Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear

NEW YEAR ISSUE, 2008. Issue 19, 1st January 2008

By Religious and Social Correspondent Rendell Janner

At a recent convention of the Cornish Methodist Golem Pasty makers, one participant has seen fit to break with convention and show her face, despite the terrifying punishments attendant upon any female who dares break convention and show herself.

A Roundup snapper, Archie Treglown, managed to obtain this picture of Loveday Jenkin, wife of leading Golem Methodist, Methuselah Jenkin. She unveiled herself upon leaving the convention location at Richmond Methodist Sunday School.

When queried by the Roundup's terrier photographer as to what might happen to her for contravening the sect's terrifying injunctions on inappropriate female behaviour, Loveday retorted that, "If that arsehole (Methuselah) tries to do anything to me, he'll be squeaking at a higher pitch than a tenor mouse by the time me and my scissors are finished with his knackers!"

This produced a chorus of support along the lines of "Proper Job, that'll learn ‘im" from the other ladies present, although they all wisely decided to remain fully veiled.

Human Rights groups have often railed against the restrictions that extreme Methodists reputedly apply to their women. Since secrecy is so tight amongst these extreme Methodist groups, no one can be entirely sure of their practices, but stories have emerged of routine twice-daily beatings as a matter of course, with additional beatings laid on for "infringements". These latter can encompass a wide range of "unacceptable female behaviour", such as talking, laughing, breathing too loud, poor cooking, inadequate cleaning, insufficient attention to a husband's requirements, failing to guess what the husband wants in any situation, and being female.

Clearly Loveday Jenkin has now issued a challenge to her husband and the Roundup will be pursuing the story to update readers on the outcome of this storm in the extreme Methodist teacup.
Investigation by Grubber Trevorrow
The Roundup can reveal exclusively that famed American singer-songwriter Roy Orbison is dead. The news will come as a devastating blow to the many thousands of Roy's fans in Relubbus, who had been looking forward with huge anticipation to the opening concert in the singer's world "comeback" tour, which was due to have taken place, in Relubbus, in February.

Roy is shown left posing for surprised fans in Hayle Kwiksave last year, when he paid his second visit to Relubbus in as many months, to finalize the details of the tour.

Roy had been so impressed by the passion and loyalty of his Relubbus fans that he decided to play not one but two gigs in the city; and Relubbus was to have had the distinction of hosting the first and the last of the tour concerts.

In fact, the Roundup can now reveal that Roy Orbison died in 1988. It seems that the "Roy Orbison" who visited Relubbus was an imposter.

In a statement yesterday, Chief Inspector Harold Carne of the Relubbus Constabulary said that Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce, currently a resident in the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators, has been interviewed and is likely to be charged with criminally bad impersonation and conspiracy to defraud.

Councillor Billy Spargo confirmed last night that, in a special deal arranged by himself, the Methodist Hall had already been booked for both of "Roy's" Relubbus concerts, and that he was now likely to lose a lot of money. To cater for the expected huge demand for tickets, he had paid up front for extra folding chairs from the WI, he said. Quizzed about refunds for tickets that had been booked in advance, he said that these would be issued "in due course".
By Medical Correspondent Dr Rendell Janner
There is much talk about the efficacy of alternative therapies and many a heated debate has been generated on the topic of their value.

To help our readers form their own opinions, we present here some of the better-known alternative practitioners whose services can be found within Greater Relubbus.


Darren Tregonning (32) is, by day, a sewage treatment plant operative, who thoroughly enjoys his chosen profession. However, in the evenings he indulges his passion for dentistry. He is the only completely free dentist working in the Relubbus area. He takes no fees, as he says that his reward is to be found in the job itself.

Darren is self-trained and enjoys the challenge of "getting by" with the minimum of tools. Specialising in extractions, his favourite tool is the pliers. It is his aim to wrench out the offending tooth with such speed that the client will require no anaesthetic. So keen is he to "pull teeth" that he will come to your home to practice his arts. His mobile phone number is 07886 456722. Call him and he will attend at any time of the evening or night.

Diagnosis -- the vital step before treatment

Doris Penhaul (72) claims to have solved the mystery of many a difficult diagnosis by deploying her most unusual sense of smell. She claims to be able to make accurate diagnoses of every condition simply by examining and sniffing intensely soiled underwear.

Doris needs at least three badly soiled undergarments in order to make a diagnosis and she charges what she describes as a modest fee of £105 per item in order to make the diagnosis. This produces a minimum fee of £315 per patient. To those who feel that this is a high price to pay, Doris issues a simple challenge -- "you stick your nose into a pair of stinking wet pants and see if you like it -- it stays with you for days!" She claims that it is worth every penny to the patient, as she can diagnose every ailment known to man and can even foretell future illnesses. The soiling of the undergarments is achieved by the taking of virulently active home-made laxatives, for which Doris makes an additional charge of £50.

As a responsible reporting organ, we feel that we must share the fact that West Penwith doctors appear not to share Doris’ opinion that she can diagnose every condition. Dr Trencrom Polglaze of Newlyn pointed out that the only condition Doris seemed to be able to diagnose with unerring accuracy was diarrhoea.

Tasty Jennifer Tonkin (27) of Newlyn, is, apart from being a bit of all right, a dab hand both at crystal ball gazing and at reading tarot cards. The Cornish cutie claims that deployment of her scrying skills can lead to ready diagnosis of trickier, hard-to-find conditions.

Jennifer, who smells sweet and is very easy on the eye, can be found at her caravan in the Combe. Although someone with her looks should be paid very much more for time in her most fragrant presence, Jennifer charges only £15 per 30 minute consultation. Having visited her myself prior to her successful diagnosis of my club foot, I found that it is very easy to get lost in her bewitching eyes.

Jennifer prefers to communicate in writing because of her severe stutter, but I must say that I even found her endlessly repeated sibilants hypnotic and enchanting. I taped them and play them back at night before I sleep.

