Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear

Issue 14, 22nd October

By political correspondent Rendell Janner and scientific editor Ron Spode

Rumours were rife amongst the Relubbus press corps last night of an imminent announcement that Greater Relubbus has become the latest member of the small group of nations to possess its own nuclear bomb.

For months, there have been reports of heightened activity around the secretive nuclear research facility in Boswedden Lane (shown left). Security around the site, always intense, has latterly reached unprecedented levels. Neighbours have been forbidden to exercise their dogs in the area, and have been required to black out bedroom windows that overlook the site.

Six weeks ago, Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) chairman Billy Spargo led a large scientific delegation to Iran, where he held extended talks with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It is an open secret that the two countries are eager to co-operate in the development of nuclear technology. In a sense they are natural allies, since both see themselves as under threat from larger, nuclear-capable states.

It could be argued that when, as announced, Relubbus becomes the 51st US state, it will fall under the American nuclear umbrella and will have no need of its own deterrent. Furthermore, the rapprochement with Iran will not go down well in Washington. However, Councillor Spargo is known to be unhappy about relying (in the short term, until the constitutional switch to the US is completed) upon a third-party deterrent. And he is conscious of the current shadow cast upon Relubbus by the UK nuclear capability.

If the rumours prove true, and Relubbus achieves a nuclear bomb before Iran, it will join an exclusive club that currently consists only of the USA, UK, Russia, France, China, India, Pakistan, Israel, and possibly North Korea.
By scientific editor Ron Spode
I have it on good authority that the Relubbus nuclear deterrent, likely to be announced shortly, is not a conventional (no pun intended) atomic bomb. According to a senior source in GRAFT (the Greater Relubbus Advanced Fission Team) it is a ground-breaking neutron-emitting device.

"The beauty of the device", said my informant, "is that it has no effect on buildings and infrastructure, which are left entirely undamaged. There is no huge explosion, no nuclear fireball. Instead, on detonation intense streams of neutron particles are released in all directions. These pass harmlessly through buildings, but destroy all living organisms in their path -- or at least they would do, were it not for the inspired modification introduced by Professor Roskilly-Strangelove!

"The professor has cunningly added a DNA-sensitive filter to the device: Celtic DNA is shielded from the effects of the bomb, while Anglo-Saxon DNA is subject to its full force! Ergo, to rid Relubbus of English interlopers, one has only to detonate a "pasty-bomb" in the High Street!"

"But", I asked my informant, "what about us mongrels? What if you've got mixed DNA?"

he admitted, "we still need to do some work on that. It's simply a fine-tuning of the filtering system. If you've got more than 50% Celtic DNA you should be OK."
Crowlas Centre of Spiritual Growth --
closed down pending investigation!
By Rendle Janner
Pictured below in happier times, Ebenezer "Zak" Boscathnoe (78) the Director of the self-styled Centre of Spiritual Growth in Crowlas, finds himself at the centre of a storm of outrage, following undercover work by the Relubbus Secret Security Police (Sergeant Jack "Donkey" Clemo).

The Centre was opened in March of this year and operated on Tuesday and Thursday nights out of the British Legion hall. The fairly steep admission charge of £150 per person dissuaded the idly curious from taking a look. However, even this high price did not deter a seemingly endless stream of folk from queuing patiently to gain admission to the mysteries held within.

Zak Boscathnoe is nothing if not controversial. Hailing originally from Sennen, he had an unremarkable career as a meter reader with the South Western Electricity Board for many years, although he did occasionally become associated with a whiff of suspicion of fraudulent activity. Further, twenty years ago, his name did crop up in connection with some shenanigans involving members of the Heamoor Second Girl Guide Troop, but nothing was proven.

Given this background, his sudden appearance on the scene as a spiritual guide gave rise to a few questions. Ugly rumours caused Billy Spargo (Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council and, latterly, paramour of Madame Sarkozy) to send in the leader of the ultra-secret Relubbus Security Police ("Donkey" Clemo) for undercover investigation.

Donkey -- or "Big D" as he is known down at the White Hart -- came out with startling revelations and photographic evidence.

