/AAAAAAAADJY/NZA9xcThg9I/s1600/image6491.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xcBvc08LQI8/TlKZh7RGUyI/AAAAAAAADJY/NZA9xcThg9I/s200/image6491.jpg" width="136" /></a></div><span style="font-size: large;">Following the sad passing of Walter Gerontius Penberty at the ripe old age of 124, a vacancy has now arisen in the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels for a <b style="color: blue;">Volunteer Chapel Assistant</b>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Walter is shown here on the left in his favourite picture, which was taken whilst he was a schoolboy at the Prospidnick Academy for Lads with Attention Deficit Disorder.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The post of Volunteer Chapel Assistant is one which Walter has held with pride for the last 34 years of his long life, following his retirement at the age of 94 after a successful career as a trapeze artist with the R C Oates Travelling Circus, which is hugely popular all year round from the Lizard to St Agnes to Lands End.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The important job of Volunteer Chapel Assistant - or VCA - involves servicing the needs of all the chapels in the West Penwith Area by undertaking sundry duties for them all every Sunday.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In view of the distance between the chapels, the job requires the services of an energetic person, who is in possession of a speedy bicycle, preferably one with gears.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Since the position is voluntary, it carries no remuneration. However, since the Chapel Assistant will be servicing the needs of congregations of sometimes in excess of 9 people, he - or she - can be sure of a lot of heartfelt gratitude.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The post is expected to attract many applicants and selection will be made by the following means:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1I6d_urdqvQ/TlKY-TDya_I/AAAAAAAADJU/bnwsA0VSrzc/s1600/2762902.81b41ce5.240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1I6d_urdqvQ/TlKY-TDya_I/AAAAAAAADJU/bnwsA0VSrzc/s200/2762902.81b41ce5.240.jpg" width="140" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">There will be an on-line test to get numbers down to a final 500.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">There will then be a series of telephone interviews to get the numbers down to a final 20.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The lucky 20 will then be interviewed by Mrs Betty Peninula (97) (pictured) and her talking budgie "Pretty Boy" to choose the final 6.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The final 6 will then be interviewed by the Reverend Madron Bolitho.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">If you think that you have got what it takes, you are welcome to try for the job.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">For each of the 20 chapels every Sunday, you must undertake most, and sometimes all, of the following duties:</span><br />
<ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Put the hymns up</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Pump up the organ</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Arrange the flowers</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Polish the collection plate</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Take up the collection</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Act as sidesman</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Manage the communion wine (ensuring that it is strictly non-alcoholic)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Wash and clean glasses</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Polish the Minister's shoes</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Be on hand to take the blame if the Minister has an unfortunate loud farting incident during prayers</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Plan the Sunday School treat</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Manage the Sunday School treat</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Be the Sunday School Superintendent</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Take all the Sunday School classes</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Tend the chapel garden</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Mow the lawn</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Sweep the pavement</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Sing in the choir (as bass, tenor, alto or soprano as required)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Take the occasional service</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Be the congregation</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Open up chapel</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Lock up chapel</span></li>
</ul><span style="font-size: large;">If you would like to be considered, send a stamped addressed envelope with a cheque for £375 to the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels, Boswedden lane, Relubbus.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Relubbus Roundup</div>Editor: Sylvanus Penhaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11232016552891940513noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9015522132443685197.post-3453032716640031622011-03-07T12:21:00.000+00:002011-03-07T12:21:12.595+00:00SHOCK REVELATION ABOUT DUCHY'S GOLDEN COUPLE<span style="font-size: large;">Starstruck followers of Relubbus high society have long been used to tales about the extravagant lifestyle of the 'golden couple' - <b style="color: blue;">Bert 'Len' Harvey</b> from Towednack and <b style="color: magenta;">Lily Nicholls</b> from Perrannuthnoe.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-J307c0wz-IU/TXPFGJhlm4I/AAAAAAAADJE/8ePl20Owesw/s1600/4548859_f520.jpg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="667" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-J307c0wz-IU/TXPFGJhlm4I/AAAAAAAADJE/8ePl20Owesw/s320/4548859_f520.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">As our readers will be well aware, Len prides himself on never having done an honest day's work in his life. He has passed his time contentedly trolling around the Duchy of Cornwall - sometimes in fancy costumes - obtaining freebies wherever he can. He has been most successful at it. In fact, he has turned <b>cadging off the Duchy</b> into a fine art form.