Alternative Treatments

Pascoe Tehidy (32) of Tregeseal is the pioneer of one of the most unusual therapies we have come across. A specialist, he confines himself to the treatment of headaches and migraines. Patients lie down on a long table with a box at one end, into which they are required to insert their head. Tehidy then sits on the box and breaks wind through an aperture to surround the head "in healing vapours".

Fortified by a diet rich in beans and onions, Tehidy is able to direct a steady flow of this fortifying gas directly into the nostrils of the grateful patient. In a matter of seconds all thoughts of migraine or headache have evaporated, as the patient desperately withdraws the head in a frantic attempt to find life-giving oxygen. Pascoe proudly confesses, "My farts are reckoned to have the ‘ighest ever recorded methane content. I could knock out an elephant in less than a minute! Someone’s got an ‘eadache, all they gotta do is cum ‘ere and I’ll get rid of un for un!!"

TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.
By Leisure Correspondent Rendell Janner

Gerry runs a home for over 85-year-old ladies on the outskirts of Relubbus. He is a deeply caring man and is well aware that, although his ladies are advanced in years, they do still have certain needs. For this reason, he has started up the Escort Agency for his "girls".

Gerry, pictured here on the left, says defiantly that young male customers can expect from his girls exactly what they would get from much younger female escorts. He does not expect to profit from this venture and states that he will only take enough for his admin costs.

"If a young man is looking for a good time, he can do no better than come to me and take a out a 'Golden Girl'", he says. (See below for costs.)

Pictured on the left is 92-year-old Doris Tregonning. A mother and grandmother many times over, Doris has tried to persuade her 21-year-old grandson Derek to bring his mates round so that she can meet them. Rather cruelly, Derek observed that this was "unnatural" and refused to do so. Although sadly confined to a wheelchair, Doris is very sociable and is adamant that she can accompany her date to the dance floor and give him a run for his money before they go off to get down to the real stuff. Interested parties are asked to check the wheelchair accessibility of any venue they intend to take Doris to. They are also asked to respect her sleeping hours -- she goes to bed at 7.00 pm -- alone.

A "raw sex machine" is how Susan Penrose (87) describes herself. Walking with neither zimmerframe nor stick to support her, Susan is a right little mover and loves to dance, though she does need a half hour break between dances -- to rest up, take her pills, and change her incontinence pads. She is the late night "golden girl", as boys are allowed to bring her back home as late as 8.30 pm. "Suey", as her best boys can call her, has all her own teeth and does not smell. Any customer, who does detect the old problem is back will get a 50% reduction on the price of hiring Suey, Gerry assures.

Just 85 years old and the youngest playmate for hire is Grizelda Polglaze, who has to be locked up, because she gets so excited about the prospect of being with young men. Gerry assures us that she is always up for "rumpy pumpy" and insists that the fact that she is no longer sure who she is need not detract from her having fun.

Given her extreme excitability, it is recommended that Grizelda not be taken anywhere public. Gerry is quite happy for suitors to visit Grizelda at the home.

Gerry is adamant that the rights of his ladies to have a little fun should not be restricted by the fact that they are a little older. "Equal rights for all", he says.

Costs are cited as follows:

  • Evening dancing £75 plus VAT
  • Escorted meal £150 plus VAT
  • Kissing (no tongues) £15 each plus VAT
  • Kissing, with tongues £25 each plus VAT
Cost of other services available on application. (You will not be disappointed!!)
By Planning Correspondent Rendell Janner
The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Planning Committee have approved a plan for a large caravan site on the slopes of Mount Relubbus.

At the planning meeting on Wednesday, Chief Planning Officer Bephisto Trezize argued that the site would bring much-needed employment to the area.

The plans, submitted by Trezize Developments, include provision for 20,000 caravans, which would completely encircle the lower slopes of the mountain; 3 luxury hotels; 7 ski-lifts; 3 helicopter pads; a small airport; a "ring road" that will encircle the mountain; and an Alpine restaurant.

Committee members opposed to the scheme -- that is, all of them except the Chief Planning Officer himself (who also happens to be the sole director of Trezize Developments) -- argued bitterly that the development would ruin forever the wild scenic beauty of the mountain. Unfortunately for them, the rules of the committee (drawn up by CPO Trezize at the committee's inception) stipulate that the vote of the CPO is of equal weight to the combined votes of all the other committee members; and that, in the event of a tie, the CPO has the casting vote. The application was therefore approved.
Many of our readers are devoted, in some cases almost addicted, to the guidance of our resident astrologer, Breton savant Maurice Labalge.

They derive great comfort from using his words to peer behind the curtain of the future, so that they can see with clarity what is coming their way. At no other time is their need as great as it is at New Year.

Monsieur Labalge takes great care in casting his horoscopes, never spending less than one full toilet sitting on the construction of his regular contributions.

2008 Predictions!
Aries The stars reveal explosive actions in Uranus next year. This means that during the month of June, you will experience extended discomfort. Apart from that, romantic dalliances are very well-starred -- particularly with Mrs Hollis, if you wish -- and the career shows solid progression, as you are invited to become under-manager at the bacon counter in the Kwop. A good year - rounded and happy, so much so that you almost forget "the little weakness".

Taurus You still have amazing appetites for a woman of your advanced years, but sadly -- and unfairly -- it is difficult for a woman of 91 to find a partner. 2008 will change all that! It is clearly revealed that you will either have the good luck of having a compliant young (22 year old) Marlon Behenna as your carer next year or that you will have the bad luck of passing on. Either way, the problem will be solved!

Gemini Getting a girlfriend was always going to be difficult for you, given the stutter and the foot, but, as the Germans say, ‘for every pot there is a lid’ and when you meet Dorleen Penhaligon, all your problems will be over. Dorleen’s club foot is even bigger than yours and her stutter will make your diction sound like that of the oiliest, smoothest BBC continuity announcer. The meeting will occur in the second week of January, when you are both buying ca-ca-ca-ca-rrots in Tregenza's.

