Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear



As regular readers will know, Enty May is a legend on the Roundup. She is famed for her role as an Agony Aunt, but it has been, until now, a closely guarded secret that she is a veritable Queen in the kitchen. The likes of Delia Smith and Nigella Lawson have often been seen sneaking into Enty May's kitchen in Colinsey Road, Penzance, to obtain a few tips to keep their flagging careers going.

Until now, Enty May has resisted the temptation to publish recipes in her own right. Now after a chat with her "friend", Sam Curnow, who keeps a fish shop in Causewayhead, Penzance, she has decided to release some of her closely guarded recipe secrets, starting with her famous Sherry and Bovril Cake.

Recipe for Enty May's Sherry and Bovril cake
Es well, You duh start off with th' gredients:

Two litres of cooking sherry
1 lb of self-raising flour
Tub o' lard
2 raisins
1 oz of iron filings
Bit salt
Jar o' Bovril
Two large glasses


This one 'ere is my speshul favrit. I duh make un Krismas, Easter, an twice a week fer the rest o' the year. It duh take a bit effort, so you duh want a frien' to come roun' fer a bit chat while you duh make ovun. All the 'gredients is vailable up Kwop.

1. First, fill up they large glasses with sum o that sherry -- you duh deserve ovun -- and 'ave a bit chat.

2. When the first bottle's empty, i's time to git on with the cake. Mix up the lard wi' the flour and add the iron filings and the all Bovril.

3. Stop for a bit more sherry 'n chat.

4. Then chuck unall in the cake tin, put the rasins on top and bungun all in th'oven and switch unon -- Gas mark 6 or 220 degrees Centigrade fer 'n 'our or two -- or till the sherry's finished.

5. Pullun out the oven and who care what ee duh taste like, but I duh bet ee's sum 'ansome!
Phone TELENAG Now!!

The careers of many single men are failing, when compared to those of their married colleagues. Relubbus scientists working on this phenomenon have now discovered that the retarded career progress of many single men may well be due to the fact that they lack the advantage of having a good woman at home, to nag them.

Married men receive -- completely free and unsolicited -- career guidance from their wives in the form of concentrated nagging. For instance, "Why did I ever marry you, you useless waste of space? I should have gone for Ronny Penhaligon, who was after me. He's got a good job with a car up Kerrier Council now!"

An alternative line might be something like "£150 a week down Holman's, you call that a job, you bleddy asshole?!"

Spurred on by helpful encouragement like that, married men can achieve great things in Cornwall. And the single man??!! He need be disadvantaged no more. Just 'phone TELENAG!!. It costs just £10 a minute. TELENAG is a new service for the single man!!

Pictured on the left is the hand-picked team of ladies (all from Tregeseal!) who provide 24 hour nagging cover for the single man, offering concentrated nagging on any subject you like.

You can be nagged about, for example:

  • Being unsuccessful in your job.
  • Your poor educational achievements
  • The poor state of your skin or teeth. (In fact, physical failings are something of a speciality for our girls, who will delight in dismantling your confidence about your sense of self-worth.)
Our girls are also brilliant about picking you up on the smallest failings, such as forgetting to put the rubbish out or leaving the toilet seat up.

So, single gents -- suffer no more -- you can be nagged as much as your married friends, by just calling TELENAG!! For only £10 per minute!!!

Pick up the 'phone now -- you know it makes sense -- Call St Just 4592345 for a nagging you'll never forget!


Latest report from our roving reporter Horton Tregarthen

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo flew into the recently completed Terminal 5 at Relubbus International Airport yesterday with some exciting news.

Speaking from the steps of the Council's Air Force 1, he told the assembled crowd of reporters that, while on holiday up London, he had wandered down Petticoat Lane and found that Charlie Tresidder (a quondam resident of Goldsithney) was selling off the O2 Arena (formerly known as the Millennium Dome), with the London Eye thrown in free.

Billy, fortuitously having the Council's petty cash box in his environmentally-friendly Kwop shopping bag, decided that the spare cash he had brought for "expenses" could be used to benefit the Council by buying the Dome.

Dome ready to be towed by tug around to Relubbus

After handing over £3. 17s. 6d to Charlie (and getting a receipt, to comply with the Council's standing orders), he telephoned his niece, local reporter Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, who passed the inside story on to the Roundup.

"'Ere", he told her, "that bleddy tent thing they cain't find a use fer up Lundun will come in 'andy fer putting over our new caravans on Mount Relubbus when it d git a bit windy."

The Eye is proving a little difficult to get back to Relubbus, so Billy is going to ring the NT and see if they will buy it for the new Trengwainton Wildlife Park.

He reckons they "smart buggers up there will be able to think of a way to raffle it off for their funds. But we d' think any nervous members can use it if they're a bit frightened of the new setup with all they there wild animals."