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">He is shown here, together with a bewildered Lily who can't find her roll-ups, in a snap taken at Penzance railway station, where he has just spotted the rent man coming towards him to try - unsuccessfully - to collect the 55 years rent owing on the luxury accommodation he shares with Lily in <b style="color: #38761d;">Colinsey Road, Penzance</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">So famous has the couple become that no society event in Cornwall is now complete without an appearance from the <b><i>'Colinsey Kickback Kids'</i></b>. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Now, however, a new and unexpected light has been shone onto the so-called Duke and Duchess of Cornwall.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-_GwM1wpc9-M/TXPFSXJKgaI/AAAAAAAADJI/5oJbvk61sRM/s1600/article-1099063-02D73B2D000005DC-762_468x286.jpg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="668" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="188" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-_GwM1wpc9-M/TXPFSXJKgaI/AAAAAAAADJI/5oJbvk61sRM/s320/article-1099063-02D73B2D000005DC-762_468x286.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Following a heavy night out drinking with the girls at the <b style="color: purple;">Swordfish Inn in Newlyn</b>, Lily let slip, after her eighteenth port and lemon, that she has never had carnal relations with Len. Instead, she related, it is her reclusive twin sister, Filly, who lives in a nearby field, who has been the recipient of Len's earnestly amorous attentions.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Apparently, Len is unable to tell the two girls apart. The <i>Roundup </i>has managed to obtain a rare family photo of the two girls together. When you look at it, you can appreciate Len's problem.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">If you are still struggling, Lily is the one on the right.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>SHOCK FOR MOUSEHOLE BUSINESSMAN</b></span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Tommy Tregarthen</b> (49) is a man who has made it big in fish. Over 33 years he has built up a wet fish empire, which has grown to one shop in Mousehole AND a delivery van.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Tommy is a popular man in Mousehole. Apart from fish, his interests are <b>rhododendrons, pickled turnips, yodelling and conkers</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Tommy is also known to be something of a ladies' man. One person very much of that opinion is his estranged wife. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Nancy (41) is a senior stylist at <i style="color: magenta;"><b>Shelley's of St Just and Paris</b></i> and she is also still exceedingly bitter about their separation and her failure to get a judge to agree that she should be entitled to receive half of Tommy's delivery van.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It was with some surprise that the <i>Roundup</i> received an invitation to visit the Tregarthen family home in Mousehole. Nancy lives in the house and Tommy lives in a caravan in the drive, in which he occasionally receives lady visitors, which stirs Nancy's jealousy and anger to ever new heights.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">When we arrived at the home, Nancy positioned our photographer and then summoned Tommy to come inside the house.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">As soon as he had crossed the threshold, she launched a ritual verbal attack - with a new and one-off twist.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: blue;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">"You bleddy basterd! You 'ad that li'll tart, Kylie Pierce, in the caravan las' night, didnee? Bleddy fool, you don't knaw where she been. It'll be all ovver the Kwop by lunchtime. Well, neow, I gotta surprise fer you, my cock!!"</span></i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-66wazvTBKWk/TXPFc22knQI/AAAAAAAADJM/3ovfCCrfhVw/s1600/Cabiria09.jpg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="669" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-66wazvTBKWk/TXPFc22knQI/AAAAAAAADJM/3ovfCCrfhVw/s320/Cabiria09.jpg" width="195" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Drawing herself up to her full four foot one inch (for they are both people of restricted growth), she then declared with great glee, <i style="color: blue;">"Well, my bird, don't gwout lookin' fer yer van today! 'Es my luvver, idn there namore! 'Es , I parked 'n' up somewhere special far ee, my 'ansome!" </i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">At the mention of his beloved Austin A35 van, he blenched in fear of what news might follow, for he strongly sensed that the news might not be good.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Fixing him with an intense stare, which sought to drain his very life force and savouring this moment of pay-back time, Nancy then administered the killer blow. <i style="color: blue;">"'Es Cappen, I parked 'n' up sum proper far ee this time.</i> [Dramatic Pause] <i style="color: blue;">I pushed 'n' ovver th' edge o' Mousehole Pier!"</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">This was the moment captured by our ace photographer, Dougie Pengelly.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="color: purple;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">ADVERTISEMENT</span></b></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Do you require a not-so-decorative slattern with a particularly foul mouth?</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-0PIxkiLHkjg/TXPFm4g0UoI/AAAAAAAADJQ/eVkE_pk_7oc/s1600/CC6.jpg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="670" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-0PIxkiLHkjg/TXPFm4g0UoI/AAAAAAAADJQ/eVkE_pk_7oc/s320/CC6.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Lucy Trevanion</b> (27) an unsuccessful trainee streetwalker from Botallack, where business is extremely slack at present, is seeking new employment.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Her ideal job would be operating the mangle in Penzance laundry, which she would find rewarding and fun. She claims to have come third in the 2008 Apprentice series and syas that she is accordingly passionate about business.