Cancer You have lifestyle challenges. For your own good health, you must lose weight. Cut down on clotted cream -- say, no more than one quarter pound tub per day. Take up step aerobics. You do need to get in shape, since your marriage will fail next April, when your husband, Bill, confesses that he has been carrying on with that skinny bitch tart next door. You will find it easier to find a new partner -- and to move about -- if you can get your weight down to below 30 stone again.

Leo You have always loved music and the present of a tambourine in July will change your life. You will spend over four hours a day practising to get your play up to professional standards. It will be ‘touch and go’ for at least another decade whether you will be able to give up the day job at the quarry to earn a living as a tambourine professional. The stars are as yet silent on this matter, but they do exhort perseverance... Can you get the daily practice hours up to six or seven? Try to learn and play complete well-known pieces such as the Wedding or the Death march. They will not only stand you in good stead in auditions, but you might even get hired to provide the musical backdrop to people’s major life events.

Virgo Never was a star name less appropriate to one born under it. You seem to have no shame as to whom you do it with and as to who knows about it! The horoscope indicates that this year will see you probe even deeper depths of depravity!! Have you thought of living in Hayle, where there are lots of people like you? It is too much for Relubbus -- you are becoming a health risk!

Libra When I think of you, I hear and see tinkling, chuckling sparkles of light cascading from the heavens to shower you with warm light and love. You are indeed a special person. My heart lifts when I enter Morrisons and see you there filling up the fruit and veg section -- I wish I could be a turnip in your hands. The gentle limp in your gait is the price paid to see such otherwise angelic perfection walking the face of this earth

Scorpio You will miss the MOT on the Fiesta in March. Remember that this does invalidate your insurance, so take extra care until September, when the stars reveal that you will get the MOT situation put right. Be supportive to Nigel, as his mother will die in October. Sylvia Clemo will mean more and more to you this year -- could this be the big one?

Sagittarius An extremely localised hurricane event will target your house in August. Everything in it will be flattened. During that month you should move next door to your Mum’s house which will remain completely untouched. Promotion is strongly on the cards in May, so you had better find a job quick!

Capricorn You will pass your piano exam in November, but only after you agree to let the examiner explore you ("upstairs only"!). You come to regret this lapse and report the examiner. He then loses his job, is thrown out by his wife and commits suicide by jumping off the cliff at Land's End -- twice! You learn from this life-shaping event and will go on to become a model librarian.

Aquarius You will continue with your brave experiments in cross-species relations with the local badger sett, but unfortunately both the RSPCA and the police will take a different view of your activities. You will receive a custodial sentence and "Billy Badger" will be dead by the time you get out again.

Pisces Your attempts to replace conversation with your wife by playing an appropriately worded Abba tune will this April, after 5 years, end in tears. The old bag finally decides to leave you and you can move in with Frank and Harry!
From the New Year onwards, we will be publishing articles individually, as they are written, rather than collected in a fortnightly "issue". We hope that this will enable us to:
  • Publish articles more frequently
  • Make articles more topical
So, from January, to ensure that you the see the latest articles as they appear, please check the Roundup site more frequently than once a fortnight -- or subscribe to our RSS feed, which will send you all new articles automatically.

CHRISTMAS ISSUE, 2007. Issue 18, 17th December 2007

Little Loveday (7) and Archie Andrewartha (8), seen here holding their little baby sister, Tabitha, wish you all -- wherever you may be -- on behalf of all the children of Relubbus, a most cordial
Merry Christmas!


a Happy New Year!

Loveday and Archie came first in the junior section of the annual animal torture competition sponsored by the Bin Laden Institute for the Criminally Deranged.

They have been chosen to be the official faces of the 2007 Relubbus Christmas celebrations.

Christmas in Relubbus

Lights cheer the soul amidst the winter snow;
Sweet, hot mulled wine sets faces all aglow.
The scent of turkey wafts across the town,
While children run, contented, up and down.

They pause a moment, time itself stands still;
They think of all sad children, poor or ill,
And conjure up a globe of loving care,
And blow it to those tykes, across the frozen air.
by Theophilus Rosewarne (84)
Gas Meter reader (retired), and part time poet
The question in everyone's mind, as every year, is whether there will be a White Christmas.

Of course, the eastern hills grouped around Mount Relubbus -- permanently snow-capped -- can expect their usual thick carpeting of snow at this time of year and so there is no threat to the booming skiing industry, which brings in thousands of winter sports enthusiasts every year to Relubbus International Airport. So scenes like the one on the left, showing a lesson in progress on the lower slopes of Mount Relubbus, are under no threat whatever.

The same predictability applies to the tropical beaches of Praa Sands and Perranuthnoe, which will see further thousands of sun-seeking tourists streaming in to enjoy the cloudless skies, soaring temperatures, and sandy beaches.

The picture on the left shows Praa Sands at its warm and sunny best, early one fine winter morning before all the tourists arrive. The temperature is already 25 degrees Centigrade and can be expected to climb yet further

However, the much bigger big question is whether a snow flake will fall upon the roof of the Greater Relubbus Meteorological Office, which is situated in the middle of Relubbus, not far from Boswedden Lane and a full two miles from either Mount Relubbus or Praa Sands. In order to get an authoritative answer to this big question, the Roundup has spared no expense and despatched its reporters to consult Abu Dabby Jago at Gulval.

Abu, shown here on the left, a shelf-stacker for Morrisons by day, is also the leader of an extremist Methodist fundamentalist grouping. He is reputedly in daily contact with the Almighty and claims that he "looks after weather matters for Him". Abu was sadly non-committal about snow prospects for central Relubbus, stating that he hadn't made up his mind yet whether he would organise snow. He advised us to wait until the day and then we would see what he had decided. So will it snow, or won't it? We'll just have to wait and see!

By Social Correspondent Rendell Janner
At the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) meeting on Tuesday, Council Leader Billy Spargo announced that he had contacted the Abbot of the celebrated Kloster Andechs monastery in Bavaria, famed for its production of high-class liqueurs and beers, with an invitation to found a sister (or should that be "brother") "monkery" in Relubbus.

