CHRISTMAS GETS A NEW LOOK IN MARAZION!!

The Marazion Apollo Theatre - as can be seen in the picture on the left - has been looking a little run down in recent years. 

The once hugely popular 37-seat theatre had seen better days - almost all of which are no longer within living memory.

The exception, of course, is in the case of 125-year-old "Lucky" Pender, who still lives in the same Barncoose hospital for the criminally insane that he has occupied since that fateful day - 110 years ago - when he tried to burn down Simpsons of Penzance after the staff of that fashionable store laughed at him when he tried on a new pair of trousers only to reveal that he wore no underpants.

Apparanetly "Lucky" still has vivid childhood memories of the place.

It has therefore come as considerable relief to many folk that the Relubbus mega-multibillionnaire entrepreneur, R C Oates, has dug deep in his generous pockets to splash out on a £749 refurbishment that has made the Marazion Apollo once again the number one entertainment centre within 172 yards of the famous Marazion town centre.

Resplendent in its new glory, the 10,000 seat renewed Marazion Apollo is set to clean up on Christmas and New Year Entertainment bookings in West Penwith.

The new artistic director of the Apollo is none other that Mrs Doris 'Ollis (43), who has been lured over from her job at the Treneere Fish Bar to take on this demanding role for an hourly reward, which is rumoured to run well below double figures.

A major factor in her readiness to take on this role lies in the fact that her husband ('usbant), Boris, is the driver of the bus that connects Penzance Bus station with Marazion.  "Eegen gimme free lift on the wayome like!", says an excited Mrs 'Ollis.

Doris has been given an artistic free hand and is using this opportunity to bring exciting new talent to the West Cornish stage.

We present just four of the new discovery headline acts she is bringing this Christmas.

Top of the bill is the "Pub Landlady" - or Lily Nichols as she is better known.  For some years, Lily has been practising her stand-up routine on the streets of Helston outside its various hostelries.  Fortified by cans generously donated by members of the public, she maintains a stream of comical verbiage until the stand-up becomes a fall-down, at which point the show ends and the Salvation Army moves in.

Thus honed in the harsh world of street stand-up, Lily will be bringing her routine  to the new Marazion Apollo stage.  Lily will be having a few drinks and telling a few stories of clever observational humour before she reaches the stage of technical fall-down or becomes too incoherent or lewd and has to be dragged from the stage.

Next up on the bill comes the raw sex and sizzle provided by the risqué burlesque troupe - "They Naughty Hopalong Maids" - from Tregeseal, St Just.

All six girls have in common the fact that they have been expelled from school for reasons termed as inappropriate behaviour and also the fact that they hop everywhere they go - including on stage.

They will be dancing - hopping - to their own rendition of "The Old Grey Duck", "Goin up Cambern 'Ill" and other classic favourites well known to the crowds.

Sure to be another success with the audience is the hypnotist's act known simply as Camp Count Colin.  This is a speciality act with a twist.   Colin - who hails from far away up in North Cornwall - is a mysterious type, who likes the Gothic look.

Exuding a manic confidence despite his strongly lisping stammer and startling falsetto voice, Colin affects what he regards as an East European accent, which, when married with his obviously Cornish vocabulary and grammar, creates a novel impact.

Amongst the embarassing things he gets his hypnotised victims (always young men) to do is to profess their love for him.  "It duh give a noo meanin' to 'turn queer', thasswat I duh say!"

Used to the 'anything goes' atmosphere prevailing in the nightclubs of Trewint and Tregole, Colin is now under strict instructions to keep his act clean enough for a family audience.

The final offering to gain a mention here is a new novelty act from Scotland - "The Two Tweeters",  a married couple by the name of Gordon and Sarah.

This pair of lovebirds performs an eye-catching tap dance whilst they simultaneously play the spoons in a routine so obviously dreamt-up and rehearsed in the comfort of their own front room.  However, such is the charm of their smiles - particularly Gordon's - that it is quite compelling.

They will also be singing a medley of songs - some of Gordon's own composition - including one about an old ex-friend:

"Who is that bastard?

His name is Tony............" (to the tune of "You take the High Road")

Ticket enquiries can be made at a booth in the alleyway next to "Out of the Blue"  in Market Place, Marazion.  You are advised to hurry as tickets are expected to sell quickly.

SCILLIES - AMBITIOUS TUNNEL PLAN A SUCCESS!!

The tangled debates about the practicalities of the connections between the Scilly Isles and the Cornish mainland have been transformed by the shock announcement from local hero entrepreneur, R C Oates (98), that he is a digging a road tunnel to connect Relubbus directly to the Scilly Isle of St Agnes.

Oates is pictured here in full Cornish miner's kit, sporting a cigar obtained at a most reasonable price from Mr Scobie's fashionable Smoking Perquisites Emporium in Penzance.

The connection, which is already all but completed - having, for commercial reasons, been constructed in total secrecy - will provide a 6 lane motorway from Tregembo Hill in Greater Relubbus which will emerge at the Turks Head, Old Lane, on the teeming island of St Agnes.

Asked why he did not choose to route his connection to one of the bigger islands such as St Mary's, Tresco or St Martin's, Oates, the enigmatic mega-multibillionnaire recluse, who likes to be known simply as "RC", stated that, since his mother is called Agnes, there could be not other possible destination.