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Lucy can be contacted only by post - addressed to Lucy Trevanion, Botallack.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Relubbus Roundup</div>Editor: Sylvanus Penhaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11232016552891940513noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9015522132443685197.post-54137093847485872452011-01-30T15:51:00.000+00:002011-01-30T15:51:58.343+00:00STRAIGHT COUPLE DENIED ENTRY TO GAY B&B<div style="color: #274e13;"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Relubbus is rightly known internationally for its tolerance and it veritably glitters in the light of its reputation as a safe haven for folk of all persuasions.</span></i></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TUQ93qzEd5I/AAAAAAAADIs/cJlk4bL5REA/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="679" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TUQ93qzEd5I/AAAAAAAADIs/cJlk4bL5REA/s1600/images.jpeg" /></a></span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It is therefore no surprise that Prospidnick in Greater Relubbus is the chosen site of the first nudist gay B&B, run by devoted couple Ron Trezise (76) and his longterm partner Ron Polglaze (65).</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The two gents, who have been working as itinerant plumbers in West Penwith since their teens, first bumped into one another whilst working on emergency repairs in the Gents in Penlee Park in Penzance on one balmy evening back in 1968. Since then they have been an item.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">As Ron T. explained, <i style="color: blue;">"If you duh ask fer ee, you duh get we and if you duh ask fer me, you duh still get we!"</i> For this reason they became known as the <i style="color: blue;">"Two fer one plumbers, oo duh get the job done inaff the time!"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The two Rons are leading lights in the <b style="color: magenta;">Gwavas Contralto Queer Choir</b>, which has been a champion of gay rights in the West Penwith musical world for decades. They are also both fanatical gardeners and passionately ardent nudists.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">When retirement came, they decided <i style="color: blue;">"to set up a B&B fer folks like we!"</i> They then searched out a round house, the very shape of which would embody their opposition to anything square.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TUQ-EU7e6tI/AAAAAAAADIw/70sU9M5qfWY/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="680" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TUQ-EU7e6tI/AAAAAAAADIw/70sU9M5qfWY/s1600/images.jpeg" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">When they set eyes on the Prospidnick round house, they fell in love with its circular simplicity. As it is beautifully round, they have divided it up into segments like some great pink grapefruit. <b style="color: #c27ba0;">Pink</b> is incidentally the colour of all the decor and furniture. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">There are 16 segments: one for the kitchenette, one for the bathroom and toilet, one for the dining room, one for the living room -- which also contains the front door -- and 12 for the guest bedrooms.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Whilst the house is known for its cheery cosiness, the segments are separated from one another by sturdy polyurethane pink-coloured curtains to provide the occupants with some privacy.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The house has been renamed the <b style="color: #c27ba0;">Prospidnick Pink House</b> and it has been doing a roaring trade. There has been a continuous stream of gay nudist tourists from around the world with some coming from as far away as Sidmouth.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TUQ-PhGynwI/AAAAAAAADI0/BzLl7Qjyeho/s1600/image002.jpg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="681" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TUQ-PhGynwI/AAAAAAAADI0/BzLl7Qjyeho/s200/image002.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Then last week the day came when <b>Reginald and Mavis Pollock</b> (both 33 and missionaries) rapped loudly on the door and asked for a room, which brought screeches of dismay from the outraged gays within.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Averting their eyes from the strange sights behind the door and declaiming in loud voices fortified by unshakeable righteousness, Reginald and Mavis demanded the right to be admitted as guests to the B&B.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">They unashamedly declared that they wished to enter so that they might therein pursue their advocacy of the missionary position.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TUQ-XkedkQI/AAAAAAAADI4/VeAKEEGDHP8/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="682" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TUQ-XkedkQI/AAAAAAAADI4/VeAKEEGDHP8/s200/images.jpeg" width="81" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">The two Rons flatly refused and, following many a bitter exchange, 5 minutes later <b style="color: blue;">Inspector Drustan Thaddeus Angove</b> of the Relubbus Police appeared on the scene.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Inspector Angove, a much-feared detective and noted dwarf, took in the situation at a glance. On seeing so many men in a state of undress, his practised eye told him the he needed re-inforcements.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In next to no time nine constables appeared, all armed with truncheons, which caused no end of excitement and delight within the house.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">After some consideration, Inspector Angove led Reginald and Mavis away (still steadfastly averting their eyes), since, in his judgement, their attempt to gain entry to the renowned Pink House was a calculated provocation.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We shall be following any further developments in this case.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>TAI CHI CAN HELP KEEP YOU REGULAR!!</b></span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Gladys Nicholls (108) invites you and all other seniors to join her <b style="color: purple;">Tai Chi class in the Drift community centre on Tuesday evenings at 10.30 pm.