Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


How to spoil your Mum on Mother's Day. A review of what's available in the Relubbus area, researched by Kezia Bowden

Let the Roundup help you give your Mum something unusual, which she won't easily forget! Here are some ideas:

Romantic Sing song with 'Fats' Clemo, the internationally acclaimed Rosudgeon singer.

For a modest outlay on your part of only £2.47, Fats will come round to your Mum's house and sing "lovesongs through the letterbox" for not less than 3 minutes.

For an extra £5.35, he will hand your Mum a posy of flowers he has picked himself, probably from her garden.

For a further £35, he will come in and eat a meal cooked by your Mum (provided that said meal contains at least 4 courses). Finally, for an additional £50, he will bring a bottle of sparkling St Buryan white and drink it in front of your Mum.

Treat your Mum to a hairstyling session she will never forget! 43-year-old Derek Tonkin (shown here on the left) suffered from a rapidly receding hairline, before he was sent to Master Tregonning's, the world famous Ludgvan hairstylist, by his Mum.

He came out with a nearly full head of purple hair and says he now feels like a new woman.

Just think, if the Master can do this for Derek, just what can he do for your Mum!

10 minute coiffuring sessions in the presence of the Master cost £369 plus VAT, but as plasterer Derek says, it was "worth every penny ob 'n!".

Teat your Mum to an intimate massage session with Denzil ("I'm a pushover really") Tiger Trevains.

Denzil (39), from Pendeen, may be a florist by day, but by night (or evening, at any rate) he is the dispenser of the most soothing massage this side of Ludgvan. His clawed hands leave virtually no trace and little blood as he tickles incision after incision into the backs of his patients.

Denzil is available for home visits and will arrive at your home on a tandem with his 98 year-old dad, 'Arry, who hums relaxing music whilst his son performs the massage. Denzil performs for £30 per half hour session, inclusive of the £5 beer money for his Dad's humming.

Treat your Mum to a pair of hobnail boots, as engineered by the Boot King of Madron himself, Itchy Polglaze. Everyone knows that women love their shoes, so just think of the impact you would have by presenting your Mum with something a little different, a pair of Itchy's boots. Made according to the highest standards of what must now be sadly seen as a dying craft, these boots will fit almost like a glove* and they will certainly be the talk of all of your Mum's friends. They can be worn as easily with a ballgown as with a short skirt. They can be worn to the theatre, to the dance floor, and to the tennis court. They will last for decades! They can be your Mum's for as little as £799.99 plus VAT. Go on, you have only got one Mum, so let her know you really care, by giving her hobnailed boots.
* after being "worn in" for a couple of years

For an unusual gift, just take your Mum down to Praa Sands and let her have a camel ride on Cornwall's only three-legged camel, Alfonso! Although he is normally the star of the Relubbus International Circus (he lost one leg in an unfortunate fall from the trapeze four years ago), Alfonso delights in taking people for a ride. Seen here refusing to get up until the lady pays the full fare, Alfonso will give your Mum a ride for a mere £135 for 10 minutes (including photo, which he will sign with his own hoof!).

Does your Mum like fun? Is she up for a laugh? Then buy her some of Risky Bosallow's "But Is It Chocolate?" range.

Risky is the renowned Gurnard's Head chocolatier with a difference. The subtleties of his chocolate are the stuff of legend and he counts all the crowned heads of Europe as his customers.

A man of restless talents, he has now devised a new "But Is It Chocolate?" range. 75% of the goods sold under this brand are fashioned from the finest natural products available and are indeed made of chocolate. The remaining 25% is fashioned from assorted freely available natural (waste) products. The fun in buying from the "Is It?" range is that you have no idea what is in the box. It could be all chocolate or it could be made from another substance. Much more likely, you will get a mix, which can only add to the fun and suspense. Go on -- spoil her -- a box of 15 pieces costs just £95!

Give her a Gerald Tonkin Handkerchief! Tonkin has been a collector of used handkerchiefs from the stars for over 40 years. Now he is prepared to sell some of his huge collection. The hankies are unwashed and contain genuine body fluids of the named stars. So, if your Mum swoons at the mere mention of John Wayne, Tom Jones, or Eric Addicoat, now you can offer her a little trace of her hero.

