SHOCK REVELATION ABOUT DUCHY'S GOLDEN COUPLE

Starstruck followers of Relubbus high society have long been used to tales about the extravagant lifestyle of the 'golden couple' - Bert 'Len' Harvey from Towednack and Lily Nicholls from Perrannuthnoe.

As our readers will be well aware, Len prides himself on never having done an honest day's work in his life.  He has passed his time contentedly trolling around the Duchy of  Cornwall - sometimes in fancy costumes - obtaining freebies wherever he can.  He has been most successful at it.  In fact, he has turned cadging off the Duchy into a fine art form.

He is shown here, together with a bewildered Lily who can't find her roll-ups, in a snap taken at Penzance railway station, where he has just spotted the rent man coming towards him to try - unsuccessfully - to collect the 55 years rent owing on the luxury accommodation he shares with Lily in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

So famous has the couple become that no society event in Cornwall is now complete without an appearance from the 'Colinsey Kickback Kids'. 

Now, however, a new and unexpected light has been shone onto the so-called Duke and Duchess of Cornwall.

Following a heavy night out drinking with the girls at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, Lily let slip, after her eighteenth port and lemon, that she has never had carnal relations with Len.  Instead, she related, it is her reclusive twin sister, Filly, who lives in a nearby field, who has been the recipient of Len's earnestly amorous attentions.

Apparently, Len is unable to tell the two girls apart.  The Roundup has managed to obtain a rare family photo of the two girls together.  When you look at it, you can appreciate Len's problem.

If you are still struggling, Lily is the one on the right.

SHOCK FOR MOUSEHOLE BUSINESSMAN

Tommy Tregarthen (49) is a man who has made it big in fish.  Over 33 years he has built up a wet fish empire, which has grown to one shop in Mousehole AND a delivery van.

Tommy is a popular man in Mousehole.  Apart from fish, his interests are rhododendrons, pickled turnips, yodelling and conkers.

Tommy is also known to be something of a ladies' man.  One person very much of that opinion is his estranged wife. 

Nancy (41) is a senior stylist at Shelley's of St Just and Paris and she is also still exceedingly bitter about their separation and her failure to get a judge to agree that she should be entitled to receive half of Tommy's delivery van.

It was with some surprise that the Roundup received an invitation to visit the Tregarthen family home in Mousehole.  Nancy lives in the house and Tommy lives in a caravan in the drive, in which he occasionally receives lady visitors, which stirs Nancy's jealousy and anger to ever new heights.

When we arrived at the home, Nancy positioned our photographer and then summoned Tommy to come inside the house.

As soon as he had crossed the threshold,  she launched a ritual verbal attack - with a new and one-off twist.

"You bleddy basterd!  You 'ad that li'll tart, Kylie Pierce, in the caravan las' night, didnee?  Bleddy fool, you don't knaw where she been.  It'll be all ovver the Kwop by lunchtime.  Well, neow, I gotta surprise fer you, my cock!!"

Drawing herself up to her full four foot one inch (for they are both people of restricted growth), she then declared with great glee, "Well, my bird, don't gwout lookin' fer yer van today!  'Es my luvver, idn there namore! 'Es , I parked 'n' up somewhere special far ee, my 'ansome!" 

At the mention of his beloved Austin A35 van, he blenched in fear of what news might follow, for he strongly sensed that the news might not be good.

Fixing him with an intense stare, which sought to drain his very life force and savouring this moment of pay-back time, Nancy then administered the killer blow.  "'Es Cappen, I parked 'n' up sum proper far ee this time. [Dramatic Pause] I pushed 'n' ovver th' edge o' Mousehole Pier!"

This was the moment captured by our ace photographer, Dougie Pengelly.

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Do you require a not-so-decorative slattern with a particularly foul mouth?

Lucy Trevanion (27) an unsuccessful trainee streetwalker from Botallack, where business is extremely slack at present, is seeking new employment.