As the shocking picture on the left reveals, the "mysteries" seem to involve little more than the parading up and down of ex-members of the Heamoor Second Girl Guide Troop, clad only in feather boas and red paint. Big D commented to his mates down at the White Hart that this explained why all the visitors in the long queues were male. Before disappearing into the underworld in Hayle, Zak is reported to have attempted to defend the Centre and its strange practices by pointing out that visual stimulation and contemplation of beauty could spark and aid spiritual growth. Big D was of the opinion that localised physical growth was probably the only result of this shameless display.

The young lady in the picture has been identified as Miss Tamara Roskilly, a freelance lap dancer from Madron. She was not available for comment.

Spargo is pursuing a relentless crackdown on such "dives" as part of his "let’s put the family first" policies. Political observers also believe that the agenda is being driven by his fear of a backlash from the extremist Methodist fundamentalist groups, whose opinions are finding favour with large numbers of people in Kernow. Such groups also have militant wings and it is believed that the Spargo strike was aimed at staving off a more violent response from one of these groups.

Spotlight on Richard Head -- the man even other designers like to talk about!
With Court & Social editor Elsie Rescorla
Fashionable Crowlas designer Richard Head (32), pictured below in one of his latest creations, likes to stand out from the crowd. He holds to the same aspiration in all his design work -- it must stand out from the crowd.

A graduate of Relubbus Art College, he worked for a number of well-known Relubbus design houses before going solo and launching his own design house, DickHeads.

His aim is that his work should be instantly recognisable. "When someone is wearing my stuff, walking down Boswedden Lane or any other fashionable street in Relubbus, I want passers by to immediately recognise my creations and think, without hesitation, "Dickhead!"
For him it is not about designing something that looks trendy or arty, it is about developing a superbrand with instant recognition.

The hat he is wearing here was hand-knitted by his mother - to his design -- over a period of four winter months. Suitable only for outdoor wear or for use in a house with very high ceilings, the hat will retail for £14,000. Like any other Dickhead creation, it will be snapped up as soon as it is placed on sale.

Knitted items (usually knitted by his mother, but sometimes also by his Enty Doreen) feature significantly in the Dickhead range. So far he has produced the following items in knitted form -- underwear (male and female and incorporating hot water bottle for cold days); swimwear and diving gear (using special double-knit process from Enty Doreen); a toaster; a fridge; contraceptive sheaths; cutlery and garden implements.

Having now experimented widely in the use of wool, he believes that it will soon be time to move into another medium of artistic expression. Without going into specifics, he has suggested that the new season might see him launch a new clothing range, which, apart from the minimal use of bamboo, will be fashioned entirely from wood.

Despite the failure last year of his handbag range made from compacted cow manure,
one thing remains sure and that is that Richard Head will never abandon his commitment to use only natural materials for his creations. We wish Dickhead every success.
Fashionable Elsie Trembath is now available for hire to act as your garden statue! Pictured here on the left in her best outfit, Elsie (81) will stand in your garden for up to 30 minutes for £30. For an extra £15, she will remain absolutely motionless! For an additional £20, she will not speak at all. Most importantly, for an extra £25 and to comply with the Clean Air Act, she will do her best to avoid emitting smells.

For those interested in having an all-day statute, Elsie is prepared to do her best, but she will have to insist on having 10 minute breaks every hour, when she will also need a resuscitating cup of tea. Meals at meal-times should also be provided. All you need pay to have your garden graced by Elsie all day is a mere £1,500 plus VAT.

For those members of the Relubbus public worrying that there just isn’t enough of Elsie to go around, you will be greatly relieved to hear that she is training some of her friends from the Home to undertake sub-contracted statue duties.

Finally, in the summer months, and for a consideration of an additional £5,000 per day, Elsie is prepared to do a "nude standing" (absolutely no movement!) for those of you who seek the Roman statue effect for the more formal garden.

So, folk of Relubbus,
Do not delay,
Book your statue
With Elsie today
By Ballet Correspondent Augustus Ironing-Board
On the left is the building of the internationally renowned Relubbus Ballet Proper, situated in Boswedden Lane, in the highly fashionable diplomatic district of Relubbus.

