Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear

Issue 17, 3rd December 2007

By Science Correspondent Wee Willy MacTodger

Huge excitement is sweeping like a tidal wave through the global scientific community, as Relubbus scientists have revealed that they have "captured" an alien life form -- a veritable green man.

The picture on the left shows the green man being questioned by Professor Pascoe Trevithick and his attractive young lab assistant, Linda Hollow.

The green man has revealed that his name is "Dxyzhyrzhxd", but he would like henceforth to be known as "Ron". "Ron" referred to the far-reaching fame of Relubbus society, which, magnet-like, has drawn thousands of people to come to live within its borders.

He then went on to say that other worlds -- including his, which is called Glxyrrhyzzidotit -- have heard of the flowering of civilisation which is Relubbus. Ron had taken the decision to leave his home planet and come to live in Relubbus as any other ordinary Relubbus citizen.

Ron was found walking down Boswedden Lane early last Sunday morning by PC Derek Hosking, patrolling on his bicycle.

PC Hosking realised that something was not quite right when he observed that "the gentleman" was not walking so much as gliding over the pavement. He called out and approached the figure, whereupon further closer observation revealed that it had no face, just a head. The total absence of a mouth did not prevent "the gentleman" from speaking, as PC Hosking could hear a voice emanating from it, asking to be taken to the Relubbus men of science.

Professor Trevithick (yes, a direct descendent of he of steam engine fame!) and his attractive young lab assistant, Linda Hollow, were quickly roused from their slumbers and began to examine this stranger from the stars.

Ron appeared to be made from green-coloured knitted material. He had no mouth, no ears, no eyes and no nose. Nor did he have any "tackle down below". Despite the obvious absence of this qualifier for the male gender, the Professor respected the stranger’s desire to be known as Ron.

Both Professor Trevithick and Linda were able to confirm Ron’s ability to speak without a mouth as they could quite clearly "hear" his words/thoughts. Further, despite the fact that he was standing immobile, Linda confirmed that Ron was also executing exploratory caresses upon her person -- such that she soon had to absent herself from the laboratory -- which Ron himself cited as a little demonstration that "I aren’t bent!"

His absence of mouth was mirrored by an absence of any orifice anywhere else on his body. However, this did not prevent Ron from emitting an enormously loud and pungent fart, which caused Professor Trevithick to pass out. He was later rescued by assistants, leaving Ron alone -- immobile and quite content -- in the investigation room.

Ron’s request for asylum is being considered by the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s powerful Foreign Relations Committee. It is expected that they will agree to his request, but that, given his strangeness, he might be restricted to living in either Hayle or Camborne.
By Theatre Correspondent Willy Bender
Yesterday, the pulse of theatrical Relubbus beat faster on the occasion of the first night of the latest work of much celebrated, though controversial, Rosudgeon playwright and plumber, Digby Trewin-Chuddlewit. His latest play is a farce entitled Who ate Megan's goose?

As is usual, the playwright himself took the main part -- that of the lead male, Aubrey Tresidder. The three remaining parts were played by (from the left in the picture) Libby Quick (28) of Wendron, playing Agnes Botterill, Gladys Uren (34) of Heamoor, playing Mary Lutey, and Lavinia Cock (31) of Madron, taking the lead female role of Megan Trevanion.

The hallmark of a play by Digby TC, as he likes to be called, is its sheer unpredictability, together with the apparent unconnectedness of the acts and scenes, a feature on which Poliakoff is known to have drawn heavily. However, the thinness -- indeed absence -- of thematic unity did nothing to dilute the enjoyment of the audience, both of whom laughed hysterically right from curtain up.

The play opens with Tresidder sitting on the toilet -- thinking. We -- the audience -- are allowed to hear Tresidder's mental meanderings, which seem to consist solely of his lustful imaginings involving three ladies. With each of these ladies, he engages in easy and comic banter, but I must confess that, for my personal liking, the playwright has relied far too heavily on double entendres. I believe that I counted the response "That's a hard one" 37 times and even after the third repeat (accompanied always by a knowing look at the audience), it began to lose its comic effect and even began to grate on the mind.

