Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Put on this world by the power above
We are destined here to seek out love.
But, if you’ve knocked in vain at love’s bright door
Choose from these ads and knock no more!

We are pleased to be able to post details of those who are looking for love in West Penwith, knowing that we are helping love’s echo to find its way home by bringing you together.

Sister Demelza (31), who achieved fame by becoming top goal scorer in the West Penwith Methodist Nuns’ football league (2nd Division) has decided that it is time to call ‘Dun Nunning’ and to re-enter the secular world, find a man and have kiddies.

Having belonged to the most liberal wing of Methodist Nuns, Demelza is not entirely foreign to the ways of the world, having worked part time at the St Buryan Inn as a barmaid and ‘private’ lap dancer.

Demelza states that “I have kept myself for my husband and would now like him to step forward - but I want a man who can dribble better than me!” Apply through Mother Superior at the St Buryan Methodist Nunnery on 674 302.

Dick “Gloria” Penhallow (31) is a gas fitter and something of a loner from Heamoor. Dick has had a string of unsatisfactory relationships, but insists that guinea pigs are now very firmly part of his past.

He would like to meet a young woman who will be prepared to provide him with practical help on nights out, which he would like to enjoy as “Gloria”, sharing gossip, giggles and girly tips on make-up, nail polish, shoes and the like.

When not Gloria, Dick is a man’s man. Most evenings he comes into town at around 7.00 pm and chooses to drink at the White Hart Inn in Mount Street until closing time, consuming on average 7 pints a night. Whilst ideally seeking a girly friend for Gloria, Dick will be happy to meet anyone who would be prepared to spend some time with him or Gloria. Heamoor 678 345

Gladys Punge (28) is a Primary School teacher from Rosudgeon. Gladys is a fan of traditional jazz, a keen member of her local WI, and loves baking special cakes for her pet crocodile.

Absolutely devoted to her job, she cannot envisage stopping to have children of her own, “As I’ve got 30 children of my own already – every year!”

A gifted clarinettist, she is a member of the Prah Sands underwater wind orchestra. Gladys has been affianced on three previous occasions, but unfortunately all three young men died in unfortunate drownings off Prah Sands, whilst out swimming with Gladys. Rosudgeon 764 357

Lorenzo Colenso (25, formerly Tommy Trevains) is a unisex toenail pedicurist from Morvah, where he runs three toenail salons catering for both male and female members of the local farming community.

Lorenzo hears ‘voices’ and believes that he is destined to fall in a love with an overweight, much older woman “with challenging feet”. He is therefore only interested in meeting obese females over the age of 65.

Having overcome all his considerable learning difficulties, ‘Cappen’ Jacko Trembath (35) is, by day, a highly qualified and capable gentlemen’s outfitter at Jacobs in Market Jew Street in Penzance. Being something of a fantasist, once he has got home of an evening and has eaten all his tea, he becomes Cappen Trembath – a pirate king.

A gentleman of some considerable charm, he is the epitome of eloquence, once one has got used to the fact that he pronounces all his ‘r’s as ‘l’s and vice versa. Morvah 546 234

Lobwid Dlud (16) is a deckchair attendant at Marazion beach. Despite her young years, she already claims to have a degree in Mathematics from Cambridge University, as well as a Divinity degree from Rosudgeon Polytechnic.

Having lost all sense of proportion in a tiddlywinks competition two years ago, she has now taken to wearing extravagant hats in a vain attempt at compensation.

She claims to have an anatomical ‘deviation’, which she says will make her very popular amongst men, but she won’t say what it is. If you want to find out… phone Marazion 653976

Angel Fuddlewit (25) is a successful post-operative, who now can’t wait to get out there to show off. Angel is an unemployed musketeer living in Paul, where he has founded the West Penwith Musketeers' company, of which he is President, Secretary and sole member.

He remains brightly optimistic that things will soon begin to “look up” on the musketeering front, which he accepts has been “a bit quiet” in recent centuries.

He certainly believes that he will be a much more successful musketeer than would have been possible had he remained a woman, when the only employment he had been able to find was as a junior at Shelley’s Hair & Beauty in St Just.

Now, he is ‘a new man’ and he is looking for a woman to share his life. Paul 764 239


Sources close to Sir Fred Goodwin (left) the much-vilified former CEO of the Royal Bank of Scotland, say that he is to move to the village of Helford, on the south-east Lizard peninsula.

Goodwin, probably the most hated man in Britain, is seen by most people as the archetype of the "fat cat" bank bosses who walked away with millions in pensions and bonuses after driving their institutions to the edge of bankruptcy -- and sometimes beyond.

While billions of taxpayers' money were spent in propping up the failing banks, and ordinary bank employees were made redundant or saw their own pension funds halved in value, Sir Fred and his ilk gracefully departed the scene to enjoy a champagne lifestyle.

One has to have some sympathy for Sir Fred, though. It can't be much fun being the most hated man in Britain. Recently his house and car were vandalised. It's rumoured that he's taken to wearing a disguise on the rare occasions that he ventures outside.

So why is Sir Fred moving to Helford (shown on the left)? Our source said that "
he wants to live among like-minded people, somewhere where he doesn't feel out of place".

Recently Helford attracted national attention when the so-called "Helford Village Society", which is dominated by second-home owners who rarely visit the village, objected to local fishermen's plans to build a jetty at which to land their catches.

Although plans for the new jetty were approved by the district council almost two years ago -- to the satisfaction of local conservation bodies -- they are on hold because members of the Village Society have forced a judicial review of the council’s decision. It will cost the council a considerable amount of money to put their case and local council tax payers will have to foot the bill.

Our informant is convinced that Sir Fred will feel at home in Helford. He told us: "Fred will probably become a leading light in the Village Society. They're his kind of people. And they'll love him."

Iggy Polglaze, owner of the local shop, is delighted that Sir Fred is moving to the village. "This'll definitely push up the tripper numbers. Everyone 'll want to come an' 'av a go at Sir Fred. We're gettin' in a new line in half-bricks,an' we expect to make a bomb!"