Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By Diplomatic and Sports Correspondent Rendell Janner

Huge anti-Chinese demonstrations greeted the arrival of the Olympic torch in Relubbus yesterday, during the Kernow stage of its progress around the world. The picture above shows the torch at the start of its journey down Boswedden Lane, guarded by a motor cycle escort, armed riot police, and a sinister gang of blue track-suited Chinese "torch minders".

Tens of people lined both sides of the street, with rival groups hurling vociferous abuse at each other.

A large posse of Chinese students, many of whom had apparently been "bussed in" from as far afield as Camborne Tech., cheered the torch on its way.

However, they were opposed by larger groups of exiles from the People's Republic of Hayle, protesting at the Chinese annexation of their country. The picture below shows one such group, who chanted "Save Hayle!" and "Free Hayle now!"

Since Chinese troops first marched into Hayle in 1950, replacing its elected government with a puppet regime run by Chinese officials, the world has, by and large, found it convenient to turn a blind eye. The Hayle spiritual leader, the fundamentalist Methodist Rev. Savonarola Polkinghorne, was forced to flee to Relubbus, where he set up a government-in-exile. Over the years, the Haylor community in Relubbus has been swelled by more and more refugees from the so-called "People's Republic".

At various points along the route, small groups of protesters attempted to seize the torch, but were easily -- and harshly -- beaten off by the torch minders. Despite the loud protestations of the Hayle exiles and their Relubbus allies, it looked as if the procession would pass off without serious inconvenience to the torch bearers.

However, as the procession reached the end of Boswedden Lane, from the track to Hard Struggle farm a herd of of some eighty to ninety Herefords suddenly appeared. Urged on by whoops and firecrackers, they charged wildly into the torch procession, scattering motor cyclists, police and torch minders in every direction.

It was at this moment that the experimental llama herd, mysteriously "appropriated" from the DEFRA research centre at Noongallas, charged from the opposite direction.

At the height of the chaos a small "hit squad" of seven or eight men, rumoured to be from Relubbus rugby club, "mauled" the torch away from its bearer and "rucked" it to waiting hands in the rear, who hastily carried it away. They then set about "liberating" the back-up torches.

Speaking afterwards, the Rev. Polkinghorne said: "Issa vict'ry fer bleddy democracy, 'ass wot a is! Nex' week, when they duh go t' Japan, the buggers ul 'ave uh nother bleddy torch, but ee won't be the real one, an' ee won't be one o' they 'backups', neither. The buggers ul 'ave tuh make a fake un!"


Artist, poet, and musician Chebney Quistle speaks to the Roundup

The Relubbus Roundup will be running a series of "big name" interviews and, to launch the series, is proud to be able to publish an interview between none other than Renaissance man, Chebney Quistle (64), and star Roundup reporter, Loveday Liddicoat (34). As Mr Quistle is resident near Vaduz, Lichtenstein, Ms Liddicoat availed herself of the new Western National Bus Services from Relubbus to Vaduz Station, taking a day return saver ticket at the incredible price of only £4 15s 3d.

Mr Quistle, an Englishman who has come to love Cornwall, has through his numerous paintings, musical compositions, prose and poetry written to the glory of Cornwall, made himself dear to many a true Cornishman.

He came to live in Boskednan near New Mill as a young man of 23 back in 1932. He acquired his great love of the Cornish natural world by walking in the hills around his new home.

It was only the dark clouds of scandal that forced him to move abroad, following the alleged incident in a field near Heamoor two years ago. However, despite lengthy painstaking investigations by both police and the RSPCA, no charges were ever brought against Mr Quistle and, indeed, milk yields in that particular herd went up and not down...

Although he chose to remain a confirmed bachelor, Chebney was a very keen participant in many aspects of local life. He was an officer in the Boys' Brigade and a leader in the Scouts and could always be relied upon when it came to taking boys away to camp. He was also a Choirmaster at his local Church, spending extra time with the owners of his treble voices to ensure the piping quality of their performance.

However, the bulk of his time was spent with the brush or the pen or with his beloved xylophones.

