Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


by Fashion Editor Morwenna Behenna

Modeled here by the Roundup's sub-sub-editor and part-time supermodel, man-about-town Parsley Trebilcock, is the latest thing in men's all-weather couture.

In hard-wearing polyprocrastinatilene, this unique apparel is designed to keep the wearer dry over many years of reliable service.

  • With integrated hood and buttons!
  • All one-piece!
  • Reusable!
  • Portable!
  • Practical!
  • Economic!
Complete with instructions (in Italian).
For a limited time only, this item is available -- exlusively from the R.C. Oates superstore at Crowlas, or online at www.oatesripoffs.com -- at the special promotional price of $899.99. But hurry! Stocks are limited!
Note: In order to prevent damage, care should be taken when fastening/unfastening the buttons. Also, this garment is not designed to be worn in bed.



Mr Antelope Telegraph (89) wishes it to be known that he will henceforth be known as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

Mr Telegraph, who was never married, thought it a dreadful shame that he had never acquired his “own little woman”. He therefore decided that he would undergo the necessary surgery to become a woman so that he could style himself as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

After successful application of the RC Oates Home Surgery Kit, a cheery Mrs Agnes Telegraph (ex Mr Antelope Telegraph) declaresWell, at least it has cured my prostate problems!


Mr and Mrs Eric Quigley of Ponsandane are pleased to announce the seduction of their daughter, Alice (18) , by multi-billionnaire businessman and philanthropist, Mr W G Trevaskis (58) of Relubbus.

The seduction took pace at the Quigley family home and was filmed by a triumphant Mr Quigley who had “rigged up the front room with lots of cameras”.

Beside herself with joy, an excited Mrs Quigley said “She bin after ‘ee ever since she got a job up ‘is shop. We’re sum proud of our maid!”


The Reverend Sigmund Portcullis (72) hereby issues an adamant refutation of tales recounted by the malicious and irresponsible to the effect that he had anything whatever to do with the ‘goings-on’ at the Penlee Park Gentlemen’s toilets at 7.30 pm last Tuesday evening.

He explains that he was merely out for a bracing stroll, when he was caught short, necessitating a visit to the toilets nearby. The fact that he shot off, when the police arrived, should not be interpreted as an indication of guilt. Furthermore, the fact that, in his hurry to leave, he had left his trousers behind was a natural consequence of his increasing forgetfulness.


PC Geoffrey ‘Ollis (29) (of Camborne) is pleased to announce to the public that he has just celebrated a civil partnership ceremony with Roger “Deirdre” Penscab (42). The Devon and Cornwall Police have - weeks ago - given up their anti-gay policies and practices and are delighted to have the opportunity of supporting Geoffrey and Roger (a car mechanic from Long Rock) in their marriage.

Geoffrey saysThey’ve been ever so nice to we. Paid fer the photographer and they’re gunna give we a nice police ‘ouse to live in too. Sarge even cumeer and give me and Rog a kiss!”

So that’s a pink thumbs up to the Devon and Cornwall Police!