Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Relubbus watchers around the world have been intrigued to hear of the preparations being made by the Duke of Cornwall (shown left) and his wife (the famous and luscious Lily Nichols look-alike) in their intent to move lock stock and barrel to "an ordinary housing estate".

They are, in fact, to move to the notorious Bramangath Estate, in Relubbus.

We are able to publish a picture of the sumptuous property they are said to have acquired.  It boasts a front door with a much sought-after porch area and a durable plastic doorbell, playing "Goin up Cambern 'ill comon' down".  Not only this, but it also has a fully functional door knocker.  The luxurious accommodation (three bedrooms and two inside toilets!!) includes a back door giving out on to the extensive grounds of a 30-foot garden, currently laid to waste.

Notwithstanding the fact that the property has the benefit of  a garage, the front garden has been turned to hard standing so as to be easily capable of accommodating the many expected and frequent guest cars.

To make the journey easier still for guests of the Duke to call in, the Roundup has discovered that the Gwavas Estate bus will be especially diverted to call at this new stop, which will be known as 'Lily's Corner' in honour of the woman Camilla most closely resembles.

Despite the huge influence and unparalleled reach of this celebrated publication, even we have not - yet - been able to secure pictures of the inside of the house, but we have have been able to note all the top class advisers and artisans who have been calling at this soon-to-be-famous semi-detached property.

Heamoor fine artist, interior designer, society hostess, pipe aficionado and accomplished drag artist, Nigel Trewern (31) has been responsible for the choice and fitting of all internal soft furnishings. 

Nigel said, over a calming pipe of Dunghill's Morning Mixture:

  "I bin given a budget o' £17.35 fer all the curtains. Wi' that kinamoney, I jes' gone bleddy mad and adda spendout! 

Iss sum bleddy smart in there neow, I kintellee!"

The house has been fitted with three toilets (two of which are inside!).  With an eye to the Duke's concern for disdvantaged minorities, the selected plumber is 28 years old controversial Lariggan Lesbian Communist, Leslie 'Lezzer' Lesnoweth.

This queen o' the pipes' has personally tested all three toilets and found them capable of dealing with anything nornal-sized the ducal duo can put down there.

Leslie will be on 24 hour call to deal with any toilet emergencies as they might arise.  Whilst she is reluctant to disclose the sum she will receive for this high-end service cover by way of retainer, it is rumoured that a figure close to £14.99 per month might well be near the mark!

To draw attention to the problems of child poverty and exploitation head-on, the Duke has elected 'pour encourager les autres' to employ a child as maid-of-all-work. 

Twelve years old Vanessa Trembath will be on duty in the house from 4.30 am until 1.00 am every day. However, she will have a half day free on Sunday March 21st 2032.

This, as Camilla herself declared, will give the poor girl something to look forward to, as she will not be paid.

The Duke's staffing arrangements have also taken full account of the burgeoning West Penwith gay community

He has chosen Darren 'Bunty' Behenna to be his butler , the 62-year-old outspoken chairperson of the All-Cornwall LGBT Canasta Club.

Bunty has designed his own fetching pink uniform and has promised to bring a really classy sparkle to all proceedings at the Bramangath house.

This will be particularly the case on Tuesday nights when the Duchess "duh 'ave 'er mates roun' fer wunna they posh Canasta, fags an' brown ale parties!"

The Roundup will return to embellish this 'coup' story with further details as they emerge.