Her ideal job would be operating the mangle in Penzance laundry, which she would find rewarding and fun.  She claims to have come third in the 2008 Apprentice series and syas that she is accordingly passionate about business.

Lucy can be contacted only by post - addressed to Lucy Trevanion, Botallack.

MORGAWR HERALDS AUSPICIOUS YEAR FOR CORNWALLl!!

The Morgawr has been sighted off Lands End and also at various points around Falmouth all this week.

Throughout Cornish history sightings of this fabled Cornish sea monster (pictured here in one of the earliest photographs from 1573) have always betokened auspicious events for the land of Kernow.

In particular, sightings of the so-called 'bespectacled Morgawr', which can grow up to 200 feet in length, are said to portend good things for the state of Relubbus.

This is perhaps just as well since 2011 is already shaping up to be an interesting year in which Relubbus begins to punch its full weight on the international stage.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (129) is back from his Christmas break, spent as usual in his luxury caravan (pictured) with his mother at Long Rock.

Fully relaxed after a week uninterrupted by international political considerations, he is now set on deploying the full economic and military might of Relubbus for the betterment of other nations.

First up in his sights is Russian Prime Minister and would-be gay pin-up, Vladimir Putin, whose crude old-style KGB bullying has blighted and stunted the post-Soviet development of Russia.

Putin is a crude crowbar autocrat, who curiously publishes semi-nude pictures of himself in a vain attempt to appeal to the members of the gay S&M scene of which he is so fond.

Putin has now drawn the opprobrium of all civilised nations for his Stalinist show trials of innocent mega-multibillionnaire Mikhail Khordokovsky, whose only crime was his refusal to bend before Putin.

Before being led back to his icy cell in Siberia, a defiant Khordokovsky called out that you can only get on in today's Russia if you are one of Putin's benders.

Spargo's first bold lightning strike was to expel all 295 Russian diplomats from Relubbus, to close down the embassy and to have the embassy site (pictured) bulldozed and turned into a mini-golf course for kiddies.

The dazed Russian diplomats were packed into Western National buses yesterday morning en route to Porthleven, where rowing boats awaited them for the long pull back to the port of St Petersburg.  The journey will take a little longer than normal as all the oars were removed from the boats.

The new mini-golf course was opened this morning by singing star, Roy Orbison.

In Moscow, a fleet of Ford Anglia Tenerifes whisked the 8 Relubbus diplomats away from Moscow and over the Finnish border before the Russians knew what was happening.

In a special move to punish Putin where it would hurt most, Spargo has also placed a Cornish travel embargo on the Putins.

The Russian Prime Minister and his wife Brian have a secret holiday dacha (now confiscated) in Toltuff Road, Penzance and like nothing better than to breeze up and down Market Jew Street, before entering their beloved Simpsons of Penzance, which has kitted them both out ever since Putin has had access to hard currency.

Spargo's second big international initiative is to announce that he has given the go ahead for the construction of a huge wooden bridge between Relubbus and Britanny.  This bold construction project will create the largest road and rail bridge in the world.  A photo of a much scaled down prototype is shown on the left.

In each direction there will be a 12 lane motorway  and four rail tracks.

At 10 mile intervals, there will be a motorway service island, each providing rest and retail opportunities for up to 10,000 cars and their occupants.  In Relubbus, the bridge will rise on what is now farmland next to Terminal 12 of the Relubbus International Airport.  In Britanny, it will come down at Landrellec beach.

The eye-catching bridge will rise quickly to a height of 400 feet so that shipping can easily pass underneath.

The sides of the bridge will be formed of embankments rising to a height of 60 feet and will be laid to lawns and gardens  so that no one gets dizzy at such a height. The embankments will also create a natural and comfortable bridge for wildlife to cross the channel in peace and quiet.

The roads and rail will be heated in winter so that they do not freeze and ducts will carry rainwater down to the sea through turbines, which will generate some of the power needed to run the services.

The rest of the power will be generated by wind turbines interspersed along the length of the bridge.

