Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Madron “Piskey” Polglaze, the quirky but hugely talented designer (34) has wrong-footed fashion houses around the world with his latest 'Emperor' creations, which have taken the fashion world by storm.

They have also, for various reasons, given rise to controversy on the famed catwalks of St Buryan and Boswedden Lane in Relubbus.

The diminutive design king may just be 3 ft 7 inches tall, but his career accomplishments leave him towering over aspiring competition such as that from Versace, Calvin Klein and Tommy Whitehorn.

However, the latest grand launch from this fearless fashionista has left the competition numbed and without response.

Polglaze, who prides himself on the use of natural materials in his designs, has hit upon a means of fashioning clothing from onions. The method of preparation is laborious in the extreme.

Firstly, an onion is peeled into its many (often as many as 400!) separate layers. Using an electron microscope, each layer is then sliced into extremely thin strips. The strips are then woven together to produce a thread, from which -- finally -- the clothes are fashioned.

Typically of this - in his own words - 'charismatic and caring' character, he has farmed out this intricate work to thousands of workers in far-off Bangladesh, ”so that others can benefit from this clothing boom”.

Amazingly, Polglaze can create a dress out of just three onions, although it takes just short of a million man hours to manufacture the fabric for one dress. Whilst the raw material is therefore extremely cheap (all onions are sourced from West Penwith), the labour costs are potentially enormous (in Bangladeshi terms).

However, Polglaze hit upon the brilliant idea of avoiding the huge cost of millions of man hours by offering the work instead to Bangladeshi children, who can do the work “for some useful pocket money”, when they are not in school or out playing.

He dismisses all charges of child exploitation by saying that it is just like doing a paper round in Cornwall.

Critics counter this with the accusation that there is a great deal of difference between a half-hour paper round and a 20-hour working day every day, dealing with almost invisible strands of onion.

Polglaze has been summoned to appear before the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s Ethics Committee chaired by no less than the Council Chairman himself, Billy Spargo (101) to answer this accusation.

Meanwhile on the catwalk itself, there is no less controversy. So thin is the hugely expensive fabric that it appears that the models are almost naked, as shown in the picture on the left.

As top St Buryan model, Lavinia Liddicoat (23) said "I 'ad to 'ave danger money to wear they bleddy dresses - people could see my knickers an all!! So we got double money - £3.50 an hour - otherwise I would'n never 'ave done it!"

Despite their invisibility and flimsiness, these dresses do not come cheap – with the cheapest dress set to retail at £45,999!!

Aggie Andrewartha (96) the President of the Ludgvan branch of the Lesbian Dinner Ladies Association said “At they bleddy prices, e’ll be lucky to sell any round ‘ere!! Pity really, the fabric is so thin, at least it duh make you look slimmer!”

Aggie's Association, which has 35,000 members, has enormous clout in the West Cornish haute couture market.

Polglaze may well have economic ruin ahead of him -- quite apart from the ignominy of a roasting before Spargo's much-feared Committee.

The Roundup will report further.


As the winter winds lose their bite and the days grow longer, the snowdrops give way to daffodils and gradually thoughts turn to spring and to ... Eurovision.

The Roundup proudly presents a review of the main contestants for this prestigious European prize and reveals that the customary vote-rigging is well under way and is so far advanced that the eventual winner can already be announced.

But first things first – the contestants. We review the principal contenders for the title in this year’s unique contest, in which everyone has to sing their own lyrics to the same tune – “Goin' up Camborne ‘Ill" - played by the Marazion massed triangle band. Each contestant is shown with the lyrics he/she has chosen.


Heartthrob Alternative Health Practitioner, Philippe Knabberknackers (24) ‘walked’ the selection process in Belgium.

Despite not even bothering to turn up for the contest, as he had had a few bevvies too many the night before, Philippe won ten of the thirteen votes cast to ‘walk away’ with the Belgian nomination.

As can be seen from the photo, he has now thrown all his energies into coming up with a winning interpretation of his song.

His fan base extends beyond Belgium, because of his appearance in ‘special interest films’ and he appears to have a solid supporter base in the Baltic States and in other former republics of the former USSR.

Lyrics: Who kicked the budgie into my soup?