Yesterday evening, this was the scene of an astoundingly innovative breakthrough in the world of performance arts, when Ms Doris Tregonning (56) staged her version of Swan Lake.

Doris is, of course, well known amongst the children of West Penwith for her hilariously funny glove puppet theatre.xxxxxx

However, this is believed to be the first glove puppet performance of Swan Lake ever staged anywhere in the world.

All six seats of the front row of the theatre were packed out for this "first" in the history of ballet. Seated next to me, and barely able to contain his excitement at the cultural feast before us, was none other than the Cultural Secretary of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Billy Peninula (71), shown in the picture below chatting to Ms Tregonning before the show

Possessed of a curious nervous tic that causes him to emit gas loudly at both ends simultaneously, Billy made for a rather testing seating companion, particularly in the more poignant moments of the ballet, but it was indeed an honour to have him there representing the GRUC on this opening night.

The crowd of ballet devotees who made up the audience crouched forward in their seats as the House staff manhandled the modified Punch and Judy stage into the auditorium and onto the centre of the main stage.

When silence is born of expectation -- it is loud, it is palpable, almost visible. So it was yesterday evening just before the show -- punctuated for me at regular intervals by Billy’s involuntary eructations and explosive flatulence on my left.

Then, Doris stepped on to the stage and moved across to take up her position behind the modified Punch and Judy stage.

It was only then that we realised that the orchestra pit was completely empty. The same question then went through the minds of all 6 of us, "Where will the music come from?". Some speculated whether Larry Botheras and his triangle might be making an unscheduled appearance, until someone else remarked that he was booked all week for performances down at the Bald Duck.

Further speculation was quashed by an admonition delivered in her characteristically strident voice by Doris, who called out from behind the Punch and Judy "Quiet please! I’m startin’ neow!"

Like some deafening gas, silence descended in folds over us, disturbed only by Billy’s customary and strangely rhythmic eruptions. Then we heard the opening bars of the ballet: they were being hummed -- loudly, clearly, triumphantly -- by Doris.

Yes, to our amazement, she was intending not only to perform the ballet with her glove puppets, she was going to hum the music as well! A feast indeed!

What then followed simply melts in my memory into a continuous intoxicating flow of beguiling glove-puppetry skills, of consummate artistry and uplifting gracefulness. One could only wonder how two hands could manage to play so many roles simultaneously and do so with such detailed finesse? How could they indeed do so, whilst the mind of the puppeteer is also focussed on reproducing the music of the ballet with astounding accuracy in hummed form. It was a breathtaking performance!

The whole audience was held in a trance of concentration from start to finish. When the end came, we all issued a deep sigh of pleasured exhaustion, of awe-struck wonder, before Billy led us, with a few igniting gaseous emissions in the most thunderous applause.

It was an evening I -- and the assembled audience -- shall never forget.

Editorial, by THE THUNDERER

Editor Sylvanus Penhaul gives the Roundup's verdict on Relubbus's new deterrent

The provocations meted out to Relubbus by the English state are too well known to need rehearsing here. Nonetheless, the so-called "pasty bomb" is not the answer. Its indiscriminate targeting of non-Celtic people amounts to racism of the most extreme and evil kind. Furthermore, it is a short-sighted and stupid response to a legitimate grievance. Relubbus (and Kernow) need all the help they can get from the English, not to alienate them completely!

Most of us in these islands are mongrels. The most patriotic Cornish person invariably has English friends and family members. Many of us are half-English ourselves! Due to our long history of inter-marriage and "fraternization", some of us may be half-English and not even know it!

The issue is not racial but cultural. If we are to preserve whatever is left of our Cornish culture we need the support of all the people of Cornwall -- whether they regard themselves as Cornish, English, Cornish-English, English-Cornish, Cornish-British, or indeed anything else!

So, if you regard yourself as in any sense "Cornish" -- by birth, marriage, residence, remote ancestry, or empathy -- or you simply love Cornwall and think its culture worth preserving, we need your help!



1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.