The building consortium of Oates & Trevaskis has stated that the work will commence in mid March and that it is expected to be fully completed by the end of April in time for the summer traffic.

The huge work force for this futuristic entirely wooden construction is said to include some 67 carpenters alone, together with two electricians and one plumber.

Contracts have been the subject of fierce competition, but we can announce that the winner of the hotly-contested hairdressing contract for the project has just been anounced to be Shelley's of St Just.

The ROUNDUP would like to wish all our readers a HAPPY NEW YEAR and we hope that both of them will enjoy good health and wealth the whole year through.

SCILLIES - AMBITIOUS TUNNEL PLAN A SUCCESS!!

The tangled debates about the practicalities of the connections between the Scilly Isles and the Cornish mainland have been transformed by the shock announcement from local hero entrepreneur, R C Oates (98), that he is a digging a road tunnel to connect Relubbus directly to the Scilly Isle of St Agnes.

Oates is pictured here in full Cornish miner's kit, sporting a cigar obtained at a most reasonable price from Mr Scobie's fashionable Smoking Perquisites Emporium in Penzance.

The connection, which is already all but completed - having, for commercial reasons, been constructed in total secrecy - will provide a 6 lane motorway from Tregembo Hill in Greater Relubbus which will emerge at the Turks Head, Old Lane, on the teeming island of St Agnes.

Asked why he did not choose to route his connection to one of the bigger islands such as St Mary's, Tresco or St Martin's, Oates, the enigmatic mega-multibillionnaire recluse, who likes to be known simply as "RC", stated that, since his mother is called Agnes, there could be not other possible destination.

The tunnel - and road - is being built by forty stout and trusty Cornish hard rock miners shown here on the left.

Most unusually, the lads have started their tunnel at the mid-point and are working out from there to the two end points - Relubbus and St Agnes.

The more mentally agile of our readers will have immediately noticed that the tunnel has been commenced - well out to sea - under the seabed.

Mr Oates stated, "I dunnit on perpose so no one dknaw about un till I was goodun ready!"

The chief commissioning engineers, Billy and Tommy Thomas, speaking with the benefit of their fourth pints from their HQ in the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, stated, "Course we adda few problems like.Gettin they boys out there in the firss place and riggin up the ladder in they airtight barrels to git down the seabed wadden easy - 'specially as Mr Oates ave said we gotta do un on the quiet!"

However, human ingenuity has once more triumphed over natural obstacles and the tunnel - together with its full 6 lane motorway with a canal alongside capable of taking a ship the size of the Scillonian - will be completed at the weekend.

An inspiration to the miners has been their very own 'pasty maid', Morwenna Pengelly, runner-up in last year's Marazion version of Countdown.

Morwenna (26) from Prospidnick is a nearly-qualified former trainee bicycle repairer, who believes that pasties are not only a source of good nutritious food but also an effective and fetching addition to the wardrobe of any fashion-conscious Cornish maid.

Morwenna learnt crimping at her mother's knee and proudly states that the men especially like the pasties that have kept their warmth by being kept closest to her body.  She says excitedly, "I duh walk roun and they boys duh  pluck off they pasties jes to see wass underneath.  They're sum cheeky, they are , they boys!"

The boys couldn't be happier.  They eat pasties for breakfast, croust, dinner, tea and supper and also eat an additional one as a snack, if they feel a bit peckish.  However, five or six pasties a day is nothing when you consider the work rate required to complete the tunnel, motorway and canal construction in just under three weeks.

The engineering feat (progress shown here on only day three!) is only achievable because of the high motivation generated by the huge rewards being offered by Mr Oates.  Each man receives £14 10s 9d per day, in addition to as many pasties as they can eat.  Furthermore, on completion, every man will receive a bonus payment of either a free brand new Reliant Robin Mk 2 SLX or a half price haircut plus manicure and pedicure at Shelley's of St Just.