The new monastery will be a copy of the original Kloster Andechs monastery (shown on the left).

According to Cllr. Spargo, the new "monkery" and brewery will stimulate employment in the area. It will be administered by skilled German monk-brewers who will relocate from Bavaria. However, as many of these do not speak English, a substantial number of novice monks will be recruited from the local population, to assist with the brewing and to "interface" with the local population.

It seems, though, that the prospect of celibacy does not appeal to Relubbus young men. Petroc Jelbert (17) said, "I've 'eard that to become a monk you duh 'ave to 'ave yer knackers sawed off. I 'ent 'avin' thaat! Me an' muh girlfren' duh 'ave 3 kids already, an' we're plannin' tuh 'ave more!"

However, it appears that since the announcement, 2048 local married men have applied to become brewing monks.

By Jan ("Mad") Carew, Private Eye Investigative Journalist of the Year 2007, on Madeira

The luxury seaside villa on the left is thought to be owned by none other than the controversial leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council, Billy Spargo. The villa is situated in a prime location in the exclusive village of Skollob, on the north coast of Madeira. According to locals, in recent weeks Councillor Spargo has been spotted in the village (heavily disguised as an ancient mariner), strolling arm-in-arm with Cecilia, the estranged wife of French President Nicholas Sarcozy.

Luxury villas in this area of Madeira typically sell for sums in excess of £8M, and questions are already being asked by Spargo's political opponents about how Cllr. Spargo was able to afford such a property, given that his family undertaking business is known to be close to bankruptcy. There have even been rumours of an "unofficial", unsecured, loan from Relubbus Central Bank Governor Mervyn Spargo.

Cllr. Spargo has long been a target of rumour and innuendo, but thus far has always managed to outmanoeuvre his enemies, hiding behind a cloak of evasion, disingenuousness, and half-truths. Indeed, in the Relubbus council chamber he is known as "Mr Asbestos", because he is thought to be fire-proof. However, is this latest financial irregularity the final straw that could break the camel's back? Could Spargo's long and undistinguished career be about to end in scandal and disgrace? Watch this space for further developments!

Ladies and gents, you know it makes sense!!

You want a house with a difference. You want people to gasp in amazement at the sumptuous fittings, when they enter each room -- even the smallest room in the house!

When you come to Adolf’s of Gurnards Head, you can be sure that you will obtain bathroom and toilet fittings that will grace any house. New stock now in, so hurry round to Adolf’s to make sure that you can get:

Aryan toilet with swastika motif on seat and matching toilet roll holder!! Sound of rushing Wagner when the flush is operated. Option to have chain with party flag! £899.99

Nazi Bathtub with radio-controlled U boats, plus one surface vessel (choose from cruiser or battleship). £1,469.99

Vichy-France bidet for those with French ways, featuring collaborator twin jets. £764.99

Plus all the usual stock, including fresh supplies of the very popular leather bathwear.

Come to Adolf’s of Gurnard’s Head in Anschluss Avenue
Getting to know Relubbus
Why is Boswedden Lane so named? Boswedden Lane is named after William Boswedden. Surprisingly, some people in Relubbus have not heard of this formidable polymath, so we present here a small pen picture of the great man.

William Boswedden was born at a very young age. In fact, he was not even one when he entered this world in 18th century Relubbus. His parents, Wakfer and Mirdaddio, were very poor gold merchants. This simply means that they weren't very good at it, but at least they had money.

Mirdaddio conceived the young William after many years of trying; Wakfer too had been very trying. All their efforts came to fruition with William's birth, when Mirdaddio was aged 42 and when Wakfer was aged 81.

William achieved early greatness at the tender age of 7, when he weighed in at 12 stone. It was true that he was hungry for knowledge, but true also that he was always hungry for food.

Pictured here on the left at birth, William was a sombre little fellow who, in between eating, soaked up knowledge like a sponge. Before he was 9, he was fluent in 14 languages, including Japanese, even without books or any instruction in the language.

By the age of 10, he had achieved a weight of just over 26 stone. In between eating, he managed to complete some of his most magical musical compositions, including the highly soporific 6-and-a-half-hour symphony for solo bass drum. But his restless spirit did not confine itself to the world of music, for he also began to experiment in the natural sciences. He developed a colour television set, which was perfect in every way. Sadly there were no broadcast television programmes for him to receive in those days.

By the age of 13, William weighed in at just under 40 stone. Never much of a socialiser or given to any sport other than competitive eating, at which he excelled, William was now incapable of independent movement. He was kept in a re-inforced and covered wagon in front of the parental home. This wagon afforded him some mobility and, given the waste-hole included in its construction, enabled him to be hosed down regularly.

Thus he lived, confined to his wagon, for another 60 years. He ate continuously, achieving a dead weight of 94 stones. However, he also continued to make great contributions to the cultural and economic life of Relubbus. He wrote countless poems, 32 plays, composed 72 symphonies -- all for the same instrument -- and invented the motor car, the telephone, and the Ipod, together with several other as yet undiscovered items.

His furious intellectual and eating activities did not impede his sex life. In his teens, he displayed a great fondness for badgers, which he was always careful not to squash. As an adult, he married four times and fathered 16 children.

After his death Boswedden Lane was so named in his honour. It is now the most sought-after address in Relubbus and is home to much of the diplomatic community here.
Plans to erect a monument to William in Boswedden Lane have always been deferred for cost reasons. The Council has now agreed that, provided that a statue is not made life-size, but merely miniature, one can be erected at the top of Boswedden Lane, in the flower bed next to the gents' toilets.
Come for a Christmas Holiday Break at the Grey River Hotel!!
Ladies and gents, Give you and yours a break this Christmas and come to this perfect rural idyll and allow yourself to be spoilt and pampered at this 5 star luxury shed.

Situated next to the fast-flowing waters of the unspoilt Grey river (the sewerage treatment plant is actually a full quarter of a mile downstream!), the "shed" comprises 5 interconnected one-room apartments lovingly and carefully constructed last month from natural materials (bamboo from a neighbouring field) by the owner, Larry, and his partner, Steve.

