Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By Newlyn correspondent Horton Tregarthen

Following recent lengthy discussions on the subject within the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), it has now come to light that the National Trust no longer wishes to pursue the idea of a Bluewater-style development on St. Michael's Mount. Apparently, it is felt that such a development would not, after all, be in keeping with the conservation aims of the Trust.

Some might, therefore, find it surprising that the Trust has decided to grant Reynolds Homes on Wheels permission to site some 20,000 caravans on the Mount. The Director General of the National Trust, ex pin-up model and page three girl, voluptuous Fiona Reynolds, was not available for comment when the Roundup attempted to discuss the subject in a reversed charges call.

However, when one door closes, another often opens and that has indeed been the case with the "Bluewater" development. In a surprise move, the Wherrytown Urban Council, under the inspired leadership of His Excellency the very Reverend Lord Beachfield, has offered the Bluewater management a site at Newlyn Green. Given the comparative shortage of parking around what is now known as the boating pool, some might doubt the chances of success for an 80 megastore development in the area. However, Lord Beachfield himself, when questioned on the subject, dismissed such observations with an angry wave of the hand: "There's plenty of parking for 30,000 cars up Chywoone Hill -- open your eyes, man!"

Lord Beachfield's secretary, Mr Donnington Rowe, who himself lives up Chywoone hill, amplified his Lordship's comments by explaining that the boating pool will be drained to enable the erection of a substantial 18-storey car park there. Whilst some locals have spoken out against the possibility of any such substantial erection in the area, it would seem that the majority are unmoved by the news, whilst a few, notably Mrs Agnes Daniel (94), positively welcome the idea.

The plans are at an advanced stage. The picture on the left shows the boating pool and nearby houses -- all of which will disappear before September of this year as foundations are laid for the car park.

The picture on the right shows the design of the new shoppers' bridge that will span the current main road, which will be flooded to the sea. In fact the sea between here and Newlyn harbour will be contained behind a new 200-metre-high sea wall, creating a lake. The megastores will be sited in the 'lake' and shoppers will journey from one destination to the next via gondola, therby creating a neat little sideline for Newlyn fishermen.

The considerable cost of this development -- believed to amount to something the wrong side of £500 million -- will be borne by Wherrytown rate payers, until retailers can be persuaded to come in to rent the premises.

Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo has indicated that her Uncle Billy (leader of the GRUC) is not a happy man at present. Having favoured the Bluewater-style development of St Michael's Mount, he now feels somewhat cheated by "that bleddy NT", whose plans for the caravanisation of the Mount seem to be merely copying and potentially spoiling GRUC's plans for the caravanisation of Mount Relubbus. He is further angered by "they buggers at Wherrytown and that stiuck-up arse 'ole Beachfield", who have lured the retail development around to their side of Mounts Bay.

An interesting situation will present itself tomorrow evening when guests of honour at the Sunday service of the Alexandra Road Methodist Chapel (just opposite Penzance's first lesbian B&B) will be none other than Lord Beachfield and Billy Spargo. Watch this space!


By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka
'Odgo Semmens (79) the celebrated Cornish poet and author of the now globally renowned and treasured poem I Aren't, has, under considerable public pressure from the crowds besieging his home in Colinsey Road, Penzance, released a further work, Walking in West Penwith, which seems set to seal his reputation as one of the greatest living poets in Colinsey Road.

Walking in West Penwith

Las' Sunday we went walking, ovver to Lamorna bay.
From the top o' Mousel we set out, a glorious sunshine day.
The smell of heather in the air, the glass-green sea below -
It's jes' this sort of beauty that sets my heart aglow.

Las' Tuesday we went walkin', up the back of Gulval 'ill:
You get a good view of the Mount and bay - I can see it still.
Chysauster's ancient magic will never pass away,
You can hear their talk and laughter - hear it to this day.

Las' Wen'sday we went walkin, ovver to the Logan Rock:
We sat there drinkin' in the scene an''ad a snooze an' talk.
Perched high atop the granite cliffs, with sand beach far below,
You watch the distant dance of waves, that make their ebb and flow.

All the walks around this place are paths that lead through time.
And if you are a Cornishman, you hear an inner chime...

'An it's tellin' you "You're 'ome, boy, you're 'ome!"


Office Solutions from Trembath Office Equipment, Crows an Wra

Trembath Office Equipment has become internationally renowned for its inventive use of space in office planning. Our world-beating design team has recently applied its creative zeal to solving the problems of staff time lost in toilet visits -- as well as making best use of space hitherto only used for toilet visits.

The Solution? The Trembath Office Toilet Workstation! Separate toilet blocks are scrapped! Now everyone sits and works on a Trembath toilet, fully equipped with workstation, telephone, and, of course, with a toilet roll. There is also a swing-out table for eating one's lunch 'al desko'. There is now no need to leave one's desk/seat/toilet. You come into work, make yourself comfy and settle down to the tasks of the day uninterrupted by the irksome need to leave your desk to go to the loo. All your business can be accomplished in one place!

The Trembath Office Toilet Workstation is a mere snip at £987.99.

1. Air freshener dispensers are extra at £104.99.
2. 'Hot desking' is probably not an option.
3. Male and female staff will need to 'get seated' separately (Note that curtains drop during the seating process and, again, at the end of the day.) Trembath thinks of everything!!!!


Ben Godrevy-Baragwanath (known as BGB), the mysterious 64-year-old Cornish recluse and inventor, who over the years has confounded the public with the brilliance of his inventions and the outlandishness of his eccentricity, has once more hit the headlines.

Pictured on the left is BGB's holiday home in plush Kisutu Street in far-off Dar es Salaam. This traditional Tanzanian abode is a conscious tribute to local building techniques. However, we are also assured that the habitation lacks for nothing in terms of western standards of comfort, since it benefits from not just one, but two lean-tos, ingeniously set at some distance from one another so that simultaneous occupation will not result in any noisy embarrassments that might deter either occupant from prosecuting the business in hand.

What has mystified BGB-watchers for some time is just how he manages to appear waving before the webcam next to his Tanzanian residence before popping up only minutes later in front of his mansion in fashionable Boswedden Lane in Relubbus.

Now we can reveal the almost unbelievable solution to this puzzle. BGB has explained to the Roundup that he is COMMUTING between Dar es Salaam and Relubbus, using a dematerialisation and materialisation device, which he calls his "Redar", "cos I duh use'n t' get from Relubbus to Dar es Salaam an' back!"

BGB is shown here on the left, wearing a part of the outfit that enables him to "disappear" from one place and "appear" in the other.

Known to the Relubbus and world public as an incredible inventor (he devised, for instance, slug-writing* and grey-squirrel chess**, to name but two of his peculiar, yet fascinating, offerings to the world), he now seems to have surpassed himself by inventing a technology which could put all of the world's airlines out of business overnight. However, the scientific genius has in this, as on previous occasions, absolutely no interest in the business exploitation of his stunning invention.

*Slug-writing involves hypnotising slugs and giving them a secret message, which then emerges slowly in their silver getaway trail.
** The now hugely popular grey-squirrel chess involves the use of "neutralised" and suitably decorated live squirrels as chess pieces, which are then vaporised, instead of removed, in the course of play.
Is a Laundry career the right one for you?

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