Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Relubbus is justly famed throughout the world for its vibrant intellectual life. It is home to a great many clubs and societies devoted to philosophical, poetical, and musical pursuits.

The Roundup now takes you on a journey of the lesser known societies that grace and enrich our beloved Relubbus Aeturnus.

Relubbus Naturist Club

Pictured on the left -- an outing of the Relubbus Naturists' Club's cycling group.

Tucked away at No 32 Prospidnick Avenue is the unassuming home of Jed "Stumpy" Kelynack (79) and his wife Vera (57).

Jed, who has been one-legged ever since an unfortunate accident involving a badger when he was just 12, has resolutely refused to allow his uni-pedal status to interfere with his life. Dismissing sticks and crutches as 'sissy stuff', he simply hops everywhere.

Jed is the proud, but somewhat unlikely, chair of the unusual Relubbus Naturists' Club. The club is traditional only in the sense that its members perform various activities in the nude. It is unusual in its unorthodox selection of activities, for the pursuit of which there are sub sections.

The picture above shows the cycling section, which has 84 members. This cycling club is like any other apart from the fact that its members all whistle in harmony whilst pedalling. Jed is sadly unable to cycle alone since he only has the one leg, but he does ride tandem with Vera and is the "lead whistle".

Another hugely popular sub-group is the crochet circle (38 members). It has the unusual unexpected attribute that it is, at the same time, a conversational French group.

A third group is the rhetoric and cake-making group. Given its high standards in both rhetoric and cake-making, there are only 12 members in this group at present.

Last, but not least, there is the hugely popular break-dancing and Gregorian chant group. Both activities are difficult enough, but performed together they are very exacting indeed.

All of these activities are, we repeat, pursued in the the nude and Jed, as the enthusiastic chair of the society,
is in each one of them and proficient in all.

Heavy Duty Knitting Club

On the left is Clarence Clemo (31). Clarence is a self-confessed 'heavy duty knitter'. (He made the hat he is wearing during a single episode of Eastenders) Five years ago he formed a help-group for other people who suffer from Uncontrollable Compulsive Knitting Syndrome (UCKS).

The compulsive nature of UCKS means that few people are willing to own up to membership and even Clarence is more than a little sheepish about the help-group he has founded. The astounding revelation he has made is that, in the five years since knowledge of the group has seeped out, 5% of the entire population of Greater Relubbus has confessed to suffering from this syndrome and has applied to join to get help.

Clarence says that it takes a long time to 'turn' a true knitting addict, but the group (with its 55,000 members in Greater Relubbus alone) has already had success in 'cleaning up' some 150 former addicts, who have put their needles away for good.

Anyone affected by any of the issues mentioned in this article, who would like to talk to someone in confidence can call the club's confidential 'Stop Knitting' helpline on Relubbus 456456.

Cyrano de Bergerac Society

Particularly popular with the 18 to 32 age range, the fast-growing Cyrano de Bergerac Society can count members from as young as 3 and as old as 104. The only requirement for membership is convincing plastic surgery so as to achieve an outward appearance such as that depicted on the left.

The group -- with 34 members -- meets every Thursday and Saturday night in the social room of the Relubbus Deep Sea Mission. Members have to speak in a heavily French-accented English and all talk of television programmes is banned.

Given the almost prohibitive cost of the surgery, membership is not expected to grow beyond the numbers already secured from the Relubbus plutocracy. If you are tempted, you can telephone Relubbus 459872 for information on necessary surgery and joining the society.


Readers rejoice!! It is another chance for you, our READERS, to win fabulous prizes!!

Regular patrons of the Relubbus Panopticon will immediately recognise this picture of the fabulously talented Zelda Barncoose (29) of Zennor, playing her zither, while her devoted husband, Jimmy (32), a butcher from St Just, beats out the tune with his hat upon her head.

The all-important question is, "WHAT TUNE IS SHE PLAYING?" The Editor would like, at this point, to insist that Miss Bernice Pierce of St Clare, Penzance, does not write in again (for the 93rd time) to state that the tune is "Camberne 'Ill". The only clue we are giving is that the song is NOT Camberne 'Ill.

So the first step towards winning any prize is guessing which tune Zelda is playing.

