Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By our award-winning political correspondent, Rendell Janner

The Union of Kernow States, led by the economic and military powerhouse of Greater Relubbus, has issued a unilateral declaration of independence (UDI) from England, declaring Kernow -- like Scotland and Wales -- to be a separate nation within the United Kingdom.

The picture shows the gigantic statues of the ancient kings of Cornwall that have been erected at the entrance to the Tamar road bridge. These colossal figures -- hewn from Prospidnick granite -- are, according to
Councillor Billy Spargo, Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), intended to emphasise that the Tamar is an international border and that England stops at its banks.

Councillor Spargo has stated that the official language of the newly-independent state will be Kernewek Kemmyn. In an ironic reversal of what happened in the sixteenth century, English will be banned from public life. The English Book of Common Prayer will be outlawed and church services will be conducted throughout in Kernewek (although Latin will also be permitted).

In future, all legal documents must be written in Kemmyn. Henceforth, any contracts written in English will be considered void.

Likewise, all public business, including council meetings and court hearings, will be conducted in Kernewek, although in criminal trials simultaneous English translations will be made available to Sowsnek malefactors, so that they are able to understand the dread sentences meted out to them.

In a concession to emmet tourists, road signs will be dual-language (though the English version will follow the Cornish and be in rather small letters).

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TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.


All eyes are set upon the Prospidnick Institute of Decorative Patisserie at which, on 20th January 2009, there is a handover of power from the outgoing President, Mr Daftasa Brush to the sparkling new President, Mr By-Rock Hussein O’Barmer.

Located as it is on the grounds of the prestigious Prospidnick American Hospital, the Institute is patronised almost exclusively by Americans. The post of President is therefore keenly fought over by Americans and the Presidential contest is closely watched by Americans around the world.

American television networks are therefore expected to flood into Prospidnick to cover the inauguration of the new President and to broadcast his inaugural address, in which he will outline his vision for the future and his primary goals for the four year term of his office.

The outgoing President did not exactly cover himself with glory during his period of office. He seemed to struggle with the simple things like opening the right doors, holding a book the right way up and walking in a straight line WITHOUT looking like a monkey. He also had great difficulties in controlling his facial muscles and even found speaking a challenge beyond his capabilities on many occasions, when he would seem to invent words, which he then uttered with all the desperation of a pet puppy trying to please.

The Americans are now pleased to be able to rid themselves of this “embarrassment on legs” and turn with fresh hope towards the promise offered by the new President, pictured here at his Prospidnick hideaway with his family. In a nation historically challenged by racial division, he embodies ready-made solutions in his very own persona, as reflected even in his name.

The first element “By-Rock” reflects Methodist fundamental roots, whereas the “Hussein” element plays well with the Muslim community. The last name, “O’Barmer”, is a complex one, which appeals both to the significant Irish community as well as to many in Europe, since Barmer is the name of a German health insurance vehicle. All in all, he seems to present the perfect package.

The guest of honour at the inauguration will, of course, be none other than the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Billy Spargo (97) himself (pictured here 30 years ago on holiday in Porthcurno).

Mr Spargo is estranged from his wife and it is believed that he will be accompanied by his new ‘love interest’ Dita von Teese (24), whose months of throwing herself at the great man have eventually paid off.

(The couple met at an anagram weekend in a sauna in Sancreed, where Miss Teese (shown here on the left) revealed that her name was an anagram of ‘Neatest Video’ and that his was an anagram of ‘Pay Big Rolls’. He corrected her by telling her that his name was an anagram of ‘Slob Girl Pay’).

Spargo’s presence means that the event will also be broadcast on Relubbus National Television, RNT or ‘Our Enty’, thereby guaranteeing a global audience of 1,900 million. We are sure that the people of Relubbus will join their great leader, Chairman Billy Spargo, in extending the hands of friendship to the new President and in wishing him every success and happiness.