Professor Percy Roskilly-Strangelove, the enfant d'or (some would say enfant terrible) of the Relubbus scientific community, has died suddenly at the age of 55. Colleagues say he was conducting a typically daring experiment when he died.

German on his mother's side (his mother, Ute von Klum, was Professor of Theoretical Physics at the University of Ulm, while his father, Billy Roskilly, was an itinerant agricultural labourer from Praze-An-Beeble)
Professor Roskilly-Strangelove inherited all his mother's acute scientific intelligence and some of his father's lack of common sense. Because his mother was previously married to the English physicist Edward Strangelove, young Percy became known as Percy Roskilly-Strangelove.

Roskilly-Strangelove was best known as the flamboyant head of the Relubbus Nuclear Research Laboratory. If, as is widely anticipated, the GRUC announces that Relubbus has the Bomb, it is inevitable that Roskilly-Strangelove will become known as "the father of the Relubbus bomb", or perhaps, simply, "the Pasty Bomber".

Perhaps jealous of his posthumous celebrity, a few former colleagues have dropped hints that
Roskilly-Strangelove's methods were not always as rigorous as strict scientific orthodoxy demands. "I believe at the time of his death he may have been supervising a controlled explosion of a small prototype Pasty Bomb. It would have been typical of him to forget, in the excitement of the moment, that he had Saxon blood on his mother's side..."
Penrose Private Hospital. Medical treatment in Luxury!
We all greatly prize the National Health Service, but we also know the pressures under which it operates, which sometimes mean that we do not get the treatment we need when we want it.

The Penrose Private Hospital revolutionises the world of private health and, through its innovative approach, will hopefully win over those for whom the very subject of private health care seems to raise insuperable moral objections.

The Penrose is a glittering new development, enjoying the benefit of the very best in premises, staff and equipment. It is, of course, available to any toffs who can afford to pay. However, for every one paid operation, the Penrose will offer the same operation -- free! -- to a member of the deserving poor.**

On the left we show a picture of the completed development -- The Penrose - in its charming rural location on the outskirts of Camborne.

Here patients will not only get the very best in private health care, but they will also enjoy the luxury of 10 star hotel accommodation.

This Oates-Trevaskis development has spared no expense in creating a dream hospital with facilities that will be the envy of every medical establishment in the world.

The Penrose has a welcome desk with lady (Mrs Edna Hollis) to take your credit card details (or cash) on arrival. You will then be taken to one of the three private rooms. Each room has the benefit of:
  • A luxury camp bed with sheets changed monthly
  • Toilet bucket (you don’t even have to leave the room!) with lid (less whiff!)
  • A wind-up radio (environmentally friendly)
  • Towels changed every month
  • Wash handbasin (with plumbing to follow soon!)
  • Extra blanket for the winter months
The care team consists of:
  • Mr Mohammed Al Wajid al Wahab (42), a fully trained chiropodist from Cairo. Mohammed is very quick with his use of the phrasebook and can be expected to catch on very quickly with the diagnosis of your ailments. Mohammed is also the chief surgeon and is happy to have a go at anything, no matter how complex.
  • Miss Peggy Hosking (51), the anaesthetist and nurse. As the former barmaid of the Bald Duck, she is expert in inducing inebriation to the degree required for major surgery of all types. Equipped with her Guide’s badge for First Aid, she is eminently qualified to assist in all matters medical.
In the interest of saving you money, the operating theatre also doubles up as the kitchen.

On the left can be viewed the great range on which a full, life-restoring, Cornish breakfast (including hogs pudding!) can be prepared, to be followed a few minutes later by the heating of scalding pans of water to wash down the table prior to an operation and to heat up the surgical implements (Mohammed’s Swiss Army knife).

As the first heavily inebriated patient is assisted in by Peggy, Mohammed hastily chases around his phrase book to locate the correct Arab equivalent of what it is he is being requested to do. No challenge is too great for him, as he accepts all outcomes with the resignation of one for whom fate determines all.

Despite this acceptance of the inevitability of the hand of fate, he is always plucky enough to have a go and do his best, even if the English-to-Arabic translated task appears impossible, such as last week’s hysterectomy performed on an 81 year old man. (Worried readers will be reassured to know that the patient was only charged (posthumously) for the in-growing toenail he had wanted treated and not for the much more expensive hysterectomy!)

