Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By Theatrical Correspondent Tresco Angarrack
Germoe Arts Centre was the unlikely location for a world premiere of the latest work from the famous, but controversial, German dramatist, Wolfgang von Afterdingen.

The unusual nature of the event drew arts aficionados from around the world to witness Herr von Afterdingen's latest magnum opus.

The 54 year old dramatist, who hails from Itzehoe in Schleswig Holstein, has astounded and confounded critics around the globe with his innovative and challenging approach to modern theatre. His last work, which ran for 36 weeks in Berlin, and for one night in Camborne, was entitled Pflanzen, meaning "plants" in English.

All the parts in this dialogue-free piece were played by plants. The central role was taken by a rubber plant, called Hans. Hans was flanked by two cut daffodils (which had to be changed nightly), called Gabi and Klaus. The play was divided into 7 indistinguishable acts of 30 minutes each. The full effect of the play was devastatingly powerful, unrelieved as it was by any movement, music or dialogue.

Von Afterdingen fans, reared on such exotic fare, were salivating at the prospect of yet further offerings of dramatic innovation from the great man. He did not disappoint them!

Pictured above is the man known as the "volcano of drama", Wolfgang von Afterdingen himself, as he appeared yesterday in the Germoe Arts Centre in his latest work, entitled Gebackene Bohnen, or "Baked Beans" in English. He is the only actor in this play, which continuing a theme that is becoming something of a trademark for his work, contains almost no dialogue whatever.

The play has one act only and it lasts "as long as it needs to" according to von Afterdingen. The great man is put on a diet of nothing but baked beans for a week. He then takes the stage. The curtain goes up. He is seated in his chair, looking a little strained. He announces "Ich habe gebackene Bohnen gegessen!", which means "I have eaten baked beans", though he does not believe that a translation is necessary.

He resumes his seat, and then, with many a pained expression, produces a series of trumpeting farts. When, at last, he is out of wind, the play is over. Yesterday's performance lasted for one and a half hours.

When the great man had concluded and left the stage, the audience was, at first, stunned. When full realisation of the great man's originality dawned, the audience slowly but surely broke out into thunderous applause. The great man, tired from his exertions, did return to the stage, but explained that he was not able to perform an encore.

The rapturous reception from all three of the audience has ensured that the play will run and run at Germoe and there is now even talk of a transfer to the Madron Scout Hut.

Tickets for the play are available from Mavis Pengelly's Sauna and Massage Parlour at Germoe at a price of only £35 each. Readers are advised to rush to get their tickets now so as not to be disappointed.


Pictured below is an angel of our health service, charming 28-year-old virgin, Sister Tamsin Roskilly from out Tregavarah. But is she more? Could she also be, as her mother now claims, the most beautiful girl there ever was?

Tamsin is, of course, very talented and this is evident in her already having become a Ward Sister at the West Cornwall Hospital, before the age of 30. She has also -- over the years -- assembled an impressive collection of 17 tame albino moles, with which she feels a great affinity.

Being extremely short-sighted, she has compensated by developing an acute sense of hearing, which enables her not only to locate objects but also to discern their colour and judge their weight, just by listening closely. The nursing staff have sometimes jokingly, but very fondly, referred to her as "the bat", because of her astounding abilities in this respect.

However, her mother Agnes now claims, in a revelation that has set the whole of Tregavarah gossiping, that her daughter is none other than the re-incarnation of the fabulous Helen, wife of King Menelaus of Sparta, the cause of the Trojan war and whose face, according to Homer, "launched a thousand ships".

We ask our readers to take a long lingering look into the eyes of Tamsin and see if they can then withdraw. There is, you will agree, a curious magnetic pull to those eyes -- a hypnotic power, which draws you ever further in -- behind the bottle end glasses into the soul of this chaste, but passionate, female.

In an instance of history repeating itself, Agnes Roskilly also revealed that a boat is to be launched (in the boating pond next to Lidl) and named after her daughter -- the Tamsin. The boat will be launched by her neighbour's 8-year-old son, Tommy, sometime during the summer half-term holiday. It will be crewed by Fidget, one of Tamsin's moles.

Mrs Roskilly would also be pleased to hear from any young Menelaus out there who is so struck by Tamsin's photo that he would like to meet her.


Staff at the Upper (top of Causewayhead) and Lower (Queens Square) Kwop in Penzance had their annual mystery charabanc tour last week.

Always hugely popular, each year there is the prospect of being taken off to some exotic mystery destination. Last year, the destination turned out to be Marazion beach. Wrapped up warm against the biting wind and driving rain, the jolly Kwop employees amused themselves playing beach games and managed to keep going until warm pasties and tea arrived. Devouring these quickly before they cooled, they then scuttled back into the waiting charabancs and set off on the long (three punctures) journey back home.
Pictured above is the happy crew before setting out last week -- and before the unfortunate incident

Yes, it's all smiles in the picture of last week's trip -- and why shouldn't it be? The destination turned out to be Land End -- always popular with the young folks.

On the left of the picture is the vehicle that developed the fatal brakes problem, which only became apparent when the driver (Dickie Trembath, 41, shown on the extreme left) was demonstrating to Betsy Clemo (25) on the extreme right "'jes 'ow fas' this li'l beauty can go and 'ow quick I can stop". Picking the scenically breathtaking final destination of Lands End for this impromptu demonstration proved to be the undoing not only of himself and of Betsy, but also, of course, of all the other occupants of the charabanc, as it went hurtling over the cliff's edge at Lands End at a speed of 52 mph...

The occupants of the other Kwop charabancs at first mistakenly thought that the rapidly disappearing vehicle had been hired out to visiting Japanese tourists of a kamikaze variety.

They then discovered, to their great dismay, that the entire cheese, bacon, bakery and tinned goods sections of the Upper Kwop had been "taken out" at a stroke.

It goes without saying that enjoyment of the rest of the outing was somewhat muted. Mr Addicoat (67), the general manager (pictured on the right wearing a hat and with a handkie in his top pocket), spent the rest of the day working out how to man the two shops with diminished staff numbers.

Meanwhile, the remainder of the staff put a brave face on it and, the weather being warm and benign, took off their coats and played rounders until the pasties and tea arrived.

Thus duly revived, and with many a mention of the need for taking on "the war spirit", our plucky KWOP operatives gave themselves over to, at first tentative, but then gradually increasingly enthusiastic nips of fortifying spirits supplied by Mr Addicoat.

All in all, the surviving members of the Kwop staff deemed the 2008 annual outing a great success.

If any readers have particular aptitudes in respect of the keeping of cheese, bacon or breads, they are asked to contact Mr Addicoat, who may well have good news for them in respect of lucrative employment in the Upper Kwop in Penzance.