The tunnel - and road - is being built by forty stout and trusty Cornish hard rock miners shown here on the left.

Most unusually, the lads have started their tunnel at the mid-point and are working out from there to the two end points - Relubbus and St Agnes.

The more mentally agile of our readers will have immediately noticed that the tunnel has been commenced - well out to sea - under the seabed.

Mr Oates stated, "I dunnit on perpose so no one dknaw about un till I was goodun ready!"

The chief commissioning engineers, Billy and Tommy Thomas, speaking with the benefit of their fourth pints from their HQ in the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, stated, "Course we adda few problems like.Gettin they boys out there in the firss place and riggin up the ladder in they airtight barrels to git down the seabed wadden easy - 'specially as Mr Oates ave said we gotta do un on the quiet!"

However, human ingenuity has once more triumphed over natural obstacles and the tunnel - together with its full 6 lane motorway with a canal alongside capable of taking a ship the size of the Scillonian - will be completed at the weekend.

An inspiration to the miners has been their very own 'pasty maid', Morwenna Pengelly, runner-up in last year's Marazion version of Countdown.

Morwenna (26) from Prospidnick is a nearly-qualified former trainee bicycle repairer, who believes that pasties are not only a source of good nutritious food but also an effective and fetching addition to the wardrobe of any fashion-conscious Cornish maid.

Morwenna learnt crimping at her mother's knee and proudly states that the men especially like the pasties that have kept their warmth by being kept closest to her body.  She says excitedly, "I duh walk roun and they boys duh  pluck off they pasties jes to see wass underneath.  They're sum cheeky, they are , they boys!"

The boys couldn't be happier.  They eat pasties for breakfast, croust, dinner, tea and supper and also eat an additional one as a snack, if they feel a bit peckish.  However, five or six pasties a day is nothing when you consider the work rate required to complete the tunnel, motorway and canal construction in just under three weeks.

The engineering feat (progress shown here on only day three!) is only achievable because of the high motivation generated by the huge rewards being offered by Mr Oates.  Each man receives £14 10s 9d per day, in addition to as many pasties as they can eat.  Furthermore, on completion, every man will receive a bonus payment of either a free brand new Reliant Robin Mk 2 SLX or a half price haircut plus manicure and pedicure at Shelley's of St Just.

Mr Oates is expecting to make a tidy sum from each car crossing on the toll motorway.  Journeys to the Scillies will cost 2s 6d per car, whilst the retun journey will cost £145.

The Scillonian - sailing along the canal - will have a much calmer journey than that often experienced on the surface of the sea.  Mr Oates is planning to make no charge for canal boat crossings in view of their reduced environmental impact.

The novel engineering project is likely to attract enormous interest from around the world, particularly at the weekend, when the men are expected to break through both at the Tregembo Hill and St Agnes ends of the tunnel.

Hotels from Land End right up as far as Truro are fully booked with TV and print journalists and with many thousands of the keen and curious members  of the public, who are waiting to see this new wonder of the world.

MAJOR INTERNATIONAL NEWS COLLABORATION ANNOUNCED

Relubbus Roundup teams up with the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt!

Although it is far smaller than Relubbus with (at the last count, in 2004) just 34,600 inhabitants, Liechtenstein has two excellent newspapers, one of which, with millions of readers, has been selected by the Roundup as its international partner. This lucky winner is the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt.

The two globally significant news organisations sent one representative each to a half way point (a roadside café in Hesperange in Luxembourg) to sign an historic agreement which will henceforth mean that Liechtenstein gets inside news about Relubbus and vice versa. The news of the signing has sent ripples around the media world and is said to have caused Rupert Murdoch to have sleepless nights.

Attending the signing for the Volksblatt is their Economics Editor, the very well-informed and deeply attractive Kornelia Pfeiffer.

Kornelia (27 and from Vaduz), pictured here on the left, has the equivalent of thirty two 'O' levels, including Typing and Geography. She is finely attuned to the vibrant throbbing rhythm which characterises the Liechtenstein economy.

Kornelia has long been fascinated by Cornwall and looks forward to an attachment to the Roundup at its premises in the Swordfish, Newlyn.

The Roundup's able representative at what will, in future Media Studies degrees, come to be known as the Hesperange Agreement, is none other than the grand-daughter of the Relubbus mega multi-billionnaire R.C. Oates, little Tamsin Oates. Party girl Tamsin left school (the prestigious and fabulously expensive Nancledra Ladies Academy, run by Miss Tregonning) at sixteen without any qualifications, but this has not held her back in her glittering career. Now 23, she runs the stationery and catering departments at the Roundup.

Curious readers can view the online version of the Volksblatt at www.volksblatt.li.

The link up will provide readers in both countries with many advantages. Two avid readers, Grace Hocking (37) and her friend Martha Lukies (45) from Gunwalloe, pictured here on holiday in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, welcomed news of the big media hook-up. "If you duh think ov'un, it'll be uh proper job. If I duh advertise Enty Mabel's old mangle fer sale in the Roundup, someone from why over to Liechtenstein might want to buy'un. It duh give we a bigger audience, dunna?"