Mr Oates is expecting to make a tidy sum from each car crossing on the toll motorway.  Journeys to the Scillies will cost 2s 6d per car, whilst the retun journey will cost £145.

The Scillonian - sailing along the canal - will have a much calmer journey than that often experienced on the surface of the sea.  Mr Oates is planning to make no charge for canal boat crossings in view of their reduced environmental impact.

The novel engineering project is likely to attract enormous interest from around the world, particularly at the weekend, when the men are expected to break through both at the Tregembo Hill and St Agnes ends of the tunnel.

Hotels from Land End right up as far as Truro are fully booked with TV and print journalists and with many thousands of the keen and curious members  of the public, who are waiting to see this new wonder of the world.

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN WEST PENWITH

The Roundup believes that there is a lid for every saucepan - however bent - and we pride ourselves on being able to bring together those made for each other.

Is there a voice calling for me?  Violet Pender, who has shot to fame and the top of the table in the West Cornish Parlour Song charts (according to the latest figures released by Marshall James's Sheet Music and Record Shop) has received distant adoration from many for her haunting baritone rendition of "Somewhere a voice is calling".

However, sadly this paragon of pulchritude is herself still looking for love.  Before she commenced her singing career, she was a fulltime self-employed used coin collector, operating out of pockets all over West Penwith.   At 36 and still unmarried, she is averse to all types of shelving and has developed a full social life with a keen interest in jigsaw and crossword puzzles, sudoku, crotch stitch and patience.

She would like to start a family and is still hoping that the 'right sort of man' will come along.  He will be hygienic, over 5 feet tall, have nearly all his own teeth and an income of well over £100k.  Are you calling for her?  Box 1

Ambrose Angwin (29) is a self-trained dentist from Botallack with ambitions to 'tekk ovver' the dental market in Greater Pendeen.  He has been out with a number of women, but is restricted in his choice in that he will only contemplate a relationship with a woman whose name begins with 'Z'. "Tha'sowheneye duh give she a card err a present, Ikkun say iss from A tuh Z!", insists this hopeless romantic.  He has so far found a Zena and a Zelda.  He likes to think of himself as an easy-going jovial sort of guy - someone it is fun to be around.

With as yet very few patients, he makes up his money by working as a mortician's assistant, as he jokes that this way he gets to see his patients again.  He is an accomplished exponent of what he terms 'the silent violin' - an equivalent of the air guitar.  Are you the one, whose name begins with 'Z"?  Box 2

Trainee Assistant hairdresser at a famous St Just salon, which we must not mention here, Andrea Cargeeg is a 21-year-old lovely, having come thirteenth three times running in the Sancreed Miss Beautiful Bespectacled Amputee contest.

Andrea is of a shy and retiring nature, much preferring to communicate with a nod, a shake of the head or a smile, or indeed any gesture which gets her out of having to talk.

Andrea has not had any boyfriends - or indeed any friends - yet.  She would like to start things off very quietly, perhaps over a coffee in the Wimpy bar, Penzance, although you might find yourself having to do all the talking for the first few months.  So, fancy a chat?  Box 3

Experimental, but incontinent, couple are looking for same in the Goldsithney area, both to explore mutual pleasures as well as to swap stories about the thrills and spills of incontinence.  Roger and Maude are a old-fashioned couple in their late twenties, who live together in Maude's mother's garden shed, which has been kitted out to a high specification, including a new tin roof and an electric light.  So they have plenty of private space in which to entertain, provided that people go in in the right order and do not wish to turn around.

Maude is able to conjure up a real feast on the ring burner or, if they are out of gas, can make a nice fish paste sandwich for all to share.

So if you are a broad-minded couple who have left the teenage pad and want to move into Tena pads, Rog and Maudie would like to hear from you.  Box 4

Come play with me!!  Doris Botheras is a young Entrepreneur of the Year from Botallack.  She set up her own business as a car crusher last year, when she decided to turn her 35 stone into a means of earning hard cash.  "I wuz sittinonna fortune!", she says.

