Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


A huge new store has opened in Boswedden Lane, threatening to challenge the supremacy of existing retail giants such as R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis. The two latter mentioned chains, both with megastores as far west as Carn Gloose and as far east as Prospidnick, are unlikely to welcome the competition, which will, for various reasons, be fierce.

This fresh challenge is mounted by a Liechtenstein entrepreneur, Franzl Hirschvogel, who has cut his retail teeth in the "Hund eat Hund" world of the High Street in Vaduz.

Franzl, (34) a part time crew member of the Liechtenstein Navy, took part in an official visit to Newlyn, during which he met and fell in love with local girl, Nancy Trenwith (29). Franzl, who speaks no English, commented, "Ich liebe meine Nancy!"

Nancy, a former barmaid and scrubber at the Swordfish Inn, where the two met, commented, "I kent bleeve my luck. Ee's loaded an ee's a bleddy dish, inna?"

The deliriously happy couple -- shortly to be married -- have gone into business together with a sharp new idea that is likely to take the whole of West Cornwall by storm -- G M Stores.

The first of these brand new stores opened last week at the junction of Boswedden Lane and Kelynack Terrace, although the store uses the prestigious Boswedden Lane address.

Ground-breaking ideas are used in this store.

Firstly, everything is behind a counter and customers queue to be served by either Franzl or Nancy. A warm welcoming chat is all part of the new retail experience, although in Franzl's case, the conversation is very limited indeed, unless you happen to be German speaking, in which case he is apparently most effusive, telling the same joke over and over.

A second big departure is that every item on sale is made from genetically-modified sources.

In the case of those necessities for which a genetically-modified option is sadly not yet available, the keen couple have managed to obtain irradiated supplies from Tchernobyl. So successful have they been that there is no need for artificial lighting in the store, since the plums in brandy and bottled beetroot (both from Tchernobyl) glow powerfully in the dark.

Nuclear irradiated or (hopefully, and) genetically-modified food is believed by this pair to represent the food future for the people of this planet and they intend to be the suppliers.

Prices are certainly expected to draw the crowds. For instance, a ton of irradiated mutton -- delivered to your home in a specially constructed truck ("to keep the goodness in") will cost you only £4,567.95 (plus VAT). You will also receive an almost free (it will cost you only £7,700!) radiation-proof deep freezer in which to store the meat.

G M Stores are also stocking the "Three Head" brand of genetically-modified yoghurts. Eat those and you can become -- for free -- part of a big scientific experiment.

Nancy and Franzl will be getting married next month. Unusually, Franzl will be assuming Nancy's surname, Trenwith, after they marry, as he says, "Es hört sich mehr Cornisch an als Hirschvogel!"

So Oates, Trevaskis, and now...Trenwith??


Roundup Diarist Madron Killigrew lifts the veil off Relubbus Society
By day, man-about-town Madron Killigrew (32) is a shopping trolley collector at the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus, but every evening he is the "must have" guest at soirees, parties, functions, launches and social occasions of every kind throughout Relubbus.

As he is such a well-connected young man, constantly in and out of the best addresses in fashionable Boswedden Lane, he is the natural choice to write our Society Diary...

Pictured here are no strangers to the upmarket Coke Bar in Lower Boswedden Lane -- Willy Wales (32), heir to the English throne, accompanied by his latest squeeze, Kate Middleton (29).

Willy is a keen motor bike rider and purchased this mean machine from Long Rock Speedsters. Each bike comes with four free packets of Wills Woodbines, and Willy manfully draws a lungful while he poses for this picture.

Kate playfully calls Willy "Bratwurst" to remind him of his family's German origins, while Willy playfully calls Kate "doors to manual" to remind her of her mum's job before she struck lucky.

Pictured yesterday as they strode along to the Karl Lagerfeld fashion show being held at the Boswedden Lane Upper Kwop are, on the left, Jade Goody (44), with devoted admirer John Todd (29), who plays Tonto in the popular Lone Ranger series now showing on Relubbus television.

John and Jade have already had seven children, but are believed to be trying for another, as Jade would like nothing better than to have a "little red injun" child.

The family fortunes have slumped somewhat in the recent past following the death of various people who have been trying Jade's slimming products. Whilst they certainly help fatties shed the pounds, it seems they also induce rapid heart failure. Says Jade, "Oh well, back to the drawing board!"

Startled by our hotshot photographer Horton Baragwaneth, the latest Mrs Sarkozy, voluptuous Carla Bruni (45), is shown here coming out of Daphne Tregonning's hairdresser's in Boswedden lane, Relubbus. The former Ms Bruni used to have her hair done at Shelleys Hair and Beauty in St Just. Wanting to treat herself to something really special for her wedding, she went to Daphne Tregonning's for a hairdo and special body makeover -- and never looked back.

Mere mortals thinking of giving themselves the "Tregonning treatment" in order to look just like Carla are reminded that a hairdo alone at Daphne's costs £2.99, whilst the full body makeover costs a further £1.39. Better save up, girls!

Vic Pengelly (35) is pictured here at his wedding to budding and pouting Relubbus film starlet, Agnes Trevorrow (39).

Pengelly, the dreamboat manager of the Relubbus Labour Exchange was always believed to have been a Boots-bag-carrying icon of the West Penwith gay movement, often seen exiting the Morrab Gardens gents' toilets, while Miss Trevorrow was always regarded as being his "beard".

There was stunned reaction throughout the West Penwith gay community at the announcement of his wedding. The happy couple are thrilled with this picture, which they have chosen to be the official picture of their happy event.

Pictured on the left are the famous Sennen Cove juggling trio, the Menheniot Brothers, pictured outside their caravan with their widowed mother Bathsheba (108).

The boys all work at the St Erth Creamery. From right to left are Tommy (42), Zeke (51), and Archilaus (62). Archilaus only last week got out of prison, where he was serving a 4 year sentence for various instances of indecency. He has now removed the offending elements from his part of the juggling act.

The boys will be performing live at the Relubbus Panopticon theatre all next week.