Delighted Volksblatt reader Max Buechli declared, "Tja, wir freuen uns wahnsinning darüber. Relubbus und Vaduz gehören zusammen."

It is expected that the media link will lead to many other cross-cultural connections between Relubbus and Liechtenstein. The Relubbus Institute for Foreign Languages will be making great efforts to help bridge the language barrier. It is producing one of its famous four-way phrasebooks, a few snippets of which we present here. It tells you what you need to say...

Yn Gernow:

• Piw os'ta?
• Ass yw brav an gewer.
  
• Toemm yw hi.

In Cornwall:

• Oo aree?
• Proper weather, inna?
• Sum 'ot inna?

In England:

• Who are you?
• What fine weather!
• It is hot.

In Liechtenstein:

• Wer sind Sie?
• Was für schönes Wetter!
• Mir ist heiß.

People interested in travelling to Liechtenstein will be thrilled to hear that, from next Wednesday, the Western National Bus Service will be running half-hourly services from Penzance Railway Station, via Relubbus, to Vaduz in Liechtenstein. The competitively-priced service will cost £1 14s 4d for a single ticket and £2 9s 8d for a return.

GURNARDS HEAD BUSINESSWOMAN TO MARRY ALIEN

Well known local businesswoman, sportswoman and fashion icon, Tamsin Pengelly (31) has surprised the tight-knit local community of Gurnards Head by announcing her intention to marry an alien - from beyond the Tamar and, some even say, from beyond our solar system.

Tamsin, a cheery soul, first came to public attention when she won the 1962 Gurnards Head Secretary of the Year competition, easily triumphing over the other 134 contenders with a prototype tazar gun of her own design.

After working for three years as a secretary in the busy Byelorussian Embassy in Gurnards Head, she left to pursue an entrepreneurial career.

It was the that she conceived of the idea that was to make her fortune - the Knitted Teapot.  Everyone was familiar with the idea of a tea cosy fashioned from knitwear, but she wanted to design a fully functional teapot made - entirely - from knitwear.  Thus began months and months of experimentation with different knitting styles and with different wools.

Every attempt was dismissed by Tamsin's supportive mother Aggie (108) with the despairing judgement "Ee duh look orright, but ee duh leak, my livver! Gwon maid, avenuther go!"

Soon Tamsin became such a frequent visitor to the Penzance Reference Library in her diligent quest for a solution that some people came to believe that she worked there.

Eventually her research paid off when she came across news of an entirely unexpected wool source, which she believed might hold the key to her success.  At first she could not believe her eyes as the description appeared to read as some sort of joke.  It spoke of a five-legged wool-bearing pig from the eastern forests of Poland called the Svinochka.  However, this was no joke, the Svinochka did exist. Tamsin had 100 test animals imported from Poland to Gurnards Head and then made two happy discoveries.

Firstly, the novel pig wool retained hot fluids perfectly and was admirably suited for the purpose of knitting teapots.  Secondly, the Svinochka made excellent kosher and halal bacon.

The rest is history.  Tamsin quickly imported 40,000 more Svinochkas and teapot production took off and rocketed.  There was also a nice little sideline in bacon rashers, which could be exported to Saudi Arabia, because they came from wool-bearing pigs.

Tamsin enjoyed the benefits of commercial success for 15 years and basked contentedly in the warmth of public adulation and new-found wealth.  Then she sold her company for £45 million and retired to focus her attention and great talents on raising the profile of underwater tennis.

This had long been a passion of hers, although she had lacked the time to develop her lung capacity to the extent required to stay underwater for an entire set.  She is shown here on the left during a practice session near Newlyn harbour.

However, it was during training in stormy weather off Lands End that she encountered Zygon, her name for her alien love.  She had been holding her breath under water for 45 minutes and had then passed out.  She was then detected by Zygon, an amphibian alien, who is believed to navigate with a form of echo-location and who happened to be floating past.  He/she/it brought her to the surface.

Being a young lady of honour, she felt compelled to give herself to Zygon as a reward to him/her/it  for saving her life. 

During a press conference held yesterday on Falmouth Promenade, the multi-millionaire businesswoman declared her intention to marry Zygon, once she had found a way of communicating with him/her/it - which is her next big project.

The Roundup will keep you informed of further developments.

FOCUS ON TALENT IN RELUBBUS

The Roundup is keen to shine its potent torch of publicity on the many young entrepreneurs who call Relubbus home.  This week we are looking at some of the brightest and best of them.

Pammie Pender (47) is a photographer whose career first started out on the other side of the lens in the days when she was a 'glamour model'. For twenty years from the tender age of 16, Pammie graced the centrefold spread of famous 'top shelf' publications such as Sancreed Plumbing, Tregavarah Gardening Weekly,  Newbridge Knitting and Crochet, Gulval Gas Fittings and Winwaloe Window Cleaning. 

However, gravity gradually took its toll and the commissions started to dry up.  That is when inspiration came to Pammie and she decided to put all her accumulated knowledge of photography into practice - on the other side of the lens.

Her consummate skill is perfectly illustrated in this photograph entitled Timing, which sold last week in the renowned Spargo Auction Rooms for £2,500,000.  Pammie insists that the difference between a good photo and a brilliant one is simply a matter of timing.  One must capture the moment.

