Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Report on the Eurovision Song Contest by Cultural Correspondent, Gissa Tune

STOP PRESS, Saturday 24th May, 4:30 p.m.: Relubbus's success in the contest is now virtually assured, after it was confirmed earlier today that almost all of the members of the Union of Kernow States, including Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, intend to vote for Relubbus. The only notable exception is the People's Republic of Hayle (with which, of course, Relubbus is currently at war). The Relubbus camp are confident that the massive power of the Kernow bloc will comfortably outweigh the other voting blocs from Scandinavia, Eastern Europe, and the Balkans.

The world hunkers down in preparation to celebrate one of the greatest cultural events of the year in the Eurovision Song Contest. Nowhere is this feast of song more eagerly awaited than in Relubbus, which, because of its acknowledged deep reservoir of talent, is unique in being allowed three entries to the contest.

The Roundup has decided to take a peek behind the rehearsal curtains (at the Relubbus Scout Hut) and take a closer look at the three privileged acts, to whom falls the inestimable honour of representing Relubbus.

First up under the microscope is the undoubted shining talent of retired postman and musical maestro, Dickie Berhardinus Botheras (79). Dickie is a favourite amongst the glitterati of Relubbus high society and is a regular performer much in demand at the Relubbus Conservatoire.

Some might deem him an unusual highbrow choice for the more populist Eurovision contest, particularly as he will be offering no vocals at all. Instead he will rely on his faithful old saw and provide stirring music for the soul in another of his famous solo peformances.

Dickie is getting quite excited about his first Eurovision contest and has been receiving special attention for his bladder weakness so that he is not let down on the night. Nerves apart, he is confident of doing well and, clutching a brand-new saw from B&Q, declared "'S in the bag, boy!"

A surprise weapon in the Relubbus arsenal for this year's assault on the Eurovision is an entry from Denzil 'Alice' Liddicoat (51), the only male member of the Relubbus Lesbian Speed Crochet group.

Alice, as he likes to be known, is a fully qualified plasterer and decorator and is believed to be the only person in Relubbus to have taken the full three month yodelling course run by Dirk Bumgartner in Vaduz, Liechtenstein in preparation for the contest.

The authorities have given Alice their full backing by letting her off her Community Service sentence for long enough to attend the course
. High Court Judge Lentil Tregenza commented "It will be good for Denzil and it will be good for Relubbus".

Music Aficionados believe that Alice's natural falsetto voice will set her up well for the yodelling song she intends to perform. An own composition, the song is entitled "Yodelaity" and contains a moving text, which tells the story of an unlikely but passionate love affair between a dubiosexual plasterer and Joanna Lumley.

Without doubt, the runaway leaders in the trio of Relubbus acts to take on Eurovision is the award-winning duo of Bert Clemo (39) on squeezebox and Dan Jago (62) on guitar.

After a lifetime of jamming in clubs all around Relubbus to the delight of their devoted following, the couple finally turned professional last autumn, both handing in their notice at the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus, creating two vacancies in the fruit and veg section.

Since then, they have enjoyed phenomenal success, with each new record release going straight to the top of the singles charts. With a close eye to what has proved successful in Eurovision in the past, they have set their own new lyrics to the tune of "Going up Camborne 'Ill" in an attempt to win over the European public.

For those familiar with the tune, we provide the first verse of the lyrics so that you can sing along:

Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum

In trials in Liechtenstein, the easy text of the song has been found to make it a great Euro singalong favourite and so the boys' hopes are high. You will soon have a chance to judge for yourself.

The night before the Eurovision, you will be able to hear the song on Simon Cowheel's "Relubbus Has Got Talent" Show, as the boys perform, accompanied by the Mousehole Nonagenarian Near-Nude Female Zimmer and Dance Troupe.

Relubbus looks forward to welcoming you within its borders in the not too distant future.

Every visitor to Relubbus before the end of June will receive a free Cornish pasty !