Detailed prices available on application. By way of indication, same day ambulant treatment costs on average £4,000. A four day package costs on average £20,000.

The Penrose offers treatment for the body and balm for the conscience!!

** To win a free operation, the "deserving poor" must pass three simple control tests:
  1. Write an 80,000 word essay in Middle High German on the origins of Heroic poetry
  2. Win an underwater ironing competition
  3. Predict the winning numbers in the National Lottery four times in a row
There are those that would designate the Cornish as a minority ethnic group in Britain. This is about as senseless -- or sensible -- as designating the English as a minority ethnic group on the planet. It is far more appropriate to observe that the Cornish are the majority ethnic group in Kernow, with a sizeable diaspora.

One significant population of expatriate Cornish can be found in Australia. (The Editor pauses to greet our many Aussie readers!) For this reason, it was a particular pleasure to be able to call upon the outback-style hut which serves as the Australian Embassy in Relubbus, where we were the guests of the extremely hospitable Oz Ambassador, His Excellency ("You can cut out all that 'Excellency' crap, mate!") Billy Baragwanna.

Let Billy speak for himself. "Like all good Aussies, I absolutely hate Pommie bastards. But, as we all know, Kernow and Relubbus are not England, which is the cesspit of anglo-arsed preciosity -- they deserve to get whipped in rugby and cricket and even tiddlywinks, if they still play that in Pomland.

"As my name gives away, I am of Cornish origin. Back in 1820, my ancestor stole bread, because he didn’t have a farthing to scratch his arse with, could get no work and had to feed a family. He got transported -- from Relubbus - to the land of Oz. That’s why I am so pleased to be able to return to to represent my country here in the rich and vibrant diplomatic community of Relubbus -- my spiritual homeland... Yn Gernow lowen ov."
Throughout our whole stay, Billy was careful to ply us with tins of "Dark and Stormy" from Queensland -- a powerful brew that somehow never seemed to leave you satisfied -- you always came back for more.

Following several tens of tins of "Dark and Stormy", I fell up against the window and, steadying myself, glimpsed the strangest dog I had ever seen. Contentedly urinating into a bucket, Billy confided that this was no ordinary dog, this was his special dog, a fine example of a native Aussie breed, that bears a striking, though passing, resemblance to the kangaroo. Billy explained that this type of dog, the Queensland Heeler, was an Australian speciality bred for the herding of cattle. Inquisitive, intelligent and good-humoured, the Heelers make ideal family pets as well as working dogs.

Billy’s dog, Oscar, was particularly intelligent and came in handy around the embassy in assisting with incoming mail and drafting suitable replies. All he required in return for completing these special duties was his own supply of "Dark and Stormy".

Oscar is pictured on the left, as he sets out for an afternoon stroll. Like all dogs he needs plenty of exercise but, given his extremely high intelligence, he does not need to be accompanied by a human when out for walkies.

As part of his role in promoting Australia, Billy has used some of his time in Relubbus to promote the sale of Queensland Heelers to English people. He is very careful not to make any such sales to the Cornish.

Billy has no plans to return to Oz. When his tour of duty ends, he is thinking of resigning from the Australian Diplomatic service and settling down in St Buryan -- with Oscar. The only thing that he will miss and needs to get sent over especially from Oz is his beloved "Dark and Stormy".

After a few more tins, it was time for me to go and I slowly tried to peel my semi-comatose body from the seat in which it seemed to have permanently moulded itself. It had been a bonzer visit.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too!
They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!
Bill Trevorrow (23) is an apprentice electrician from Gurnard’s Head. He has been held back in the love stakes by the fact that he is still very attached to his little brother. As many men have found, little brothers can get in the way of an otherwise blossoming relationship with a young lady. In Bill’s case, the spiteful vindictive nature of his "little brother", Tom, has sabotaged all liaisons to date, with the three young ladies involved all having to be taken to hospital for urgent treatment.