Neither Larry nor Steve has used in the past six weeks and they both have seen a doctor -- albeit at a distance -- within the past year or so. You can be sure that hygiene is their first and last thought.

On the left, one can see the grand entrance to the hotel, which, uniquely in the entire world, is entered from the river.

Health and safety are the watchwords at this hotel, (situated as it is on the Grey river floodplain) and a rope is thrown to any guest trying to make it through the sometimes treacherous currents to the front door. Once the guest makes it to the sumptuous antechamber, which is complete with floor, walls and broadleaf roof, he is instantly relieved of all monies required to cover the anticipated costs of his stay and then shown to his quarters.

You will have gathered that this is no ordinary hotel. It is administered according to the finest and highest principles of hygiene, ecology, and gay pride. Larry is quick to point out that, although the hotel's ambience has been specially designed to make gays feel at home, that doesn't mean that anyone else isn't welcome. He insists that the welcome mat will be rolled out for anyone who books in, regardless of age, gender, creed, and sexual orientation. The only requirement is that they pay the bill up front. The cost of a room is £4,500 per day. This might seem a little costly, but it does cover the cost of everything.

Larry (pictured left) says, "Everything at the hotel is natural. We don't cook -- we go searching for "edibles" within a radius of half a mile from the hotel. What we find, we give the guests -- uncooked so as to preserve the goodness. We always offer luscious grasses, sometimes there will be a tastey mollusc or two and, as a special (for an additional fee), we will venture up to the A30 for roadkill, though the guests must prepare the food themselves, as it would not be kosher for us to do it. There are no gadgets or radios or televisions in our rooms -- everything is "natural" -- we use no electricity. Guests can hear the sounds of the rushing water -- of any falling rain, which they might also be able to feel, if it permeates through the broadleaf roof. They will be close to nature and their souls will be refreshed by their stay with us."

Eager to please and enrich the lives of others, Larry and Steve have given up their own room in the hotel and have retired to a nearby caravan to allow some lucky guest to enjoy the unspoilt natural glory of one of their rooms. However, once hailed, they are never more than five minutes away and will always be there to welcome new guests and take their payments for a stay at this unforgettable hotel.

For a Christmas Special, don't delay:
Don't stint yourself -- come along and be gay!

By Business Correspondent Duane Polkinghorne
The Relubbus Central Bank (RCB) has had to step in an attempt to dispel further customer fears about the troubled Western Rock bank. A few weeks ago, angry investors queued for hours to withdraw their funds from the Western Rock in Relubbus High Street, following persistent rumours that the bank was financially insolvent due to unwise investment in the American "prime" mortgage market. It seemed that the crisis had been averted after assurances from the Western Rock CEO that all was well.

However, it seems that investors were not convinced. New queues began to form outside the Western Rock yesterday, and the bank's board were forced to call for assistance from the Central Bank.

Relubbus Central Bank Governor Mervyn Spargo said yesterday, "Crisis? What crisis? The Central Bank has vast reserves of £248.98, all of which it has made available to Western Rock. Problem solved."
Alas for those without the flame of love!
But help arrives from guiding gods above,
Who beckon to the hav'n of affection --
Safely to be enjoyed, without infection!

Letitia Tonkin is an amazing 17 year old, who, at first sight, appears to be a bundle of contradictions. She works part time as a receptionist at a garage on the Long Rock Industrial Estate. The other half of the day she works as a Tarot card reader at the Pengarth Day Care Centre in Morrab Gardens. As far as relationships go, she describes herself as "an experimentalist", having had partners of both sexes and of widely varying ages. (The oldest was 94!)

The mother of three children, Letitia now dreams of finding a perfect father to her kids (and maybe we'll have some more!). She would like an enterprising young man with his own business -- maybe an ice cream van. She is fond of telly and of reading HEAT and Hello magazines and would appreciate a young man who would share these interests with her. If your heart is thumping at the thought of Letitia, then Box 4582 is the one for you.

Maurice Treglown (42) is an aspiring male model from Bone Valley, where he lives quietly with his tame fox, Billy, and his widowed mother, Agatha (75). Over the past couple of decades, modelling assignments in and around Heamoor have been thin on the ground and the resultant lack of income has cramped Maurice's style. He is still waiting to have his first relationship and, given his total lack of experience, is not sure of his orientation. He points out that of the two important beings in his life so far, one of them, Billy, is male and the other, his mother, is female, and he gets along well with both of them. Maurice would ideally like to make a friend from Bone Valley (possibly from the caravan park?), but for the right person he would be prepared to come into Heamoor. If you would like to help this shy young man make his first excursion into the world of relationships, then Box 6521 is the one.

Maude Pierce (33) is a confident young woman who has opened her own solicitor's practice in Hayle. Unusually for someone in the legal profession, she is also a practising witch and, although she would like to find a partner equally interested in Wicca, she has yet to meet a Wiccan male who appeals to her. She has a grey cat, called "Smokey", and a budgerigar called "Mr Pubes".

Maude is a keen pianist and practises for at least one hour each day. She is an accomplished home-maker and bakes mouth-watering cakes, having come first two years running in the Goldsithney nude home baking championships. Maude describes herself as "a bit of a goer" and says that she has very strong physical needs. Being forthright, she adds that she does not mind if she has more than one partner, if they don't mind either. Box 9924 if she is your type of girl.

Trencrom "Betty" Behenna (32) has been one of the more colourful and best known members of the Crowlas gay scene. Betty is a monumental mason by day, specialising in granite tombstones, and a drag queen by night, specialising in anything in Crowlas wearing trousers.

Betty's family has been making Cornish ice cream for many decades and he was destined to take his place at the head of the family firm. However, his life was changed at a stroke. Before Betty ever knew that he was gay, he was once serving at the family ice cream parlour in Porthleven, when a young man came in and asked for a double scoop. Their eyes met and in an instant Betty had fallen for him. He eloped to Crowlas, the acknowledged centre of fairly wild gay lifestyles, to live with the young man and took up monumental masonry to earn his living. In time, a matter of two weeks, promiscuity had set in and Betty had soon worked his way through the entire gay community of Crowlas.