In this family shot of the Trevaskises of Lelant (relatives of the fabulously wealthy Relubbus business dynamo W G Trevaskis), the drama is created by the figure of Dick Trevaskis, front left, whose face so clearly betrays the fact that Pammie has managed to fully capture a moment which he would have preferred to remain uncaptured. 

Of course, the involuntary release into his trousers is accompanied by the most frightful odour, but, as the picture clearly shows, this hasn't reached the noses of the others yet.  As Pammie says " 'S all a madderuv timin'!"

You will all have heard of Warren Buffet, but just how many of you have heard of Buffet Warren (29) from up Tregeseal?  He is certainly shaping up quickly to provide stiff competition for the famed American investor.  BMW (as he likes to be known, since his middle name is Madron) set up his hedge fund, Cot Valley Investments, two years ago.  "I duh call it a 'edge fund, cos we got th' edge on they other buggers!"

Cot Valley Investments has so far attracted funds totalling £750,000. These funds all come from the various residents of the Setting Sun old folks home, where BMW continues to work until he manages to register some profits from his investments.   As he cheefully admits, "You wooden bleeve 'ow much money we lost, but, lookin' on the bright side, leasisnot my own money goin' down the drain!"

Nora "Lightning" Behenna (34) is set to turn the world of surgery upside down for three reasons.  Firstly, she charges very little for the often complex operations she performs.  Secondly, she uses no anaesthetics at all.  Thirdly, her only medical instrument is her fretsaw.

What readers will also find amazing is that Nora is a young lady without any formal medical training whatsoever.  Entirely self-taught, she started off by practising exclusively on neighbours' household pets.

Then, after she found out that her boyfriend had been two-timing her, she performed her very first 'radical vasectomy' on him.  This picture was taken of her just after the operation and shows her gleefully holding her fretsaw and triumphantly displaying the freshly severed 'parts' in a plastic bag.

Her secret?  "Speed - thasall there is to un!  I'm finished before they duh knaw I started!"

SMALL BUSINESS STARS

The Relubbus Federation of Small Businesses believes that it has a solemn duty to shine the health-

giving light of publicity on fledgling small businesses in the area.

Federation Chairperson, Dame Tarquin Tonkin (89) speaking from his opulently appointed offices adjacent to the new toilet block at Sunset Static Caravan Park near Lelant said, "Th' ideas people duh come up with duh nevver cease t' maze me. Allikunseh is "Come down West, we got the best!"  Jes saws youduhknaw, 'ere's four bleddy crackers far ee!"

Pet Ant died?  Then call up Wiggy!

Wiggy is an expert in Pet Insect Taxidermy, with ants being his speciality.  Wiggy "I'll do un far ee!" Polglaze (25) of Newbridge is a master taxidemist passionate about his craft, who has brought solace to bereaved pet insect owners all over West Penwith.

For many lonely people a pet can bring much needed companionship. This source of comfort can come from pet ants, cockroaches, beetles, earwigs and so on, as much from any cat or dog.  So when a dearly loved one passes on, that magical bond of love can be retained by having the dear one expertly stuffed and displayed on the mantelpiece.

Wiggy, who is registered bald and has an ant colony of his own in his bed, declares cheerily, "If yer pet muryon 'ave died, gib'n 'ere an' I'll stuff 'n up proper far ee!"

Wiggy's services are available at a mere £499.99 plus VAT per ant.

Check your contribution to Global Warming with a Trembath toilet!!

Everyone is rightfully becoming increasingly concerned about global warming and the climate change it is inducing. For instance, global sea level rises of, at least, 45 metres are predicted* by the end of 2011.

Naturally, every responsible person is asking what they can do to avert this disaster. For this reason acclaimed and renowned Crowlas inventor, Tren Tembath (76) has developed a toilet which measures and calculates your personal contribution to gloabl warming at each 'sitting'.

However, as you might expect, the Trembath ingenuity does not cease at that point.  The gases are not allowed to be released into the atmosphere but are captured and converted into bars of ladies' beauty soap, which can then be either used or sold.

Each toilet is lovingly hand-crafted by Mr Trembath himself and this is reflected in the price of £12,500 (not including fitting!).  However this graceful, topical amd very useful product will greatly enhance the value of your home.

*prediction made last week by the Crowlas Climate Change Unit in peer-reviewed work.

Garden needs sorting out? Call the  Nancledra Nude Gardening Trio!!

The Nancledra Nude Gardening Trio of Jack "Nettles" Bolitho-Ball (47), Charmaine "Shortie" Clemo (39 and just 2ft 6 ins tall) and "Badger" Boskenna are all expert gardeners, who, whatever the weather, prefer to work without the clutter of clothing.

So when you hire this dream team, you not only get your garden attended to by professionals, but also have the treat of observing them avoid all the dangers to delicate dangling flesh posed by challenges such as Pyracantha firethorn and so on.

It's not only you who will be amused.  Just think what the neighbours will say.

You can hire all three of the trio for just £1.50 an hour, but please remember that there is an additional cold weather payment of 25 pence per hour from November to April.

Constipation anyone?  Any embarrassing facial hair, ladies?

