Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By Literary Editor Barrabas Tonkin

The Beastie Book of Bad Hair, by Tobias Slaphead. 399 pages, published by Baldie at £59.99.

This sumptuously illustrated volume, containing as it does 103 full colour plates, 44 black and white photographs, and 78 line drawings of unfortunate coiffures, is a must for all serious students of the bouffant, beehive, and mullet.

The Art of Funerary Violin, by Wolfgang Amadeus Mincetart, 3 pages, published by Decca at £799.50.

If you take your violin to the memorial service and someone asks you to play, you need never be at a loss again! Tunes to suit all tastes, from the solemn (Ol' Man River) to the celebratory (Ragtime Cowboy Joe). Recommended.

How Green Were The Nazis?, by Josef Goebbels Jnr. 199 pages, published by NeoCon Books at £3.99.

A refreshingly original book that challenges the stereotypical view of the Nazis as war-mongering mass-murderers. The author has a most persuasive writing style that forces you to question familiar clichés. For example, who would have guessed that Hermann Goering's favourite pastime was cultivating tulips, or that Himmler was "rather similar" to Goering in this (as in one other, better known, respect)?

The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories, by Gilda Mare. 599 pages, published by Girls' Own Publishing at £17.99. Illustrated.

Aimed at pony-mad girls aged 10 to 16, this item should be lapped up by parents of this hard-to-buy-for age group.

The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book, by Nicherles Lappin. 978 pages, published by M&S at £1.99.

Six hundred and sixty-eight ideas of what to do with old (preferably unsoiled) underwear.

The Thermodynamics of Pizza, by Harold J. Morowitz. 1 page, published by the University of Lower Gwavas. Price varies according to toppings.

This is a learned work that should be attempted only by physicists who have studied to post-graduate level.

The Waterless Toilet. Is It Right For You?, by Tom Crapper. 300 pages (including 20 blank 'for emergencies'), published by Closet at 20p.

Contains invaluable advice and diagrams to help you construct your own environmentally-friendly waterless loo.