Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


The Roundup is proud to be able to present the first sneak photograph of Belgian auto designer Willy Bender's design concept car for the gay market, which has been named the Pink Landshark in honour of the famed leading champion of Gay Rights in Cornwall, the otherwise shy and retiring Landshark.

Known to the cognoscenti as an incorrigible habitué of the Goldsithney gay bar scene, the Landshark is an outspoken and indefatigable defender of gay rights. Accordingly, many Goldsithney gays applaud the fact that his dedication to the gay scene has been recognised and honoured by the naming this car after him.

Some have wondered why this fearless protagonist and celebrant of same sex relationships has adopted the unusual name "Landshark". It is indeed a name resonant with meaning. The online dictionary defines as a "landshark" one who swindles sailors on shore. But all the many sailors who are familiar with the "Landshark" have assured that he always reliably gives good value.

No, his name has another provenance. Laughing in the face of prejudice, which sees homosexuality as a "deviation" from the norm, the Landshark wears his name with unabashed, and indeed gay, pride, since for him the "deviation" is as great as it could be and he wishes to trumpet that fact, for when did anyone ever see a shark living on land?

Even in today's world, there are still benighted individuals -- as darkly dim and as rabidly anti-homosexual as the absurdly named, but thankfully late, L. Ron Hubbard -- who would deny gay people equal rights. It is a little known fact that the "L" in L. Ron Hubbard in fact signifies "Landshark" (and not "Lafayette" as some foolish folk believe) -- a little jest on Mother Hubbard's part, perhaps. The Cornish Landshark takes Hubbard's name and turns it against him in his triumphantly gay lifestyle, spiced up with recreational drugs.

All this has now won him the accolade of a Bender car designed in his honour.

Mr Bender's car incorporates many novel design features -- we name but a few:

  • The bodywork is fashioned from stretched bubble gum, making the car exceedingly light.
  • The vehicle has no standard brakes -- it is operated by pedals, which propel the car forwards. Reverse pedalling swiftly brings the car to a halt.
  • All seats have pedals below them so that maximum speeds (38 mph?) can be reached when the car is full and there are five pedallers.
  • The absence of engine makes this pink machine in reality also a green machine.
The Bender car will be presented to the Landshark outside his favourite bar in Goldsithney -- the Over Backwards -- next Tuesday at 7.00 pm.


Available in May! Win one here!

The renowned Cornish automotive engineering firm of Trevaskis, which is now operating out of a secret location in one of the garages (we're not saying which one!) behind Penponds Close in Alverton, Penzance, has teamed up with world famous Liechtenstein auto designer, Rudi Stümpfli, to produce the long-awaited Trevaskis Landshark Mark II.

Roundup Readers besieged us when we recently had an offer on for the world-beating Trevaskis Landshark. It is therefore a matter of pride and joy that we can offer ONE of these much sought after Trevaskis Landshark Mark II mean machines to the winner of a draw. To be eligible for the draw, you must answer the questions below correctly.

As these are hand-crafted machines, it is not likely that many more than 10 will ever be built. Eager readers hoping to get their hands on a Landshark are advised to get in quick!

The prototype featured in the picture above, taken in the Kwop car park in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, has technical specifications that will make the competition weep.

For instance, air conditioning is achieved by cunningly placed gaps in the car's body. At speeds in excess of 180 mph, air flows in and is run past ice cubes (to be placed in the car on hot days), which cool the air down to a deliciously refreshing froideur, which you can enjoy whilst other motorists are roasting. For particularly hot days, the main air intake (on the bonnet) will hold one bucket of ice. The doors take one half bucket of ice each and, if you want to keep your shopping cool in hot weather, you can tip a few buckets of ice into the capacious boot, which is big enough to hold one full shopping bag in addition to the ice. However, it is not just the ice which makes this a cool machine!

The car is fully automatic, having just the one gear. Tested going down Chywoone hill in Newlyn, it achieved speeds in excess of 21 mph. Driving off the summit of the Zugspitze in Germany, in the hands of reliable test driver 85-year-old Takazumi "Kamikaze Ken" Watanabe, it achieved amazing speeds in excess of 100 mph in the rapid descent.

Two windscreen wipers are fitted as standard, as is a water pistol for cleaning the windscreen. In a novel departure from standard automobile construction, there are no windows on the driver's side of the car. This dramatically increases the sensation of speed and dispenses with the need for wasteful sensors to detect temperature and external conditions, as the driver will be well aware of them.

Owners are at liberty to add carpeting to the car to enhance the feel of luxury, if they wish, though the generous cardboarding of the floor area prevents most moisture from entering the car, making the wearing of protective leggings redundant.

The Landshark will be on sale in May in both Relubbus and Liechtenstein. Each hand-built machine will cost only £57,555. However, one of these prized road machines will go -- for free -- to the winner of the draw from names of those who submit correct answers [in valid format**] to the following questions:

1. What is the highest registered downhill speed of the Landshark?

2. What was the name of the valiant test driver, who sacrificed his life testing the Landshark on the Zugspitze descent ?

3. How old was he?

4. What is the retail price of the Landshark?

Send your answers, together with your name and address and a stamped addressed envelope, to the Roundup, c/o the Swordfish Inn, Newlyn. Entries must be accompanied by a 10,000 word poem entitled "I want to get my hands on that bleddy Landshark because..."

** Entries are valid only if accompanied by £5,000 in used notes.

By Literary Editor Emily Bindweed

Arseangel, by Robert Harris

The much-anticipated follow-up to Archangel, Arseangel tells the story of Fanny Sprot, a Victorian prostitute who specialises in buttock fetishists. Beautifully written, clearly extensively researched, and recommended to all bum fanciers!

Children's Books

The Naughty Golliwog Returns, by Enid Blyton

More racist fun from Ms Blyton, as the crinkle-haired villain abducts and rapes the pure English Rose doll. But don't worry, redneck Big Ears is on the case! Recommended reading for 16 - 18 year olds.