Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Following receipt of many enquiries from overseas (in particular, Iceland and Tanzania) we can now confirm that the bargains offered in BARGAIN CORNER may now be purchased by readers from overseas.

It couldn’t be easier. Just email an order to this organ and Mrs Agnes Penberthy, who does the cleaning in the Roundup offices will "parcel ‘n up fer ee" for a small fee of only £74 per item. For a further £76, she will put a stamp on the parcel and take it to the Relubbus Post Office and send it off to you!!


Baby’s dummy (‘pacifier’ for our many American readers) made of extremely delicate and beautiful hand-blown Sancreed glass. Has a small cut, so reduced to giveaway £17. Email RR or 'phone Molly on Pz 578321

Flip-flops fashioned from local granite - to be secured to feet with strong string (string holes already made in one flip-flop!) – gents – size 12. Only £480 the pair. Email RR or 'phone Mr Rescorla on Paul 7624.

Dried Cowpats!! It is the latest craze in St Buryan!! Use them as a discus in sports competitions. Use them as fuel (yes, beat the credit crunch that way!!). Or wear them as an unusual -- but eye-catching -- hat! Or, do as Mr Angwin of 4 the Terrace does, and eat them, “fer a bit croust!”. They come wrapped in protective aluminium foil. Email RR or 'phone Mr Polkinghorne on St Buryan 7634.

Safe Condoms! If you want to be happy, but safe and sure, then use Mr Polkinghorne’s double-wrapped aluminium foil condoms! Often thought of as useful in the kitchen, Mr Polkinghorne has found a good use for aluminium foil in the bedroom as well! Available in four sizes – 1.“normal”, 2.“a bit larger than normal”, 3.“a bit smaller than normal”, and 4. (the smallest) “why do you even bother, mate?”. Cost is £70 per 100 any size, except size No. 4 (the Goky), which is so popular in Pendeen that delivery there is reduced to only £68 per 100. Email RR or ‘phone Mr Polkinghorne on St Buryan 7634.

5,000 light bulbs (35 watt). Chinese fittings, therefore only £1.50. Email RR or ‘phone Qing Qang Wong on Pz 462812.

Ladies tights (black), with Cornish Chough motif. Only badly laddered on one leg – 75 pence. Email RR or ‘phone Shazzer on Ding Dong 342.

Gentleman’s antique Long Johns – scarcely without stain, even after 72 years – still unwashed, so very well preserved. Email RR or ‘phone Mabel (deceased owner’s daughter) on Tregeseal 7854.

Stone from Penzance beach, believed to be - easily - well over 70,000 years old. Ideally best sold to gullible tripper from Notting Hill or fashionable Hackney. However, owner cannot wait as he has to pay court fines of over £50,000. Therefore prepared to part with this one ounce ‘magnificent study in grey’ for a giveaway £52,000. Email RR or ‘phone Rupert on Newbridge 5621 (be prepared for long wait!).

Pint of urine – believed to be from the last true King Of Cornwall, one Terry of Botallack, and hence over 1,100 years old. This fine relic is now stored in a 2 litre Tesco’s lemonade bottle. No one can guess what magical powers this mysterious liquid can have. However, it is utterly unique – there being no other such Tesco 2 litre lemonade bottle so filled. If you want to possess this piece (sic) of Cornish history and have the necessary £75,000 to purchase it, you must email the RR now or just ‘phone Denis on St Just 4567.

Hearing aid – made of pure finest Irish linen – needs to be clipped around whole head to work well. Only of benefit to the totally deaf- requires car battery – shoulder support required and supplied. Available in purple and green or red and yellow - both only £27,500. Email RR or ‘phone Sally Trumpet on Hayle 456721.

Hearing Dog – fully trained – came top of his class 12 years ago – now sadly deaf himself and hence only 37 pence. Email RR or write (can’t hear ‘phone!!) D Tregear at the Caravans, Logan Rock.

Ladies’ Vibrator – made out of ancient Sapelli hardwood - one extremely careful owner – but contacts blown through overuse - hence vastly reduced price of 11 pence. Email RR or ‘phone Duchess of Cornwall at Highgrove 45612.


By undercover reporter Rendell Janner

The Roundup has uncovered disturbing evidence of a terrorist threat to Relubbus. Your intrepid reporter recently infiltrated a terrorist training camp at a secret location on Bodmin Moor. The purpose of the camp was to manufacture Bronze Age weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) -- i.e. swords.

My information is that these WMDs are to be turned against Relubbus!

The terror cell's leader, shown left, is a hairy biker known only as "Tommo". I learned that he is a renegade archaeologist with an extensive knowledge of Bronze and Iron Age weaponry and manufacturing techniques. He is the author of many popular works including the best-selling Dummies Guide to Archaeology, Iron Smelting for Fun and Profit, and How To Commit a Bronze Age Murder.

Tommo, from the notorious East Appleford estate on the Isle of Wight, was joined at the camp by a motley collection of New Age Travellers, American arms enthusiasts, Dutch folklore-junkies, German Neo-Goths, and Irish ex-IRA men.

No matter that it takes a considerable amount of time, skill -- and luck (the process is not perfect) -- to manufacture a single bronze blade; and that making and fitting the haft takes even longer: these weapons are deadly! As was proven when, during a session of drunken horseplay involving a mock duel, one of the trainees succeeded in slicing off his own arm!

Tommo, or "Dr Tommo" as he prefers to be known, first came to international notice as the discoverer of the famed Roman colony in Relubbus, which has miraculously survived unchanged since classical times. Its citizens wear togas, adhere to ancient Roman law, and -- until very recently -- were unaware of the existence of the modern industrialised world.

Why does Dr Tommo want to destroy Relubbus? Who knows? He is a charismatic but enigmatic character who speaks in a broad Isle of Wight accent that is often difficult for "overners" (people from the other side of the Solent) to understand.

From what I could piece together, it seems that, following his discovery of the Roman colony, he had a major disagreement with Councillor Billy Spargo, the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC). According to Dr Tommo, the disagreement resulted from the misappropriation, by Councillor Spargo, of funds intended for future archaeological research. Mr Spargo was unavailable for comment yesterday.