Now a more sober being, entirely confident in his sexuality, Betty would like to meet one young man with whom he could share the rest of his life. If you think that Betty could be the start of your new life, then write to him at Box 4591.

Lucinda Polkinghorne (26) describes herself as a professional lady who supports herself by living on her talents. Originally from Colinsey Road on the Treneere Estate in Penzance and a graduate of Lescudjack School, she has moved to occupy plush premises and consulting rooms in Morrab Road, Penzance -- (just a few doors down from the Library -- 2nd bell).

Lucinda has a bath at least twice a day and is proud of her state of cleanliness, regardless of the disgusting condition of some of those she may have been consorting with during the day.

She also takes pride in the fact that all are equally welcome in her establishment, provided that they can stump up the requisite £2.50 per half hour.

Of course, all this energetic economic activity has but one goal and that is to find Lucinda's perfect partner for the rest of her life. If you think that this could be you, then take your £2.50 round to the Morrab Road establishment (just a few doors down from the Library!). Box 1923

  • And much, much more!

Issue 17, 3rd December 2007

By Science Correspondent Wee Willy MacTodger

Huge excitement is sweeping like a tidal wave through the global scientific community, as Relubbus scientists have revealed that they have "captured" an alien life form -- a veritable green man.

The picture on the left shows the green man being questioned by Professor Pascoe Trevithick and his attractive young lab assistant, Linda Hollow.

The green man has revealed that his name is "Dxyzhyrzhxd", but he would like henceforth to be known as "Ron". "Ron" referred to the far-reaching fame of Relubbus society, which, magnet-like, has drawn thousands of people to come to live within its borders.

He then went on to say that other worlds -- including his, which is called Glxyrrhyzzidotit -- have heard of the flowering of civilisation which is Relubbus. Ron had taken the decision to leave his home planet and come to live in Relubbus as any other ordinary Relubbus citizen.

Ron was found walking down Boswedden Lane early last Sunday morning by PC Derek Hosking, patrolling on his bicycle.

PC Hosking realised that something was not quite right when he observed that "the gentleman" was not walking so much as gliding over the pavement. He called out and approached the figure, whereupon further closer observation revealed that it had no face, just a head. The total absence of a mouth did not prevent "the gentleman" from speaking, as PC Hosking could hear a voice emanating from it, asking to be taken to the Relubbus men of science.

Professor Trevithick (yes, a direct descendent of he of steam engine fame!) and his attractive young lab assistant, Linda Hollow, were quickly roused from their slumbers and began to examine this stranger from the stars.

Ron appeared to be made from green-coloured knitted material. He had no mouth, no ears, no eyes and no nose. Nor did he have any "tackle down below". Despite the obvious absence of this qualifier for the male gender, the Professor respected the stranger’s desire to be known as Ron.

Both Professor Trevithick and Linda were able to confirm Ron’s ability to speak without a mouth as they could quite clearly "hear" his words/thoughts. Further, despite the fact that he was standing immobile, Linda confirmed that Ron was also executing exploratory caresses upon her person -- such that she soon had to absent herself from the laboratory -- which Ron himself cited as a little demonstration that "I aren’t bent!"

His absence of mouth was mirrored by an absence of any orifice anywhere else on his body. However, this did not prevent Ron from emitting an enormously loud and pungent fart, which caused Professor Trevithick to pass out. He was later rescued by assistants, leaving Ron alone -- immobile and quite content -- in the investigation room.

Ron’s request for asylum is being considered by the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s powerful Foreign Relations Committee. It is expected that they will agree to his request, but that, given his strangeness, he might be restricted to living in either Hayle or Camborne.
By Theatre Correspondent Willy Bender
Yesterday, the pulse of theatrical Relubbus beat faster on the occasion of the first night of the latest work of much celebrated, though controversial, Rosudgeon playwright and plumber, Digby Trewin-Chuddlewit. His latest play is a farce entitled Who ate Megan's goose?

As is usual, the playwright himself took the main part -- that of the lead male, Aubrey Tresidder. The three remaining parts were played by (from the left in the picture) Libby Quick (28) of Wendron, playing Agnes Botterill, Gladys Uren (34) of Heamoor, playing Mary Lutey, and Lavinia Cock (31) of Madron, taking the lead female role of Megan Trevanion.

The hallmark of a play by Digby TC, as he likes to be called, is its sheer unpredictability, together with the apparent unconnectedness of the acts and scenes, a feature on which Poliakoff is known to have drawn heavily. However, the thinness -- indeed absence -- of thematic unity did nothing to dilute the enjoyment of the audience, both of whom laughed hysterically right from curtain up.

The play opens with Tresidder sitting on the toilet -- thinking. We -- the audience -- are allowed to hear Tresidder's mental meanderings, which seem to consist solely of his lustful imaginings involving three ladies. With each of these ladies, he engages in easy and comic banter, but I must confess that, for my personal liking, the playwright has relied far too heavily on double entendres. I believe that I counted the response "That's a hard one" 37 times and even after the third repeat (accompanied always by a knowing look at the audience), it began to lose its comic effect and even began to grate on the mind.

The requirement for each of the ladies to slowly disrobe in front of the audience to the soundtrack of "the Stripper' is an ingredient of any play by Digby TC. I don't intend to be "ageist" in any way when I say that this play was, in that respect, a vast improvement on the previous play, in which all the female parts were taken by nonagenarians. The trim young things in this play were a pleasure to watch and I am sure that the DVD featuring these scenes will sell well.

Libby Quick, in particular, deserves a special mention -- not least because she is my neighbour's daughter. Well done, Libby!

