Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear

NEW YEAR ISSUE, 2008. Issue 19, 1st January 2008

By Religious and Social Correspondent Rendell Janner

At a recent convention of the Cornish Methodist Golem Pasty makers, one participant has seen fit to break with convention and show her face, despite the terrifying punishments attendant upon any female who dares break convention and show herself.

A Roundup snapper, Archie Treglown, managed to obtain this picture of Loveday Jenkin, wife of leading Golem Methodist, Methuselah Jenkin. She unveiled herself upon leaving the convention location at Richmond Methodist Sunday School.

When queried by the Roundup's terrier photographer as to what might happen to her for contravening the sect's terrifying injunctions on inappropriate female behaviour, Loveday retorted that, "If that arsehole (Methuselah) tries to do anything to me, he'll be squeaking at a higher pitch than a tenor mouse by the time me and my scissors are finished with his knackers!"

This produced a chorus of support along the lines of "Proper Job, that'll learn ‘im" from the other ladies present, although they all wisely decided to remain fully veiled.

Human Rights groups have often railed against the restrictions that extreme Methodists reputedly apply to their women. Since secrecy is so tight amongst these extreme Methodist groups, no one can be entirely sure of their practices, but stories have emerged of routine twice-daily beatings as a matter of course, with additional beatings laid on for "infringements". These latter can encompass a wide range of "unacceptable female behaviour", such as talking, laughing, breathing too loud, poor cooking, inadequate cleaning, insufficient attention to a husband's requirements, failing to guess what the husband wants in any situation, and being female.

Clearly Loveday Jenkin has now issued a challenge to her husband and the Roundup will be pursuing the story to update readers on the outcome of this storm in the extreme Methodist teacup.
Investigation by Grubber Trevorrow
The Roundup can reveal exclusively that famed American singer-songwriter Roy Orbison is dead. The news will come as a devastating blow to the many thousands of Roy's fans in Relubbus, who had been looking forward with huge anticipation to the opening concert in the singer's world "comeback" tour, which was due to have taken place, in Relubbus, in February.

Roy is shown left posing for surprised fans in Hayle Kwiksave last year, when he paid his second visit to Relubbus in as many months, to finalize the details of the tour.

Roy had been so impressed by the passion and loyalty of his Relubbus fans that he decided to play not one but two gigs in the city; and Relubbus was to have had the distinction of hosting the first and the last of the tour concerts.

In fact, the Roundup can now reveal that Roy Orbison died in 1988. It seems that the "Roy Orbison" who visited Relubbus was an imposter.

In a statement yesterday, Chief Inspector Harold Carne of the Relubbus Constabulary said that Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce, currently a resident in the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators, has been interviewed and is likely to be charged with criminally bad impersonation and conspiracy to defraud.

Councillor Billy Spargo confirmed last night that, in a special deal arranged by himself, the Methodist Hall had already been booked for both of "Roy's" Relubbus concerts, and that he was now likely to lose a lot of money. To cater for the expected huge demand for tickets, he had paid up front for extra folding chairs from the WI, he said. Quizzed about refunds for tickets that had been booked in advance, he said that these would be issued "in due course".
By Medical Correspondent Dr Rendell Janner
There is much talk about the efficacy of alternative therapies and many a heated debate has been generated on the topic of their value.

To help our readers form their own opinions, we present here some of the better-known alternative practitioners whose services can be found within Greater Relubbus.


Darren Tregonning (32) is, by day, a sewage treatment plant operative, who thoroughly enjoys his chosen profession. However, in the evenings he indulges his passion for dentistry. He is the only completely free dentist working in the Relubbus area. He takes no fees, as he says that his reward is to be found in the job itself.

Darren is self-trained and enjoys the challenge of "getting by" with the minimum of tools. Specialising in extractions, his favourite tool is the pliers. It is his aim to wrench out the offending tooth with such speed that the client will require no anaesthetic. So keen is he to "pull teeth" that he will come to your home to practice his arts. His mobile phone number is 07886 456722. Call him and he will attend at any time of the evening or night.

Diagnosis -- the vital step before treatment

Doris Penhaul (72) claims to have solved the mystery of many a difficult diagnosis by deploying her most unusual sense of smell. She claims to be able to make accurate diagnoses of every condition simply by examining and sniffing intensely soiled underwear.

Doris needs at least three badly soiled undergarments in order to make a diagnosis and she charges what she describes as a modest fee of £105 per item in order to make the diagnosis. This produces a minimum fee of £315 per patient. To those who feel that this is a high price to pay, Doris issues a simple challenge -- "you stick your nose into a pair of stinking wet pants and see if you like it -- it stays with you for days!" She claims that it is worth every penny to the patient, as she can diagnose every ailment known to man and can even foretell future illnesses. The soiling of the undergarments is achieved by the taking of virulently active home-made laxatives, for which Doris makes an additional charge of £50.