The requirement for each of the ladies to slowly disrobe in front of the audience to the soundtrack of "the Stripper' is an ingredient of any play by Digby TC. I don't intend to be "ageist" in any way when I say that this play was, in that respect, a vast improvement on the previous play, in which all the female parts were taken by nonagenarians. The trim young things in this play were a pleasure to watch and I am sure that the DVD featuring these scenes will sell well.

Libby Quick, in particular, deserves a special mention -- not least because she is my neighbour's daughter. Well done, Libby!

The Tresidder monologue -- which lasted one full hour -- seemed to involve the reading out loud of the Relubbus telephone directory, with pithy comments added when the names are known to Tresidder. I am not sure of the legal position here. Digby TC will doubtless say that it was his character, Tresidder, making the various defamatory remarks, but I doubt that this will wash with the great and the good of Relubbus, whose reputations were thoroughly besmirched, to the great amusement of both members of the audience.

Together with the drama critics of The Times and The Nudist Weekly, I was, as this report must surely suggest, a little disappointed with this latest offering from Digby TC. There were highlights in dialogue, in the revealing dances of the trim young things, and in the even more revealing statements Tresidder made about some leading Relubbus figures, but there was also something tired and formulaic about the "predictability" of the unpredictability. Also, we never did find out who ate Megan's goose!

Willy Bender Theatre Correspondent
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There was hardly a dry eye in the whole of Relubbus as the time came to bid the final farewell to one of the most colourful characters to have graced the streets of the city. Archilaus "Soshul" Polglaze, who was immensely proud never to have done a day’s work in his long life, died last week at the age of 84 and was yesterday laid to rest in the Relubbus National Cemetery.

Pictured on the left sitting in a chair outside his house in his famous "at rest" position, Soshul liked to observe life. Indeed, those with a long memory will probably recall that this fondness for observation got him into some trouble many years ago when he was apprehended up a drainpipe at St Clare’s Girls School, peering into a shower room while "looking for bats".

Although he did no work himself, he was a very public-spirited man and could even bring himself occasionally to watch other people working. Typical of the generous nature of the man, when he did so, he was unstinting in his free flow of advice as to how they could perform their work a little better.

A man who enjoyed a fine state of physical fitness throughout his life, Soshul was extremely reluctant to jeopardise this state of health through undertaking work of any sort. His sole motivation for so doing was to avoid incurring any sort of injury which might possibly make him thereafter a burden on society. It was, in a curious way, his life’s work to avoid work. It was a mission in which he enjoyed the greatest success.
Yesterday saw the funeral of much-loved Lennie Lutey of Lanyon Quoit, the postman and amateur trumpeter, who passed away last week at the sadly early age of 62.

Lennie was proud of the contribution he made to society as a postman and was responsible for delivering the post from Newbridge to Nancledra for over forty years.

A resident of Lanyon Quoit, he was an enthusiastic member of the now thriving local silver band, which he founded some 35 years ago.

Together with his partner Eric, Lennie was a very keen keeper and breeder of budgerigars. The pair also built up an impressive model railway track, which included a stretch that came out through the front wall of their bungalow and round the garden -- a feature which proved very popular with all the young lads in the village.

Lennie was never caught and arrested for any misdemeanour whatever. He will be sadly missed by all those whose post he delivered for so many years, as well as by the members of the silver band. A memorial concert is being held for him at Lanyon Quoit village hall next Thursday evening at 7.30 pm.
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He can read your future as well as you can know your past;
His awesome powers of vision will surely leave you quite aghast:
For none is such a master of the arcane divining arts --
And none has power to release such devastating farts!
Aries You are feeling on top of the world this week. Enjoy it -- it won't last! The police will be coming to arrest you next Tuesday. You will be charged, will not get bail, will receive a prison sentence and, as far as I am concerned, they can throw away the key. It was disgusting -- and how can a duck "lead you on"?

Taurus You will have a chance encounter with a stranger in the Kwop next week. It will lead to wonderful things and you will have his baby. The roof needs attention.

Gemini You have been feeling uneasy for a few days now. Stand up for yourself and do not allow yourself to be led into doing things that you are uncomfortable with. A ginger cat will cross your path on Thursday or Friday. If it is on the Friday, you will have a big lottery win.