Tamsin Blewett (36) from Crows an Wra can help you if you suffer from either of these worrisome problems.

Using the finely attunable controls on the her home-made high pressure diamond-headed drill, Tamsin can help you find near instant relief if you have been badly constipated for a few months.

Using an extension on her drill, which she calls the 'fish hook', because that is what it is, Tamsin claims that she can free you up within minutes of application of her wondrous device.

The drill has also had much success in helping ladies who are afflicted with unsightly and unwanted facial hair. Tamsin tackles the root of the problem - quite literally.


Rotating at what she calls 'invisibility speed', the diamond drill just burns away the roots of facial hair forever.

As you will readily understand, Tamsin's treatments do not come cheap.  The 'bum-blaster' costs £17.50 plus VAT, whilst the 'Ladybeard' costs £18.50 plus VAT.  However, customers will take great comfort from the fact that, if any lasting physical damage should result from any of the treatments, a full 4.75% of the fee will be refunded.

RELUBBUS BUSINESS NEWS

By Business Correspondent O. P. Opie

These pages are usually given over to descriptions of the latest colourful power moves by local magnates such as Mr R.C. Oates and Mr W.G. Trevaskis, whose constant battles for supremacy in the hothouse that is Relubbus' business life are marked by daily cuts and thrusts that send the stockmarkets aspin.

Today, however, we take a look at some of the promising younger businesses in Relubbus that might offer the adventurous investor the opportunity of a lifetime.

Each business is the creation of an inspired young local entrepreneur and we have invited each of them to introduce their business here.

R.U. Bent (23) ("Call me "Rodney!') is a sensitive young man whose extreme closeness to his feminine side made growing up on Gwavas Estate more challenging than would otherwise have been the case.

Two years ago he set up Tranny Taxis of Newbridge and is hugely proud of the 12 car fleet he now has to offer his many clients.  All the drivers are either transsexuals or transvestites and all of them hold advanced driver's licences as well as qualifications in emergency make-up and 'rescue' fashion advice.

Rodney freely admits that he borrowed heavily on the business model of the unexpectedly lucrative Gay Taxi Company of Long Rock, but as he boldly states "There's 'nuff room fer both o' we.  We's Penwith is 'eavin wi' queer folk."

C.E. Drekkly (29) is a Rosudgeon man.  On leaving prison after serving a 6 year sentence for embezzlement and aggravated lies and deception, Charlie found that many doors were closed to him --  including those of his former professions of spiritual healer and financial adviser.

He quickly realised that he would have to employ himself - to set up his own business.  He hit upon the idea of providing hot air balloon trips and thus Bodrifty Family Hot Air Balloons was born.  Bodrifty balloons are launched at Lands End.

The 'basket'is a normal hot air balloon basket, but the  'lift' is provided by 16 helium-filled party balloons. This severely restricted lift potential tends to lead to an automatic fall, once the basket is pushed off the edge of the cliff, but it is sufficient to ensure that the descent is not as dangerously rapid as it might otherwise be.

However, the sensation of travel has been exciting enough to attract thousands of people (all emmets to date) to part with the necessary £1,400, which is the cost of this one way -- and, indeed, in 98% of cases, final -- trip.  Says Charlie, "I emt never looked back; the moneyz pourin' in!"
 

M. T. Head (32) ("Mos' people duh jes' call me Mike!") of Trewern Jailbird House Cleaning Service (TJHCS) has concerned himself with a challenge very similar to that solved by Charlie - namely how to find gainful employment for those newly released from prison, particularly in the case of those who have served time for extremely violent crimes.

Mike came up with the brilliant idea of using violent ex-cons in house cleaning, as they tend to have spent a large period of time in a confined space, which most of them have become anal about keeping clean.

Thus TJHCS was born and it now supplies house cleaning services from Lands End almost up as far as Truro.  The service is available at just £4 per hour and those concerned about their personal safety should take comfort in the fact that only 13% of the customer base has taken a bashing from their cleaners and there have been as yet no fatalities.  Says Mike, "The buzness is rockin' 'ere.  We're coinin' it in!  I've booked up fer 7 days 'oliday over Sennen.  Cash on the nail!"

E. B. Nigh (53) of Nancegollan offers Christian Car Cleaning and Gardening Services.  Edward ("Call me 'Teddie'") Nigh has been a sidesman at Chapels all over West Penwith and he is also a keen singer of hymns.  It was after morning service at Nancegollan Methodist Chapel that he was inspired to set up a car cleaning and gardening services company staffed solely by Methodist fundamentalists, who would carry out their work whilst singing hymns selected by their customers from the Methodist Hymn Book.

The business has boomed.  He now has 746 singing employees out working for the company and praising the Lord all over Cornwall.  It is expected that the service will launch out over the Tamar into England next month.

Negotiations have also been held with the Liechtenstein Lutheran Church to import this successful recipe for 'working whilst praising' into that country.

X. S. Wind (45) of Boskednan Dolls is a contented man.  Xenophon, or "Xen" as he likes to be known, worked for many years on the cheese counter in the lower Kwop in Penzance, where he achieved a notoriety for not wearing trousers.  Then came the moment when he got the idea of setting up his own company.

