Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


A chance discovery on a beach one day has transformed the fortunes of 42 year old unemployed wooden-underwear maker, Ernie Pascoe. It has also changed forever the fortunes and dynamics of the mobile phone industry.

Ernie left school at 16 and having ‘jes scraped through’ CSE woodwork, sensibly decided to apply the knowledge he had painstakingly gained in woodwork to try out the wholly novel idea of fashioning young ladies’ underwear out of wood.

I did’un cos I fancied measurin’ and fittin’ they maids out’, he says. After frantic weeks of fabrication and splintered attempts at fitting with a very-soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, Ernie found himself unemployed and was unable to re-engage in the job market in his chosen field. He therefore got used to a life of penury on the ‘soshul’ for the next 26 years. With no money in his pockets, he used to spend his time walking around the countryside and trawling the beaches.

One day, on a beach the name of which he will not give for obvious reasons (but which is pictured here on the left), he was walking with his sister Tracy’s little boy, 7 years old Dick Warantreth. Dick, a spirited lad, observed others talking animatedly on their mobile ‘phones and suggested that they ‘play ‘phones’.

This meant picking up phone-sized stones and pretending that they were mobiles. Ernie selected two interesting-looking stones and gave one to young Dick and then retreated some 100 hundred yards.

The two put their phones to their ears and were astounded when they really could hear one another speaking. Overjoyed and, at the same time, disbelieving this experience, they went to opposite ends of the beach and whispered to each other and were truly amazed that they could still hear one another loud and clear.

This was the moment when Ernie’s life turned round. Dick (pictured here on the left and henceforth called ‘Moby Dick’ for his part in discovering stone mobile phones) and his mum were also set to benefit, as Ernie enthusiastically explored the potential of his chance find.

He discovered the following:-

Only pebbles of a certain type and marking had the necessary properties to function as phones.

These pebbles were only found on certain beaches in Cornwall and nowhere else. Whilst the pebbles and stones in Devon might look the same, they were useless as phones.

The stone-phones seemed to link into the thoughts of the user and connected to the person they wanted to speak to, if they had a normal mobile phone or a suitable stone.

All stone-phones show up on ordinary mobiles with the same number 06666 666 666.

The stones have been found to be able to store music, film and can access the internet – all powered by simple thought and wish alone.

He took his ‘find’ to RC Oates (97) , the famous Relubbus multi-billionnaire businessman and benefactor of the poor (pictured left), who immediately offered his financial backing. Oates has bought up all the beaches, on which the stones are to be found. They are guarded by land (above and beneath ground) sea and air by 5,000 men of Oates security personnel.

The stones are now being marketed as Oates’s Stone Phones for an incredible one-off price of just £3,000 each. Given that they will last a lifetime and beyond, this is very cheap at the price.

Oates has floated a company ‘Oates Stone Phones’ on the Relubbus stock market and investors have piled into the company, sending its share price rocketing from £5 a share to £6,543 a share in just 4 days and netting Mr Oates an immediate profit of £15 billion.

Mr Oates has also been exceedingly generous to young Pascoe, awarding him a finder’s fee of no less than £1,400 in used notes and giving him a job for life on £53 per week combing the beaches searching out the right stones.

Nor did ‘Moby Dick’ and his mum escape the warm embrace of Mr Oates’ famed generosity. ‘Moby’ is set to receive a free Lucky bag and a copy of the Beano for 10 weeks, whilst his Mum receives two FREE bottles of Babycham and a FREE set of purple nylon bedsheets.

Stop Press: The Relubbus Financial Times has just published a story to the effect that Oates Enterprises (the holding company for Mr Oates business empire) is in talks with Nokia to sell ‘Oates Stone Phones’ to the Finns for £37.9 billion.