Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Youngsters in and around Relubbus will surely be thrilled to have the opportunity of selecting their most favourite popular song at a special Youngsters' Gala night at the internationally renowned Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Saturday night.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (108) has helped the youngsters by selecting for them eight all time greats from which to choose their favourite song and the eight greats are:

  1. I do like to be beside the seaside
  2. Goin' up Cambern 'ill
  3. I'm Henery the Eighth I am
  4. Where did you get that hat?
  5. Hello! Hello! Who's your lady friend?
  6. Hold your hand out naughty boy!
  7. It's a long way to Tipperary
  8. Waiting at the Church
The songs will be performed by two alternating groups, both well-known to the young Cornish audience - namely The Nancledra Black and White Gay Barber Shop Quartet and the Kkenidjack Kkernewek Kkemmyn Kkaraokke Ensemble (with ever popular organ soloist Onan Weebles).

Smart money in internet betting circles seems to indicate that "Goin up Cambern 'ill" is the runaway favourite.

The event is open to any youngsters between the age of 15 and 21. The Panopticon can accomodate 40,000 people and the event is expected to be packed out on the night.

Girls will sit on the left of the theatre and the boys will sit on the right, whilst the gangway between them will be patrolled by members of the Young Methodist Women's League against 'Goings on'.

Councillor Spargo has asked that the doors be opened at 3.30 pm to let the audience in so that the four hour event will be over in good time to allow the youngsters to get home early to bed for Chapel next morning.

The compere of the event will be the all-time kiddies' favourite Mr Pastry, pictured here far left.

However, everyone is expecting Pinky and Perky to put in an appearance as well to amuse the boys and girls.

The two little piggies seem to have a cult status amongst the young folk of Relubbus.

We asked some youngsters what they thought about this superb entertainment event.

Christine Slut, a 19 year old self-employed 'pole dancer' from Sancreed, said, "Well, it makes a change from walking the streets, so I'm up for it!"

Nigel Botheras, a 20 year old trolley operative apprentice from Pendeen said, "If it means a free bus out of Pendeen, I'm yer man!"

Kerensa Trewhela, a 21 year old 'junya' from the Relubbus branch of the internationally renowned Shelley's Hair and Beauty said, "Luvlee! When all they people duh see my 'air, they might as' me to do theirs too!"

Of course, the Roundup will be there to report on this Youngsters' event of the year.



R C Oates Superstore opens its Christmas Wonderland on Tuesday 1st December!!

Christmas is coming and there are lots of preparations to be made.

With Oates of Relubbus, you need have no fears – all your needs will be met. So Hurry Along!!

Mr Oates himself, as the photo shows, is eagerly awaiting you all with his customary smile to wish a very Merry and exceedingly Jolly Christmas.

The first two ladies to cross the door will receive a glass of SNOWBALL complete with glacé cherry Рabsolutely FREE!!

Inside there are loads of presents for all the family! But that's not all!!

We not only have presents for ladies and gents and children, we also have the largest range (outside Brighton) of presents specifically for the Lesbian, Gay, Transgender and Bisexual community. We even have presents for you, if you are just feeling a bit queer! So come inside and check out the huge range in our sixteen floor department store.

For Kiddies!!

We have gone out of our way to make sure that the kiddies have lots of Christmas fun.

Get the brand new game of RISK. This is a board game involving armies and the winner is the one who takes over the world!

Includes lifelike masks of Bush, Blair, Sadaam and Ghaddafi and all your favourites! Just £47!!

Get a super BOY'S OWN Annual!!

This is packed from cover to cover with stories that will keep the kids (and dads!) laughing all Christmas day!

Includes a whoopee cushion and three packs of Polkinghorne’s famous FART powder!! Just £24!!

Keep your little laddie happy with a DAVY CROCKETT outfit. All the boys will want one.

Make sure that your little laddie is not disappointed. Just £195 for the real Beaver fur version!! NB Knife is razor sharp!!!

Get the whole family playing SWACK. This super game will get them thinking! Features questions on mental arithmetic, history, geography and other core school subjects.

Each player puts their fingers in a steel-toothed mousetrap and- if they get the answer wrong – it’s SWACK! Just £75!! (comes with FREE starter medical kit!)

For Women!!
Our in-store branch of Shelley’s Hair and Beauty will be offering mince pies, mulled wine and nipples for everyone between 4.30pm and 4.49 pm on the day.

Other offers include:

2.7% off all our treatments for fat people!

£50 off our famous oxyacetylene treatment for nails (now down to only £750!!)

5% off spot squeezers (2nd hand only) and other used beauty tools!

New £3 chemical blue rinse treatment for old folk – with free wig when it goes wrong!

Get your teeth tattooed with your lover’s name for only £938!

Plus lots more!!

Such as ….the special guest appearance of Frank Ifield singing his latest hit

“I remember you” at 4.42 pm.

For Men!!

Useful books:

Britain by B Roads

Miming ‘Cornishman in the Rain’ and other great impressions

Sewer fishing guide

How to play Trampoline Chess

How to get away with Murder

How to pick nose, ears and teeth without damaging vital organs

Also brand new consignment of Hungarian Nylon Drip-dry shirts in for neck size 12” and 21” only!!!


The RC Oates sponsored Christmas Panto will be taking place once again at the 3rd Relubbus Scout Hut. A full costume rehearsal is shown in the picture on the left.

A surprise member of the cast is none other than Greater Relubbus Urban Council Leader, Billy Spargo (106). He is in heavy disguise.

A generous prize (worth £7,000!!) awaits the first reader, who correctly identifies which one of the cast members is the great Billy Spargo and who qualifies according to all the selection criteria.

Readers must send in their ‘guess’ in a sealed envelope, marked “Where’s Spargo competition?” and containing a £10 note. They must also enclose a stamped addressed envelope together with a haiku in medieval Albanian on the subject of in-growing toenails.

The readers that achieve this then qualify for the last leg of the competition, which is the four mile swim across Mounts Bay to be completed in under 35 minutes.

The eventual winner than receives a free night of passion with celebrated Madron courtesan Chlamydia Trewhela (39).

Yes, Christmas is coming…………