The Tresidder monologue -- which lasted one full hour -- seemed to involve the reading out loud of the Relubbus telephone directory, with pithy comments added when the names are known to Tresidder. I am not sure of the legal position here. Digby TC will doubtless say that it was his character, Tresidder, making the various defamatory remarks, but I doubt that this will wash with the great and the good of Relubbus, whose reputations were thoroughly besmirched, to the great amusement of both members of the audience.

Together with the drama critics of The Times and The Nudist Weekly, I was, as this report must surely suggest, a little disappointed with this latest offering from Digby TC. There were highlights in dialogue, in the revealing dances of the trim young things, and in the even more revealing statements Tresidder made about some leading Relubbus figures, but there was also something tired and formulaic about the "predictability" of the unpredictability. Also, we never did find out who ate Megan's goose!

Willy Bender Theatre Correspondent
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There was hardly a dry eye in the whole of Relubbus as the time came to bid the final farewell to one of the most colourful characters to have graced the streets of the city. Archilaus "Soshul" Polglaze, who was immensely proud never to have done a day’s work in his long life, died last week at the age of 84 and was yesterday laid to rest in the Relubbus National Cemetery.

Pictured on the left sitting in a chair outside his house in his famous "at rest" position, Soshul liked to observe life. Indeed, those with a long memory will probably recall that this fondness for observation got him into some trouble many years ago when he was apprehended up a drainpipe at St Clare’s Girls School, peering into a shower room while "looking for bats".

Although he did no work himself, he was a very public-spirited man and could even bring himself occasionally to watch other people working. Typical of the generous nature of the man, when he did so, he was unstinting in his free flow of advice as to how they could perform their work a little better.

A man who enjoyed a fine state of physical fitness throughout his life, Soshul was extremely reluctant to jeopardise this state of health through undertaking work of any sort. His sole motivation for so doing was to avoid incurring any sort of injury which might possibly make him thereafter a burden on society. It was, in a curious way, his life’s work to avoid work. It was a mission in which he enjoyed the greatest success.
Yesterday saw the funeral of much-loved Lennie Lutey of Lanyon Quoit, the postman and amateur trumpeter, who passed away last week at the sadly early age of 62.

Lennie was proud of the contribution he made to society as a postman and was responsible for delivering the post from Newbridge to Nancledra for over forty years.

A resident of Lanyon Quoit, he was an enthusiastic member of the now thriving local silver band, which he founded some 35 years ago.

Together with his partner Eric, Lennie was a very keen keeper and breeder of budgerigars. The pair also built up an impressive model railway track, which included a stretch that came out through the front wall of their bungalow and round the garden -- a feature which proved very popular with all the young lads in the village.

Lennie was never caught and arrested for any misdemeanour whatever. He will be sadly missed by all those whose post he delivered for so many years, as well as by the members of the silver band. A memorial concert is being held for him at Lanyon Quoit village hall next Thursday evening at 7.30 pm.
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He can read your future as well as you can know your past;
His awesome powers of vision will surely leave you quite aghast:
For none is such a master of the arcane divining arts --
And none has power to release such devastating farts!
Aries You are feeling on top of the world this week. Enjoy it -- it won't last! The police will be coming to arrest you next Tuesday. You will be charged, will not get bail, will receive a prison sentence and, as far as I am concerned, they can throw away the key. It was disgusting -- and how can a duck "lead you on"?

Taurus You will have a chance encounter with a stranger in the Kwop next week. It will lead to wonderful things and you will have his baby. The roof needs attention.

Gemini You have been feeling uneasy for a few days now. Stand up for yourself and do not allow yourself to be led into doing things that you are uncomfortable with. A ginger cat will cross your path on Thursday or Friday. If it is on the Friday, you will have a big lottery win.

Cancer Your insurance claim will be unsuccessful. Keep trying, it will work one of these days. Your 101 year old mother is very ill. I predict that she will not be with us for much longer. Treasure her company.

Leo Wendy makes you feel like the woman you always dreamed of becoming. Next month the operation will take place and it is likely to go well. You should now shave off the beard.

Virgo Your mother is right... he was a basatrd and, though he may have been your first boyfriend, he will not be the last -- there are other fish in the sea. However, now you must concentrate on your GCSEs. Next month you will have confirmation that you are carrying the bastard's child.

Libra You are living life at a helter-skelter pace! Slow down! Take things easy. You will not lose your job. Your health will be good. Yes, your sister will die, but that will only secretly make you happy -- your father's inheritance will now come only to you. However, beware! He will be swept off his feet by a gay milkman, to whom he will want to leave all his money. Killing the gay lover "accidentally" is the only way out.

Scorpio You will be the school's conker champion! Great news, but even better, Linda Penhaligon will let you have a feel "upstairs". Try to avoid a trouser accident while you are exploring Linda's upstairs or you will get hell from your mother. You won't be picked for the school football team next week, but hang in there -- next year you're in!

Sagittarius On Wednesday, leave the house at 7.30 am precisely and walk towards the town clock. In front of the First and Last Inn, you will "bump into" someone who will change your life. There is a path for everyone in this world and, for you, it is the path of lesbianism -- enjoy!

Capricorn The bell tolls for someone -- again -- but it does not toll for you. You have years to go yet. You will next week develop the first symptoms of the bladder problem that will be your constant companion until your death in 14 years time. It would suit you to have a budgie or even a parrot.

Aquarius Sell your house -- realise all your assets -- move to Tasmania! That is where the pages of destiny next turn positively for you. If you remain, loss of wealth, health and reputation is foretold for you. You will be reduced to selling your body outside the Swordfish Inn -- but I for one would not be prepared to pay! Be gone! Flee!

Pisces Pleasant Christmas thoughts are beginning to flood your mind. Your kindly soul turns to preparations to make this a Christmas the children will warmly remember for ever more. However, imprisoned as you are for your misdemeanours as scout leader, you will find it difficult to implement these warm thoughts. The appeal will be unsuccessful -- this time...
'He Roundup -- he visit 'he Spanish Embassy
One of the jolliest ambassadors to the Court of St Piran (the formal name bestowed on the diplomatic community within Relubbus) is without doubt his Excellency Don Javier Pedro de Hacienda y del Cuarto de Caballeros, the Spanish Ambassador. "Don", as he likes to be known, is a scion of one of the most ancient and noble families in Spain and is nothing if not a little eccentric.

