Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Unusual Plea for yet greater Diversity in Relubbus Society

Gwen Poldhu (+6), the President of the Relubbus Society for the Promotion of the Rights of he Recently Deceased (RESPIRED), is a very angry dead woman!

In Gwen’s view, people have bent over backwards to accommodate the wishes of gays, they have fallen prostrate to accommodate the wishes of Muslims and fanatical Methodist fundamentalists, and they have opened Relubbus’ doors to welcome immigrants of all shapes, sizes and colours, even allowing the English in, but they have not yet acknowledged the rights of the recently dead.

Gwen, even in death, is a woman of action and has formed RESPIRED to articulate the needs and rights of the recently deceased (RDs). She has also invented the style of age designation which her members use. She herself has been dead for 6 years and writes her age thus (+6).

RESPIRED is open to all deceased persons who have not yet reached the age of +20, by which time they are reckoned to have quietened down so much that they no longer have needs worthy of mention.

Up to that point, however, the recently deceased, or RDs, have very definite needs, which should be addressed by the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Gwen is calling for free physiotherapy sessions three times a week for all RDs.

She is insisting that RDs should be washed and dressed (and strongly scented!) every day and then taken out for a bracing wheelchair ride in the country or sea air.

Turning to more intimate matters, Gwen coyly suggests that RDs still have ‘those needs’ and suggests that the GRUC should pay for suitable young lustily virile or nubile folk to ‘do it’ with RDs.

Pictured left is the type of young woman (Penelope (32) who could bring a smile even to the mouth of of a +15 years dead person. But they needn't be as mature as Penelope. Gwen believes that it might be a good idea if much younger folk -- such as 6th formers -- were used in this capacity, as that would bring the generations together.

Gwen is particularly incensed about the ghettoisation that is inflicted upon RDs. For centuries the dead have been simply banished to graveyards, which are typically cold, unlit and unfriendly places. She is calling for RDs to be positioned amongst the rest of society. Suitably propped up and kept smelling sweet, there is no reason why the dead cannot be allowed to sit on trains, in classrooms, in supermarkets, in hotel lobbies, on airplanes, etc. – the list is endless.

In fact, Gwen believes that RDs should benefit from what she calls ‘location rotation’. A dead person could be propped up for a week in a library, then spend a week in a nursery or kindergarten, then spend a week in a discotheque and so on.

Such a policy means that everyone will get used to being in the company of the dead, losing their fear of ‘passing on’, while the dead enjoy the benefit of mixing with society, until about the age of +20, when they will probably fall to pieces.

Gwen is adamant that we have all got to die sometime and so all of us should have a natural interest in ensuring that the needs of dead folk are taken care of. Gwen points out that RDs have already made their contribution to society and so finance should not be an issue. Even if it were, she also points out that dead people neither eat nor drink. The only expenditures would arise in respect of washing, scenting, dressing and propping up bodies. She hoped that the intimate services, if not funded by the GRUC, might be provided for free by the young folk in a generous spirit of inter-generational support.

Billy Spargo, the leader of the GRUC, was not available for comment on this topic, as he is currently away with the other leaders of the G13 preparing a response to the financial crisis gripping the world, which is looking towards Relubbus for a solution.

The Roundup will be following, and reporting on, RESPIRED's campaign.

Perplexed readers might like to now that this report was brought to us via the services of Mr Tommy Wakfer (87) of the Penzance Spiritualist Church, Bread Street, Penzance. Mr Wakfer “’ad a thing” with Miss Poldhu when she was alive and has retained the link beyond the grave, which he frequently visits.