Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


RC Oates (62), pictured here in happier times, the fabulously wealthy Relubbus entrepreneur, is taking a former business partner, Eric J Addicoat (73), to court following the initial failure of Mr Oates’ recently launched car breakdown service.

According to Mr Oates, who is also chair of the Relubbus Justice Oversight Commission, the success of this new venture had been ruined by Mr Addicoat’s contribution. Mr Addicoat had been engaged to provide a cut-price telephone facility for the desperate motorists to contact in the event of an emergency.

Mr Addicoat explained from the painfully small oubliette, in which he had been temporarily confined prior to his transfer to prison, that he had heard that Indian call centres were the cheapest way of managing telephone services of this sort.

Mr Addicoat then secured the services of a native American tourist to work in the ‘call centre’. Chief Quanah Nocona (103), who speaks only Comanche, agreed via sign language to ‘use white man’s speaking machine’ for £5 a day with pasties thrown in.

However, the poor motorists who ‘phoned up hoping to be rescued by the new Oates’ breakdown service were greeted by the sound of a mournful Comanche chant in honour of those ancestors who had passed on to the care of the Great White Spirit.

Said Miss Edna Osborne (93) of Nancledra, “I duh need my car, which is as old as what I am. So I paid my £450 fer the ‘the full whack’ service includin ‘Ome start’. Yes’day I wanted to g’win town and ee wouldn’ start up. I ‘phoned the ‘mergency number and all I got was bleddy Tonto crowin’ away. Not ‘appy, I can tell ee!!”

All 14,000 people who tried to use the service in West Penwith over the first two days were greeted by the baleful sound of Chief Nocona’s seemingly endless lament.

After 48 hours of failure, news of the disaster reached the multi-billionaire entrepreneur RC (“jes call me Arsey!”) Oates at his sumptuous summer holiday cottage in Colinsey Road, Penzance. Shaking with rage, he demanded that his security units place ‘that bugger Addicoat” in the dreaded oubliette, (pictured left) beneath the toilets of his flagship megastore in Relubbus.

Mr Oates has declined to replace the Addicoat ‘Indian call centre” with a more traditional call centre sited in India. The hard-nosed businessman has not taken this decision through any fluttering fanciful patriotism. He maintains rather that it is a sad, but true, fact that Cornwall is one of the very poorest parts of Britain.

It is simply far cheaper to employ Cornish people than to set up the needlessly complicated arrangements required to service Cornish motoring needs from Bangalore. As he says himself, “If I duh break down up Pendeen, I want to speak to someone in Botallack, not bleddy Bangalore."