Cancer Your insurance claim will be unsuccessful. Keep trying, it will work one of these days. Your 101 year old mother is very ill. I predict that she will not be with us for much longer. Treasure her company.

Leo Wendy makes you feel like the woman you always dreamed of becoming. Next month the operation will take place and it is likely to go well. You should now shave off the beard.

Virgo Your mother is right... he was a basatrd and, though he may have been your first boyfriend, he will not be the last -- there are other fish in the sea. However, now you must concentrate on your GCSEs. Next month you will have confirmation that you are carrying the bastard's child.

Libra You are living life at a helter-skelter pace! Slow down! Take things easy. You will not lose your job. Your health will be good. Yes, your sister will die, but that will only secretly make you happy -- your father's inheritance will now come only to you. However, beware! He will be swept off his feet by a gay milkman, to whom he will want to leave all his money. Killing the gay lover "accidentally" is the only way out.

Scorpio You will be the school's conker champion! Great news, but even better, Linda Penhaligon will let you have a feel "upstairs". Try to avoid a trouser accident while you are exploring Linda's upstairs or you will get hell from your mother. You won't be picked for the school football team next week, but hang in there -- next year you're in!

Sagittarius On Wednesday, leave the house at 7.30 am precisely and walk towards the town clock. In front of the First and Last Inn, you will "bump into" someone who will change your life. There is a path for everyone in this world and, for you, it is the path of lesbianism -- enjoy!

Capricorn The bell tolls for someone -- again -- but it does not toll for you. You have years to go yet. You will next week develop the first symptoms of the bladder problem that will be your constant companion until your death in 14 years time. It would suit you to have a budgie or even a parrot.

Aquarius Sell your house -- realise all your assets -- move to Tasmania! That is where the pages of destiny next turn positively for you. If you remain, loss of wealth, health and reputation is foretold for you. You will be reduced to selling your body outside the Swordfish Inn -- but I for one would not be prepared to pay! Be gone! Flee!

Pisces Pleasant Christmas thoughts are beginning to flood your mind. Your kindly soul turns to preparations to make this a Christmas the children will warmly remember for ever more. However, imprisoned as you are for your misdemeanours as scout leader, you will find it difficult to implement these warm thoughts. The appeal will be unsuccessful -- this time...
'He Roundup -- he visit 'he Spanish Embassy
One of the jolliest ambassadors to the Court of St Piran (the formal name bestowed on the diplomatic community within Relubbus) is without doubt his Excellency Don Javier Pedro de Hacienda y del Cuarto de Caballeros, the Spanish Ambassador. "Don", as he likes to be known, is a scion of one of the most ancient and noble families in Spain and is nothing if not a little eccentric.

"Don" has become a familiar sight in the Boswedden Lane diplomatic district, as he sits in his wooden go-cart, which is drawn at breakneck speed by 73 tame squirrels through the streets of Relubbus.

His eccentricity extends to other matters as well. A keen swimmer, he has been an impassioned supporter of the new sport of underwater billiards (without the use of SCUBA equipment!). Incidentally, whilst playing billiards in this manner, he has managed to achieve a record in underwater gas release (as measured by the size and explosive flammability of the bubble reaching the surface) -- a feat he attributes to his diet of homemade paella.

He is pictured on the left, striking the tambourine he always carries with him and with which he punctuates his every word. On high days and holidays, he replaces the tambourine with castanets.

Don has made a strenuous attempt to understand Cornish culture and the way of life. He spends two days a week working at Warrens Bakery in St Just in order to assimilate the Cornish way. He is involved in a secret project there to develop a paella pasty, which will then be launched in Spain.

Despite his noble birth and privileged background, Don has not been very successful academically, having achieved no qualifications whatever in his native land. Now, he is taking full advantage of his stay in Relubbus to try to rectify all that by attending a course at Camborne Tech, where he hopes to achieve an HND in Technical Drawing and Woodwork.

Don is also an enthusiastic member of the 500 strong Goldsithney Mouthorgan ensemble, which meets every Thursday evening in the Scout hut for rehearsals.

Don is not only a keen participant in Cornish life, he also likes to contribute to it. Using the 300 falcons he has brought with him from Spain, he has founded the Relubbus School of Falconry, which has already attracted two students, Bert and Brenda Polkinghorne.

