Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By Business Correspondent O. P. Opie

These pages are usually given over to descriptions of the latest colourful power moves by local magnates such as Mr R.C. Oates and Mr W.G. Trevaskis, whose constant battles for supremacy in the hothouse that is Relubbus' business life are marked by daily cuts and thrusts that send the stockmarkets aspin.

Today, however, we take a look at some of the promising younger businesses in Relubbus that might offer the adventurous investor the opportunity of a lifetime.

Each business is the creation of an inspired young local entrepreneur and we have invited each of them to introduce their business here.

R.U. Bent (23) ("Call me "Rodney!') is a sensitive young man whose extreme closeness to his feminine side made growing up on Gwavas Estate more challenging than would otherwise have been the case.

Two years ago he set up Tranny Taxis of Newbridge and is hugely proud of the 12 car fleet he now has to offer his many clients.  All the drivers are either transsexuals or transvestites and all of them hold advanced driver's licences as well as qualifications in emergency make-up and 'rescue' fashion advice.

Rodney freely admits that he borrowed heavily on the business model of the unexpectedly lucrative Gay Taxi Company of Long Rock, but as he boldly states "There's 'nuff room fer both o' we.  We's Penwith is 'eavin wi' queer folk."

C.E. Drekkly (29) is a Rosudgeon man.  On leaving prison after serving a 6 year sentence for embezzlement and aggravated lies and deception, Charlie found that many doors were closed to him --  including those of his former professions of spiritual healer and financial adviser.

He quickly realised that he would have to employ himself - to set up his own business.  He hit upon the idea of providing hot air balloon trips and thus Bodrifty Family Hot Air Balloons was born.  Bodrifty balloons are launched at Lands End.

The 'basket'is a normal hot air balloon basket, but the  'lift' is provided by 16 helium-filled party balloons. This severely restricted lift potential tends to lead to an automatic fall, once the basket is pushed off the edge of the cliff, but it is sufficient to ensure that the descent is not as dangerously rapid as it might otherwise be.

However, the sensation of travel has been exciting enough to attract thousands of people (all emmets to date) to part with the necessary £1,400, which is the cost of this one way -- and, indeed, in 98% of cases, final -- trip.  Says Charlie, "I emt never looked back; the moneyz pourin' in!"

M. T. Head (32) ("Mos' people duh jes' call me Mike!") of Trewern Jailbird House Cleaning Service (TJHCS) has concerned himself with a challenge very similar to that solved by Charlie - namely how to find gainful employment for those newly released from prison, particularly in the case of those who have served time for extremely violent crimes.

Mike came up with the brilliant idea of using violent ex-cons in house cleaning, as they tend to have spent a large period of time in a confined space, which most of them have become anal about keeping clean.

Thus TJHCS was born and it now supplies house cleaning services from Lands End almost up as far as Truro.  The service is available at just £4 per hour and those concerned about their personal safety should take comfort in the fact that only 13% of the customer base has taken a bashing from their cleaners and there have been as yet no fatalities.  Says Mike, "The buzness is rockin' 'ere.  We're coinin' it in!  I've booked up fer 7 days 'oliday over Sennen.  Cash on the nail!"

E. B. Nigh (53) of Nancegollan offers Christian Car Cleaning and Gardening Services.  Edward ("Call me 'Teddie'") Nigh has been a sidesman at Chapels all over West Penwith and he is also a keen singer of hymns.  It was after morning service at Nancegollan Methodist Chapel that he was inspired to set up a car cleaning and gardening services company staffed solely by Methodist fundamentalists, who would carry out their work whilst singing hymns selected by their customers from the Methodist Hymn Book.

The business has boomed.  He now has 746 singing employees out working for the company and praising the Lord all over Cornwall.  It is expected that the service will launch out over the Tamar into England next month.

Negotiations have also been held with the Liechtenstein Lutheran Church to import this successful recipe for 'working whilst praising' into that country.

X. S. Wind (45) of Boskednan Dolls is a contented man.  Xenophon, or "Xen" as he likes to be known, worked for many years on the cheese counter in the lower Kwop in Penzance, where he achieved a notoriety for not wearing trousers.  Then came the moment when he got the idea of setting up his own company.