Bill believes that a relationship is possible, if the chosen young lady will also pay some attention to Tom, when canoodling with him. Apparently, Tom loves being stroked under his fang, becoming very docile and unlikely to attack for several minutes afterwards. If you want to make a lonely man happy and like the idea of having a ‘little bruv’ about, then Box 4562 is the one for you.

Terry Angwin (26) is a very shy young man whose unusual looks have made it difficult for him to form relationships. He works, part-time, as a nightclub doorman at Godolphin Cross, living in a nearby beach hut. He is a passionate cook, liking nothing better than to rip into living small creatures with his bare teeth. His ambition is to appear as one of the helpers in a garden makeover TV programme. He would love to meet a girl, but failing that would just like to "hang out" or "chill" with young people of his own age. Terry is waiting to hear from you at Box 5620.

Des Polkinghorne (33) is a double glazing fitter from Hayle, who, after a messy divorce, would like to have "another crack at that marriage thing". Des admits that he is a bit of a Mummy’s boy. His Mum makes all his clothes for him and insists on living with her only child, "particularly as my ‘usbant 'as bin taken from me" in a motor bike accident 12 years ago.

Des hands his Mum his wages at the end of the week and is given some sweets and pocket money, which his Mum will let him share with any new girlfriend he is lucky enough to find.

Des’s Mum says that he will be allowed to take a girl out in the evenings, but that she will have to make sure he is back home for his supper at 8.30 pm sharp.

If you want to share Love Hearts with Des, Box 7629 is the one for you.

Michaela Rosewarne is a 21 year old lovely who wanted to become a nun. However, she found that the uniform was far too long and didn’t show off her legs, so she has knocked that idea on the head. Michaela lives at home in Gulval with Mum and Dad and her two brothers. Being the baby of the family, she has always been used to getting her own way. She helps out in Dad’s butcher’s shop on the till.

Her hobbies are make-up, doing her hair, doing her nails, reading ("OK", "Hello" and other such titles), listening to the radio and watching telly ("I’ve never missed ANY of the soaps since I was 12!!"). Michaela says is looking for a man who will appreciate her for her mind. If that’s you, it’s Box 4623.

Leslie Trewella (23) is an interesting challenge. After thorough investigations, Leslie has been found to be completely asexual, having none of the usual tell-tale organs. Leslie has no particular romantic feelings for either sex, nor does he/she feel any allegiance towards either sex. Leslie lives alone, in a social vacuum, in an abandoned Ford Cortina Mark III in a field near Rosudgeon. Although Leslie claims benefit, he/she does some part time work as a sign post at Marazion.

Leslie has no particular interests or hobbies and just likes to keep quiet. He/she would like to try a relationship to see what it is all about, but warns that any attempt whatever to get physical will be rebuffed, violently if necessary.
Box 8846

Linda Polwhele (28) is a vivacious and curvaceous jewel of a girl from Nancledra. Linda has a doctorate in music and is a teacher of music at Relubbus Cathedral School. Originally from Fowey, Linda has her own house and car and now lives alone. She would like to meet a professional man to share her life, but to date her busy lifestyle has made meeting that special person difficult.

She loves reading (is fluent in French and Italian), enjoys theatre (has a season ticket for the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre), plays hockey and tennis and is a very enthusiastic cook. She is the current President of the Cornish Toad-Flattening Society and would ideally like to meet a man who shares her interest in flattening toads. (It is done with a mallet.)

Box 4992 is the one for you, if you would like to make Linda a part of your life.


with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge

He’s the mystic they all think terrific

Because his predictions are completely specific!

Astrology is an ancient science. Its premise is that the relative positioning of the planets at the time of our birth -- and indeed throughout our lives -- determines what happens to us.

Many charlatans operate by the dim light of astrology and their words are not worth listening to at all. The Roundup is pleased and honoured to have secured the services of one of the true greats in the world of mysticism -- Monsieur Maurice Labalge. His name is a byword for accuracy, honesty and truth throughout his native Brittany. Our most faithful readers will also have come to appreciate, through experience, the startling veracity of his statements.

