Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By our Financial Correspondent, Duane Polkinghorne
Billy Spargo, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), is to address an emergency meeting of the G-20 to be held in New York early next week.

The G-20 is a group of twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors from 19 of the world's largest economies, plus the EU. Collectively, the G-20 economies comprise 90% of global GNP and 80% of world trade.

However, one notable absentee from the group is Relubbus, whose resilient "Celtic tiger economy" has expanded massively in recent years and whose GNP now stands second only to that of the US.

Until now, Relubbus, under the canny leadership of Chairman Spargo, has resolutely refused to ally itself with any international trading blocs other than the Union of Kernow States. The latter, comprising, besides Relubbus itself, Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, has emerged, under the leadership of Relubbus, as the planet's leading energy supplier. Indeed, the GRUC Council Chamber alone produces huge quantities of natural gas, while the vast wind farm at Cripplesease generates sufficient electricity to power the UK national grid.

It is understood that Councillor Spargo, in agreeing to address the NY meeting, is responding to a desperate plea from the world's leaders. As the global financial crisis deepens, they regard the support of Relubbus as the only way to avert a total meltdown of the world economy.

Mr Spargo is expected to solve the international crisis by pledging to underwrite the national debts of the US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, India, and China. He could do this by drawing on the vast reserves of the Relubbus Central Bank (shown above) -- rumoured to be in the region of £17 6s 8d!

TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.


Agnes Treglown (98), President of the Penzance branch of the Silver Thread, based at Penlowarth, and voted Sex Goddess of the Century in 1931 by the members of the Tregavarah cycling, ukelele and Gilbert and Sullivan Society, was selected this year to switch on the magnificent Relubbus Christmas Lights, which illuminate the whole 5 mile length of fashionable Boswedden Lane.

Amongst the VIP guests who flocked to Relubbus for the occasion were His Royal Highness Prince Hans-Adam II of Lichtenstein, together with his charming wife, Queen Tracey, formerly of 14 Colinsey Road in Penzance.

President-elect Barack Obama (pictured here on the left in heavy disguise for security purposes!) and family were official state guests of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman, Billy Spargo (87); the Aga Khan attended with his four wives, all called Doris; Italian wigwearer and politician Silvia Burlesque-only was there with his new love-interest, Mrs Osama (just call me ‘Goky’) Bin Laden; UK House of Commons Speaker, Michael Martin was also an enthusiastic participant in the festivities, losing no opportunity to tell people how he had ‘sorted’ Tory MP troublemakers.

Of course, the credit crunch around the world has had no impact on the Relubbus economy whatsoever. People seem to be spending wildly as never before.

The flagship RC Oates Superstore, shown here on the left together with some of the other 'lights of Relubbus', has apparently been 'raking it in'.

At the store (now officially named by the Guinness Book of Records as the largest store there has ever been and ever will be in the world) Mr Oates has splashed out (some talk in terms of amounts exceeding £15!!!) on extra special lighting to pull in the crowds.

In the lavish entertainment programme which followed the big ‘switch-on’, VIPs, celebrities and as many of the vast crowd that could, flooded into the cavernous majesty of the Grand Golden West Theatre, where they were treated to a spectacular rendition of old favourites from the world-famous Rosudgeon Showtime band, shown here on the left.

To the delight of Agnes Treglown and all her friends from the Silver Thread, the band played many old favourites including Itler, ‘ee only ‘ad one ball, which was, by request, played sixteen times.

Next on the bill came the Andrews Sisters (Barb, Brenda and Betty) from up ‘Eamoor. The glamorous girls - all of whom used to work in Simpsons of Penzance before fame came knocking on their door - had their hair done especially at world-renowned coiffurier Shelley's of Fore Street, St Just before appearing in the show.

To the delight of the huge crowd, they sang some of their greatest hits including I never knew Santa did that with a reindeer!, I won’t fart under the mistletoe!, and Bill Clinton gave me his cigar!

The ‘grand finale’ was provided by the award-winning St Just Waste Operatives Female-Impersonation and Dance Troupe. From left to right are shown Billy Kelynack (34), Archilaus Trembath (41), Dick (“an’ Dora”) Angove (33), Windy Treglown (54 and the star of the troupe, who claims to have stopped wearing trousers 30 years ago); Gwen Upsnoostaree (35), and, lastly, twin brothers Bob and Bert Botheras (36).

By day, they all man the dust carts of West Penwith, but come evening they transform themselves into the picture of female pulchritude you see in the attached snap. Accompanied only by Dougie Blewett on solo triangle and to rapturous applause from the audience, they performed a breathtaking tap routine, which entranced young and old alike.

As the capacity audience of 30,000 departed from the building at the end of the show, they all averred that the splendid show marked the end of a splendid day. But then, they had the treat of walking down a Boswedden Lane with Christmas illuminations which put all other shows to shame.

Meanwhile, Agnes and her friends were whisked away by the waiting Western National Bus (driven by Sidney Rosewarne (52) of St Erth) back to the warm comforting glow of the Lariggan Home for the Terminally Confused.

One occupant of that bus, Agnes herself, was thinking back to the days when the Chairman of that Tregavarah Club - Mr Madron Bolitho - pronounced her Sex Goddess of the Century.

Our correspondent, hitching a ride back to his pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance, was asked by Agnes whether he would publish a picture of Agnes "back in them days". He replied "'Course I'll do un for ee, my luvver", and here it is -- the young Agnes in earlier days!