Totally unshy about her weight, which she keeps up on a diet of several lard pasties each meal, she is a self-appointed champion of the obese and vehemently opposes the institutional 'weightism'  of the NHS Nazis, whom she accuses of being blatantly 'fattist'.

Doris believes that fat is a lifestyle choice.  If that is your view too and you would like to get to know Doris and find out how she keeps the lard filling from melting in the pasty, then Box 5 is the one for you!

CHRISTMAS IN RELUBBUS

As these scenes show, Relubbus is bedecked once more with fresh snow.

On the left is the view of the eastern side of the city taken from the 93rd floor of the famous R. C. Oates building yesterday.

This next picture shows the traditional ice sculpture situated at the bottom of Treslothan Avenue just off fashionable Boswedden Lane.

In the immortal and Spooneristic words of His High Excellency Councillor Billy Spargo (100, pictured left, the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC),  "The town 'ave put on 'is festive cloak and is lookin' sum smucking fart!"

So what is happening around Relubbus at this time of year?  The Roundup's reporters have been out and about gathering stories to bring to our international and eager audience.

Christmas is nothing if not a time when we all think of those who are less fortunate than ourselves.  For this reason, very special appreciation must go to local business, Shelley's Hair and Beauty, for offering a Christmas special to certain folk who are having a hard time of it and can't afford a hairdo.

Lily Nichols, a Bag Lady from Porthlebben, who normally has little more in her bag than a few cans of White Lightning cider, the week's stock of roll-ups and certainly no ready cash for hairdos, was delighted to receive an offer of a free coiffure at Shelley's.  Lily turned up (shown here in the picture of the left) fully expecting to get the treatment from a willing, but fairly inexperienced, junior.  She was therefore delighted to have the attention of the great Shelley herself.

The Roundup reporters, alerted to the occasion by no more than a few dozen frantic phone calls, happened to saunter up to the scene,  there to capture this act of generosity and were therefore extremely
surprised - not to say disgusted - to observe Lily, after the free hairdo, simply helping herself to costly adornments from Shelley's carefully decorated Christmas tree.  Magnanimous as ever, Shelley, when her attention was drawn to Lily's bulging bag of freshly stolen Christmas tree decorations, said, "Leave 'er be, poor old maid.  You seen the state of that old git Lily duh 'ang round with?  I aren't gunna press no charges." 

Meanwhile life in Relubbus clubland seems to have been hotting up.  GRUC Council Leader, Billy Spargo, has called for self-restraint on the part of the lucky citizens of Relubbus, who are free from the concerns of Credit Crunch, Global warming and those other matters, which afflict the other nations of the world.  "They ebbent got it as good as what we 'ave ovver ere, so I duh want to see people goin easy on the livin it up ere."

It was therefore somewhat embarassing to see Councillor Spargo's own great granddaughter Trezela (21) emerging the worse for wear from notorious nightclub 'Queer Feelings' in Prospidnick Terrace, just off fashionable Boswedden Lane.

The club is run by two characters, who like to be known as Boris and Doris Morris, shown here on the left.

This night venue has acquired a reputation for staging, in the opinion of Supreme Relubbus Methodist Leader, Hajjatodjah Ernie Pascoe, "entertainment of an unseemly and unwholesome nature"".

The club is currently featuring a Japanese male dance troupe called "High Voltage".  Accompanied by a mournful Shamisen, the near naked men lift one leg up after the other emitting baleful cries, whilst audience members take it in turn to adjust the level of voltage in the shocks administered to the dancers to keep them moving for hours on end.   The climax of their 24 hour long act is a triumphant rendition of Kyu Sakamoto's smash hit "Sukiyaki"(still at No.3 in the Relubbus gramophone charts).

