Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Treloar’s COC (Cornish One-man Car) is part of the answer to Climate Change!

The fertile mind of Sidney Treloar (35), Perranuthnoe farmer and part-time scientist and engineer has been wrestling with the urgent need to address the challenge of Climate Change and he decided to take on the challenge of transport.

Having camped out on the A30 for several days observing the nature of the constant traffic flow, Treloar was struck by the number of cars that contained only one person - the driver.

I waz camped out there fer three days and I couldn’ bleeve it. 85% of the cars that went past only ‘ad the driver innun, he declared in his breathless soprano. He concluded that needless metal, needless seats, needless fuel was all simply going to waste.

It was then that he had his brilliant idea of designing the COC, the Cornish One-man Car. The COC is a compact one seater that uses petrol, but achieves a miraculous 159 miles to the gallon and moves from 0 to 60 mph in just three minutes.

It comes complete with a strap-on umbrella hat for rainy weather and – before you object that it is no good for the family – you can attach carriages to the back so that you can carry up to five people.

Having designed the prototype, Treloar has now secured the backing of W G Trevaskis (103), the famous multi-billionaire businessman and philanthropist. Trevaskis is building a plant at Long Rock, which will produce 1,500 COCs each week. The new cars are expected to be marketed at a bargain price of just £750 each. It is expected that this low price will attract buyers not only from Relubbus but from around the world.

Win a COC for free!!!!!

Yes, it’s true, you could be the proud owner of one of these new COC cars for free!!!. Just phone the magic number 0845 48195298* and answer this simple question. Who designed the COC?

A Sidney Treloar

B Leonardo da Vinci

C Henry VIII

*Calls cost £14 per minute with 50% of proceeds going to the Trevaskis Foundation for Fallen Women In Ludgvan


People seeking people

Renée Dunk (53) is a traffic warden from Marazion, but she is also a very special person, because she has recently won the fabulous £3.49 prize that goes with the title of Relubbus Equestrian Tennis Champion 2009. Can you spot the tennis racket in this photo?

Rene – as she prefers to be known – is the only person known to play tennis on horseback in the whole of Relubbus. She is wondering if there is a young man out there who would like to play with her? Reply to Roundup Box 1

Bernice, a wild girl (63) from Nancledra wants a strong man to tame her. Will you be my Hercules?

Although currently confined to home waiting for two hip replacements and one knee, she is still feisty and hungry for love.

Bernice likes going in on the bus to Penzance, but would love a romantic weekend for two in Relubbus "with the right man with all 'is bits workin'". Roundup Box 2

Hetty (aged somewhere between 21 and 74), lives in a bedsit in Morrab Road, Penzance. She has conquered deafness to become a viola soloist (in her own room).

She works in the Prom KWOP and is addicted to logic puzzles and nicotine. Likes body metal and is into controlled pain – for others.

Seeks young men who are willing to serve. Roundup Box 3

Neville (31) a farmhand from Botallack seeks a woman to share his varied interests. He has become something of an expert in cross-stitch and is the current West Penwith (West) gooseberry growing champion, having produced a whopper of 8 inches circumference, which he will be happy to show you.

He has a bicycle chain collection of 749 pieces from around the world and which contains one piece dating back to 1915. They need to be washed and greased every day. Neville is looking for the right lady to help him and, as he says, Hey, and whilst our hands are greasy,….. Roundup Box 4

Vladimir is a man with a problem. He has a charming wife and two children and leads a busy life as a Prime Minister running a large country in Eastern Europe, the name of which he would like to keep quiet. However, over the years, he has come to realise that he has been living a lie, as some of his publicity photos have revealed.

Increasingly, he wishes to show - and share - his feminine side – with an understanding male. After consulting (at great expense) a medium – Mrs Bathsheba Liddicoat (95) – whilst on incognito holiday in the People’s Republic of Hayle, he has come to realise that he desperately needs to occasionally leave the hustle and bustle of public life and cuddle up in West Cornwall with a real man, who would take care of me”.

Vladimir would like to hear from a rugged accountant working anywhere the right side of Camborne (i.e. west of it), who lives alone, has a strong aroma, and who also likes to play knife games. Roundup Box 5

Goods and Services

Singer serenader(s) for that special occasion!! If it’s important, ‘say it with a song’, be it a 109th birthday; making a marriage proposal; wanting to give Dad a good final send-off. We can provide the perfect mood music for any event . Choose any one or combination of Horace Melly (81 and baritone), Gladys Tink (79 and soprano) and Joseph Art (49 and castrato). £3.50 an hour for one voice, £6.50 for two and £8.50 for all three. A further £5 will secure performance in underwear and £10 for a completely nude show. (NB Wheelchair access is required for Mr Melly). St Buryan 402764

Exotic cheeses for Christmas. You can make cheese from any sort of milk and no one knows that better than Doris Daniel (87). She lovingly creates her unusual cheeses from rat, yak, dog, pig, skunk and her very own cat’s milk. All varieties available at just £75 per pound. But remember, it is special and you will never eat any thing like it again!! Goldsithney 57291

Yes, you can be gay at Christmas!! Full range of LBGT-themed wallpaper, serviettes, toilet paper and paper hats!! Available from the Bent Gnome at Crowlas. 673021

Beat the winter cold with solar-powered heated slippers – just £250 the pair from Tregears at Mousehole. Just leave them in the sun for a summer and they will keep your feet warm as toast for 15 minutes at least!! Mousehole 693722

Novel Calor gas room fragrancer. What is it? Well, a wooden frame supports a bowl into which the perfume of your choice is poured, then the calor gas is lit and you have a room fragrancer that will be the envy of your friends!! Only £97.99 from Polwhele and Polwhele of Porthgwarra 529134 (NB you must supply your own bowl, fragrance and calor gas.)

Avalaff Promotions offer the new funtime diversion for smokers at Christmas – Gelignite Surprise. The cigarette box looks like normal No.6, but one of the ciggies is a stick of gelignite – just look at their faces when that goes off!! Long Rock 672013

Remaindered Arthur Scargill Fairy Tale Cassette Tapes. Yes, pack of cassette tapes featuring Arthur Scargill reading all your favourite fairy tales, but with a Socialist twist - just 49 pence a set!!. Free Scargill Wig with every pack, so that you can look like your hero! From People’s Republic of Hayle Socialist Funshop on Hayle 543981