Pictured on the left is Chebney's most famous (and valuable) painting, entitled My House. It cost him some 8 months of tortured work and perfectly captures the atmosphere of Boskednan in the early 1830s, when he first came to live there. This great work was purchased at a price of some £55 for the Tate by Sir Richard Branson, who was a great friend and admirer of Chebney before the incident in Heamoor.

Leaving his very considerable achievements with the brush aside, Chebney was a maestro with the pen and is acknowledged to be one of the greatest English poets.

His poem I am is reckoned to be one of the finest statements of the human spirit in print.

I am -- I am what it is to be,
Because I am what it is to feel.
So ask, please, no more of me!

Ask ye no hedgehog, ask ye no eel!
Just ask Elizabeth to show you -- her spot!
That tender centre of her innermost being --
That is a wonder to behold and not to share!

Brake markings on my underpants --
They are proof of my being there!
They will fade, as do all marks of human kind,
But when fresh, they are proof to the curious nose.

There are, grant you, prettier things -- like daffodils;
Like wandering trees on distant hills:
They summon up images of years gone by,
And of happy peoples whose smiles are no more.

I tire of musing and must close down
Or we will both wear your worried frown.
So go now away and leave me alone,
To play my wondrous Xylophone!

This phenomenally great work was purchased by Roman Abramski for the Russian Nation at a price of 76 billion roubles in 1995.

Chebney was never happier that when playing on his Xylophone. His favourite work, which he played for hours on end, was The three mice, who couldn't see! Like all great works, this too was subject to much plagiarism -- a popular version of it now circulating as "The three blind mice".

The Star Interview went as follows:

Loveday Liddicoat: "Mr Quistle, I do not wish to embarrass you, but could you tell us in your own words just what was happening in that field in Heamoor?"

The great man: " You little bugger! You...you....you....". Gasping for breath," You....". Eyes swimming, he then expired. Since no further words came from the great man, we must let his works alone speak for him.


Renowned Relubbus recluse Ronnie Rosewarne, often known as the "King of Christian Science", has released details of a powerful new tool that he has designed to help improve the moral fibre of Relubbus.

Professor Rosewarne is shown here on the left in the most recent photograph we have of this most private and elusive individual. The photo was taken back in the 1920s, when Professor Rosewarne had slipped out of his cottage to go to Trevaskis stores to buy a jar of his much-beloved Bovril. Since then, this intensely shy man has managed to avoid all photographers. His primary point of contact with the outside world is via his cleaning lady for the past 60 years, Miss Ethel Tregonning (86).

Despite his advanced years -- Professor Rosewarne is now 116 years old -- his brain remains as acutely sharp and fertile as ever it was. His latest offering to the world is little short of being a marvel -- for he has invented a "mind washing machine". As this proud Cornishman and fiercely fundamentalist Methodist himself sums it up, "There are far too many people walkin' roun' with dirty thoughts. My machine will wash they dirty thoughts clean out o' their minds".

Pictured on the left is the sort of helmet that Professor Rosewarne believes everyone in Relubbus should be wearing. The device does not impair breathing very much and permits near normal vision. When the wearer entertains impure or improper thoughts, he or she will immediately be subjected to very high pressure and very high temperature jets of water, which will pierce the skull and "clean up" any dirty thoughts in the head.

Speaking through his mouthpiece to the world, Miss Tregonning, Professor Rosewarne is at pains to point out that the device has gone through the most extensive testing. He has tried out the device on his two laboratory mice -- Jago and Clemo -- by showing them rather racey and saucey photos of Sue Barker from the Radio Times, whilst they were wearing scaled-down versions of the device. He states that he clearly saw the evil thoughts being expunged from the mice in the gentle smoke that was emitted from their bodies as they died.

The announcement has caused great excitement in the religious world, attracting considerable interest and advance orders (in the millions) from fundamentalists all over the world, including the Bible belt in the US, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Afghanistan, as well as personal orders from a Mr G. Bush in the White House, a Mr Ahmed Dinner-Jacket in Iran, a Mr Oskar Bin Liner in Pakistan, and a Mr L. Shark in Cornwall.