Trezelah Spargo was caught by a paparazzo leaving the club very early on Sunday morning and, although she managed a graceful smile for the camera, it very clearly betrayed the fact that she had generous smudgings of cocaine under her nose.  Regarded as the apple of her great-grandfather's eye, Trezelah's exposure as a patron of 'Queer Feelings' and as a cocaine user is likely to bring more than a tear to that most famous of centenarian eyes.  The Roundup will follow development of this story, but feels it is unlikely that Trezelah will be getting any Christmas presents from great-grandpa this year.

Meanwhile, it is the Christmas season and every child in Relubbus is hoping to receive a visit from Father Christmas.  It is therefore with great sadness that Relubbus police have to bring to the attention of all employers and parents the reported appearance in Relubbus of a noted weirdo, one Dougie Botterell, masquerading as Father Christmas.  

The accompanying picture shows the offender in his 'Christmas gear'.  Observant readers will note that the eyes betray a certain malevolent fire not normally associated with Father Christmas.

Dougie does have a disturbing, though apparently not yet dangerous, obsession.  A sufferer of 'leftsockitis', it is his abnormal desire to remove and keep the left sock of any child he meets.  He has been found working as a 'Santa' in many shops from which children emerge content with their present from Father Christmas, but minus their left sock.

The 2009 search for 'The Most Patriotic Relubbus Family' has resulted in a happy victory for the Trembath family of Bramangath street, Relubbus.

The family are shown here on the left.  They are Methodius Kammbronn Trembath, the father (115), wearing Cornish kilt, Mary-Margaret Tregavarah Trembath (42) mother, and Xylophone Trelissick Trembath (15) daughter.

The family are monoglot Kernewek speakers and resolutely reject all influences from outside Relubbus and Cornwall.  Mr Trembath is a Cornish kiltmaker by trade and his wife makes pasties commercially, having been appointed sole supplier to the royal families of  Liechtenstein, Monaco, Luxembourg and (although this is hushed up for political reasons) also to the People's Republic of Hayle, whose leader 'Combover' Ventongimps is very partial to her pasties.  

The maid, Xylophone, has put her name down at the Relubbus Academy of Courtesans, but, if she fails to get in, will be trying to pursue a career in underwater woodwind music.  Why did they win?  Well, word has it that none other than Billy Spargo is also very partial to Mrs Trembath's pasties.

We end our Christmas edition with a caption competition.  What is one bird saying to the other?

The most hilarious answer written on the back of a banker's draft for £15,000 will, if drawn, secure the lucky entrant this latest version of the Cornwall Motor Works (CMW) newest offering, the Praze-an-Beeble (shown below).

So hurry off to a bank today, get your banker's draft for £15,000 and submit your entry now!

Please note that there is nothing to stop you submitting more than one entry, provided that each one is submitted on a separate banker's draft in the correct amount.  We regret however that no one person may submit more than 5,000 entries.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

TEENAGERS TO VOTE ON RELUBBUS' MOST POPULAR SONG

Youngsters in and around Relubbus will surely be thrilled to have the opportunity of selecting their most favourite popular song at a special Youngsters' Gala night at the internationally renowned Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Saturday night.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (108) has helped the youngsters by selecting for them eight all time greats from which to choose their favourite song and the eight greats are:

1. I do like to be beside the seaside
2. Goin' up Cambern 'ill
3. I'm Henery the Eighth I am
   
4. Where did you get that hat?
5. Hello! Hello! Who's your lady friend?
6. Hold your hand out naughty boy!
7. It's a long way to Tipperary
8. Waiting at the Church

The songs will be performed by two alternating groups, both well-known to the young Cornish audience - namely The Nancledra Black and White Gay Barber Shop Quartet and the Kkenidjack Kkernewek Kkemmyn Kkaraokke Ensemble (with ever popular organ soloist Onan Weebles).

Smart money in internet betting circles seems to indicate that "Goin up Cambern 'ill" is the runaway favourite.

The event is open to any youngsters between the age of 15 and 21. The Panopticon can accomodate 40,000 people and the event is expected to be packed out on the night.

Girls will sit on the left of the theatre and the boys will sit on the right, whilst the gangway between them will be patrolled by members of the Young Methodist Women's League against 'Goings on'.

