TOUGH CHOUGH ON TOP!!

Gurnards Head is the home of this year's winners of the Proper Cornish (PC) Sustainable Tourism B&B Award, which is presented by the charismatic centenarian leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Mr Billy Spargo.

Spargo is always a firm favourite with the ladies, whether dressed in his civic finery (as pictured left) or whether lounging on a beach in his made-to-measure woollen swimwear obtainable only from fashionable Simpsons in Penzance.

The girlish mother and daughter combination - this year's winners - proved no exception to this rule, as both ladies were so overcome by the masculine magnetism of the great man that they almost forgot to keep their cigars going.

Mother and daughter Agnes (42) and Loveday (21) Trenoweth, have floored all the competition in the PC Sustainable Tourism B&B Awards to walk away with the first prize.

Agnes explains that they operate a luxury holiday facility, called the Tough Chough at Gurnards Head, which consists of a spacious hut and a capacious caravan.
The hut, which is styled as a Swiss mountain "Hütte" can only be reached on foot down a winding cliff path, which twists its painful way through gorse and heather for three quarters of a mile down from the road until you reach the glory that is the Hütte.

Agnes, who lives in the hut, explains that the Queen size bed is big enough to accommodate four more people sideways, if they are happy to shove up, though she insists on being at the end, as she needs to 'go toilet' often during the night.

Wind power lights a 20 watt bulb that bathes the windowless hut in light and when that fails, there is always the candle.  Drinking water is collected from a rain tub, which Mother Nature keeps topped up.  "We duh callun the bounty o' ebben!", declares Agnes.
Washing powder is never used as clothes and sheets are cleaned by the wind alone.  All this underpins the high environmental credentials of this establishment.  But there is more.

The toilet arrangements - in a separate hut with plentiful ventilation holes - provide for the ready collection of all waste, which is then immediately deployed in the vegetable garden, thus rounding a perfect virtuous circle in the food cycle.

Meanwhile young Loveday lives in and operates the three berth caravan, which boasts no less than three windows and a door each side.

The mother and daughter pair rightly pride themselves on being able to offer shameful luxury at the lowest environmental cost.

Alcohol is banned from the the Tough Chough "in case anniyuh they male guests duh get pissed up  and get designs on we!"  Food is wholly vegetarian and all from the cliffside vegetable garden.

The only weakness of the two ladies for supplies from outside lies in their fondness for cigarettes and cigars (the latter being Loveday's particular weakness).  They both smoke incessantly from morning till night, but, as the smoke is always fresh, it is deemed to have a cleansing effect on mind, body, soul and clothes - much like Lampe Berger.

Billy Spargo gushed enthusiastically over the achievements of these  Cornish beauties and spoke at length for almost a minute about how fine an example they were to the rest of the Cornish B&B industry.

The two Trenoweths were over the moon to be the centre of so much attention and were thrilled with their prize of underwear vouchers to the value of £9.75, redeemable at Simpsons of Penzance on any Thursday which happens to be the 5th of the month, at 9.30 am, if the temperature is above 45 degrees centigrade and it has snowed during the previous 24 hours.

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Say 'Oui oui' to Weasel Wee!

Yann Kaerell is a fully qualified and quixotic mystic, who is highly skilled in tarot card reading, wiccan banishing, the manufacture of finely woven wicker prophylactics and french polishing, although he claims to do it in a very Breton way.

Yann is passionate about weasels and it was during his daily intercourse with his prized pets that he accidentally collected some urine from his 35 pets over a ten day period and bottled it.

Given the difficulty of collection, he was forced to put a price of £25 on each 5 centilitre bottle.  Following tests on some 50 unwitting volunteers, the mixture, when imbibed, was found to be highly effective in the treatment of a wide range of conditions ranging from constipation to diarrhoea, xenophobia and incipient homosexuality.

Yann is now delighted to be able to offer his new product 'Oui oui' to the general public at the new price of £57 per 5 centilitre bottle at the Relubbus Farmers' Market on Thursdays.  Customers are advised to hold the nose and let the golden liquid quickly flow down the throat to do its good at the start of each and every day for optimum results.

Two Nancledra Anteaters for sale!!

Yes, this is a genuine breeding pair of the now very rare Nancledra anteater, which is the only Cornish breed of this animal.