There are thousands of hankies in stock, so you will not be disappointed with super gifts at prices you can afford. For example, a John Wayne noseblow is only £5.45; or there's Eric Addicoat ear wax, at £3.75. Don't delay, make Mum happy today!


Lily Nichols, the ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe who has convinced large sections of the English press that she is in fact "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall", was involved in an embarrassing incident on Tuesday when she opened the new Trevaskis superstore at Long Rock.

This was the first time that Lily has undertaken an engagement in her native Cornwall: up to now, she has always declined Cornish engagements, for fear that she might be recognised by a passing Perranuthnoe resident with a long memory. As events were to prove, it was a precaution that Lily may regret having abandoned.

As the "Duchess" arrived at the store, she was greeted by a vast crowd of five (and one dog) that lined the streets. Royalists in the crowd cheered and clapped and waved Union flags. A Cornish Nationalist shouted "Kernow Kensa! Bugger off!" The dog was silent.

The Duchess is shown above, being escorted around the aisles of the new store by the store owner, multi-billionaire Mr W.G. Trevaskis, whose meanness is a legend in West Cornwall.

Ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack has captured the exact moment when "Camilla", having lifted a bar of chocolate from one of the counter displays, surreptitiously began to eat it, with Mr Trevaskis, following behind, none the wiser.

Worse was to follow. As Camilla left the store, an alarm was suddenly triggered, which seemed to emanate from the Duchess. It was very loud and very persistent. The crowd that lined the pavements fell silent in shock. The noise droned on.

Suddenly, two large security women appeared. Perhaps unaware of the identity of the "Duchess", or perhaps called, notwithstanding her celebrity, by Mr Trevaskis (whose meanness is a legend in West Cornwall), they seized the Duchess and frisked her. A succession of objects fell to the ground -- a box of biscuits, more chocolate, a half-bottle of gin. The crowd looked on in horror.

Then a passing Perranuthnoe resident (with a long memory) called out "'Ow are 'ee, Lily me 'ansum? I'd a knawed 'ee anywhere! Still lika bitta gin, I see!" Camilla's embarrassment was complete!


Picture by Bathtime Botheras

In newspaper publishing parlance, this story represents a "scoop". On the left is a picture of Xaxtec -- the alien with a distinct chicken appearance -- that landed last week in a field not far from the Merry Maidens.

It goes without saying that it was the Roundup's award-winning reporting duo of Jimmy Oppy (the man with the pencil) and Bathtime Botheras (the man with the camera) who, with the customary screech of bicycle brakes, were first on the scene, when Xaxtec's landing craft (the coop) touched down.

Jimmy and Bathtime's sense of ridicule at talking with a chicken was fully matched by Xaxtec's horror at having to converse with "Zezigorrups", a form of fast food on his home planet. Scarcely able to conceal his revulsion at having to engage in conversation with a form of food for the masses back home, Xaxtec explained that, on his home planet, Klucktup, beings called Zezzigorrups -- which look EXACTLY like us -- are bred in disgusting battery farms and fed to the masses.

Having made that admission, he clucked a bit and went on to say that it was only the flesh on the left hand's little finger that was regarded as the edible part of the Zezigorrup -- the rest was incinerated as a cheap form of fuel.

Jimmy and Bathtime had now reached the point where they could have happily given "that chicken a damned good kicking", but then Xaxtec went on to ask just how surprised we would be if a Big Mac turned round to talk to us. That was exactly how he felt at being addressed by Zezigorrups.

Both being members of the Zennor Philosophical Society, Jimmy and Bathtime were -- only just -- able to get their heads round the idea of extending this conversation with the chicken.

They told Xaxtec that here -- on Earth -- beings that looked exactly like him were called "chickens" and that these "chickens" were also bred in battery farms and eaten -- in their entirety, apart from their heads, claws, bones, and feathers -- all of which were rendered down to create "chicken flavour".

This news resulted in enraged and agitated clucking on the part of Xaxtec, who couldn't get over the fact that some people here actually eat the "parson's nose"! "What?!" he cried, "They would eat my bum?! These 'people' are animals!"

Xaxtec asked Jimmy and Bathtime to convey his best wishes (and humble apologies) to humankind, then he turned back to the coop and disappeared back into space. He left a "spell' on our reporting duo, who were cast into a mysterious stupor, from which they recovered only the next morning, finding themselves miraculously transposed into a lying position in front of the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn.