Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


David Ben-Haligon, the noted, and often controversial, 48-year-old Marazion-based Cornish/Jewish polymath and entrepreneur, has released his latest range of 'unbelievable but true' gadgets designed to make everyday life easier.

Ben-Haligon, who declares, "I put the Zion back into Marazion!" is an indefatigable inventor as well as a champion of Cornish/Jewish rights.

Readers will recall Ben-Haligon's past claims that the Cornish are the lost tribe of Israel.  He dismisses as wishful mythmaking the traditional story that it was mobile Phonetian seafarers, who first came to these shores to trade for tin.

Ben-Haligon insists that it was his own forefathers (led by the legendary clotted cream maker Shlomo Ben-Haligon) who came to Kernow 2,700 years ago, bent on seeking a new market for Kosher Clotted Cream.

So charmed were they by the sheer beauty of the place that many of them decided to stay for good, seamlessly integrating with the local community.   This version of events forms the foundation of his assertion that the Cornish are truly the lost tribe of Israel.  "We were not lost yet, we just moved house already!"

In some quarters, Ben-Haligon is regarded as unacceptably right wing for this belief that the Cornish border should be redrawn at a line from Honiton to Barnstaple in order to reclaim the lost ancestral land of the East Bank of Kernow.
Much of his fabled wealth is spent on seeking to shore up political support to this end.  "Kernow once spread up to Bristol, but I would be happy with the Honiton/Barnstaple line."

However, the multimillionaire entrepreneur was in the news this week for entirely different reasons.  At his showcase Marazion store, the Gadget Shop, he brought to market his latest offerings yesterday before an excited crowd of over 17 people.

His first new gadget is the 'Great Weight Watch'.  This watch not only tells you the time, but also announces your weight at half hourly intervals at a volume equivalent to that of a railway station announcement.

The gadget is intended to assist those seeking to lose weight by shaming them into action.  The announcements can be made in either metric or imperial weights and, should the weight keep going up, can be preceeded by a friendly but firm call of "Hey, Fattie!".

This triumph of technology is available to the public at a knock-down price of only £4,567.

Bert Trembath (19) of Boscathnoe was one of the first customers to stump up the required money.
Weighing in at a trim 32 stone, Bert was keen to 'lose a few poun' in time for his first dream holiday in Cowboyland, Texas - 'otherwise they said they'll aff to freight me out!'

The second invention on offer today is one which is expected to bring in many millions of pounds of revenue to the Marazion magnate.
Ben-Haligon's 'Mazal Tov Thought Glasses' are an ingenious device, which not only improve sight to 20 20 vision, but which also enable the wearer to read the thoughts of those around him/her.

Whilst, at £24,000 each, they do not come cheap, the high price tag has not deterred potential customers.

Advance orders totalling £7,500,000 have already been received from governments and businesses around the world.  Says Ben-Haligon, "It is the end of the lie already!  With the Mazal Tov on your head, all lies are dead!"

The third and final offering from the House of Ben-Haligon is the 'Oy Vey Migraine Hat'.  The inventor believes that migraine can be dispelled by wearing a device on the head, which both purifies the air and which delivers a soothing all-over head massage.

Migraine sufferes are recommended to wear the hat for one day out of seven to keep migraine at bay and to put on the hat immediately at the onset of a migraine attack.

It comes complete with portable 12 volt battery and oxygen tank at only £65.  As Ben-Haligon declares "Oy Vey just takes your migraine away!"