Reared from birth inside the farm, this duo, named Boris and Doris, are completely house trained and do not even require a litter tray, since they have been using the toilet since the age of 13 months.

Now 'gettinonabit', their owner, Nancledra farmer, Madron Polkinghorne (97) has finally brought himself to a state of readiness to part with his Boris and Doris, who are probably the very last of their kind.  Bids will be welcomed over the next two weeks and serious bidders are asked to bear in mind that Mr Polkinghorne has set a reserve price of £585,000.  'Phone Nancledra 567234

MOUNTS BAY - SHOULD TOURISTS BE BANNED?

Mounts Bay has been a magnet for tourists right back to distant Phoenician times, when it featured as the most popular destination on Amilcar's slave-driven Bireme Tours in 700 BC (see picture).

Tired of the relentlessly hot and sunny Mediterranean climate, paying guests were only too thrilled to be able to enter the magic world of West Penwith washed, as it all too often is, by sparkling pelting raindrops and super-cooled by many a blasting breeze.

A round trip from Sidon to Marazion could be had for as little as 50 shekels (on a rather slow 4-slave vessel) or as much as 750 shekels for a private outside cabin aboard a fast 150-slave vessel.

Tin and copper trinkets were very popular with the Phoenician tourists and remain so to this day with the likes of Bob and Betty from Berbigum.

For centuries Mounts Bay has been a dear home to local folk.  Fishermen have used it to sail out to fish and, for a long while, farmers have collected its seaweed to enhance the already naturally impressive fertility of the soil (see picture).

In latter years, lovers of natural beauty have flocked to its shores to feast their eyes on its shimmering presence and have vied with one another with varying degrees of success to capture its illusive essence in words and pictures.

Now there is a growingly loud crowd (the accepted definition of which, in some quarters, is three) calling for a total ban on tourism in the Mounts Bay area and in West Penwith as a whole, if not the whole of Cornwall.

We spoke to the people involved.

Mr Jasper Jago (24) is a psychiatric nurse from the teeming hamlet of Bojewyan.  He claims that tourists make him so depresed that lithium "dudden do it fer me no more!"

He is the first depressive to take granite pills, procured from the hardest of hard core sources at Lamorna Cove, where, in Mr Jago's words, "the stuff is jes' lyin' roun' waiting fer tuh be picked up!"

Since he started taking his specially carved 1 oz daily granite pills some fifteen months or so, Mr Jago has put on 2 stones in weight.

Jasper claims that he now feels more upbeat about life, but that the tourists must still go, "Emmets 'ere, emmets there, emmets bleddy evreewhere.  They duh drive me spare, they do - an' me a nurse, I aren't no patient!"

Madron Tregenza is a 36-year-old entrepreneur who has made a modest fortune from his business of selling lightly washed pre-owned underwear door to door.  This local businessman believes that Cornwall's future depends upon the development of new export industries. 

He believes that tourists and "they bleddy secundomers" should be stopped at the border or charged a punitive levy of £55,000 per breath taken of Cornish air.

The type of export industry he favours is "one o' they smuckin' fart ones like a Iphone, wot duh do yer benefits claims automatic.  Nuther one could be a lighter plastic AK 47, wot can shoot deown another planet!"  Mr Tregenza is working on the development of such products at weekends.

The third person in the crowd is herself an American tourist, staying in a luxury caravan with two doors at Sennen Cove - a Ms Sarah Plain.

Ms Plain claims to have been a candidate for the Vice Presidency of the Gotham City Creationists' Tennis Club and insists that she comes from the same land as Superman.  She admits that Catwoman would also lay claim to a similar provenance, but dismisses the latter as a 'bitch'.  She adds "I'm a reeeal intelligent person and I can see Russia from my window, even in my caravan!"

Annoyed by the presence of so many tourists, she believes that, if all the others are got rid of, she will have more space for herself on the beach.  She therefore lends her full support to Jasper and Madron's campaign.

The Roundup would like to know what you think of the proposal that Mounts Bay, and indeed the whole of Cornwall, should be closed off to all tourists and 'sekundomers'.

Let us know and the most impressive answer (to be submitted in not less than 40,000 words of Unified Cornish) will win the author their very own brand new LELANT Lean-To (worth £13,350, shown here with the door left open for ventilation after use).

Help will also be given with the digging of the pit.