Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear



We bring you the latest Christmas news before you settle down for that special family fest that is Christmas.

Tas Nadelik overjoyed at finding lost reindeer!!

Christmas is the the busiest time of year for Tas Nadelik, or Father Christmas, and so you can imagine how dsitraught this kindly man was to discover that two of his reindeer had gone missing just when he needs them most.

Father Christmas gave us an interview at his top secret hideaway in the cold upper reaches of Mount Relubbus.

"This time o' year, I duh need tey reindeers morden ever! So when I 'eard they little ones - Poop and Fart - 'ad gone missin', I was beside meself, I kintellee!"

Thankfully, the two reindeer turned up at St Erth station, where they were found "walking around looking bewildered" by a Mr Charming and his girlfriend Alice.

Mr Charming, an unemployed prince from Goldsithney, remarked, "I took one look at they an' I knawed they wudden no cows -- particularly the one with they git 'orns!"

They queued for three hours in the telephone system of the Father Christmas Call Centre, on which they were reassured to be told how important their call was and given regular updates on which number in the queue their call was.  Eventually their call was taken by Madron Polglaze, a work experience elf, who informed Father Christmas.

Madron and his sister Demelza were then immediately despatched by Western National bus to pick up the errant reindeer and take them back to their stables on Mount Relubbus.

Mr Charming and Alice each received rich rewards in the form of a Father Christmas notebook and pencil, a yoyo, a wooden train, a jigsaw, a battery-operated nose-cleaner and a lunar-powered 3D radio in thanks for their sterling efforts.

Asked for a final comment, Father Christmas merely replied "Sum game, inna?!"

Knees Department Store Christmas mishap

Knees of Penzance are seeking a new Santa Claus to sit in their grotto after Elmer Trevains (57) of Botallack was found - and photographed -with a half-naked young lady (Tilly Bottrell, 19)  in his grotto last Thursday.

Tilly, who, according to her mother Brenda (52) is a bit simple ("tha's why we duh call she Tilly!"), pestered her mother to be allowed to go in to see Santa.

Says Brenda, "When she nevver come out after affenour, I wen in there to see wass goin' on".

A shocked Mrs Bottrell then told the Roundup - and PC Polkinghorne, who attended - that when she entered she saw her daughter in a state of undress on Mr Trevains' knee.

Quick as a flash, she whipped out her mobile and took the picture on the left so that Trevains could not deny the event.

PC Polkinghorne then marched off Trevains on a charge of molestation of a simple person.

Knees are now urgently seeking a replacement Santa Claus and jobsekers who feel up to the demanding role - and have no criminal record - are asked to present themselves tomorrow morning at 9.00 am at the store in Market Jew Street in Penzance.

Oates provides Christmas fun for Kiddies

RC Oates, the well-known and much-revered mega-multibillionnaire and philanthropist has this year once again dug deep to lay on Christmas fun for poorer children.

Mr Oates, shown here on the left, is a kindly cheery man, who is often likened to Dickens' Mr Brownlow.

He has accordingly laid on a programme of festive fun for all the children of Relubbus at the renowned Relubbus Panopticon Theatre.

Tickets will cost £15, but - if you can demonstrate that you are poor  (by, for example, having a Body Mass Index of less than 3 or by wearing no shoes) - the Oates Foundation  will cough up 37 pence per poor child, meaning that each poor child will only have to pay £14 and 63 pence to gain entry.

When questioned about the force that drives this unparalleled philanthropy, Mr Oates just smiles his well-known enigmatic and kindly smile  and speeds off in his brand new top-of-the-range S-class Mercedes to seek out further outlets for his uncontrollable philanthropic outpourings.

He has decided upon an improving entertainment programme for the children, which kicks off with an hour of Medleys on Mandolin from Giacomo and Umberto Trembath. 

The children will recognise some of the songs, particularly "Goin up Cambern 'Ill" , which is the last number, and will be expected and encouraged to join in with lusty singing.

The next act is a novelty act performed by Bersaba and Morwenna Penhaligon, two sisters who were brought up speaking no other langauge but Kernewek.

The two sisters have perfected a brilliant stand-up routine in Middle Cornish, which they deliver interspersed with delightful bursts of Cornish song. This lasts for two hours and is guaranteed to both entertain and educate the kiddies.

