Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


There is widespread alarm at the recent outbreak of hostilities between Piskies and Hobgoblins in Heamoor. Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (98) was quoted only last year as saying that the Pisky problem had been brought under control and that no one had anything to fear from the activities of the ‘little people’ again. Key to the achievement of this agreement was the GRUC undertaking that Goblins would not be allowed into Cornwall.

However, this has sadly proven not to be the case. Goblins have somehow found their way in. Rural dwellers in West Penwith have become all too aware of a steady increase in Goblin incursions in recent months. Their presence is betrayed by screechily high pitch curses in the dead of night, pilfering, attacks on pets, tampering with water and frequent bad smells. They have been drawn here by Cornwall’s mild climate and ancient traditions of faery lore. (Yes, that’s ‘faery’, not ‘fairy’, Nigel).

Native Piskies have been with us always. Some say that they were here before us and will be here after we have gone. They usually grow to a height of between 2ft 6 ins and 3 ft tall, although in the 16th century the noted giant Piskey, Taroveor Menheniot, grew to the great height of 4 ft 3 ins.

Piskey folk tend to keep themselves to themselves and do not take to mixing much with us humans. They can choose to be helpful to us, but just as often and easily, they can choose to caggle up our activities for pure mischief’s sake. When they do talk to us, it is always in the broadest St Buryan accent or in Kernewek.

Goblins, on the other hand, are not indigenous to Cornwall. They are bigger (growing to 4 ft 6 ins), look very ugly and have foul manners and habits. They are lazy, they steal, they get very high on dandelion juice, they delight in making bad smells (which is a form of making music for them), and they take enormous pleasure in disrupting human life.

They are competing with our native Piskies for territory.

Cambron Trembath, (52) the Chairman of the Relubbus Society for the Promotion of Responsible Interactions with Cornish Piskies (RSPRICK) said this could be just like the sad story of the squirrel. “Years ago, we used to ‘ave they neat little red squirrels ‘ere, till they bleddy American greys moved in!” He advocates strong action against Goblins to preserve the way of life of the Cornish Piskey.

On Saturday, at the Relubbus Central Square, just off Boswedden Lane, there will be a mass rally in support of our native Piskies and crowds of around 50,000 to 60,000 are expected to gather.

Billy Spargo is expected to address the crowds and, since he is no stranger to controversy, it is widely rumoured that he is prepared to authorise the release to the Piskies of tankerloads of "turnick an’ rhubarb juice". Innocuous to humans and Piskies alike, the mixture is deadly to Goblins. This radical measure will drive out the Goblins in hours.

Having heard of Spargo’s rumoured intentions, ‘English’ Gordon, the UK Prime Minister, speaking, bejacketed but tieless, from his holiday bunker in Suffolk declared that “the human rights issues in the matter needed to be ventilated”.

Spargo’s response? “If that asshole spent ten minutes in a room with a Goblin, he’d knaw it wadden't human and the room would need bleddy ventilatin!!”


LOOK!! Just seven experiences for you in West Cornwall, which you will find nowhere else!!!!!

AZTECLAND at Carn Brea!!

The Aztecs had a fascinating civilisation, before it was well nigh obliterated by the dastardly cruel marauding Spaniards. Now YOU have the chance to sample something of the magnificent Aztec way of life by visiting AZTECLAND at Carn Brea.

Music and dance was hugely important for the Aztecs. Everyone took part in dances performed especially for the gods, including peasants, so we’ll be giving you a chance at that too.

An Aztec 'orchestra' was usually made of different types of rattles and different types of drums. Specific Aztec instruments were used for specific things. The trumpet sounded long, deep notes while the percussion created hypnotic rhythms. The big temple drums could be heard for several kilometers. Their wind instruments included pan pipes, whistles, and flutes. It was only the priests who had mastered the art of releasing trapped wind with such ferocity that the ‘blast’ could last for anything up to 4 minutes and blow everything out of its path!!

Picture on the left portrays happy visitor, who has learnt that she will be a "Priest for the Day".

The musical experience is a key part of the AZTECLAND experience. You will be allotted a place in a ‘real Aztec orchestra and, by the end of the day, you will be able to play your part in a full scale musical performance which takes place before the daily grand religious ceremony at sundown

Religion was hugely important to the Aztecs, as was sacrifice. When you pay to enter Aztecland, you are given a numbered pebble. Depending upon the number on the pebble, you will then play the part of either a priest (5 are needed and they will have to pass the wind test)) or a sacrificial victim (500 are needed).

If chosen as a priest, you will be guided by our friendly Aztec helpers throughout the complicated business of mass execution. If you are selected as a sacrificial victim, our friendly helpers will give you handy hints (such as holding your breath) which will help you bear the excruciating pain of having your still-beating heart torn from your chest.

Your death experience will be recorded on DVD for your family’s benefit and that is all included in the unbelievably cheap price of only £134.99 plus VAT (family discounts available at only £135.99 plus VAT per person!!)


This is a special opportunity available to the curious who would like to know a little more about flagellation, but are too shy to ask.

A 2 day course on “Carry your FLAGE with confidence” is available to true devotees of the gentle art.

Formula 1 Chief Execs are eligible for a discount, if they submit their applications to Helga in German! Others must pay the price - £75 per day.

Gulval Churchtown GIANT TORTOISE ‘Appreciation’ Society

You don’t need to be ashamed anymore. There are other people who get excited by this photo. In the Cricketer’s Arms at Gulval, you can relax over a beer – or two - and discuss your little weakness and then repair to a shed for a dreamily close encounter of a Giant Tortoise kind – all for a daily fee of just £245.99 plus VAT.

The Long Rock ‘NAME THAT SMELL’ Experience

Enrol for a five day course and emerge just 9 days later as a veritable expert in smells of every kind.

You will be tutored by Long Rock’s “Mr Smell” and winner of the 1973 Goldsithney Open Petard Competition, Matthew Trembath, pictured here helping to acquaint new course members with their own smell, using the renowned ‘sniff your armpit method’.

The "Name that Smell" experience costs an amazingly low £1.76 per day.

The Crows an Wra CREATIVE WRITING Holiday course

Led by extremely promising, but as yet sadly unpublished, author, Den Pender, this course will show you how to achieve fame and fortune as a writer.

It is unashamedly pricey – at £5,000 per day for 10 days – but you must ask yourself, whether you can really put a price on talent such as that of Shakespeare.

The answer is, of course, that you cannot and so you need to flock, with the other countless thousands, to Pender’s opulently appointed caravan for tuition.


A holiday is a time to discover your inner self. When you go looking, you never quite know what you will find. That is true of Wendy Angwin, who discovered that she has a “thing” with pigs.

There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Wendy now caters for the holidaying public. She has 6 shelters for pig-friendly folk, who would like to spend a night or more cuddling up toa pig.

You can select your own pig – she has two males and three females and a male pig of different orientation called Ben. Hourly sessions are available for as little as £55 Plus VAT. The ever popular 'All nighters' can be yours for as little as £798 plus VAT.


You must remember that you will have to tell everyone that you heard it here first – Excremental Painting.

It is the new thing and no-one is better able to explain it to you than Geoffrey Arsehole, who is the primary exponent of the new painting style, which is taking Newlyn by storm.

The surprising thing is that all the students seem to select the same subject (The Lady on the left)– it is as if there were no better subject for this manner of painting.

You can enrol now for a surprisingly low £5.65 per day (including two!! daily curries to generate the painting material) and Arsehole will share his secrets with you.