The Roundup's articles over the past year will educate you about Relubbus and its glorious history. It has, for instance, a surviving colony from Roman times, which is still Latin-speaking! Just one of the many, many amazing facts about Relubbus, which has embassies all over Europe! Look here to find the Roundup's report on YOUR Embassy in Relubbus!


The Roundup reveals the shocking truth about English plans for Cornwall
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner

Following a recent Roundup report about the use of English Heritage as a tool for the Anglicisation of the Cornish, this newspaper has succeeded in obtaining details of a secret and shocking plan to eradicate Cornwall as we know it.

It is our duty to publish details of this dastardly plan. It will doubtless raise the fear temperature in Kernow to levels never reached before. It should also cause every right-thinking Cornish person to stand up and resist this looming evil, which is already well upon us.

The plan -- known in UK Government circles as Marina -- sees the indigenous Cornish gradually moved out by force of economic migration. The origins of the plan can be traced back many years to an unlikely collaboration between Winston Churchill and Sir Billy Butlin, in an objective called Holiday Camp Cornwall. In the original plan, the Cornish were merely to be turned into workers in England's largest holiday camp, in order to provide some dim lights of gaiety in gloomy 1950s Britain.

During the Thatcher years, this plan -- as did many others -- took on dark and sinister characteristics in the clammy, dead-hand grip of the funereally-smiling Home Secretary, Michael Howard, shown left.

Project Marina -- represented on his desk by a little fishing boat called Kernow, which he often fondled whilst hatching his chilling plans for the Cornish and others -- contains a number of key objectives.

The attainment of these goals has been consistently pursued by the upper echelons of the English Civil service and each of their political masters ever since. They are:

1) Tax breaks will be offered to people in the South East, earning more than £250,000 a year, who wish to buy a house in Cornwall for occasional holiday use only. No stamp duty will apply in such cases and purchasers will be able to offset the entire purchase against income tax.

2) The impact of point 1 will make it even more difficult for the Cornish to buy homes in their own land. As more and more homes are given over to occasional use, the necessary infrastructure to support local life (schools and medical services) will collapse. This will drive the Cornish out to the re-settlement areas in the brownfield sites of former industrial Northern England, which await them and the rest of the poor not fit to live in the South.

3) Social Housing will remain for some of the Cornish, since some menials will be required to service the needs of the rich, who will make infrequent, but loving, use of our land.

4) All Cornish names should gradually be replaced by full-blooded English names, such as Smallhampton for Truro and Holyhead instead of the alien-sounding "Penzance", so that English people can feel more at home. At the very end of the process, the name "Cornwall" should itself be replaced by the English-sounding West Wessex.

That is Project Marina. Already, all over Cornwall there are signs of development projects that are designed to benefit -- not the indigenous Cornish -- but those who are destined to take their place in West Wessex.

One such development project is that for the marina complex in the former Penlee Quarry between Newlyn and Mousehole, which will house yachts costing hundreds of thousands of pounds and offer dwellings (for part-time use, of course) at similarly high prices.

Clearly such amenities are not for the locals, who earn on average £13,000 annually, if they are lucky. This is just one of many projects designed to take Cornwall from its people, like taking a mother from her baby, and offer it to those who can pay, just like offering that mother to those who can pay.

The Roundup cornered the Press Officer of the Government Office of the South West, Mr Heinrich Zap-Kernow, as he made his way to Madam Zarah Strict for his weekly therapy visit. He tried to calm growing Cornish fears about loss of identity and indeed of homeland.

Mr Zap-Kernow, who only recently changed his name from Zap-Poland in an attempt to please the Cornish, stated that:

"The people of Cornwall, or West Wessex as it will shortly be known, have no need to fear the loss of their homeland, since, in the future, literally anyone with the necessary funds (income of £250,000 or disposable assets of £1 million) will be able to purchase a home in Cornwall -- and even live in it all year round, if they can tear themselves away from London and Waitrose for long enough. Quite frankly I can't see what all the fuss is about."

The Roundup feels that it is high time that the Cornish realise what is happening to Cornwall. Be alert, watch closely, analyse the changing elements, sharpen your wits and tongue, and speak out for Cornwall!