NEW ADULT EVENING SCHOOL OPENS IN RELUBBUS

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo, may himself, at 107, be in the fourth age, but he is very keen to promote continuing education for ‘youngsters’ in the third age (between 60 and 90).

Evening classes are an essential plank in the Spargo platform for education in the third age and the newly opened Shkelqim Bunjaku Adult Evening Institute, which teaches at reduced prices, though entirely in the medium of Albanian, is set to be an important part of the Spargo plan.

We look here at just three of the 5,000 courses available at the Institute.

Tractor Driving in Swimwear – with Shqiponja Meshkalla (28)

‘Ponja’ (28) has been a well-known tractor-driving and bewitching beauty for over 45 years in the countryside around Gramsh, south of Tirana. Last year, she made the brave decision to change career and moved to Tirana to manage a launderette so that she could be nearer a dentist to help with her growing halitosis and associated teeth problems.

She was so happily esconced in her new position that it was only by brandishing the most alluring inducements (£19.50 a week) that the Institute managed to secure her services on the tractor-driving course.

Ponja’s is no ordinary course. It is an intensive 10 week course starting on December 1^st, which will be held every night from midnight to 2.30 am. Ponja believes that it will make an exciting difference if all course participants wear only swimwear.

At the end of the course, which is available at an amazingly low price of just £750 for the whole course, surviving graduates will not only be able to drive along cliff tops in the dark with astounding confidence, they will also be able to strip and re-assemble the engine in just 25 minutes.

Participants must supply their own Albanian phrasebooks and dictionaries so that they can follow Ponja. They will also require a torch so that they can read in the dark.

Stand up Comedy, with Bashkim Nexhipi (48) and his friend Kastriot Krizi (19)

A legend for their never-ending humour in the Tirana CID, Bashkim and his close friend Kastriot give two to one tuition in the art of stand up comedy. As shown in the photograph, they start off easily by dealing with the subject sitting down.

As both Bashkim and Kastriot speak very quickly, participants will be required to be extremely adroit handlers of their Albanian phrasebooks and dictionaries so that they can keep up – but it will be well worth it.

Bashkim is sure that the intensive nature of the two to one tuition (of twenty five 15 hour sessions without a break) will result in successful graduates being able to keep the Tirana CID in stitches on any occasion that they visit Albania and call in.

The course is available for just £800.

Bricklaying to the music of Çesk Zadeja, with Valdrin Prishtina (65)

This course will introduce you to the music of the Father of Albanian Classical music, Çesk Zadeja, as you learn to lay bricks to the tune of his immortal notes in the expert hands of master bricklayer Valdrin Prishtina.

There will be no language problems here, since Valdrin is completely deaf and prefers to communicate via sign language.

The musical brick-laying course is expected to be very popular and hopeful participants should put their names down early to avoid disappointment.

The course, which takes place on December 3^rd from 6.30 pm to 6.45 pm, costs just £300 per person.

UPROAR UP CHAPEL!!

On Thursday evening, crowds of worshippers flocked to what should have been just another ordinary choir practice at the 50,000 seater Methodist Central Hall in Boswedden Lane, when news leaked out of a dramatic spat between a worship leader and the organist at this centre of Cornish Methodism.

Choir practice is usually attended by just the 400 strong choir. However, news of serious altercations between two leading figures attracted a crowd of several thousand concerned and curious Methodists.

Worship Leader, Agnes Penberthy (91) of Colinsey Road, Penzance is alleged by one witness (Maude Tregellis, (89)) to have given a “poke in the eye” to the organist, Madron Tregellis, because he had disagreed with her choice of hymns and refused to play the music for them, which led to a protracted and heated exchange of un-Christian expressions, culminating in the alleged poke.

According to Ms Penberthy’s civil partner, Audrey Hicks (79), Mr Tregellis (pictured here on the left) yelled out, “I aren’t gunna ‘ave she ‘it me li’ gat!” before striking her across the face.

Ms Hicks then admits that she “laid into that bugger Tregellis with my stick till ‘ee went ovver!”

Ms Tregellis (the organist’s sister) confessed “I lost it completely when that cow ‘it my brother with ‘er stick and tha’s why I bit ‘er ear off!”

An unseemly all-in geriatric fight ensued, which was only broken up by the timely arrival of officers of the Relubbus police.

When informed of the event, the Minister, His Holiness Methuselah Metherell (70) decreed that this unseemly disagreement in the House of the Lord could not be put to rights in the civil courts, but that it must be sorted out where it started ‘Up Chapel’.

Thus the scene was set for the intended great reconciliation at choir practice on Thursday evening, which drew the huge crowds.