He says, "Th'idea come to me in a flash - get your kids interested in the wider worl' with Cuddly Political Dolls!!"

From his Boskednan headquarters and factory (employing 2,500 people) his company now turns out thousands of versions of dolls of  'Cute Lovable Margaret Thatcher, Romantic Arthur Scargill, 'Brummie boy' idol Enoch Powell, 'Big softie really' Bob Crow and soulful Melanie Philips. Apparently, the favourite doll is Daring Dick Cole, set to become an MP, overseas in Westminster.

Xen asks us to point out that the 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Thatcher doll is now available for men (3 A4 batteries provided, but no bicycle pump.  He further advises that the sell-out 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Beckett doll is now out of stock.

5 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK

In the first of an occasional series, we reprint selected stories from our archives. How different Relubbus was just five years ago!

WEST CORNWALL IN SONG

The Reverend Bartholomew Peninula has been an advocate of the virtues of song for as long as he can remember. He has gathered singing talents from the lengths and breadths of Mouzel and environs to put together a ‘winning troupe’.

Pictured on the right of the Reverend gentleman are Mathew Laity (29) from Bologas, Martin Rodda (32) from Tresvennack, Davey Kneebone (41) from Chyenhal, Derek "Shortie" Semmens (37) from Trereife Smelting House, and Philadelpha Pentreath (71) from Kerris, sporting moustache and standing to the right.

The troupe will enter the West Cornwall singing contest with high hopes of getting through to the All-Cornwall event.




Little lost souls looking for a home

Just released from the Madron home for the criminally insane, Charlie Paynter and Madge Baragwaneth pictured here with their "cheeld" known as the "babby" are looking for a loving home in the West Cornwall area.

With several murders apiece, the deadly duo have caused something of a stir in a number of village communities. However, it is hoped that finding them a home in a larger community such as that of Penzance or Crows an Wra would provide the stability that these young folk need to keep them on the straight and narrow.

Offers of help from good Christian homes will be welcomed and should be addressed to the editor of the Roundup, who will forward them to the authorities.



Young "Woman" seeks position

Jemima Trevithal (24), formerly Michael Bollock, a granite quarryman from Rosecarne, is seeking a position as a lady’s maid to a lady of quality, preferably in the Penzance area.

Jemima describes herself as a realist with a cheerful disposition. "My maither d’say that I got winsome looks and oughtie ave been a young lady an I aren’t going to give up on my dream of being the best in the West as a lady’s maid."

Jemima is hopeful of being taken into a home of gentility, where she can further develop her feminine side to a point approaching some degree of credibility.

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Do you suffer from headaches? Do you have piles? Does excessive flatulence plague you in those tender moments of togetherness with the one you would love? Do you spend longer on the toilet than you would like? Do you have to wear incontinence nappies? Does your cat have to wear spectacles? Do you (or your cat) have halitosis? Do you suffer from having insufficient money? Do you have ginger hair?

If you have had to answer yes to any of these questions, then help is at last at hand! Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot's new Elixir promises you a new life!

The famous goatherd and alchemist, Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot (51), working from his eyrie at Mayon Green Crescent in Sennen, has, after many years, succeeded in perfecting a magic Elixir, which will take care of all these problems and more!

The ingredients of the elixir are, of course, a closely guarded secret, but Thelonius assures us that they are all distilled from naturally occurring substances found in the environs of Sennen and his goat compound. There is indeed a distinctly 'goatey' smell to the viscous brown fluid that is the elixir. (When quizzed by our Sennen reporter about the magic ingredients, Thelonius just gazed back from his mesmerisingly droopy eyes and said ...nothing.)

The cost of the Elixir is high at £195 for a 5 cl bottle but, as Thelonius says, "Wha's a few bob, when you're fixin' all they problems?"

Thelonius recommends a course of treatment at a bottle a day for fully seven years before the most difficult problems, such as ginger hair or no money, are completely vanquished.

Note: As the Roundup is keen to ensure that it takes advertising money only from bona fide traders - and from no charlatans - we would be happy to hear from anyone after their seven year course of treatment to assure us of the efficacy of Mr Polweath-Bergamot's Elixir.
Hanging by a thread..?

William Ladner (13), drummer of St Just Silver Band, has begun his annual fund-raising efforts for Comic Relief. William is suspended from a swinging trapeze secured only by the curve of his neck and the fervent hope that he will not drop to his death -- no safety net!

William intends to stay up -- without a break -- for 72 hours and all the while he will be playing drum solos, at 10 pence a time, as requested by the public.

Last year, William raised an astonishing 90 pence for good causes and he is determined to better that achievement this time round. William can be viewed -- hanging precariously -- at the Mousehole Methodist Youth Club from Thursday to Saturday.



Local Tycoon starts Charitable Foundation

Richard Quick, the West Cornwall building magnate, who is estimated to be worth some £35 million, has decided that it is time to share his wealth with the less advantaged in the community. He has started up a new charity called "Quick Money". The needy are requested to telephone the charity on an 0800 number and explain the nature of their need for cash. No call is expected to cost more than £4.50.

Tens of thousands of people are expected to call, since Mr Quick has promised to allot the lucky annual winner one of his homes on a holiday estate in Hayle.