</b></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TUQ-8vx4IvI/AAAAAAAADI8/CJWrEabgrSQ/s1600/Old_People_Dancing.jpg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="683" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="121" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TUQ-8vx4IvI/AAAAAAAADI8/CJWrEabgrSQ/s200/Old_People_Dancing.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Having been instructed in this ancient art by no less a personage than "Chinky" Penhaligon of the <b>Dung Po Golden Junk Restaurant</b> in Penzance, Gladys is now ready to pass on her knowledge to pensioners in West Penwith.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Gladys swears by Tai Chi and her husband Gerald also swears a great deal.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The couple are passionate advocates of the generally restorative effects that Tai Chi has on the body and Gladys also maintains that it keeps her regular.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">If you are thinking of joining but are not sure if you will be up to it, Gladys assures that all movements are slow, gentle and graceful and will not place any undue strain on the body.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">She does, however, advise that dentures and any other artificial body pieces are removed before each session. If you do hand over your dentures, you can be sure that you will get a pair back at the end of the session.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">A thirty minutes session costs just £75, so hurry along. There is a coach collection service for seniors between Drift and Relubbus.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Relubbus Roundup</div>Editor: Sylvanus Penhaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11232016552891940513noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9015522132443685197.post-22708191663298510202011-01-24T12:55:00.000+00:002011-01-24T12:55:53.987+00:00POETRY CORNER<span style="font-size: 130%;"><b>By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka</b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i style="color: #274e13;"><b>The celebrated Penzance poet (from Colinsey Road, Treneere) <span style="font-weight: bold;">'Odgo Semmens</span> has composed the following rousing work, which we feel should be given the widest possible viewing. This astonishing work, which displays 'Odgo at his magisterial best, is styled simply and, in a characteristically Cornish way, "<span style="font-style: italic;">I aren't</span>".<br />
<br />
It has already been viewed by 1,789.654 people, who rate it as the greatest work ever written.</b></i></span> <br />
</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><blockquote><span style="font-size: 180%;">I Aren't</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 100%;"><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't goin' in town today,</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't, coz I'm feelin' a bit queasy;</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't goin up Mum's tonight,</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't, coz my sister's too teasy.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't gunna g'wovver Newlyn tonight,</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't, coz is too bleddy cold.</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't gunna g'wout with Liza no more,</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't, coz she's too bleddy old.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't goin' to work in Kwop no more,</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't, coz I couldn' care less.</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't gunna say "no" to Mrs 'Ollis,</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't, coz she the fittest and best.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't gunna say that I'm "English",</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't, coz is not bleddy true:</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I aren't, coz I am bleddy Cornish,</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;">And so, my bleddy friend, are you!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">'Odgo</span></span></span></blockquote></span></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Relubbus Roundup</div>Editor: Sylvanus Penhaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11232016552891940513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9015522132443685197.post-76204817748173386162011-01-16T17:40:00.000+00:002011-01-16T17:40:13.650+00:00SHOCK DOUBLE LIFE OF TOLCARNE SCOUT LEADER REVEALED<div style="color: #274e13;"><i><b><span style="font-size: large;">The Roundup can bring you the startling news that one of Tolcarne's most popular and hitherto upstanding inhabitants - Mr Maurice "Hairclip" Metherell (32), a local butcher and favourite Scout leader - has been leading a double life.</span></b></i></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TTMRi6oHJqI/AAAAAAAADIc/vj0F0iJSaKM/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="639" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TTMRi6oHJqI/AAAAAAAADIc/vj0F0iJSaKM/s200/images.jpeg" width="142" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Metherell, pictured here on the left in his Scout uniform, is popular amongst the lads of the <b>Tolcarne Scout group</b>. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Whilst he can sometimes come across as effeminate, he has been most helpful to the boys in encouraging them to explore their 'feminine side' in true 21st century metrosexual style.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Under Metherell's leadership they were the first scout troop to develop skills in hairdressing and home-baking. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">These early successes were quickly followed by <b style="background-color: white; color: purple;">tutelage and skills in manicure, spray tan and the arts of the air steward</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TTMR8VlvtJI/AAAAAAAADIg/6tu7dj1vgR4/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="640" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TTMR8VlvtJI/AAAAAAAADIg/6tu7dj1vgR4/s200/images.jpeg" width="181" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">It therefore came as a huge surprise, when it was revealed that "Mr Metherell" was leading a second life as Miss Maude Pengelly (29) a <b style="color: magenta;">freelance courtesan</b> operating out of a caravan parked in a layby on the B3315 near the turning for <b>Paul</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Advertising on the internet, Maude Pengelly secured suitors from as far away as Padstow ( a 'Mr Stone', a local chef). </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Her undoing came when she received a visit from a Mr 'John Smith', who turned out to be none other than Mr Willy Botheras (62) from Pendeen, the Cornish Chief Scout and a man well known to "Mr Metherell".