Under the fearsome eye of the Minister, the sinning duo of organist and worship leader approached the pulpit in a numbing silence transfused with the tingling pent up excitement of the thousands of onlookers. Then, unable to contain her anger management problem any longer, Ms Hicks yelled out, “Gwon Agnes, whack the bugger again!”

As if she had been waiting for the cue, Ms Penberthy (pictured here in happier days) drew back her walking stick as if to strike a blow and, in so doing, overbalanced and fell hard against a pew, knocking herself out.

The booming sound of Minister Metherell's bass voice then rang out across the mass of startled faces, "Es yo, behold the Lord 'ave spoke!!"

Peace then descended upon the chapel again.

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RELUBBUS ANNOUNCEMENTS

Transformation

Mr Antelope Telegraph (89) wishes it to be known that he will henceforth be known as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

Mr Telegraph, who was never married, thought it a dreadful shame that he had never acquired his “own little woman”. He therefore decided that he would undergo the necessary surgery to become a woman so that he could style himself as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

After successful application of the RC Oates Home Surgery Kit, a cheery Mrs Agnes Telegraph (ex Mr Antelope Telegraph) declares “Well, at least it has cured my prostate problems!”

Seduction

Mr and Mrs Eric Quigley of Ponsandane are pleased to announce the seduction of their daughter, Alice (18) , by multi-billionnaire businessman and philanthropist, Mr W G Trevaskis (58) of Relubbus.

The seduction took pace at the Quigley family home and was filmed by a triumphant Mr Quigley who had “rigged up the front room with lots of cameras”.

Beside herself with joy, an excited Mrs Quigley said “She bin after ‘ee ever since she got a job up ‘is shop. We’re sum proud of our maid!”

Refutation

The Reverend Sigmund Portcullis (72) hereby issues an adamant refutation of tales recounted by the malicious and irresponsible to the effect that he had anything whatever to do with the ‘goings-on’ at the Penlee Park Gentlemen’s toilets at 7.30 pm last Tuesday evening.

He explains that he was merely out for a bracing stroll, when he was caught short, necessitating a visit to the toilets nearby. The fact that he shot off, when the police arrived, should not be interpreted as an indication of guilt. Furthermore, the fact that, in his hurry to leave, he had left his trousers behind was a natural consequence of his increasing forgetfulness.

Affirmation

PC Geoffrey ‘Ollis (29) (of Camborne) is pleased to announce to the public that he has just celebrated a civil partnership ceremony with Roger “Deirdre” Penscab (42). The Devon and Cornwall Police have - weeks ago - given up their anti-gay policies and practices and are delighted to have the opportunity of supporting Geoffrey and Roger (a car mechanic from Long Rock) in their marriage.

Geoffrey says “They’ve been ever so nice to we. Paid fer the photographer and they’re gunna give we a nice police ‘ouse to live in too. Sarge even cumeer and give me and Rog a kiss!”

So that’s a pink thumbs up to the Devon and Cornwall Police!

ROUNDUP CELEBRATES INVENTIVE RELUBBUS

Treloar’s COC (Cornish One-man Car) is part of the answer to Climate Change!

The fertile mind of Sidney Treloar (35), Perranuthnoe farmer and part-time scientist and engineer has been wrestling with the urgent need to address the challenge of Climate Change and he decided to take on the challenge of transport.

Having camped out on the A30 for several days observing the nature of the constant traffic flow, Treloar was struck by the number of cars that contained only one person - the driver.

“I waz camped out there fer three days and I couldn’ bleeve it. 85% of the cars that went past only ‘ad the driver innun”, he declared in his breathless soprano. He concluded that needless metal, needless seats, needless fuel was all simply going to waste.

It was then that he had his brilliant idea of designing the COC, the Cornish One-man Car. The COC is a compact one seater that uses petrol, but achieves a miraculous 159 miles to the gallon and moves from 0 to 60 mph in just three minutes.

It comes complete with a strap-on umbrella hat for rainy weather and – before you object that it is no good for the family – you can attach carriages to the back so that you can carry up to five people.

Having designed the prototype, Treloar has now secured the backing of W G Trevaskis (103), the famous multi-billionaire businessman and philanthropist. Trevaskis is building a plant at Long Rock, which will produce 1,500 COCs each week. The new cars are expected to be marketed at a bargain price of just £750 each. It is expected that this low price will attract buyers not only from Relubbus but from around the world.

Win a COC for free!!!!!

Yes, it’s true, you could be the proud owner of one of these new COC cars for free!!!. Just phone the magic number 0845 48195298* and answer this simple question. Who designed the COC?