When questioned by the West Cornwall Fraud Squad about certain flaws in the charitable nature of his new undertaking, Mr Quick brushed all criticisms aside with a flick of his cigarette, explaining that as long as someone benefited from the charity (possibly himself, in view of the volume of calls) no one was getting hurt.
Loopy Lesneweth is back in town!

Crowds gathered at the advance ticket office of the Sennen Picture House for the sell-out tour of the man they like to call Loopy Laughing Jack Lesnoweth of Lescudjack. The renowned petard amazes his audiences with his ability to blow out a candle at a distance of 35 feet by the sheer force of wind power. Loopy eats only baked beans and raw onions and likes to think that it is his rigid eating regime which keeps him on top of his game.

By day, Loopy works as a driver for St Erth Creamery. All his earnings from his evening entertainment work go to the Newlyn home for fallen Methodist young women, which explains why his act is strongly endorsed by the ministers of the St Just Methodist Circuit.

The Reverend Horton Bolitho commented that the Lord works in wondrous ways and stated that Loopy had been blessed by a divine wind.





Global Warming -- Watch Out!

Intrepid Cornish Inventor, Joseph Bodruggan from Copperhouse in Hayle, has done it again. Aware that the planet faces its greatest challenge in Global Warming, Joe has applied his restless mind to finding a practical solution.

The answer has come in the form of his "bikodrome". A skilled bike rider is balanced on the drum and peddles like mad. The drum turns, producing an electrical current, which can be made available to the National Grid. Joe’s plan is that every house should have a "bikodrome", powered by an illegal immigrant.

The Roundup is proud to have been able to bring you this story first -- before the Nationals.







Poetry Corner
Missus Ollis’s Cat
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School

Missus Ollis got a cat -- a ginger one -- called Timmy
I ad my eye on ee you see -- me and my mate, Jimmy.

She let n out jes after tea and we grabbed n as ee slinked past
We tied a banger to is tail and never seen n shift so fast.

Policeman Carne came after we, but we was bleddy smart
Ee walked up past where we was id -- laid still - we eard n fart.

But Missus Ollis tole my Ma and she then tole my Dad
Ee gived me ell and belted me - it never urt so bad.

I aren’t upset or nuthin -- tha’s jes the way it goes
I’ll get that bleddy cat again -- is no skin off my nose.

Philip Trudgeon (14)

Passed Ovver (Obituaries)

Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!

The first thing that some of our older readers do when they get their hands on their edition of the Roundup is to check up on who’s passed away. This month has seen the usual harvest of the Grim Reaper in the luscious lands of West Penwith and it is with great sadness that we convey the news that the following folk have gone to meet their maker:
Eliza Treloar (86), who lived most of her life as a man (Tommy Treloar, a building labourer with a penchant for sombreros), has died in the Barncoose psychiatric hospital for confused trans-sexuals.

Eliza, as she insisted on being known after her 66th year, had fathered a total of 62 children with 11 different mothers -- all over West Penwith. Amazingly, none of the mothers ever knew of or met any of the others. As he had been a jobbing labourer, it was always assumed that he was "away on a job" and never suspected that he could be away on the job.

Eliza continued working -- as a man -- until his 66th year, when he quit to apply for immediate admittance to the Barncoose hospital, where he swapped his sombrero for a flowing floral flamenco dress and castanets. He never left the hospital once and, when the mothers of his children separately found their way to the doors of the hospital, he denied all knowledge of both them and their children, screaming "I aren’t able to faither no children -- I’m a bleddy woman!"

The funeral will take place at Gluvias Street Methodist Church at 2.00 pm next Wednesday. Mourners will be welcome, but are asked to send no flowers. Instead they should feel free to contribute to the Treloar Abandoned Children’s Fund.

Isaac Trenery (45), a devoted amateur dramatist and much-loved local man, passed away quietly and most unexpectedly at home over the weekend. Mr Trenery worked on the Cheese counter at the Lower Co-op in Penzance since he left Heamoor School at the age of 15. He never married, despite his obvious popularity with the housewives, who were prepared to queue for hours to buy his cheese. He lived quietly at home with his mother and his pet gerbils, Cindy and Celandine. He discovered his dramatic bent rather late in life, becoming, at the invitation of a friend, a member of the West Cornwall Men’s Drama Group. Although he most often took girls’ parts, he did occasionally play men and is seen on the left in his favourite role of Macbeth in last year’s production at Nancledra.

Limpy Polglaze (67), owner of the popular Russian Revolutionary Shoe Shop in Bread Street, Penzance, passed away on Monday Night. Limpy leaves a widow, Agnes, and three adult children.

Limpy was a brilliant and colourful Penzance entrepreneur, who was always on the lookout to corner a market. He started his career by launching the Italian Operatic Fish and Chip Shop in Hayle. Tiring quickly, as he did, with every new idea, he moved on to his next "big opportunity" with the opening of Poseidon’s, his Underwater Bookshop, between Penzance Harbour and Battery Rocks. Losing interest in this venture (along with his entire stock and two staff members) following a bad winter storm, he began his theme of "big winners", a string of retail opportunities with different historical themes. Previous themes have included the Elizabethan Lavatory Company; the Tudor Television Company (featuring the world’s only entirely wooden TV set); Legionary’s, the Imperial Roman bakery and delicatessen; and also Atahuallpa’s, the Inca menswear company.