</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">As neither party was wearing the strong glasses they both require, it took a minute or two before the penny dropped.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">However, drop it surely did and, as they say in Sennen, the encounter ended <i style="color: blue;">"sooner'n it begun'</i> in a scene of mutual embarrassment. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Tolcarne is now advertising for a new Scout leader and the Pengelly caravan was last seen heading for Padstow in a hurry.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>ADVERTISEMENTS</b></span></div><br />
<div style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>JOIN MARAZION METHODIST PADDLING CLUB!!</b></span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TTMSFUwhfAI/AAAAAAAADIk/6HtjJCRqJIk/s1600/27701u2.preview.jpg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="641" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TTMSFUwhfAI/AAAAAAAADIk/6HtjJCRqJIk/s320/27701u2.preview.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Love the sea, but can't swim?</b></span></div><div style="color: purple;"><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Does standing in deep water make you want to 'go'? </b></span></div><div style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Do you find the bathing costumes of today indecent?</b></span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We know the problem and we know how to deal with it at the <b style="color: red;">Marazion Methodist Paddling Club (MMPC).</b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> At the MMPC:</span><br />
<ul><li><span style="font-size: large;"><i>We don't wear indecent costumes.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><i>We don't go out into water more than four inches deep.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><i> For safety reasons, we always take the waters in groups of no less than ten, one of whom is always attached by rope to a stout tree on shore.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><i>We start every paddling expedition with a rousing rendition of William Whiting's 'Eternal father strong to save' - No. 917 in the Methodist Hymn Book.</i></span></li>
</ul><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">If you are 21 or over, you are welcome to join us at a cost of just £756 per season.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">For this:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">You will receive a 'certified decent' handknitted costume in which you can paddle.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">You will receive an intensive three week paddling safety course.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Thereafter you will be able to join us in safe paddling and song on Marazion beach!</span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>CALLING PARENTS AND YOUNGSTERS EVERYWHERE!</b></span></div><br />
<div style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>FREE YOURSELVES FROM THE EVILS OF THE INTERNET</b></span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TTMSZIGp9DI/AAAAAAAADIo/nUzGvM6UIUU/s1600/30168u.preview.jpg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="642" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TTMSZIGp9DI/AAAAAAAADIo/nUzGvM6UIUU/s320/30168u.preview.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Now both parents and youngsters can have lots of modern up-to-date and care-free communication fun with the <b style="color: purple;">Methodist Morse Code and Radio Kit</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Using this radio, you will find that you can only listen to wholesome family programmes from around the world. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The radio, which comes in a fetching and handy 3ft square walnut-effect box is pre-tuned to receive only <b style="color: magenta;">Methodist Radio Relubbus</b> and ten other Methodist stations around the world (1 in Devon and the others elsewhere in Cornwall).</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">You can sing along with your favourite hymns and even listen to your own requests, if you sre lucky enough to have had them selected from the many hundreds of thousands that are sent in.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">For the technically minded, there is a dial with which you can adjust the volume. However, be careful! You can only listen to this radio set with headphones (2 sets supplied) and you might damage your ears, if you turn the volume up too high.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Parents are advised to listen with their youngsters for the first couple of years until they can be sure that the volume dial is not being abused.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The really interesting feature is the Morse device, which will permit your youngster to communicate with other youngsters. This is guaranteed to give them hours of good clean honest fun.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In view of the potentially addictive nature of this equipment, it is strongly recommended that parents strictly control and limit children's access to it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Parents are advised not to let the youngster near the equipment until AFTER the homework has been done AND checked.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The <b style="color: purple;">Methodist Institute for Juvenile Physical and Mental Health</b> recommends that all youngsters still wearing short trousers (i.e. under 21 years of age) should be permitted no more than 30 minutes fun before they return to the family <b>Scrabble</b> table of an evening.