Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Grand Councillor Billy Spargo of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) (pictured left) has once again negotiated a phenomenal trade deal for the benefit of Relubbus and Cornwall in general.

The idiosyncratically scented 107 year old GRUC leader has been holding secret negotiations with Mr Hu Jintao, the sprightly young 68 year old former Hayle take-away assistant manager and now Paramount Leader of the People's Republic of China, in a private room at the Fountain Inn at Newbridge.

International commentators have cynically suggested  that wily Spargo had deliberately selected the Fountain to host the secret talks so that Mr Hu would fall under the bewitching spell of the legendarily pulchritudinous landlady of the said pub.

Regardless of his motive in choosing this venue, there is  no doubt as to the stupendous outcome of the talks.  The intense 5 day negotiations continued day and night without a break  and were only interrupted when the landlady walked in with fresh pasties and beer, at which point Mr Hu ceased talking and stared in drop-jawed silence at the vision of beauty bringing in the much-needed sustenance.

  After "5 long days of 'ard talkin'", the pair emerged blinking into the rainy daylight and announced the conclusion of a landmark trade deal, which will have major repercussions in both China and Cornwall.

The Chinese have won the right to build 3,500 Chinese restaurants throughout Cornwall.  The chain will be called "The Big Wong" and will come under the inspired leadership of Beizhing-appointed supremo Mr Fu Manchu.

Mr Manchu will be based at a caravan in Prospidnick, which has been generously donated by Mr Spargo himself for just a small annual rent of £50,000.

An excited Mr Manchu, who has not been let out of China before, said, "I got all da big ideas, wot make Chinee restaurant velly good. We take out advertising on Radio Cornwall, wot say ,"It wight to come to Wong!"

The primary result of the tough negotiations with Mr Hu Jintao is that every Chinese person must eat one imported Cornish pasty every week.  Smiling confidently, Mr Spargo stated that this would give a significant boost to the Cornish pasty industry, requiring it to produce around 1.3 billion pasties per week.

Cornwall has also won the right to open, using generous Chinese state aid,  a 'Proper Job' Cornish Pasty shop in every Chinese town with a population above 500.  In a concession to local pronounciation, the chain will be known as 'Plopper Job'.

Mr Hu was overjoyed at the success of the deal.  At the press conference held in the soggy rain in the pub courtyard, he invited Mr Spargo to attend the opening of the Grand Chinese Expo in Shanghai.

Mr Spargo replied that the invitation was a great honour.  He also stated that his busy diary would sadly not permit him to attend.

On the Monday, he had to "g'wup Treliske to see the doc' 'bout my leg."

On the Tuesday, he was due in Marazion to see his fancy lady on the sly and to open a new Scout hut.

On the Wednesday, he had his rehearsals with the Relubbus Centenarian Black and White Minstrels.

On the Thursday,  he had to open a Particle Physics Conference in Richmond Methodist Church Sunday School.

On the Friday, he was due "ovver Noolin fer the annual Gay fishermen's nude banquet".

Visibly impressed with Mr Spargo's busy schedule, Mr Hu Jintao accepted that it would be some time before Mr Spargo could make it over to China.

Then, waving his farewell, he stepped into the Nippy Cab, generously part-paid for by the State of Relubbus, which whisked him away to Penzance Railway Station, so that he could commence his long journey back home.