Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Olympic gold medal hero Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14), so recently lionised as the winner of the ‘Floating’ competition at the Beijing Olympics, is at the centre of a sensational drugs-and-sex scandal that threatens to cut short his brief but spectacular career (writes undercover investigative correspondent Dave Seedy).

Only weeks after being idolised by the vast crowds lining Boswedden Lane during the victorious Relubbus Olympic team's open-top bus tour of the city, Nudd has been caught in flagrante with an Atlantic grey seal, a bottle-nosed dolphin, a porbeagle, and a basking shark in the Olympic-sized swimming pool at the home of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader Billy Spargo. It is not known whether Mr Spargo was present at the time, and he was not available for comment yesterday.

According to shocked eye-witnesses, a kind of "feeding frenzy" seemed to be taking place in the pool. Nudd, who consumes 400 pasties a day in training and cannot stand unaided, was at the centre of the frenzy, but a vast amount of fish was consumed by all the participants.

"'Zobvious t' me, they wuz all on drugs", said Mr Spargo's gardener, Bednego Tonkin.

There have also been allegations of inappropriate sexual activity involving Nudd, the seal and the dolphin, though the Roundup cannot substantiate the truth of this. Worse still for Nudd's reputation, the dolphin is apparently a male animal and the seal may be under-age! It is said to have "absconded" from the Children's Touch Pool at the Mevagissey Sea Life Centre on Sunday.

The Relubbus Olympic Committee meet on Wednesday to decide which of its rules, if any, Nudd has broken, and what action to take against him. The Roundup will keep you posted, but at the moment it looks as if Nudd's meteoric athletic career could be over.


Women seeking Men

Female Traffic Warden (36), single and desperate to meet man to have children before time clock runs out. Freckles and flat feet, but not yet (quite) clinically obese. Sunny disposition and loves Kettle Crisps. Needs to meet a man who won’t mind the smell. Phone Belinda Hicks on Hayle 67456.

Cuddly Funeral Home Receptionist with one eye (the other is lovingly carved by her father from Helford Passage Oak) (26) from Camborne would like to meet man of her dreams: he is over 5 ft 6 ins tall, has a well preserved Ford Anglia, knows a bit about DIY (but will still need me, if you know what I mean!) has only occasionally visited prostitutes and knows how to take proper care of budgies (I have thirty!). I can offer a mean "beans on toast", as well as… well, you come and find out. Phone Avril Behenna on Halsetown 561.

Retired bookkeeper from Botallack (67), has lived quiet life at home with mother, who has just passed on at the age of 93. Was always brought up to save myself for the right man – "Now mother’s gone, I can look for him. Are you he?". Ideally seeking man of Congregationalist background (former Boys' Brigade?, perhaps, but not homo-so-exual). Keywords for me are "warm underwear", "cocoa", "slugs", and "droppings". Is this you? Phone Trish Acne on Sancreed 423.

Teacher of Religious Knowledge and Halsetown’s champion knitter (1982) seeks understanding male who will not be put off by bladder difficulties. I am happy to meet a man who is seriously overweight, as I am myself a size 32. Up for all sexual adventures not involving difficult positions, unless you have one o’ they special cranes. Phone Chris Myfanwy Fanny on Crowlas 510.

Men seeking women

Kolin Klemo (32), a Kernewek Kemmyn aficionado, currently works at a fish and chip shop in Hayle, but firmly believes that he is cut out for mega-earnings in Asian equity sales, when securities become big in either Hayle or Lelant. He firmly expects to be trading in his Reliant Robin (no engine or wheels) for a Maserati in the near future.

If you are a local girl (preferably a real goer like Linda Penrose) who fancies the Maserati life, then please join the queue outside Highlane Fish and Chips, Hayle, at 9.30 pm next Tuesday, when Kolin will be interviewing, weather permitting.

Denzil Trevains (26), a constructor of wooden Ipods and trombonist in the Pendeen Silver band, seeks understanding matron to help him with his flagellant condition. Denzil needs to be beaten every day and, if you will wear sandals and paint your toenails pink, he will not mind what you look like or what sex you are. Phone Denzil at the Mortuary, extension 3.

Celebrity note: Denzil is a nephew of legendary West Penwith busker, the late (and scarcely-lamented) "Banjo" Trevains.

Craig Wakfer (29) is an almost reformed chicken-botherer (he prefers the term "coop-fan") from Heamoor, who thinks no one should take his "condition" seriously. Arrested four years ago for his pursuit of an innocent (in the opinion of the owner) Cornish game hen called Clucky, Craig now dismisses Clucky as "nothing but a bleddy cocktease!".

Craig has now turned his back on the chicken coop and is looking firmly towards the world of women for his next sexual adventures. Ask for Craig at HMP Boscathnoe. He is due for release in 6 weeks.

Others seeking Others

Lonesome Toilet Repair Operative (30s) without any experience beyond self-manipulation wonders what "it" would be like. "Chris" says only that he lives "west of Truro" and alone "without comforts". Chris has never – ever – seriously harmed anyone on purpose, so you needn’t worry on that score! If you, like Chris, are seriously turned on by smells, then phone 01736 365419 (a public phone box) between 6.30 pm and 6.35 pm any weekday evening.