A Sidney Treloar

B Leonardo da Vinci

C Henry VIII

*Calls cost £14 per minute with 50% of proceeds going to the Trevaskis Foundation for Fallen Women In Ludgvan

RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS

People seeking people

Renée Dunk (53) is a traffic warden from Marazion, but she is also a very special person, because she has recently won the fabulous £3.49 prize that goes with the title of Relubbus Equestrian Tennis Champion 2009. Can you spot the tennis racket in this photo?

Rene – as she prefers to be known – is the only person known to play tennis on horseback in the whole of Relubbus. She is wondering if there is a young man out there who would like to play with her? Reply to Roundup Box 1

Bernice, a wild girl (63) from Nancledra wants a strong man to tame her. “Will you be my Hercules?”

Although currently confined to home waiting for two hip replacements and one knee, she is still feisty and hungry for love.

Bernice likes going in on the bus to Penzance, but would love a romantic weekend for two in Relubbus "with the right man with all 'is bits workin'". Roundup Box 2

Hetty (aged somewhere between 21 and 74), lives in a bedsit in Morrab Road, Penzance. She has conquered deafness to become a viola soloist (in her own room).

She works in the Prom KWOP and is addicted to logic puzzles and nicotine. Likes body metal and is into controlled pain – for others.

Seeks young men who are willing to serve. Roundup Box 3

Neville (31) a farmhand from Botallack seeks a woman to share his varied interests. He has become something of an expert in cross-stitch and is the current West Penwith (West) gooseberry growing champion, having produced a whopper of 8 inches circumference, which he will be happy to show you.

He has a bicycle chain collection of 749 pieces from around the world and which contains one piece dating back to 1915. They need to be washed and greased every day. Neville is looking for the right lady to help him and, as he says, “Hey, and whilst our hands are greasy,…..” Roundup Box 4

Vladimir is a man with a problem. He has a charming wife and two children and leads a busy life as a Prime Minister running a large country in Eastern Europe, the name of which he would like to keep quiet. However, over the years, he has come to realise that he has been living a lie, as some of his publicity photos have revealed.

Increasingly, he wishes to show - and share - his feminine side – with an understanding male. After consulting (at great expense) a medium – Mrs Bathsheba Liddicoat (95) – whilst on incognito holiday in the People’s Republic of Hayle, he has come to realise that he desperately needs to occasionally leave the hustle and bustle of public life and cuddle up in West Cornwall with a ‘real man, who would take care of me”.

Vladimir would like to hear from a rugged accountant working anywhere the right side of Camborne (i.e. west of it), who lives alone, has a strong aroma, and who also likes to play knife games. Roundup Box 5

Goods and Services

Singer serenader(s) for that special occasion!! If it’s important, ‘say it with a song’, be it a 109^th birthday; making a marriage proposal; wanting to give Dad a good final send-off. We can provide the perfect mood music for any event . Choose any one or combination of Horace Melly (81 and baritone), Gladys Tink (79 and soprano) and Joseph Art (49 and castrato). £3.50 an hour for one voice, £6.50 for two and £8.50 for all three. A further £5 will secure performance in underwear and £10 for a completely nude show. (NB Wheelchair access is required for Mr Melly). St Buryan 402764

Exotic cheeses for Christmas. You can make cheese from any sort of milk and no one knows that better than Doris Daniel (87). She lovingly creates her unusual cheeses from rat, yak, dog, pig, skunk and her very own cat’s milk. All varieties available at just £75 per pound. But remember, it is special and you will never eat any thing like it again!! Goldsithney 57291

Yes, you can be gay at Christmas!! Full range of LBGT-themed wallpaper, serviettes, toilet paper and paper hats!! Available from the Bent Gnome at Crowlas. 673021

Beat the winter cold with solar-powered heated slippers – just £250 the pair from Tregears at Mousehole. Just leave them in the sun for a summer and they will keep your feet warm as toast for 15 minutes at least!! Mousehole 693722

Novel Calor gas room fragrancer. What is it? Well, a wooden frame supports a bowl into which the perfume of your choice is poured, then the calor gas is lit and you have a room fragrancer that will be the envy of your friends!! Only £97.99 from Polwhele and Polwhele of Porthgwarra 529134 (NB you must supply your own bowl, fragrance and calor gas.)

Avalaff Promotions offer the new funtime diversion for smokers at Christmas – Gelignite Surprise. The cigarette box looks like normal No.6, but one of the ciggies is a stick of gelignite – just look at their faces when that goes off!! Long Rock 672013

Remaindered Arthur Scargill Fairy Tale Cassette Tapes. Yes, pack of cassette tapes featuring Arthur Scargill reading all your favourite fairy tales, but with a Socialist twist - just 49 pence a set!!. Free Scargill Wig with every pack, so that you can look like your hero! From People’s Republic of Hayle Socialist Funshop on Hayle 543981