Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear



Zennor Polglaze (32) is a shy retiring young man who has only once previously and unintentionally stepped into the glaze of public view, when he was arrested 12 years ago for "irregularities" involving a hedgehog, which sadly did not survive the ordeal.

Putting this sorry incident behind him, "Prickles" Polglaze, as he later came to be known, moved on to become one of the greatest time theorists the world has ever known.

Pictured on the left, Prickles might seem to some to be an unprepossessing character, but behind those eyes lurks a brain that sees connections to which other mortals are blind.

In short, Prickles believes that every event that ever happened -- anywhere -- has been "recorded" by the environment in which it occurred.

"Fine", some people scoffed, "but show me your proof". It was then that Prickles began his work on the Chronocamera or time camera. This picks up images from the past.

Prickles' mother lives in a old fisherman's cottage in Newlyn. By leaving his camera on in his mother's front room, the following image materialised of a long-departed inhabitant of the cottage, now identified as one Tresco Botallack, who died in 1864 at the age of 35.

Scientists and historians alike are amazed at the astounding breakthrough that Prickles has made, and now Cornish linguists too are getting excited at the prospect of Prickles' next great step forward, which is to be the Chrono-video camera. This will be able to record events and conversations from the past, enabling linguists to hear spoken mother-tongue Cornish from 300 years ago for the first time.

Prickles has explained that his researches have cost him considerable sums of money and that he cannot conceive of releasing further photos and certainly not videos until he has received "a large sum" from the County Council. He is expecting a sum to be "the right side of £84 and no council tax for the rest of his life". Councillors are said to be considering the matter.

Cornish linguists are said to be "champing at the bit" to hear Cornish spoken by native speakers from years ago.
Keep up with the internet!!

Are you living in the past? Do you think that those who talk of the Internet are specialist fishermen? Are "Facebook" and "Myspace" foreign terms to you?

If so, then come to the "Face of he Future" talks at the Young Methodist Women's meetings on Thursday nights at Parade Street Methodist Chapel, to listen to Gladys Polwhele, who styles herself as "one o' they internet gurus".

Gladys is, as pictured on the left at the Penzance switchboard, at the forefront of modern technology, and will explain all the intricacies of the modern computer world, starting with the telephone -- a truly marvellous device, which enables you, with the greatest of ease, to speak to people who are out of earshot -- or even further away.

Gladys is a daring damsel of the 21st century, who is fully at home with all these new-fangled devices. Having been "on the board" in Penzance for a good number of years, she even claims to have been able to listen into conversations between the one-time Premier, Harold Wilson, and his secretary -- some say paramour -- Lady Forkbender in the days when he spent his summers on the Scilly Islands.

Gladys -- who still works on the switchboard in Penzance, all by herself -- has nevertheless moved on to embrace the full palette of technological advances and is able to give enlightened tutorials on a range of complex subjects, including when to press button A or B in call boxes, and who and where the operator is in any West Cornish situation (always her, as she is the only operator in an otherwise fully automated exchange).

However, sensationally and latterly, she is also able to give guidance on matters such as the Internet "an all they gobbledegook subjecks".

If you are seeking technological enlightenment, come along to see Gladys Polwhele at Parade Street Methodist Church on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.00pm. Entrance £79, cash only.


By Cultural and Dublin Correspondent Dean Swift

At a press conference at its South West headquarters in Bristol yesterday, English Heritage proudly unveiled the new logo and flag to be used at its sites throughout Cornwall.

Press Officer Ms Zara Windsor was at pains to point out that the new logo and flag would be used only at EH's Cornish sites. They were, she said, emblematic of the special relationship that EH has with Cornwall and the Cornish people.

The new logo, shown on the left, is designed to reflect the prime aims of English Heritage in Cornwall, as set out by government statute. These are:

  • To contribute to the Anglicanisation of Cornwall
  • To reinforce the achievements of the educational syllabus in denying Cornish children a knowledge of their history
  • To demonstrate the ignorance and petty imperialism of London-based English politicians
  • By suggesting that English history and Cornish history are synonymous, to disguise the colonization of Cornwall, the historical massacres of Cornish civilians, and the suppression of the Cornish language
  • To airbrush the Cornish out of history
Ms Windsor said that the new logo, combining a schematic representation of the red-and-white English flag with the traditional symbol of racial superiority, perfectly encapsulated what English Heritage sought to achieve in Cornwall.

The picture below shows the new flag being flown at Chysauster Iron Age village, which was occupied by Celtic people between about 100 B.C. and 300 A.D.

The new English Heritage flag flying at Chysauster

Editorial, by THE THUNDERER

Spot on, EH!
Editor Sylvanus Penhaul applauds English Heritage's frankness

The new English Heritage logo (solely for use in Cornwall) is a masterpiece of early 21st century design, effortlessly portraying at a glance EH's true remit for Cornwall.

Cornish folk have long complained of their Celtic and pre-Celtic historical sites being appropriated by a body representing English heritage, beneath a banner based on the red-and-white "butcher's apron" of England.

Up to now, EH have denied that a problem exists -- dismissing protestors as cranks, feigning not to understand their arguments, and on occasion causing them to be prosecuted, fined, and threatened with imprisonment.

Now at last EH have come clean: the cultural imperialism is plain for all to see. Their frankness, at least, is to be applauded.