Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Barely stabilised by the comfort blanket of the trappings of power in Downing Street, Gordon Brown refused to recognise the growing rolling force of the polling figures, which place his Labour Party at its worst ever standing since the days of Keir Hardy.

As the full extent of the woodworm of corruption in Labour’s body politic was revealed, even disgraced Government Ministers have been thinking out loud about life after parliament and politics.

Hazel Blears, who recently failed in her attempt to secure a post with the Greater Relubbus
Urban Council (GRUC), is now set to bring out a book entitled “Motor Cycle Maintenance on Expenses”, whilst Alisdair Darling (pictured here in one of his eccentric toilet photographs) is also bringing out his own tax guide entitled ‘Capital Gains Tax and Flipping Houses’.

However, it is now believed that Brown has been forced to accept that the time has come to say “farewell Darling”. This will be achieved in a major re-shuffle to be announced later this week.

Despite a failed attempt to lure Archie Trezise (84), bookkeeper for Shelley’s Hair & Beauty at St Just, to be the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, Brown is said to be reasonably content to have to fall back on his No.2 choice, Ed Balls, the 12-year-old short-trousered gofer in the Schools Ministry, to take on the job.

Although Balls (pictured here playing after school with his best mate 'Angela' Burnham) is known to have learning difficulties -- particularly where arithmetic is concerned -- he is very loyal and ‘respectful’, where Brown is concerned, always referring to him as "Sir".

In a desperate attempt to appeal to the country with a re-shuffled government of all the talents to keep himself in a job and in funds, Brown is known to have approached several ‘big names’. His dream cabinet would include “The Lone Ranger’ at the Foreign Office, assisted by ‘Tonto’ (stage name Hughie Green) as Home Secretary, Lassie the Dog as Defence Minister, and Pinkie and Perkie to take on the Health and Education briefs.

Apparently, no one has had the heart to tell poor old Gordy that these dreams are not realisable, because these personages are no more.

However, all is not exactly well in the Tory camp either. The Tory Boy Eton Shadow cabinet (which still practises ‘fagging’) is apparently led by a ‘David Cameron’.

However the Roundup can exclusively reveal that DNA analysis has shown that Cameron is none other than an old - yes, very old - Tory friend.

Underneath the copious make-up, one can clearly see that he is nothing other than Sir Alec Douglas Home. The Tories seem to be serving up warmed-up Old Etonians, behind a two-man diversionary shield of Tubby Pickles and Baldie Hague, in the hope that we will not notice this blatant attempt by ‘the ruling class’ to re-assert their seigneurial rights over the people.

The ‘plausible alternative’ cover of the Liberals was blown by ex-leader Minger Campbell (209), when he claimed on Question Time that non-adherence to the House of Commons rules was explained by the fact that they were ‘just guidance’. New Leader, Click Nugg (17) has been desperate to try to scramble past that dreadful sentence, which wrecked a lifetime in politics for old Minger. Nugg has desperately tried to get to some higher ground, but, alas, all in vain.

Then there are the fringe parties. Foremost amongst these for sheer eccentricity is UKIP, led by fanatic mental patient, ‘nervous’ Nigel Barrage. ‘Nervous’ is kept near stable by the efforts and entire chemical output of Glaxo Smithkline. However, so tenuous is his link to the realms of normal human consciousness that no one but other folk mentally maintained by chemical outputs can be expected to favour him and his odd crew.

The BNP was almost not mentioned at all here following a fatwah to that effect by the Methodist Fundamentalist Bishop of Relubbus, His Proper Job Eminence Ernie Penrose. However, since the Bloody Nazi Party (BNP) will be fielding candidates in the forthcoming elections, we feel that it must be covered.

Since the benighted folk (pictured is the leader they really wish to have) who vote BNP have not noticed that there is no longer a Reichstag, representation within which they are ‘fighting’ for, any idiot who wishes to support them may feel free to do so, although this may not (but probably will) qualify them for residential treatment in a secure home.

This leaves the Green Party, led by the ultra-photogenic Laroline Cukas, who advocates replacing airplanes with hot air balloons. Providing that the balloons are two-person vehicles and that my ‘driver’ will be Laroline, they would get my vote.

But that is all academic, since I am a proud and happy citizen of Spargo’s Relubbus!!


Local councillor, preacher, soprano soloist, amateur virologist and full-time blacksmith, Hewi Dewi Trethewey (42, Cornish dad, Welsh mum), has come up with some practical ideas to help combat the wave of teenage pregnancy that has swept Relubbus along with the rest of the developed world.

Hewi, of Mary Whitehouse Cottage in Bram Lane, Relubbus, is pictured on the left. He is an ordinary man, who describes himself as “just an ordinary man”.

However, he is convinced that there are severe limits to the results that can be achieved in managing soaring teenage pregnancy rates by education and advice alone.

Accordingly, he has spent months developing his “Virginity Suit”, which he believes should be compulsory 24-hour-a-day wear for all young people between the ages of 11 and 21.

It comes with breathing apparatus and, given the weight of the metal and the need for reinforced security in what Trethewey coyly terms ‘the trouser region’, the suit is reasonably flexible, allowing almost 65% of normal body movements.

The paramount aim in the design of the suit is to render completely impossible any bodily contact between the wearer and any other young person -- or indeed anyone or anything dead or alive.

The suit, once donned, cannot be removed except by Mr Trethewey himself. To cater for the long period of usage (10 years for any 11 year old) each suit is made in the same large size to cater for growth.

Hygiene has also been a powerful consideration in the design and the suit contains an ingenious series of one-way valves to permit ‘flush-down’, so as ‘to keep things clean inside’.

Trethewey proposes that the State purchases one of these suits for everyone between the ages of 11 and 21 and argues that there are powerful economic as well as moral reasons for the wearing of such suits.

Whilst those with an underdeveloped appreciation of economics might see the end of the story in Mr Trethewey’s netting around £200 million for 400,000 of his suits at £500 a go, the more far-sighted would also see huge savings in no longer having to deal with the social havoc that results from teenage pregnancies.

The authoritative and internationally respected Relubbus Office For Doin' ‘Ard Sums (ROFDAS) has calculated the cost of this scourge of society at £300 million each year. Whilst this may be a conclusive argument in itself, Mr Trethewey also adds that the savings to families in the cost of clothes and soap for the ‘children’ during their suit-wearing growing period will be enormous.

The Trethewey proposal is to come before a full meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council next Tuesday evening. Mr Trethewey, who, at his own expense, has put on a pasty supper for all the Councillors that evening, is hopeful of a positive outcome.