Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


The Roundup has incontrovertible evidence that the Russian secret service, the Federalnaya Sluzhba Bezopasnosti (FSB) -- which in the Soviet era was known as the KGB -- has targeted Councillor Billy Spargo (93), the leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC).

Last week, the infamous Andrei Lugovoi (17, shown left), whom the Crown Prosecution Service believes to be responsible for the murder of the ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko in London in November 2006, was spotted in the Post Office of the People's Republic of Hayle, applying for a visa to enter Greater Relubbus.

The Roundup's undercover reporters in the People's Republic tell us that Lugovoi also hired a top-of-the-range Landshark limousine, with a steel-reinforced chassis and bullet-proof windows, with which to make the journey to Relubbus.

This week, Mr Spargo (23) complained of feeling "unwell", a day after he had been "jostled" in Boswedden Lane by a man carrying an umbrella, the tip of which (he said) had grazed his thigh. Rushed by ambulance to Prospidnick's King Doniert Hospital, Mr Spargo was found to be suffering from a form of radiation sickness induced by the ingestion of a radioactive substance, namely polonium 210. The latter is the same substance allegedly used by Mr Lugovoi to poison Mr Litvinenko.

It is hardly surprising, following his recent outspoken attack on the Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin (left), that the FSB should target Councillor Spargo in this way.

However, the day after being rushed to hospital Mr Spargo appeared to have made a full recovery and declared himself to be "right as rain". In a statement to reporters, he declared:

"I bin born 'n brought up in Cornwall, so no bleddy radiation is gonna see me off. I duh live in a granite 'ouse in a granite land an' I bin breathin' in radon gas all me life. I'm bleddy immune tuh radiation!"

He went on to threaten retaliation against the Russians, and against Mr Putin in particular, who he said was "behind all this". He said that he would be dispatching units of the Relubbus Secret Police, the dreaded Kreslu Kevrinek Kernewek, to Moscow. Their mission, he said, would be to "shove a capsule of radon gas up Putin's arse! Le's see 'ow 'ee likes 'un!"


The Roundup justly prides itself for bringing about, through these introduction pages, some 54% of all the weddings in West Penwith. Despite this mighty achievement, there remain folk who still yearn for that perfect partner and we feature some of them in this issue and, in so doing, visit some of the more exclusive places in this part of the world.

Boskednan is a fine fair place for a young lady to grow up in. For the past 24 years, it has nurtured one of the most delicate and rare feminine flowers in West Penwith Graeme (29). Graeme is the daughter of local farmer Anthill Polkinghorne (72) and his wife, Polly (64).

Graeme was educated at West Cornwall School for Gentlewomen and attended Nancealverne University, where she read books and cross stitch.

Graeme plays ukelele and has two goldfish of which she is very fond. She is deeply interested in ancient Egypt and has invented a family boardgame “Name that Glyph’, which requires 42 players and has the added spice of possible execution for losing adults (children lose just a finger or tooth).

She describes herself as ‘just a home girl really’. She is looking for a ‘real man’ to love her, but coyly points out that he need only have one ball, as she has two of her own. Boskednan 205.

Grumbla is a relatively quiet place of just some 45,000 souls. However, it is also the unlikely home of Janet, a unique experiment in procreation entered into by former Vice President of the USA, Dick Cheney.

Agnes Jago agreed some 25 years ago to accept, for an undisclosed fee, the offspring of Mr Cheney and his ‘ginger monkey’ (we believe an orang utang) and to bring said offspring up as her own.

Cheney did not want news of his dalliance with ‘Borneo monkeys’ to damage the progress of his political journey. Ms Jago has lovingly brought up young Janet as her own.

Now 18 years old, Janet would like to experience love and life outside the one up one down home she has called her own since birth. She is a gifted xylophonist and is very sparing indeed in the use of toilet paper – she would like to meet someone with similar values. Grumbla 396

Bojewyan is the home of 19 year old dream girl, Shazzer Treneere, who works as a life guard on Sennen beach during the summer and works as a lap dancer during the winter.

Shazzer says that her busy life has so far not allowed the magical window of romance to open for her, but she dreams of having her own “li’l ‘ome up ‘Eamoor and a ‘usbant, what duh come ‘ome punctual every evenin’, not like they pissed bastards, what duh come into the club.”

Shazzer has a GCSE pass in biology and would ideally like to become a doctor. She is an avid collector of dandelions, which she dries and preserves in books. She so far has a collection of over 450 such books. Bojewyan 402

is where you will find local entrepreneur, Nigel (Nige) Nance (39). Nige is very honest
about the unorthodox way in which he earns his living – he is a house-breaker.

However, he proudly claims that he has never been a burden on the state. He has never claimed benefits of any kind, he has never been ill and – most importantly – he has never been caught.

Nige likes to relax over a few beers with his mates, with whom he often engages in farting competitions (see picture) – for money . In his own little circle, he is regarded as something of a success. What would make his life complete is a good little woman who would be waiting for him when he comes home in the morning after a hard and careful night’s work. Brane 551

Formerly of Queens, New York, but now in Kerris you will find jazz affionado Clarence Ferris-Perris (31). Clarence is a passionate and gifted gazoo and triangle player and, for the past seven years, he has been building his own giant trombone from beach driftwood.

Attracted to Kernow by the fact that his favourite psychoanalyst came to live here, Clarence makes a living by servicing and repairing gramophone players and by 'tuning' triangles.

As far as sports go, he is a devotee of ‘extreme ironing’ and takes in his neigbours’ washing in order to pursue his sport. Clarence would like to meet a lady prepared to share all his interests, including ‘Angela’, a doll for which he paid a lot of money some years back. Kerris 566

Trethewey is the home of Sister Loveday (27) of the Experimental Abbey for Boys and Girls of the Fundamentalist Methodist Persuasion. Loveday’s name was put down at the Abbey by her ultra-devout parents some three years before her birth.

A talented break-dancer, who achieved Kernow-wide acclaim for her inspired and spirited (and X rated) dance interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ hit “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction”, she has been given special dispensation to find a young man with whom to have some kiddies, before returning to nunning full time. Trethewey 901

is where Willy Botheras (24) can usually be found. However, he has chosen to send in
a snap of himself on his dream holiday in Trivandrum in India, where, after gaining a pretty impressive tan, he has just been mowing the lawn, wearing nothing but his underpants, because of the unbearable heat.

At home, Willy is a SWEB meter reader and, in his spare time, plays left right out for crack West Penwith football team, Richmond Rangers.

Willy would like to meet a man or woman, who would like to meet him to while away evenings on jigsaw puzzles. Boleigh 392

is home to romantic gas fitter Tommy Penrose (34). He lives alone in a cosy
caravan equipped with one double-glazed window and an unusual home-made stabledoor arrangement.

Tommy has no teeth and this seems to have reduced his chances with the ladies. Accordingly, he would like meet a young woman aged between 16 and 106, who also has no teeth and therefore won’t mind his lack of mouth gear.

Tommy eats only tomato soup for every meal and he hopes that his new lady will help him explore other soups. Castallack 723