Dace (formerly Valdis) Vanags (18) was a man for the first forty-three of her years. After several operations at the Riga Veterinary Hospital, she emerged as a mouth-wateringly beautiful 18 year old girl with – still – an amazing bass voice!

In her former existence as Valdis, she was an experienced and highly capable stevedore. Now she has emerged as a beauty therapist, who is able to serenade her female clients in a rich deep bass voice that seems beguilingly out of character with the lissome female creature one sees before one.

Lyrics: Old Man River, Dat old man River


Mademoiselle Frou-Frou Lebecque (formerly Mimi Letoucque) (23) received a vote of 83 million (out of a population of 61.5 million) to steal the French nomination, despite there being no other contestants.

Frou-frou is wildly popular with the whole of the French public – apart from Carla Bruni, the new wife of French President Nicholas Teacosy.

Bruni is aid to have been very upset to have found a full length picture of Frou Frou in President Teacosy’s shower room.

Lyrics: Camptown Races


Although being a fair distance by aeroplane from Europe, Israel has traditionally been allowed to take part in Eurovision for many reasons, which are, of course, obvious to anyone from Tel Aviv.

Shlomo ben David (29) has been selected from 20,000 contestants to represent the Israeli republic.

Shlomo is a New Zealander, but, as he converted to Judaism last month and received an Israeli passport last week, he is now able to represent both countries, as he announces with his customary wayward smile.

Lyrics: Don’t Dilly Dally (My Old man said "Follow the Van")


The Cheeky Girls, Bella Ragazza and her cousin, Pasta Verde, are both 17 and delighted to represent their country.

As Bella gushingly and fluently declared, “Issa wonderful, Ciao, Grazie, Prego! I luvva you!”

Both girls attend the Italia Disconti Stage school, where they spend 2 hours a day learning to speak English “Likeaa they do inna Eastenders, allrighta maita!”, said Pasta showing off.

They also focus a great deal on song, dance and theatre skills. Amazingly, the girls will be singing their song whilst performing an “Inverted Irish Dance” - i.e. on their hands!

Lyrics: There’s an Old Mill By the Stream


The schoolgirl troupe selected by the Swedes (called "They Swedish maids") is tipped as a hot favourite to win the contest. They are believed to have secured financial backing from two well known Cornish business magnates – the fabulously rich Messrs Trevaskis and Oates – which has enabled them to buy their eye-catchingly snazzy costumes, the skirts of which they rip off midway through the song in Mexican wave style.

In return for the generous backing (believed to be in excess of £7.50 each!), the girls have, of course, signed over all profits they may ever make in their lives and have committed to appear every night for the next ten years at the Relubbus Hippodrome.

Lyrics: Hitler, 'e only 'ad one ball!!


The People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Hayle is represented by three young folk, who work at the experimental Hayle Nuclear Power Station – they are from left to right Norris, Doris and Boris and sing together under the name “Endebee”.

The trio, all 19 years old, have caused some controversy by inserting words which sound like embargo Spargo!” into their song.

This has given rise to renewed frictions in the already frayed diplomatic relations between Relubbus, led by 108-year-old Council Chairman Spargo, and the People’s Republic of Hayle, led by failed comb-over victim and mad dictator Ventongimps (49).

Lyrics: Kiss me goodnight, Sergeant-Major


The runaway absolute favourite for the contest is the 16-year-old, 16 stone singing prodigy from Prospidnick, known to his Mum as git plum boy and known to his huge Relubbus fan base as ‘Gunna Singunaree’.

His off-stage name is Leonard Landshark and young Landshark has, despite his young years, already twice topped the Relubbus charts with his versions of Do ye ken John Peel and My Boy Willie, both of which sold over ten copies in only 12 weeks.

Young Landshark has huge stage presence (and a huge frame) and seems to exert a magnetic pull over his audiences, even when they number more than 14.

Landshark’s voice is breaking and it may just be the sheer unpredictability of his sound that is the secret of his success. Bookies have stopped taking bets on Landshark, because he is now commonly regarded as a sure-fire winner.

Experts feel that his highly-rated chances might be related to the fact that, alone amongst the contestants, his lyrics do fit the music.

Lyrics: Goin’ up Camborne ‘Ill

The Roundup will be following the further development of this story for the benefit of the thousands of our readers around the world who 'live for Eurovision'.