Councillor Spargo has asked that the doors be opened at 3.30 pm to let the audience in so that the four hour event will be over in good time to allow the youngsters to get home early to bed for Chapel next morning.

The compere of the event will be the all-time kiddies' favourite Mr Pastry, pictured here far left.

However, everyone is expecting Pinky and Perky to put in an appearance as well to amuse the boys and girls.

The two little piggies seem to have a cult status amongst the young folk of Relubbus.

We asked some youngsters what they thought about this superb entertainment event.


Christine Slut, a 19 year old self-employed 'pole dancer' from Sancreed, said, "Well, it makes a change from walking the streets, so I'm up for it!"


Nigel Botheras, a 20 year old trolley operative apprentice from Pendeen said, "If it means a free bus out of Pendeen, I'm yer man!"


Kerensa Trewhela, a 21 year old 'junya' from the Relubbus branch of the internationally renowned Shelley's Hair and Beauty said, "Luvlee! When all they people duh see my 'air, they might as' me to do theirs too!"

Of course, the Roundup will be there to report on this Youngsters' event of the year.










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DEBUTANTES BALLS ARE BACK!!

Yes, meet the young ladies of style from West Penwith!

On the left are 8 proud new graduates from the Crows an Wra Young Ladies' Finishing School, who will shortly be introduced as debutantes at the Annual Boswedden Lane Debutantes Ball in September.

This grand social event will be presided over, with his customary seigniorial aplomb, by none other than the esteemed Relubbus Council leader Billy Spargo (107) himself, and whichever belle on whom he chooses to bestow the signal honour of his company on this most prestigious of social occasions in the Cornish calendar.

For certain technical reasons, this tends to be a geriatric nurse with particular experience in urological problems, but this year Councillor Spargo appears to be casting caution to the wind.

Despite his, to lesser folk, incapacitating urological and wind problems, it is hotly rumoured around the fashionable salons of Boswedden Lane that the venerated Relubbus leader (pictured here on the left), will be foregoing his usual practice of taking an experienced nursing companion and instead escorting the young lady on the far left of the top photo, Miss Clamydia Trelowarren (21) to the ball.

The other ladies in the top photo – all aged 21 and all from the top drawer of Relubbus society – are, (to Miss Trelowarren’s right) Miss Cynthia Bunt, Miss Lavinia Minge, Miss Mocca Tartt, Miss Spenda Penny and Miss Dorla Rescorla.

The two girls seated at the front (or ‘gels’ as they prefer to be known) are a tight-knit pair from Botallack, who like to be known as the ‘no-knickers brigade’. They are Miss Brenda Bramanagath and Miss Gwendoline Gwenn.

In accordance with tradition, one lucky debutante will be selected as Queen of the Ball.

The young lady will then be showered with valuable gifts, including this year a £5 voucher to be redeemed at Simpson’s of Penzance; a set of nearly-new heated rollers; a half price cup of coffee at the Wimpy Bar; a free ‘blue rinse’ at Shelley’s Hair and Beauty at St Just and a set of tingly horsehair underwear made to measure by the up and coming King of Lingerie himself, Mr Derek Split-Crotch of Newbridge (pictured left, just putting the finishing touches, with mawther’s iron, to a pair of size 20 panties in genuine plastique.)

The only ‘onerous’ duties are the official opening of the refurbished toilets at Newlyn harbour and the requirement to act as a ‘greeter’ at the toilets from 7.00 am till 9.00 pm for the first 60 days after opening.

This is followed by a week of being duty streetwalker (deputising for ace local tart Ada Quick) at St Buryan (from 3.00 pm until 7.30 pm), donating all proceeds to the Botallack Home for Fallen Women.

However, with all this local exposure, it is easy to see why so many young women regard the attainment of the ‘Queen of the Ball’ title as the best possible launchpad into the world of the West Penwith glitterati. Accordingly, we can only say, may the best young lady win!! We will be reporting further...