Limpy, a man unfazed by the fact that his left leg was a good four inches shorter than his right, was contented to the last. His funeral will take place at the Kiev-Pechersk Cave Monastery and afterwards (quite a bit afterwards) at the Truro Crematorium.

Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (54) passes on. Commuters from Penzance Railway station will have been familiar with the sight of Dickie Trevains and his banjo. With only one song in his repertoire, Dickie would go to the Station on his days off from work and pluck away enthusiastically at his banjo to accompany himself singing, in his falsetto voice, his Spice Girls’ favourite "Two become one".

Thought harmless until his unfortunate arrest some years back for exposing himself to passing schoolgirls, Dickie tried his best, despite his characteristic "toppest" top hat, to simply blend in with local society. He came to West Penwith at the age of 22 and worked for SWEB, then St Just Co-op, and finally Morrisons. Never marrying, he leaves his pet pig, Pauline, to the bacon counter at Morrisons.

LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup has been besieged by the unattached of West Penwith to offer an introduction facility. We are pleased to do so in this edition and hope that the young people featured here will soon find the partner of their dreams.

Looking for Love in Tredenneck
Lavinia Barnicoat (23) of Bosliven Lane, Tredinnick is looking for a man to complete her life. Lavinia lives at home with her widowed mother and works at the nearby Chynoweth farm as a labourer. Her interests are cross stitch, Sudoku, line dancing, making home-made candles, tormenting small animals, and music. Her passion is the jew’s harp, on which she can play the flight of the bumble bee at devastating speed. Her dream is to find a Prince Charming with whom she can share a life of luxury in a place like St Just, in a house with an inside toilet. Interested Romeos should reply to Box 3024.


In the mood for romance in Ludgvan

Amelia Lewellian (29) of Ludgvan is a catch for any young man. Only child of dairy farmer Ambrose Lewellian (78), she brings with her the warming prospect of the thriving farm in years to come. Close observers of her photograph will have noticed that, whilst Amelia has a fine head with a fetching face marred only by two hardly noticeable moles, she does lack a body. This has held her back in the courting stakes, as she finds it tricky to engage in any of the activities requiring a body. Ambrose hopes that the "farm’ll swing it. Plenty a boys out there ud luv to git their ‘ands on a farm like gis". Amelia remains hopeful. Box 2037 is the one to write to.


Shy but willing to try
Rachel Lanyon (27), a lap-dancer from Gwavas Estate in Newlyn, is a shy retiring girl looking for a similarly quiet man. She says that he should be of advanced years, poor in health, but very rich. "I aren’t a gold-digger. I duh jest find rich men easier to talk to." Rachel lists her interests as collecting old coins of the realm, antiques, jewellery, and fast cars. Her as yet unfulfilled dreams are to "'ave snails in some posh restaurant in Penzance and to do a bit o dogging at the Taj Mahal in India". Interested men (wealthy and over the age of 85) should write to Box 2047.



Fancy a bender?

Gay plumber, Thomas Nankervis (37) of Treave, is looking for a long term relationship. Tired of playing the gay scene in Treave, Thomas is looking to settle down. His interests are bowls, darts, model railways, collecting bus and train numbers, racing his toy yacht, and cooking and baking. Thomas also plays the triangle in Helston Silver band. Interested males, preferably from Treave, are asked to write to Box 4589.







Doctor looking for love

Dr Richard "Scatty" Botheras (42) is a colourful character on the St Ives social and medical scene. Hating dealing with illness and ailments, Scatty likes to cheer up all those he meets with jolly japes, laughs and fun. "Why worry about the illness that will soon have you dead, just have a laugh and a chuckle with me instead!"

With one of the shorter patient lists in medical history (he only had 52 patients left at time of writing), Scatty is looking for a woman to help him with his burden of caring for the sick in St Ives. Box 4521 is the one to write to.


Are you ready for the Boscobba experience?
Grace "Asbo" Friggens (25), of Penorven Drive, Boscobba, is looking for a brave man willing to give her a second chance. With a series of convictions for unprovoked spontaneous knife assaults on the young men of Boscobba, Grace has been finding it hard to form relationships.

Currently unemployed, it is her dream to find a young man with whom to settle down and make a home, preferably in Boscobba. With a population of just 35, this could be a tall order, as she has seriously injured all the young males currently living in the village. However, she fervently hopes that this serene picture of female pulchritude will lure young males from all around West Penwith. Box 2987 is the one to write to.





The Ladies are back!

Many readers have asked for another picture of the Gwithian Ladies Pedicycle Club. We cannot accede to Mr Bosher Thomas’s request for them to be shown in the nude, but they are modelling the latest in knitted cycle wear -- the next best thing.

Pictured, from the left, are June Beckerleg (26), Mary Hocking (24), Eliza Tonkin (25), Gracie Chellew (29), Martha Tregenza (18) and Faith Kelynack (19).

Since they only have the one bike between them, the ladies are keen to meet men of property in West Penwith, who would be prepared to invest in the Club. (No hanky panky!)