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Relubbus Roundup</div>Editor: Sylvanus Penhaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11232016552891940513noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9015522132443685197.post-78472273125213800832011-01-08T19:53:00.002+00:002011-01-08T23:39:15.725+00:00FURORE AT RADIO RELUBBUS OVER CONTROVERSIAL NEWS DELIVERY<div style="color: #274e13;"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">A right royal furore has broken out over plans at <span style="color: red;">Radio Relubbus</span> to introduce a revolutionary news service to deliver the daily news in mime instead of via the spoken word.</span></i></b></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The man at the centre of the storm is one Pierre Lello (24), a former hairdresser and airline steward, whose last and sadly unsuccessful business venture was the operation of a <b>24 hour emergency manicure consultancy for men</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Following the speedy demise of all his previous employment escapades, Pierre (who was born and known as Cyril Pascoe before he relaunched himself as a mime artiste) was desperately looking around for a job that would fully draw on his sensitive and artistic temperament.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShmofOmC0I/AAAAAAAADIA/Ugt3vM-RZu4/s1600/_44133046_gall_mar1_getty_1962.jpg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="29" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShmofOmC0I/AAAAAAAADIA/Ugt3vM-RZu4/s320/_44133046_gall_mar1_getty_1962.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Considering the matter with his civil partner, <b style="color: blue;">Rodney Rollocks</b> (57), he hit upon the novel idea of delivering the radio news in mime. Pierre judged that this role would fully call on his capacity for grace and delicacy of movement. Give his pronounced stutter, mime would remove any focus on the spoken word (of which there would be none) and transfer the entirety of listener attention to the <i style="color: blue;">"general drift of the news as expressed in mime."</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Mr Rollocks, who happened to be Diversity Director at Radio Relubbus, gave his partner every encouragement and, given his role at the radio, managed to procure the opportunity for Pierre to transmit the 6 o' clock news.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Unfortunately, mime does not lend itself well to the medium of radio. All over Relubbus people were turning up their radios in a vain attempt to hear the news, which was being artistically, but silently, transmitted by Pierre. Alas, no one could hear a thing.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">When the Leader of the <b>Greater Relubbus Urban Council</b> (GRUC) <b>Councillor Billy Spargo</b> (93) switched on his set to hear the news, he was infuriated firstly to hear nothing and then secondly to be told, on 'phoning up the radio station, that the news was being delivered in mime.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">An exasperated Spargo declared <i style="color: blue;">"What a bleddy silly idea! I kent bleeve it! What asshole thought that this was a good idea?!"</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Both Mr Rollocks and Mr Lello have now had to speedily leave the employ of Radio Relubbus and are now seeking new career paths.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: blue;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">TREMBATH SORTS OUT THE BANKERS</span></b></div><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="color: #274e13;"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">GRUC Treasury Councillor, Clem Trembath (71) is cracking down on bankers' bonuses.</span></i></b></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShnJDpUiLI/AAAAAAAADIE/8-XsfibGLSQ/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="30" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShnJDpUiLI/AAAAAAAADIE/8-XsfibGLSQ/s200/images.jpeg" width="153" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Trembath - pictured here at an <i>"Eat a Whopper"</i> pasty supper last week at Prospidnick Women's Institute - is a Methodist local preacher who has often been heard to rail against the excesses of Mammon.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The new round of bonuses set to sweep over Coinagehall Street - the renowned financial district in Relubbus just off fashionable <b style="color: purple;">Boswedden Lane</b> - would see some £73 billion being shared out amongst the 15,000 investment bankers who work in 'Coinage City'.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">This has been a cause of disquiet among many citizens of Relubbus, since it was the bankers who so recently caused the one and only financial crisis in Relubbus history, when imprudent lending and greed brought the banks to their knees, requiring hundreds of billions of Relubbus taxpayers' money to prop them up.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Picking up on the public mood, a recent full GRUC meeting, at which Mr Trembath spoke without notes and without pause for four hours, concluded that such bonuses were obscene and <i style="color: blue;">"the work of the divil."</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In a subsequent shock statement to the financial press, Trembath announced that a special tax at a rate of 99.999% will be levied on the bonuses reducing the pool to a mere £730, which means that each banker will now receive just 5 pence each.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShnRaV6f-I/AAAAAAAADII/AG_OiruSYPc/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="31" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShnRaV6f-I/AAAAAAAADII/AG_OiruSYPc/s200/images.jpeg" width="200" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">When the news was heard in Coinagehall Street, it did not go down very well at all. Some bankers even threatened to emigrate to England, where they said they could find work in the <b style="color: blue;">secondary financial centre of the City of London</b>. This prompted the comment from the "Gland Old Man" of Relubbus politics, Councillor Billy Spargo himself: <i style="color: blue;">"Sod off and good luck to you!"