"Don" has become a familiar sight in the Boswedden Lane diplomatic district, as he sits in his wooden go-cart, which is drawn at breakneck speed by 73 tame squirrels through the streets of Relubbus.

His eccentricity extends to other matters as well. A keen swimmer, he has been an impassioned supporter of the new sport of underwater billiards (without the use of SCUBA equipment!). Incidentally, whilst playing billiards in this manner, he has managed to achieve a record in underwater gas release (as measured by the size and explosive flammability of the bubble reaching the surface) -- a feat he attributes to his diet of homemade paella.

He is pictured on the left, striking the tambourine he always carries with him and with which he punctuates his every word. On high days and holidays, he replaces the tambourine with castanets.

Don has made a strenuous attempt to understand Cornish culture and the way of life. He spends two days a week working at Warrens Bakery in St Just in order to assimilate the Cornish way. He is involved in a secret project there to develop a paella pasty, which will then be launched in Spain.

Despite his noble birth and privileged background, Don has not been very successful academically, having achieved no qualifications whatever in his native land. Now, he is taking full advantage of his stay in Relubbus to try to rectify all that by attending a course at Camborne Tech, where he hopes to achieve an HND in Technical Drawing and Woodwork.

Don is also an enthusiastic member of the 500 strong Goldsithney Mouthorgan ensemble, which meets every Thursday evening in the Scout hut for rehearsals.

Don is not only a keen participant in Cornish life, he also likes to contribute to it. Using the 300 falcons he has brought with him from Spain, he has founded the Relubbus School of Falconry, which has already attracted two students, Bert and Brenda Polkinghorne.

Although he did have a gay phase whilst trying to become an artist back in Barcelona, Don is insistent that his heart (and indeed any other parts) were not really in it and that he has been happily married to Juanita, "who she is expert in making paella!", for 17 years.

Before we knew it, out time (a whole afternoon) had quickly passed and it was time to leave the embassy and its fascinating inhabitant.

For those with official business, the Spanish Embassy is situated at No 365 Boswedden Lane and is open from 9.00 am till 2.30. After a siesta of 4 hours, it re-opens in the evening and closes at 9.30 pm.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too
They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!
Ladies -- meet Keith Trevarnon! He's 47 and is a man with a difference. Ever since a brain injury as a little child, Keith’s language has been restricted to two phrases, which he adroitly stretches to cover all situations. The magic phrases are "Me do peepee now!" and "Are we there yet?" You might think that these linguistic restrictions would have put a brake on Keith’s life, but not a bit of it! He has managed a PhD in psychology and now works as a psychotherapist.

Keith has a 6-bedroom detached house in Goldsithney (no mortgage) and drives both a Porsche and a Volvo Estate. A flamboyant dresser, he is looking for a woman who can match his sense of style and who has achieved a similar degree of success in professional life. A classical music lover, Keith has the Botheras triangle version of all Wagner’s works and would like a woman who will share this love of his. A pipe-smoker himself, he would prefer a woman who does not smoke. Keith is adamant that no scrubbers need apply. Box 4571

Derek Bolitho (36) is a gas fitter from Pendeen. He is Keith Trevarnon's cousin and (as the observant reader will note!) shares Keith's taste for flamboyant dress, but that’s as far as the comparison goes.

Derek has two failed marriages behind him, both of which foundered as a result of his being found "interfering with" with nearby farmyard animals. This aberration has been attributed to his growing up in the countryside in close proximity with farm animals, "which everyone duh find cute, you gotta admit it!"). Ladies will be pleased to note that Derek is convinced that he is over this little weakness now. He is now looking for a cute little lady (he says "no fat tarts") with whom to share the rest of his life. Box 5993

Gwen Bosallow is a 26 year old "working girl" from Tregeseal. The President of the Penwith Prostitutes Collective, she is an assiduous campaigner for the rights of sex workers. It is estimated that there are some 500 working girls in Tregeseal alone. Not liking to bring her work home, Gwen actually works in the square in St Just, taking clients either to Playing Place (by night) or Cot Valley by day.

Gwen is a Sunday School teacher and is an active member of the St Just artists’ circle. Gwen wants a traditional a S'nooster (St Just man) who will be broadminded about her line of work. Box 4321

Loveday Jelbert (22) works in the fruit section of smart, upmarket fruiterer's, Tregenza's, in the Greenmarket, Penzance. She lives with her parents in the sought-after King’s Road area of Penzance. Her mother and father would like her to meet a nice young solicitor or accountant. Escorted to work each morning by her mother and collected in the evening by her father, Loveday has led a very quiet sheltered life, as she has never been allowed out before. Her mother, Alicia, will be accompanying her on all or any dates up to and including the honeymoon, when she will also be joined by her husband, Horton.

Loveday has no interests and has not yet been potty-trained or learned to speak. She is, however, loaded, so men -- do not hang about! Box 5639

Wenzil Tuckbottom (24) is an inventive young man, who is seeking to apply the principles of ballet and mime to every minute of his working day. He has launched his own building and decorating business, called Building Beauty with Flourish, which is seeking to blend gracious movement with utilitarian function. Accordingly his building jobs may cost a little more, but they are performed with beauty (or will be when he gets hired).

Wenzil is looking for a partner -- both in his business and in his life -- to help him in his quest for beauteous life and work. He has designed daily costumes for himself and his partner-to-be -- as modelled by himself in the picture on the left.

Wenzil has not laid down any criteria for his partner-to-be to conform to, merely stating that the right people will apply when they see this advert. ("When he sees this, he’ll know it's for him!") If that is you, then Box 4529 is the one to write to. Wenzil is waiting.

  • Getting to know Relubbus -- Why is Boswedden Lane so named?
  • Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section
  • And much, much more!