Although he did have a gay phase whilst trying to become an artist back in Barcelona, Don is insistent that his heart (and indeed any other parts) were not really in it and that he has been happily married to Juanita, "who she is expert in making paella!", for 17 years.

Before we knew it, out time (a whole afternoon) had quickly passed and it was time to leave the embassy and its fascinating inhabitant.

For those with official business, the Spanish Embassy is situated at No 365 Boswedden Lane and is open from 9.00 am till 2.30. After a siesta of 4 hours, it re-opens in the evening and closes at 9.30 pm.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too
They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!
Ladies -- meet Keith Trevarnon! He's 47 and is a man with a difference. Ever since a brain injury as a little child, Keith’s language has been restricted to two phrases, which he adroitly stretches to cover all situations. The magic phrases are "Me do peepee now!" and "Are we there yet?" You might think that these linguistic restrictions would have put a brake on Keith’s life, but not a bit of it! He has managed a PhD in psychology and now works as a psychotherapist.

Keith has a 6-bedroom detached house in Goldsithney (no mortgage) and drives both a Porsche and a Volvo Estate. A flamboyant dresser, he is looking for a woman who can match his sense of style and who has achieved a similar degree of success in professional life. A classical music lover, Keith has the Botheras triangle version of all Wagner’s works and would like a woman who will share this love of his. A pipe-smoker himself, he would prefer a woman who does not smoke. Keith is adamant that no scrubbers need apply. Box 4571

Derek Bolitho (36) is a gas fitter from Pendeen. He is Keith Trevarnon's cousin and (as the observant reader will note!) shares Keith's taste for flamboyant dress, but that’s as far as the comparison goes.

Derek has two failed marriages behind him, both of which foundered as a result of his being found "interfering with" with nearby farmyard animals. This aberration has been attributed to his growing up in the countryside in close proximity with farm animals, "which everyone duh find cute, you gotta admit it!"). Ladies will be pleased to note that Derek is convinced that he is over this little weakness now. He is now looking for a cute little lady (he says "no fat tarts") with whom to share the rest of his life. Box 5993

Gwen Bosallow is a 26 year old "working girl" from Tregeseal. The President of the Penwith Prostitutes Collective, she is an assiduous campaigner for the rights of sex workers. It is estimated that there are some 500 working girls in Tregeseal alone. Not liking to bring her work home, Gwen actually works in the square in St Just, taking clients either to Playing Place (by night) or Cot Valley by day.

Gwen is a Sunday School teacher and is an active member of the St Just artists’ circle. Gwen wants a traditional a S'nooster (St Just man) who will be broadminded about her line of work. Box 4321

Loveday Jelbert (22) works in the fruit section of smart, upmarket fruiterer's, Tregenza's, in the Greenmarket, Penzance. She lives with her parents in the sought-after King’s Road area of Penzance. Her mother and father would like her to meet a nice young solicitor or accountant. Escorted to work each morning by her mother and collected in the evening by her father, Loveday has led a very quiet sheltered life, as she has never been allowed out before. Her mother, Alicia, will be accompanying her on all or any dates up to and including the honeymoon, when she will also be joined by her husband, Horton.

Loveday has no interests and has not yet been potty-trained or learned to speak. She is, however, loaded, so men -- do not hang about! Box 5639

Wenzil Tuckbottom (24) is an inventive young man, who is seeking to apply the principles of ballet and mime to every minute of his working day. He has launched his own building and decorating business, called Building Beauty with Flourish, which is seeking to blend gracious movement with utilitarian function. Accordingly his building jobs may cost a little more, but they are performed with beauty (or will be when he gets hired).

Wenzil is looking for a partner -- both in his business and in his life -- to help him in his quest for beauteous life and work. He has designed daily costumes for himself and his partner-to-be -- as modelled by himself in the picture on the left.

Wenzil has not laid down any criteria for his partner-to-be to conform to, merely stating that the right people will apply when they see this advert. ("When he sees this, he’ll know it's for him!") If that is you, then Box 4529 is the one to write to. Wenzil is waiting.

  • Getting to know Relubbus -- Why is Boswedden Lane so named?
  • Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section
  • And much, much more!