Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Single mother Florence Tresidder (32) and her charming daughters Colostomy-Belle (13) and Jallopy-Jane (15) are looking for somewhere to stay, and possibly a new home for good, after an unfortunate incident at their Colinsey Road, Penzance, home last week; and after the trauma of a false accusation of grievous bodily harm brought against her two sweet and wholly innocent daughters.

With orders drying up for her specialist product of basket-woven babies’ nappies, Florence was faced with the horrendous prospect of having to go back on the game near Penzance bus station in order to keep the family financially afloat.

Horrified at the prospect of their mother being forced to pursue this wretched occupation on the streets, the two little treasures helpfully and reasonably suggested that their mother should instead advertise for gentlemen callers to come round to the house, so that mother wouldn’t be out in all weathers and so that the girls would continue to remain in sufficient funds to pay for their ‘pick-me-up’ habits and other reasonable teenage expenses.

That is where chronically nervous Morrison’s trolley operative, Douglas Addicoat (35), came in.

He saw an advert saying Attractive female therapist, trained in the relief of male nervous conditions, offers Harlot-street quality service at prices you can afford in her own palatial Penzance home.”

Discussing the situation under extreme, but familiar, difficulties with his profoundly deaf mother, Artemis (96), Douglas was authorised by his doting Mum to pay “Miss Tresidder” a visit.

On arriving at the Colinsey Road home, he claims that he was immediately set upon by the two teenagers, both of whom were far bigger than him. After an alleged four hours of torture, Douglas was, he alleges, relieved of his trousers, his glasses and the £27.56 cash he was carrying.

Addicoat claims that the girls wanted to “jes' warm ‘n’ up a bit” and made a bonfire in the kitchen on which to ‘warm’ him. The fire then got out of control and the house burnt down, making the Tresidder family homeless.

The girls claim that they were terrified by the threatening behaviour of Addicoat when he arrived at the house. Weeping uncontrollably, they said that they had no idea how Mr Addicoat had acquired the various cuts, bruises, burns and dislocations he displayed.

Asked where the mother had been in all of this, they replied that they had carried her out of the house before Addicoat had even arrived, because she ‘ad bin took sum poorly after drinkin’ a cuppla bottles o’ gin, which must’ave bin off”.

The investigating policeman, PC Carne, was touched by the obvious terror of the traumatised girls and, seeing nothing but innocence in their sobbing, pleading eyes, locked up Addicoat so that he could face the magistrates.

Meanwhile, this charming trio of Tresidder females is now looking for a temporary or, if you are so minded, permanent - home.

Can you offer a home to this clutch of poor disadvantaged females (including a ‘workroom’ for mother)?

If so, contact the editor of the Roundup and we will arrange for them to be delivered.