As a responsible reporting organ, we feel that we must share the fact that West Penwith doctors appear not to share Doris’ opinion that she can diagnose every condition. Dr Trencrom Polglaze of Newlyn pointed out that the only condition Doris seemed to be able to diagnose with unerring accuracy was diarrhoea.

Tasty Jennifer Tonkin (27) of Newlyn, is, apart from being a bit of all right, a dab hand both at crystal ball gazing and at reading tarot cards. The Cornish cutie claims that deployment of her scrying skills can lead to ready diagnosis of trickier, hard-to-find conditions.

Jennifer, who smells sweet and is very easy on the eye, can be found at her caravan in the Combe. Although someone with her looks should be paid very much more for time in her most fragrant presence, Jennifer charges only £15 per 30 minute consultation. Having visited her myself prior to her successful diagnosis of my club foot, I found that it is very easy to get lost in her bewitching eyes.

Jennifer prefers to communicate in writing because of her severe stutter, but I must say that I even found her endlessly repeated sibilants hypnotic and enchanting. I taped them and play them back at night before I sleep.

Alternative Treatments

Pascoe Tehidy (32) of Tregeseal is the pioneer of one of the most unusual therapies we have come across. A specialist, he confines himself to the treatment of headaches and migraines. Patients lie down on a long table with a box at one end, into which they are required to insert their head. Tehidy then sits on the box and breaks wind through an aperture to surround the head "in healing vapours".

Fortified by a diet rich in beans and onions, Tehidy is able to direct a steady flow of this fortifying gas directly into the nostrils of the grateful patient. In a matter of seconds all thoughts of migraine or headache have evaporated, as the patient desperately withdraws the head in a frantic attempt to find life-giving oxygen. Pascoe proudly confesses, "My farts are reckoned to have the ‘ighest ever recorded methane content. I could knock out an elephant in less than a minute! Someone’s got an ‘eadache, all they gotta do is cum ‘ere and I’ll get rid of un for un!!"

TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.
By Leisure Correspondent Rendell Janner

Gerry runs a home for over 85-year-old ladies on the outskirts of Relubbus. He is a deeply caring man and is well aware that, although his ladies are advanced in years, they do still have certain needs. For this reason, he has started up the Escort Agency for his "girls".

Gerry, pictured here on the left, says defiantly that young male customers can expect from his girls exactly what they would get from much younger female escorts. He does not expect to profit from this venture and states that he will only take enough for his admin costs.

"If a young man is looking for a good time, he can do no better than come to me and take a out a 'Golden Girl'", he says. (See below for costs.)

Pictured on the left is 92-year-old Doris Tregonning. A mother and grandmother many times over, Doris has tried to persuade her 21-year-old grandson Derek to bring his mates round so that she can meet them. Rather cruelly, Derek observed that this was "unnatural" and refused to do so. Although sadly confined to a wheelchair, Doris is very sociable and is adamant that she can accompany her date to the dance floor and give him a run for his money before they go off to get down to the real stuff. Interested parties are asked to check the wheelchair accessibility of any venue they intend to take Doris to. They are also asked to respect her sleeping hours -- she goes to bed at 7.00 pm -- alone.

A "raw sex machine" is how Susan Penrose (87) describes herself. Walking with neither zimmerframe nor stick to support her, Susan is a right little mover and loves to dance, though she does need a half hour break between dances -- to rest up, take her pills, and change her incontinence pads. She is the late night "golden girl", as boys are allowed to bring her back home as late as 8.30 pm. "Suey", as her best boys can call her, has all her own teeth and does not smell. Any customer, who does detect the old problem is back will get a 50% reduction on the price of hiring Suey, Gerry assures.

Just 85 years old and the youngest playmate for hire is Grizelda Polglaze, who has to be locked up, because she gets so excited about the prospect of being with young men. Gerry assures us that she is always up for "rumpy pumpy" and insists that the fact that she is no longer sure who she is need not detract from her having fun.

Given her extreme excitability, it is recommended that Grizelda not be taken anywhere public. Gerry is quite happy for suitors to visit Grizelda at the home.

Gerry is adamant that the rights of his ladies to have a little fun should not be restricted by the fact that they are a little older. "Equal rights for all", he says.

Costs are cited as follows:

  • Evening dancing £75 plus VAT
  • Escorted meal £150 plus VAT
  • Kissing (no tongues) £15 each plus VAT
  • Kissing, with tongues £25 each plus VAT
Cost of other services available on application. (You will not be disappointed!!)
By Planning Correspondent Rendell Janner
The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Planning Committee have approved a plan for a large caravan site on the slopes of Mount Relubbus.

At the planning meeting on Wednesday, Chief Planning Officer Bephisto Trezize argued that the site would bring much-needed employment to the area.

The plans, submitted by Trezize Developments, include provision for 20,000 caravans, which would completely encircle the lower slopes of the mountain; 3 luxury hotels; 7 ski-lifts; 3 helicopter pads; a small airport; a "ring road" that will encircle the mountain; and an Alpine restaurant.