Aries Not for nothing did Shakespeare compose his sonnets. Awake! This is the time of great love in your life. You have long waited to meet such a man. He is here. Do not stalk him, but walk with him and, fixing him with a lovelorn look that reflects the depth of your feeling, sing the sonnets to him. You will soon know the warmth of his love!

Also, the motor bike is likely to start playing up again this month, even after the servicing last month. It is time to take it back down there and let them know you are not going to put up with this sort of thing any longer.

Taurus Not everyone can win the lottery and the stars do not foretell a win for you -- ever. However, there are many honest ways in which to make a fortune. The obvious way for you to make a fortune is to open a cycle repair and servicing workshop in the back of Bread Street, Penzance. You should call this shop Richard's. Well, what are you waiting for?

Gemini Last month was a difficult one for you. Your husband did not have to be so openly cruel in the matter of a separation. However, the stars are fair and even-handed in their treatment of us all. The git will pay for it this month and your stars will be riding high! I would suggest a visit to the STD clinic.

Cancer That mysterious bad smell will come back again with a vengeance. Scrubbing vigorously with carbolic soap every day will help you, but be prepared to put up with snide comments from colleagues until it is gone. Mrs Pengelly’s cat will be in your garden after the birds again.

Leo It is hard being a teenaged boy, but you have got to keep on going. Do not allow your feelings to be buffeted about by the happenings of the day. Pick a fight with someone and give them a real pasting -- you might feel better -- before you get arrested. You will get arrested anyway -- for the theft I warned you not to commit!

Virgo When you get home, remove your clothes, put on the mask and lie in the bath, whilst enjoying a glass of Babycham. When your husband gets back, he can run the bath with warm water and you can relax while he cooks for you. You deserve to be spoilt, you deserve the very best of times -- to make up for the horrors which await you at the end of the week. It is too awful to even write about it!

Libra You have been thinking about the amputee lady who lives on Gwavas Estate. You can’t stop wondering, can you? Wearing your green mac and PINK training shoes (acquire them!), go to Andrewartha's next Tuesday morning at 10.30 and events will unfold to your great satisfaction.

Scorpio At 5.30 this afternoon, leave your house. Walk up Alexandra Road. Turn right and keep going until you get to the Greenmarket. She will be waiting for you, or so you think. You will approach her. Out of nowhere a fist will connect to your jaw, flooring you. It is her husband. Of course, now that you have read these words, you may decide to avoid this unpleasant fate. That would be wise.

Sagittarius You have known for some time that your hair colour is not right for you. You will need to change it again now. The stars all say that, despite your comparative youth, a blue rinse would suit you well. Visit the dentist urgently and you might be in time to save the tooth that the stars say is under grave threat. The "lost" library ticket is actually under last week’s Radio Times in the front room. Be tidy!

Capricorn I did counsel you strongly against plastic surgery, but you wouldn’t listen. However, accepting a nose-job from Trembath’s mobile car-tuning and facial surgery unit was reckless in the extreme. Off to Treliske with you, you silly girl. The TV licensing people will be checking down your road next week.

Aquarius Beware of dwarves, midgets, children, and indeed any small people on Thursday morning. Tomorrow, when you open the new marmalade and notice that it smells badly, be duly warned -- it has accidentally been poisoned. The next few weeks will seem dull in comparison with what eventually comes in three months' time. But beware, there is always a price to pay -- in your case, a high one.

Pisces It is always a great joy and a pleasure to be able to be the bringer of good news to people. Unfortunately, I am not able to do that for you today -- quite the reverse. Death and divorce are two of the most stressful things we have to deal with in life. The stars do reveal that there is a strong chance that someone living within 50 miles of you is going to suffer one or other, or indeed both, of these events during the next few decades. It will not upset you unduly, as you do not even know the person concerned, but you should try to feel more empathy. Car insurance is up for renewal next month.

  • CELEBRITY -- hidden in Relubbus. Court & Social Correspondent Elsie Rescorla uncovers the international celebrities leading hidden lives in Relubbus.
  • Roundup Reporters challenge Oates’ Superstore divvy coupon forger!
  • NEW: our "LETTERS TO THE EDITOR" section
  • Our celebrated Poetry Corner, with our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka
  • Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section
  • And much, much more!