Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By Dr Dristan Behenna (109)
Professor Emeritus of Contemporary Music at the Relubbus Conservatoire

It is a particular pleasure for me to be asked by the Relubbus press to keep my finger on the pulse of young people’s music. I like youth and its fresh skin, so unlike the dry papery material that clothes my own poor, tired body.

I do remember going to the lavatory in 2005 and, held up by my faithful nurse (Fidgewick, a dear man, despite the leg iron), I directed a weak, and much interrupted, stream of urine into the bowl for what seemed like hours, but which was, in fact, no more than 37 minutes. I remember that moment of achievement as though it were yesterday, but Fidgewick tells me that it was three years ago!

Fidgewick wheels me out to the Relubbus Vinyl Music store twice a week and it is there that I meet the young bloods, who tell me what is all the rage and play their music as loud as they can directly into my ear trumpet, so that I can pick up something of the rhythm.

It once came through so loud and clear one fine summer evening two years ago that I almost lost my blanket with the excitement of it all. Oh the joy! as Lionel’s young hot-blooded hands came near my tired trousers to restore the blanket – my body knew that it would have achieved an erection (O sweet but very distant memories!) had it been just a few decades younger!

But enough of my musings – back to the music of the young people. I can tell you that, here and now, in Relubbus in November 2008:

Skiffle’s all the rage in Boswedden Lane!!

Chas and Mark Sharatt

Little known fact about Mark (on guitar) is that he has absolutely no willy.

However, this does not hold him back in the girl stakes. 76% of females describe Mark as their "ideal man".

Alex Whitehouse, Guitar; John Paul (obscured), Bass; Chas; Marc Sharratt, Washboard; Dennis Carter, Guitar
John Paul is, of course, obscured because of the frightening appearance of this aggressively naturist musician. His unorthodox plucking style seems to excite merely amazement and no outrage. "How does he DO that?" is particularly a question one hears from the envious young men in the audience.

Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers with Billie Anthony & Chas.

This enchanting photo captures the moment when the grand-daughter of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader, Billy Spargo, Wendy Spargo, was photographed with the group.

It captures the unspoilt seconds before Wendy ("Windy Wendy") had one of her unfortunate 'accidents' because of the excitement of it all.

Some of the titles sound so daring and exciting – I am surprised that they haven’t yet been banned. Even I have heard of the strict demands of the Methodist fundamentalists ("Drinkon’, dancon’, singon’ – work o’ the dev'l!").

The titles of what is known as the ‘Top Ten’ are as follows:

1) Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?

2) Don’t tell me you forgot to put the cat out

3) I want to work on the buses when I grow up

4) I think that these socks could do a with a wash

5) I left my trousers in the garden hut

6) Did I tell you that I am wearing dentures?

7) I want to share my duffle coat with you

8) I love you almost as much as I love CND

9) I think that those shoes could do with a polish

10) I think that Granpa’s wet himself again

Finally, a picture of some of the young things (average age 24) dancing wildly to No.6.

Even my nose is telling me that I need to be changed now. “Fidgewick, my dear man, you can soon take that peg off your nose, we are heading home for 'changies'."