Committee members opposed to the scheme -- that is, all of them except the Chief Planning Officer himself (who also happens to be the sole director of Trezize Developments) -- argued bitterly that the development would ruin forever the wild scenic beauty of the mountain. Unfortunately for them, the rules of the committee (drawn up by CPO Trezize at the committee's inception) stipulate that the vote of the CPO is of equal weight to the combined votes of all the other committee members; and that, in the event of a tie, the CPO has the casting vote. The application was therefore approved.
Many of our readers are devoted, in some cases almost addicted, to the guidance of our resident astrologer, Breton savant Maurice Labalge.

They derive great comfort from using his words to peer behind the curtain of the future, so that they can see with clarity what is coming their way. At no other time is their need as great as it is at New Year.

Monsieur Labalge takes great care in casting his horoscopes, never spending less than one full toilet sitting on the construction of his regular contributions.

2008 Predictions!
Aries The stars reveal explosive actions in Uranus next year. This means that during the month of June, you will experience extended discomfort. Apart from that, romantic dalliances are very well-starred -- particularly with Mrs Hollis, if you wish -- and the career shows solid progression, as you are invited to become under-manager at the bacon counter in the Kwop. A good year - rounded and happy, so much so that you almost forget "the little weakness".

Taurus You still have amazing appetites for a woman of your advanced years, but sadly -- and unfairly -- it is difficult for a woman of 91 to find a partner. 2008 will change all that! It is clearly revealed that you will either have the good luck of having a compliant young (22 year old) Marlon Behenna as your carer next year or that you will have the bad luck of passing on. Either way, the problem will be solved!

Gemini Getting a girlfriend was always going to be difficult for you, given the stutter and the foot, but, as the Germans say, ‘for every pot there is a lid’ and when you meet Dorleen Penhaligon, all your problems will be over. Dorleen’s club foot is even bigger than yours and her stutter will make your diction sound like that of the oiliest, smoothest BBC continuity announcer. The meeting will occur in the second week of January, when you are both buying ca-ca-ca-ca-rrots in Tregenza's.

Cancer You have lifestyle challenges. For your own good health, you must lose weight. Cut down on clotted cream -- say, no more than one quarter pound tub per day. Take up step aerobics. You do need to get in shape, since your marriage will fail next April, when your husband, Bill, confesses that he has been carrying on with that skinny bitch tart next door. You will find it easier to find a new partner -- and to move about -- if you can get your weight down to below 30 stone again.

Leo You have always loved music and the present of a tambourine in July will change your life. You will spend over four hours a day practising to get your play up to professional standards. It will be ‘touch and go’ for at least another decade whether you will be able to give up the day job at the quarry to earn a living as a tambourine professional. The stars are as yet silent on this matter, but they do exhort perseverance... Can you get the daily practice hours up to six or seven? Try to learn and play complete well-known pieces such as the Wedding or the Death march. They will not only stand you in good stead in auditions, but you might even get hired to provide the musical backdrop to people’s major life events.

Virgo Never was a star name less appropriate to one born under it. You seem to have no shame as to whom you do it with and as to who knows about it! The horoscope indicates that this year will see you probe even deeper depths of depravity!! Have you thought of living in Hayle, where there are lots of people like you? It is too much for Relubbus -- you are becoming a health risk!

Libra When I think of you, I hear and see tinkling, chuckling sparkles of light cascading from the heavens to shower you with warm light and love. You are indeed a special person. My heart lifts when I enter Morrisons and see you there filling up the fruit and veg section -- I wish I could be a turnip in your hands. The gentle limp in your gait is the price paid to see such otherwise angelic perfection walking the face of this earth

Scorpio You will miss the MOT on the Fiesta in March. Remember that this does invalidate your insurance, so take extra care until September, when the stars reveal that you will get the MOT situation put right. Be supportive to Nigel, as his mother will die in October. Sylvia Clemo will mean more and more to you this year -- could this be the big one?

Sagittarius An extremely localised hurricane event will target your house in August. Everything in it will be flattened. During that month you should move next door to your Mum’s house which will remain completely untouched. Promotion is strongly on the cards in May, so you had better find a job quick!

Capricorn You will pass your piano exam in November, but only after you agree to let the examiner explore you ("upstairs only"!). You come to regret this lapse and report the examiner. He then loses his job, is thrown out by his wife and commits suicide by jumping off the cliff at Land's End -- twice! You learn from this life-shaping event and will go on to become a model librarian.

Aquarius You will continue with your brave experiments in cross-species relations with the local badger sett, but unfortunately both the RSPCA and the police will take a different view of your activities. You will receive a custodial sentence and "Billy Badger" will be dead by the time you get out again.

Pisces Your attempts to replace conversation with your wife by playing an appropriately worded Abba tune will this April, after 5 years, end in tears. The old bag finally decides to leave you and you can move in with Frank and Harry!
From the New Year onwards, we will be publishing articles individually, as they are written, rather than collected in a fortnightly "issue". We hope that this will enable us to:
  • Publish articles more frequently
  • Make articles more topical
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