The final hour is taken up with Idris the Indicator from Newlyn.

This talented performer entertains the audience with the adroit use of his dexterous digit, which he uses to 'indicate' various objects.

The first child to correctly guess the object indicated is rewarded with a hard-boiled sweet.

The game continues with the sweet always being passed on to the next correct guesser. 

It is amazing that even after an hour of exciting games with the sweet being passed from one mouth to another it is still the same size as when it was first fished out of Idris's pocket.

Where it comes from is a closely guarded secret - the everlasting secret.  Idris will only let on that it comes from Newlyn and that "youkun get loads o' them there in diffrunt sizes!"

The editor would like to wish all readers set to enjoy roast badger, as he is, a most flavoursome Christmas!


This week the Roundup looks at the central figure in the political, administrative, literary and social life of Relubbus.

The much celebrated Councillor Billy Spargo (129), shown here smiling for the camera as he sits at his work, is the ever youthful Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Generations of people in Relubbus have grown up knowing no other leader in this proud independent state.   But few know the man behind the name and behind the statesman.

Accordingly, in this first part of a planned 9,675 part serialisation about the greatest man in Relubbus, we take a look at the human being behind the name.   This week we look at the Ladies' man.

Spargo is an honest man of the soil and only decided to go into politics after strong encouragement to do so from his Enty May and also from Queen Victoria and the then Pope

This tradition of support continues today as can be seen from this photo  of the present day Queen and Pope emerging gratefully from a recent audience they were granted with Councillor Billy Spargo. 

There were rumours about Spargo and Victoria and there have been rumours down the decades about the closeness of his relationship with royal ladies ever since.

Spargo is a man of regular and spartan habits.  He prides himself on taking a bath annually, although he abhors the use of soap as being something completely unnatural.  As he correctly points out, "There iddenuthin bout soap in the Garden of Eden, izza?!"

Despite the comparative rarity of this bathing event, there are 7 'Ladies of the bathchamber', whose job it is to ensure that the sundry deposits built up over the year are removed from the surface and various crevices of Councillor Spargo's body.

As you would only expect, there is great competition amongst the women of Relubbus for the signal honour of of being one of the chosen few.  There is an annual draw and thousands of hopefuls put their names forward, but only 7 are chosen.

The picture is of the current ladies of the bathchamber, who are, from the left, Lucy Trembath (23), Betsy Angwin (32), Agnes Trevorrow (62) with, behind her, Tamsin Chirgwin (39), Loveday Baragwaneth (21), Pammie Polkinghorne (29) and Linda Addicoat (40). 

Said spokeswoman Agnes, "'Sworth every minnut!  Ee's a real man, we ebbent nevver seen nuthin like it!  You'd nevver bleeve ee was 129 - more like 29.  Kept all o' we 'appy!"

One of the special rewards that go along with the honour is the right to bottle and sell the health-giving water in which the great man has bathed.  The claims made for the water are many.  It is reputedly a cure for the common cold, for hair loss, for problems 'down below', for flatulence and for 'feelinabit queer'.

Spargo's history with the ladies is the stuff of legend.  His reputed conquests range from Mrs Wallis Simpson (wife of King Edward VIII, not a lady of the family that owns the famous Penzance store!) to Mrs Rachele Mussolini, Ms Eva Braun, Mrs Jackie Kennedy, Madame Sarkozy, Helen Mirren and Mrs Lyudmila Putin.

Spargo has been married several times and has had many affairs, despite his punishing 18 hour day toiling for the people of Relubbus on Council business.  Members of the public may be wondering who might now be his current squeeze.

The Roundup can exclusively reveal that it is none other than intoxicatingly beautiful young Araminta Pengelly (23), a checkout operator from Long Rock.

Araminta, who attended Relubbus Comprehensive School and left with distinctions in advanced knitting, manicure and leafing through popular magazines, is trying to keep a low profile, as revealed by the picture on the left from a recent photoshoot. 

Araminta, a girl of few words, did coyly confess to looking forward to having her first Spargolet.  You read it here first!

Next week, we will be looking at Spargo, the man of letters.