Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By Motoring Correspondent Horton Tregarthen

In these days of ever-rising petrol prices, RC Oates Automotive Industries are proud to announce new models that will save you money!

First up is the hand-powered motorbike, shown below. This truly innovative invention is reputed to do 32,578 miles to the gallon, although this figure may well be an under-estimate, since in tests so far the petrol has never needed to be replaced!

RC Oates' hand-powered motorbike

For business users, we have the ground-breaking battery-powered truck, shown below. This too promises enormous savings in fuel costs. Although the initial cost of the battery is high, at £3,999,999.99, the battery is rechargeable (via a supplied hand-crank), and is expected to pay for itself in a short period of time.
RC Oates' battery-powered truck
A perceived drawback of the battery-powered truck is the relative lack of storage space for goods, due to most of the rear of the truck being occupied by the battery itself. However, in a design masterstroke, this has been compensated for by additional storage space (allocated from the driver's sleeping quarters) in the cab.

The new vehicles will be manufactured at RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant in the People's Republic of Hayle, shown below. Among industry experts, this plant is widely acknowledged to be second in sophistication only to the robot-controlled Trevaskis Motors' factory situated in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance.

RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant at Hayle


Relubbus Central Veterinary Hospital has been thrilled by the achievements of its very latest "patient".

'Colenso' (pictured here on the left) is a representative of a very rare Cornish breed of dog, the Sancreed Sloucher, which is typified by very thin legs and a very large head. The Sloucher is believed to be the descendant of those ancient Celtic war hounds that so terrified the Roman legionaries.

However, in Colenso's case the characteristics are extremely strongly pronounced, giving him an enormous head (5 feet in diameter) and painfully thin legs, which are barely capable of supporting his head, which accounts for 8 of his 9 stone in weight.

In fact, it was his difficulty in keeping his head up that brought him into hospital in the first place. The problem was solved by putting his head in a cushioned and supportive little frame on wheels.

Doctor Horton Bolitho, director of the hospital, said "Little Colenso has won over all the nurses with his cute and winsome ways. Once you get over the imbalance between head and body, he begins to look very cute. Also, the fearsome characteristics which so worried the Romans have been bred out of the breed over the centuries.

However, the most miraculous thing that we have discovered about little Colenso is that he is capable of speech. His very large head has given him a voicebox capable of human-like speech and a significant brain, which has enabled him to understand human speech and to use it himself".

Astounded nurses came across Colenso reciting rhyming couplets to himself when he thought no one was listening.

After several weeks the Roundup was admitted to the hospital and allowed to interview Colenso, who spoke as follows:

"Actually I am quite pissed off about that bugger Bolitho saying that I have got a big head. I mean -- have you seen the size of his big bonce??!! Its a bit of a bleddy cheek! I insist that, if you print a picture of me, you also print a picture of that bighead Bolitho!!""

Never wishing to mislead or disappoint, we print here on the left a picture of Dr Bolitho, who, we do have to admit, does possess a head which is far larger than can be considered normal.

Indeed, he seems to be cranially super-charged, but, unlike Colenso, does not appear to be compensated by an unusually high intelligence.

Colenso, who has quickly learnt to read since entering hospital, has most recently taken to wearing a bow tie and has become a keen crossword solver, able to complete the Times crossword in under four minutes.

Now that he has got some sensible support for his head, Colenso is thinking of leaving hospital and getting a job. Rather fancying Fiona Bruce, Colenso would like to become her newscasting partner and believes that, as the world's only talking dog, he must have an excellent chance of success.

Before leaving for London to apply for a job alongside Fiona -- for whom he could woof all night long! -- he will be appearing "in conversation" at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Monday and Tuesday evenings. Tickets are available from £95 each.