Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By our local Trengwainton correspondent, Horton Tregarthen
Following the successful planning application to site 20,000 caravans on St. Michael's Mount, the Cornish National Trust Committee 'ave now instructed its local property managers to come up with modernisation plans to increase the number of visitors at Trengwainton Gardens. At present there are more 'volunteer' stewards than there are visitors.

The National Trust committee for Heamoor 'ave today left on a week long business trip to meet Billy Spargo, the top Relubbus consultant on zoo design and animal care.

These 365 locally elected residents in the Trengwainton Gardens area (under the leadership of vocal local yokel, Tommy Botheras) feel that unless they duh bring in some new ideas then the attraction of viewing plain-looking plants will cease and people aren't goin' to come in. ("I aren't, for starters!", said Mr Botheras.)

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo has instructed that the 365 Heamoor residents be accommodated in the luxurious (one bathroom on each floor and as much toilet paper as you can use!) 1000 room Relubbus Hilton hotel.

The Committee's initial thoughts are that visits should be "a bit spiced up" by letting loose some 50 lions and 5,000 poisonous snakes in the grounds so that the visitors are guaranteed excitement.

Mr Botheras commented hopefully "Billy Spargo duh reckon that he duh knaw someone down to Goldsithney who duh 'ave 20 Bengal tigers in 'is garden, and ee's going down to chat 'im up to see if they can be put up Trengwainton".

Local Land Agent for the Trust at Trengwainton, Mr Jimmy Von Ribbentrop (whose Uncle Joachim -- shown on the left -- was a regular visitor to the Gardens, before he got strung up at Nuremberg), duh reckon that the membership will grow once the word gets around. He duh think that it will be particularly attractive to the Battlefield residents of Penzance when they duh knaw that they can hand feed real wild animals when taking their dogs out for a walk.

Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, the local reporter monitoring the proposed development, has been heard to say that her Uncle Billy from over to Relubbus is "sum bleddy excited" about the scheme, "even after they NT buggers done the dirty on the Council with caravans at St. Michael's Mount".


Ripples of surprise, then dismay, then shock, disturbed the habitual calm of the Relubbus Gymkhana world when the 13-year-old winner of the hunt seat equitation (13-15 year olds), Lucinda Trumpton-Biggsley-Thorpe, on her pony, Trollope, was revealed to be none other than 60-year-old public convenience maintenance operative, Horton Trembath, riding his "favourite four-legger" Alfonso (pictured above).

Simply by wearing a sou'wester and speaking in a (now obviously) suspiciously high-pitched voice, Horton managed to convince the judges that he was a 13-year-old girl. Perhaps even more difficult to explain is the fact that the judges failed to observe that Horton's mount owed a lot more to bovine then equine ancestry.

It then emerged that none of the judges had driven to the event, but all had had to be chauffeured to it because of their poor vision. The chairman of the judges, Mr Jethro Bolitho, pictured on the left, and the only member of the fourteen judges not registered blind (but nonetheless suffering from very poor vision) did claim that he could distinctly perceive some movement when "that girl with the funny voice" came on. "She had to be worth the prize", he said, as he "couldn't see a bleddy thing when they other little maids was supposed to be on their 'osses!"

Outraged parents, all of them sighted, complained when the award was made to Mr Trembath, who, after receiving his prize from the judges, freely confessed to being "the toilet man from Morvah".


Readers are invited to seek Enty May's benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body, and human relations in general.

Enty May has a background in long term psychiatric care. Several readers have asked to know more about Enty's background:

Enty May grew up in the White Hart pub in Mount Street, Penzance. Her sensitivity revealed itself early in the squeamishness she displayed at 8 years old when playing "bash the bullcod with a bleddy git stone" down at Larrigan rocks with the other boys.

Popular with the other children because of her ability to lay her hands on fags and drink, she sadly discovered at the age of 7 that this was the only reason for her popularity.

She then became something of a loner, having no friends at Primary School and gaining only the one friend, Denzil "Chalkie" Polkinghorne, later at "Skudjack" school.

It was at the age of 13 that she became "disorientated", and had to enter the Ponsanooth Home for the Badly Confused, her mother refusing to let "my little boy g' wup Bodmin". Weaned off the alcohol and the fags, she (though still living as a boy called Trevor) dimly realised that gender reassignment had to be a part of her future. Long years of introspection followed at the home and eventually she re-emerged into the world as a young woman of 25, where she assumed the name of May and began life as a traffic warden

Enty found that everything fell into place for her after surgery. The experiences of her earlier life and her fulfilling profession as a traffic warden (at Tremethick Cross) over the past 35 years have provided her with insights she is only too ready to share with others. Enty is well equipped to help others who are struggling with life's journey and to give them sound advice. For example:

Alice from Tregeseal writes:

"Dear Enty, I kent seem t' get my pasties crimped proper, they duh sometimes fall apart when in the oven. 'Elpmekennee?"

Enty responds: 'Es my cock, my sparrow -- a lot of people duh 'ave this problem. Easy way to do ov un is to use superglue -- lash un on both sides and ee'll stick proper.

Anonymous from Penalverne Estate, Penzance writes:

"Dear Enty, A friend of mine 'ave noticed that 'is willy 'ave become infected. Is still there, but bits 'ave fallen off. 'Elpunoutkenee?"

Enty responds: Es yo, my bird. I can' 'elp thinking that you duh see this friend when you duh look in the mirror! Never mind, my 'ansome, the answer's the same. Dip un in concentrated sulphuric acid for 5 minutes five times a day for five weeks. After that, one way or t'other, yer problem ul be gone!

Badger Benbow from Marazion writes:

"Dear Enty, I aren't gonna say that I aren't 'appy, but it do 'appen that I aren't as 'appy as I duh dearly like t' be. My wife lef' me las' week an' run off with the milkman an' I'll break 'is bleddy neck, if I duh see un again. I cum 'ome las' night from work and foun' my 'ouse 'ave fall down some bleddy mineshaft. What with one thing an' another, I've 'ad un up to 'ere. Where can I lay me 'ans on some o' they 'appy pills?"

Enty responds: Well, Cap'n, you 'ave bin in the wars, 'ebnee? Never mind, Viagree idn the enswer in this case. All you duh need is the love of a good woman an, guess what, yer luck is in! I aren't doin nuthin tonight and you can give me a call on Penzance 786542 and cum roun' fer a cup tay an a saffern bun. Awright, my bird? I'll be waitin for ee, my luvver!

Wilton and Nicholls of the Terrace, Penzance

proudly reveal today our latest innovative aid -- on special offer to inmates of the Relubbus Home for the Confused -- the zimmerframe with Sat-Nav.

The picture shows Shiner Treglown trying out the Mark 1 model.

This astounding piece of kit is a boon for old folk, who may, for instance, go out for a bit of fresh air down to St. Erth and then become totally disorientated. Programmable by the carer, it issues voice instructions to the walker, helping them get back (to the) home. The option exists for the voice to get increasingly louder and to be accompanied by encouragements such as "You silly old bugger!", if no correct movements are detected. This brilliant device is normally on sale at £7,540 plus VAT.

However, it will be made available to residents of the Relubbus Home at the special price of only £7,535 plus VAT

Billy Spargo, Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), has informed us that the Council are going to hold a raffle for three of these frames, and that tickets costing £350 each will be on sale at Trevaskis Stores in the near future.