</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The additional tax revenue - amounting to the best part of £73 billion - is to be split three ways between the <b><i>Fund for Fallen Women</i> <i>in Sancreed</i></b>, the <b><i>Relubbus Club for Octogenarian Subaquatic Gymnastics</i></b> and the <b><i>Fund for Free Sunday School Treats for Methodist Children</i></b>.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: blue;">ADVERTISEMENT</span> </span></b></div><div style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">Relubbus Furniture Store Sale - now in its 987th week!!!!</span></b></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">At RFS we have amazing offers instore, which give you 10 years interest-free credit with no payments for the first three years on desirable items such as:-</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShnZLRoK7I/AAAAAAAADIM/k0VqhRqNzfk/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="32" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShnZLRoK7I/AAAAAAAADIM/k0VqhRqNzfk/s200/images.jpeg" width="139" /></a></span></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">This hand-crafted wood-effect chair can be yours for as little as £15 - with nothing to pay for 3 years and interest free credit for an amazing 10 years!!</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShnlL0_reI/AAAAAAAADIQ/tFYDywNFHA0/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="33" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShnlL0_reI/AAAAAAAADIQ/tFYDywNFHA0/s1600/images.jpeg" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">This amazing sofa - rendered in lasting plastique - can be yours to take home for just £34 - with absolutely nothing to pay for 3 years and with interest-free credit for an unbelievable 10 years!!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">(Doris Treglown, our model, would like to point out that she has her own rates, which are available on request).</span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>APPEAL FOR MISSING DOG</b></span></div><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShn5ZFBz6I/AAAAAAAADIU/gUk-5WSqEWs/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="34" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShn5ZFBz6I/AAAAAAAADIU/gUk-5WSqEWs/s1600/images.jpeg" /></a></span></div><div style="color: #274e13;"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Supporters of a Mr Wallace - a baker and amateur politician from London - have launched an appeal to help find his missing dog, Gromit.</span></i></b></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Mr Wallace, shown here in happier times, is absolutely bereft at the loss of his talented dog. <i style="color: blue;">"He was like a brother to me"</i>, he said, amid floods of tears.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Mr Wallace is very attached to his hound and is said to rely on Gromit to help him keep his life in smooth running order.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShocq9_9eI/AAAAAAAADIY/3qAjbWCZbKU/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="35" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TShocq9_9eI/AAAAAAAADIY/3qAjbWCZbKU/s200/images.jpeg" width="115" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Critics have said that, since Gromit jumped ship, Mr Wallace has come up with absolutely no ideas or, at best, only a few half-baked ones.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">A sum of £13, a generous baker's dozen, will be the reward paid to anyone providing information on the whereabouts of Mr Wallace's dog, Gromit.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Gromit, pictured on the left, is instantly recognisable, since he has no mouth, which is quite unusual for a canine.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Relubbus Roundup</div>Editor: Sylvanus Penhaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11232016552891940513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9015522132443685197.post-78135316850826024362010-12-31T13:52:00.000+00:002010-12-31T13:52:13.725+00:00MORGAWR HERALDS AUSPICIOUS YEAR FOR CORNWALLl!!<span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: blue;">The Morgawr</b> has been sighted off Lands End and also at various points around Falmouth all this week.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3EJLZLbAI/AAAAAAAADHs/Buyv1dAhNpE/s1600/windowslivewriterelmonstruodellochnessevidenciafotogrfica-fb12elephantsquid2-thumb4.jpg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="645" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3EJLZLbAI/AAAAAAAADHs/Buyv1dAhNpE/s200/windowslivewriterelmonstruodellochnessevidenciafotogrfica-fb12elephantsquid2-thumb4.jpg" width="176" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Throughout Cornish history sightings of this fabled Cornish sea monster (pictured here in one of the earliest photographs from 1573) have always betokened auspicious events for the land of Kernow.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In particular, sightings of the so-called <b style="color: blue;"><i>'bespectacled Morgawr</i></b>', which can grow up to 200 feet in length, are said to portend good things for the state of Relubbus.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">This is perhaps just as well since 2011 is already shaping up to be an interesting year in which Relubbus begins to punch its full weight on the international stage.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3EQNMYfwI/AAAAAAAADHw/eQY5VaYcHGs/s1600/images_2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="646" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="143" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3EQNMYfwI/AAAAAAAADHw/eQY5VaYcHGs/s200/images_2.jpeg" width="200" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Greater Relubbus Urban Council (<b style="color: #274e13;">GRUC</b>) Leader, <b style="color: blue;">Billy Spargo</b> (129) is back from his Christmas break, spent as usual in his luxury caravan (pictured) with his mother at <b style="color: purple;">Long Rock</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Fully relaxed after a week uninterrupted by international political considerations, he is now set on deploying the full economic and military might of Relubbus for the betterment of other nations.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">First up in his sights is Russian Prime Minister and <b style="color: magenta;">would-be gay pin-up, Vladimir Putin</b>, whose crude old-style KGB bullying has blighted and stunted the post-Soviet development of Russia.