Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By Planning Correspondent Rendell Janner
A Disney theme park, to be known as Eurodisney Relubbus, is to be built on the slopes of Mount Relubbus. An artist's impression of the iconic Sleeping Beauty's Castle that will dominate the entrance to the park is shown on the left.

Mr Bosustow Trezize, the CEO of Trezize Developments, who will be building the park, said:
"The park will be much larger than Eurodisney Paris. In fact, the Frogs are furious because they expect us to take business from them. We shall be running five special Eurodisney trains from London each day, two each from Berlin and Milan, and even one from Paris! There will also be Eurodisney flights into Relubbus International Airport."

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Planning Committee gave its approval to the proposals at their meeting on Tuesday, when Chief Planning Officer Bosustow Trezize argued that the site would bring much-needed employment to the area.

This new development will complement and enhance that proposed last year by Trezize Developments, which is presently under construction. The original scheme includes provision for 20,000 caravans on the lower slopes of the mountain, 3 luxury hotels, 7 ski-lifts, 3 helicopter pads, a small airport, a "ring road" encircling the mountain, and an Alpine restaurant.

Committee members opposed to the new scheme -- that is, all of them except the Chief Planning Officer himself -- argued bitterly that the development would ruin forever the wild scenic beauty of the mountain. Unfortunately for them, the rules of the committee (drawn up by CPO Trezize at the committee's inception) stipulate that the vote of the CPO is of equal weight to the combined votes of all the other committee members; and that, in the event of a tie, the CPO has the casting vote. The application was therefore approved.


The Relubbus Society for the Promotion of Charity towards Animals (RSPCA) is seeking a good home for poor abandoned feline, "Claws", pictured here on the left.

Claws is unusually large for a domestic cat, being 3-and-a-half feet tall and weighing in at 7 stone. Also unusually for a domestic cat, he roars instead of miaows.

Claws has a good appetite and will happily put away one small pig or a pet labrador per day. He likes them served live.

Although purchased as a surprise Christmas present for the children of a Relubbus family who seek no publicity, Claws was turfed out on the day after Boxing Day, after killing and eating the visiting Granny during her sleep.

It is probably for the best if Claws does not go to a home with children, since he might be tempted too much by the sight of shrill excitable snacks running up and down around him.

We are convinced that Claws is lovable at heart, but would suggest that new owners wear protective clothing and do not turn their backs on him. We would suggest that, at night, Claws is kept in his re-inforced steel cage (which we will supply). During the day, Claws can roam like any other cat, although he should not be let off his 7 foot steel leash.

Interested cat lovers should contact the RSPCA at Boswedden Lane on 789 345.


Stories have reached the Roundup's newsdesk about shameful goings-on in Polzeath involving the hitherto highly respected, if a little unorthodox, doctor twins, Ludo (42) and Quentin (42) Poldhu-Nancarrow, pictured below.

Extremely ugly from birth, they have long ago resorted to wearing heavy make-up and novel clothing in a usually fruitless attempt to distract those they meet from absorption with their disturbing facial asymmetry. The likelihood of such stunned reactions is increased by the fact that the twins are joined at the ankle and at the elbow.

United by ugliness and physically conjoined, they have grown used to doing many things together, including speaking, for they communicate effectively as one. Those they meet, including their patients, are always struck by the way that each twin takes it in turn to add a word to a sentence. They are accustomed to speaking in this manner and do so with such rapidity that those they encounter are not nearly so discomforted as they might otherwise be.

Full details of the story have yet to emerge. However, a patient, Mrs Dolores Pemberthy (36), an aspiring actress, called upon the Doctors Poldhu-Nancarrow for urgent assistance in respect of the re-attachment of a false nail. Knocking on their door, she got no reply and walked in to find the doctors and their receptionist, Miss Kitty Trewelah (23), all in a state of some considerable undress and thrashing around on the carpet.

Miss Trewelah, snapped after the incident by one of the Roundup's dogged photographers, Zeke Retallack, was unrepentant about being caught in flagrante with the plug-ugly medical duo, although she would have preferred to have avoided the publicity:

"I duh feel like that girl 'oo 'ad the 'unchback of Notre Dame. Poor bugger, no-one wanted to 'ave 'ee. Well, i's jes the same wi' they two. They 'ebben got no chance an' I felt sorry for 'n. 'Course, now this is out, I'll get 'ell from my mother, not to mention from my finacee." Miss Trewelah is engaged to the resident minister at Crowlas Methodist Church.

Pictured on the left is Mrs Dolores Pemberthy in her seventh attempt at a re-enactment of her leaving the doctors' surgery in a distraught state. She later issued the following written statement to reporters:

"I have never sought stardom or celebrity, but am well able to handle it now that it has hopefully come my way. I do intend to keep my day job on the till at the Kwop until the film, theatrical, and social diary commitments that will flow from this story render that impossible.

"Film and theatrical producers and agents who would like to engage me are asked to address their initial enquiries to Oscar, who runs the newspaper kiosk at Penzance railway station, since he will look after my bookings. Thank you all so much. As you may guess, there are many people I have to thank and there is not enough space for me to acknowledge their contributions here. I will however thank my mother ("Thanks, Mum!") as well as Mrs 'Ollis, my primary school teacher. Thank you all so very much!"