Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Tens of thousands of happy holidaymakers visit Sennen beach each year. They are entranced by its sparkling, shimmering beauty and, as they relax and play on its pure white sands, the cares of daily life simply slip away from their consciousness.

As they frolic in the sea or just lie there letting the sun gently tan their revealed adiposity, little do they realise that they are within a mere hundred yards or so of one of the greatest sages to walk this earth, former postman A.C.D.C. “Jimmy” Jago (103).

Since taking early retirement from the Post Office at just 28 years of age, Jimmy has not moved from the sumptuously appointed beach hut he built himself all those decades ago. In his seclusion, he has devoted himself entirely to scaling the heights and plunging the depths of philosophical contemplations and exploration.

Naturally, the great and the good have sought his counsel and over the years Mohandas Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, the great Billy Spargo himself and a host of other luminaries have taken the well-trodden path to his door.

The Duke of Cornwall, Seine Königliche Hoheit Karl von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha together with his old flame and new wife Kamillentee, and accompanied by his interpreter Matthias Wolfenbüttel, even has a regular monthly meeting with Jimmy to seek his advice on matters as diverse as architecture, growing cabbages as well as the royal predilection for wearing skirts.

So successful has Jimmy been in counselling on this delicate matter that Karl is now happy to be seen wearing his skirts in public. This newly found freedom has done wonders for the royal marriage, as can be seen from the accompanying happy snap.

The Roundup has visited Jimmy in his hut – or ‘hutment’ as he prefers to call it - to seek his views on the matters of the day. The Sage is pictured on the left wearing the typically cheerful and friendly mien, which reflects the still oceans of inner calm within. For those who do not know him, the Sage speaks only in verse.

Roundup: Your Eminence, do you have any comment on the recent political goings-on in the neighbouring UK?

Jago: The sky grows dark, as does the sea
‘T’is the black black influence of the BNP.
Led by a gryphon and followed by mules
The Bleddy Nazi Party are dangerous fools.

Roundup: Thank you for that insight, Your Holiness. Do you have any comment on the shenanigans in Westminster?

Jago: Drunk on power, but blind with fear
Gordon’s end is very near.
MPs feast on lush expenses
Too far now for mending fences.
London’s power now drains anew
To Edinburgh, Cardiff and Truro too.
Relubbus now will seize the day
And lead the world in Spargo’s way!

At this point, the penetrating pungent smell of home-made goat and nettle soup began wafting in from the cavernous kitchens at the back of the hut, indicating that it was time for the great man’s daily meal.

Bowing low, we reversed from the presence with repeated outpourings of grateful thanks and emerged, much refreshed, once more in the world of ordinary man.



Following refurbishment of the Pope’s Vatican apartments, his old toilet and seat (with Papal insignia) are available for sale to the public by auction at Polkinghorne’s in Boswedden Lane.

The sale will include 13 and a half rolls of UNUSED papal toilet paper. Reserve price of £7,500 will apply.


Breeder of 'elephant' giant dormice offers top quality manure from ‘his little boys’. Delivered by the ton. St Buryan 456723

14,500 remaindered copies of “Knocking on doors” by Hazel Blears. £5 for job lot. Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123

Jacqui Smith’s husband’s entire DVD film collection bundled together for just £25 (NOT FOR SALE TO MINORS!!) –includes the Peruvian classic “And afterwards, you can even eat the guinea pig!!Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123

Entire hardback print run of Gordon Brown’s “Loosen up and live a little” – all 10,000 signed by the author – available for just £3.75 the lot. Wakfer’s of New Bridge 349123

Genuine Cornish ‘Landshark’ motor car to be made available for private sale.

Features include lino floor and driver’s seat in black plastique, windable driver’s window provides air conditioning; rear seat toilet bucket with handle for easy removal ; stool for front passenger with ‘hold-on’ straps for added security; ‘Lid’ cover for boot with completely new piece of string to secure your transportables. Features the classic one stroke engine permitting speeds in excess of 13 mph!!! A true collector’s item and appropriately priced at £44,535. Morvah 567 892

Complete set of left-handed paint brushes 0nly £75 – would suit ginger-haired homosexual living in Tregeseal or, possibly, Newbridge. Paul 678 432

22 year old unpleasant rude little tart with weight control problem, now working at the Morvah pet shop, but can’t wait to get away from the owner, Mr Pubes. Desperate for new career path in either old people care or prostitution. Heamoor 982 345

Vintage (1950s) pram for sale at just £700. Has been completely refurbished and updated for security. Razor blades embedded all around the edges to discourage baby-snatchers. Electrified handles, so rubber gloves (extra at £16.50) are essential. Gurnards Head 456 795

Ladies' Bodice (size 34) in pink and black leatherette. Never been washed and with bitemarks skilfully concealed by invisible mending. Casual stains are a work of unconscious art. Ludgvan 563923