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3Er1cqmVI/AAAAAAAADH0/klyFoRZfHNo/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="647" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3Er1cqmVI/AAAAAAAADH0/klyFoRZfHNo/s200/images.jpeg" width="138" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Putin is a crude crowbar autocrat, who curiously publishes semi-nude pictures of himself in a vain attempt to appeal to the members of the <b style="color: magenta;">gay S&M scene</b> of which he is so fond.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Putin has now drawn the opprobrium of all civilised nations for his Stalinist show trials of innocent mega-multibillionnaire Mikhail Khordokovsky, whose only crime was his refusal to bend before Putin.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Before being led back to his icy cell in Siberia, a defiant Khordokovsky called out that you can only get on in today's Russia if you are one of Putin's benders.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3FFP4I8-I/AAAAAAAADH4/sNa6191CDPc/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="648" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="144" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3FFP4I8-I/AAAAAAAADH4/sNa6191CDPc/s200/images.jpeg" width="200" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Spargo's first bold lightning strike was to expel all 295 Russian diplomats from Relubbus, to close down the embassy and to have the embassy site (pictured) bulldozed and turned into a mini-golf course for kiddies.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The dazed Russian diplomats were packed into Western National buses yesterday morning en route to Porthleven, where rowing boats awaited them for the long pull back to the port of St Petersburg. The journey will take a little longer than normal as all the oars were removed from the boats.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3FOIWoTJI/AAAAAAAADH8/euvHQb7Sfd8/s1600/220px-Minigolfanlage.jpg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="649" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3FOIWoTJI/AAAAAAAADH8/euvHQb7Sfd8/s200/220px-Minigolfanlage.jpg" width="133" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">The new mini-golf course was opened this morning by singing star, <b style="color: #351c75;">Roy Orbison</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In Moscow, a fleet of Ford Anglia Tenerifes whisked the 8 Relubbus diplomats away from Moscow and over the Finnish border before the Russians knew what was happening.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In a special move to punish Putin where it would hurt most, Spargo has also placed a Cornish travel embargo on the Putins.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The Russian Prime Minister and his wife Brian have a secret holiday dacha (now confiscated) in <b style="color: #274e13;">Toltuff Road, Penzance</b> and like nothing better than to breeze up and down Market Jew Street, before entering their beloved <b style="color: purple;">Simpsons of Penzance</b>, which has kitted them both out ever since Putin has had access to hard currency.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3DuXmqSRI/AAAAAAAADHo/PLZfh2KCBE4/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" linkindex="650" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_66ZGUZO5k64/TR3DuXmqSRI/AAAAAAAADHo/PLZfh2KCBE4/s200/images.jpeg" width="200" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;">Spargo's second big international initiative is to announce that he has given the go ahead for the construction of a huge wooden bridge between Relubbus and Britanny. This bold construction project will create the largest road and rail bridge in the world. A photo of a much scaled down prototype is shown on the left.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In each direction there will be a 12 lane motorway and four rail tracks.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">At 10 mile intervals, there will be a motorway service island, each providing rest and retail opportunities for up to 10,000 cars and their occupants. In Relubbus, the bridge will rise on what is now farmland next to Terminal 12 of the <b style="color: red;">Relubbus International Airport</b>. In Britanny, it will come down at Landrellec beach.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The eye-catching bridge will rise quickly to a height of 400 feet so that shipping can easily pass underneath.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The sides of the bridge will be formed of embankments rising to a height of 60 feet and will be laid to lawns and gardens so that no one gets dizzy at such a height. The embankments will also create a natural and comfortable bridge for wildlife to cross the channel in peace and quiet.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The roads and rail will be heated in winter so that they do not freeze and ducts will carry rainwater down to the sea through turbines, which will generate some of the power needed to run the services.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The rest of the power will be generated by wind turbines interspersed along the length of the bridge.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The building consortium of <b style="color: blue;">Oates & Trevaskis</b> has stated that the work will commence in mid March and that it is expected to be fully completed by the end of April in time for the summer traffic.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The huge work force for this futuristic entirely wooden construction is said to include some 67 carpenters alone, together with two electricians and one plumber.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Contracts have been the subject of fierce competition, but we can announce that the winner of the hotly-contested hairdressing contract for the project has just been anounced to be <b style="color: magenta;">Shelley's of St Just</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">The <i>ROUNDUP</i> would like to wish all our readers a HAPPY NEW YEAR and we hope that both of them will enjoy good health and wealth the whole year through.</span></b></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Relubbus Roundup</div>Editor: Sylvanus Penhaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11232016552891940513noreply@blogger.com0