Regular readers, especially those from Dar Es Salaam, will be well aware that supplying that one answer will not be enough to win the prizes. No one knows that better than the Editor's 3-year-old niece, Loveday, who has won many of the prizes for the past 6 years. "Prizes", I hear you say, "what might these be?"

First prize this time is nothing less than this sparkling, brand-new 2008 Cornish Avenger car, pictured on the left. Available only in sea-green with pink go-faster stripes, this motor will be the envy of all your friends, equipped as it is with the very latest in gizmos.

We cannot name them all but, for instance, the driver's door has a handle that enables you to lower or raise the window, thus adjusting the condition of the air in the car. We call this "air-conditioning" -- just watch other car-makers imitate it!

In another groundbreaking development, the front windscreen is equipped with a "wiper" which wipes away rain, enabling the driver to motor safely through thunderstorms. So, at a stroke, gone are the days when you couldn't drive in the rain.

In every model of the the Avenger there is also a transistor radio taped to the back window, which is capable of picking up not only Radio Cornwall, but also Radio Caroline, for those of you who like racey music. You can change between the two channels at the flick of a switch, although, of course, you do need a friend in the back seat to flick the switch for you.

Hidden in the glove department is a coin-operated, fruit-flavoured-condom dispenser for the many James Bond moments that are bound to arise in a car of this calibre. The dispenser operates on Lithuanian litas coins and offers three favourite Lithuanian fruit flavours -- blueberry, gooseberry, and loganberry.

In addition to the driver's seat, there is now also an UPHOLSTERED passenger seat, which will provide unheard-of comfort for the little lady in your life!! In the back, the plank has now been planed so that no splinters will ever again give discomfort to your passengers.

The engine is a technologists' dream, representing the very latest in advanced automotive engineering from Trevaskis Motors!! The engine runs on the excreta of the Tasmanian Wolf. This has the advantage that it is very eco-friendly, but labours a trifle under the disadvantage that the Tasmanian Wolf (and hence its droppings) has been in short supply for a good few decades. The lucky winner and driver need have no fears though, as a a full two days fuel (for four miles in total) will be supplied FREE!!.

We could wax lyrical about the Avenger for hours , but must stop somewhere. Suffice it to say that the car boot OPENS, enabling you to use the full 1 foot square space for any luggage you may wish to carry.

Now that you are all salivating with eagerness to own this mean machine, and assuming that you have the correct answer to question one, you need only know the answer to the second question to gain the keys to the Cornish Avenger.

Well, it is not so much a question as a task, which you must successfully complete. TRANSLATE THE FOLLOWING INTO KERNEWEK:
You must use the very latest SWF spelling! Entries in Unified Cornish or even Kemmyn will automatically be disqualified.

"With a methodical and relentless thoroughness, he probed each corner and nook and cranny of his most capacious nose until he found it. Then, he extracted his finger and held the gleaming prize before her eyes. She was so thrilled by the sight that she knew then that she would do anything for this man. She sat there transfixed. It sat there, gleaming upon his finger, a bewitching wash of colours, of greens, of purples, of blues -- how could one nose produce so many emblems of colour?"

Okay, so you have won the car. What else could you win?

Special times call for special prizes - and NOTHING could be more special than this! Behold a new creation from Nancledra!! It is the SAXOBOGGA!

It successfully combines the amatory with the lavatory, hitting all the necessary low notes, one after another. On the open market, this new miracle of the musical world would cost some £75,000 (with plumbing costs extra!).

Picture the scene! You are the new musical maestro. Your beloved is seated upon the throne, beset, alas, with problems of a hideously noisome and gaseous nature which nothing but the muse of music can release. You and she can blow together in happy unison...

Yes, but to win this miraculous musical machine, you must first answer the following question correctly:

Which of the two, Julia or Andrew, will first leave the shabby pee-perfumed limelight of the Liberal Democrats and truly speak for Cornwall?

Of course, if your knowledge is deeper than that of our questioner and you give a name other than that of the sweet Julia or the sainted Andrew and you name a person who does then lay down their name for Cornwall at Westminster, then you may name your own prize within our country.

Finally, as is customary with all our competitions, entries will only be valid (and, therefore, read) if accompanied by £20,000 in used notes. So, what are you waiting for??? Get writing!!