He says, "Th'idea come to me in a flash - get your kids interested in the wider worl' with Cuddly Political Dolls!!"

From his Boskednan headquarters and factory (employing 2,500 people) his company now turns out thousands of versions of dolls of  'Cute Lovable Margaret Thatcher, Romantic Arthur Scargill, 'Brummie boy' idol Enoch Powell, 'Big softie really' Bob Crow and soulful Melanie Philips. Apparently, the favourite doll is Daring Dick Cole, set to become an MP, overseas in Westminster.

Xen asks us to point out that the 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Thatcher doll is now available for men (3 A4 batteries provided, but no bicycle pump.  He further advises that the sell-out 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Beckett doll is now out of stock.


With a new format for our famous Lonely Hearts Section.!!!

Rodney Tregear, a 34 year old bachelor, who lives in the conservatory of his remarried sister's house at Rosudgeon, has volunteered to run the Roundup's new Lonely Hearts Section.

As he says, "I bin 'ppylin' fer maids 'ere fer years and I duh knaw pzackly what people duh need to knaw.  I set 'n up 'ere neow proper fer other people to use like."

The following young folk are looking for love and are hopjng that when you see their picture and read their words according to Rodney's inspired new format, you will want to find out more......

Nehm: Jasper Nancarrow

'Ow old izza: 29

Zatooa (as in "Wherza  too ah?"): Ovver  Marazion wi' Ma'.   Faither passed on years ago.

Dooa: (as in Wassadooa?"): Fart Collector fer the council

Skills: 'Andy with a bicycle repair kit and duh play armonikee sum luvely!

Lookin' fer: ''Ansome Cornish maid 'tween 16 and 108, what duh mek a proper pasty like Ma do. I'm ptiklar 'bout my 'air and would like fer she to be 'airdresser too, if possible. - maybe one o' they li'l maids from Shelley's up St Just..  Ma would like gat too.  I duh clect dead seabirds and would luv to learm ow to stuff ovun proper - specially the older wans, what are neow 6 year old  and startin' to go off ( I got 432 out in the shed!!)"

Nehm: Mavis Tink

'Ow old izza: 17

Zatooa: Sancreed

Dooa: Nothin yet.  Lookin to become a mawther after Mr Addicoat's speshul afterskool lessuns wot I ad up t' Chrismas.

Skills: Ebbent got too many o they yet, but I'm only young yet

Lookin' fer:  "A nice man wi money to take care of me and the baby w'as on the way.  I duh dearly love kiddies and duh want t' ave lots more.  My dream is tuh 'ave a  professionul usbent like a doctor err a teacher err sumin like gat.  'Ow ever 's long as ee's young enuff t' ave kiddies, 's alright wi me.  Next month is bath month and that would be a nice time fer 'opeful men to come roun 'ere, speshully as I am 'opin' tuh gett new underwear then too, which I shall also wear as a blushin bride."

Nehm: Horton Kneebone

'Ow old izza:    38

Zatooa: Dolphin Inn, Newlyn

Dooa: Las' remaining artist o' the Newlyn School.  I duh paint and I duh get a bit pissed up neow an again, but `I duh paint sum lovely.  Las' year I sold 'nuff pictures to keep me in beer fer the rest o'the year.

Skills:  Paintin' o' course an' also decoratin' if I really 'ave to.

Lookin fer:  "I duh ideally wunt to 'ave a relationship wi' that maid oo knocked me ovver in Warrens las' week.  She was sum proper, boy - big girl!  But anyone, what duh look like she, 's alright wi' me.  She'd look like Dawn French do, 'cept not so pretty and maybe coupla sizes bigger.  I bleeve she said she' d work down Penlowarth."

Nehm: Clarence Clemo

'Ow old izza: young 62

Zatooa: Own caravan up Scorrier

Dooa:  I'm a freelance brain surgeon and carpet fitter.  Turn me 'and to anythin', I can.

Skills:  Scorrier record-holder for not going to toilet fer the longest (15 days - see photo!)

Lookin' fer: "Young lady 'oo will appreciate self-made young man o' means.  I duh share my 'ome wi my two older brothers, so would like a maid oo won't mind squeezin'up a bit."