Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


The Carnyorth cultural establishment was rocked and shaken to its foundations yesterday by the publication of a ‘compromising photograph’ showing Madron Polkinghorne (49), the revered Chairman of the Carnyorth Cultural Institute and Big Cat Zoo seemingly involved in “an irregular activity” with a large cat in a pond.

Mr Polkinghorne, a flamboyantly colourful character with odd habits and questionable personal hygiene standards, used to work as a delivery driver for the St Erth Creamery until it closed down.

As soon as he moved to Carnyorth from somewhere ‘up country’ in the Camborne area, he became a keen member of the 4,700 strong Carnyorth Cultural Institute, participating with enormous enthusiasm in all events until he was elected chair.

The Institute was devoted to the practical arts and its courses and seminars drew aspiring artists, sculptors and writers from as far as New Mill.

Polkinghorne was sometimes controversial, as, for instance, when he suggested that he should become the first full-time paid employee of the Institute on a salary funded by levying an annual fee of £1,000 per member. Polkinghorne was quick to point out that some of the £4.7 million raised in this manner inevitably went on unavoidable annual running costs, such as paying for his Porsche and driver. He insisted that, after necessary deductions of this sort, he was lucky to be taking home £500,000.

He attracted yet further controversy when he proposed that he should ‘road-test’ the female life models. However, his devotion to the success of the Institute was such that even his initial detractors came to be his supporters.

As Chairman, Polkinghorne, describing himself as a big cat lover, persuaded the Institute that a “Big Cat Zoo” with lions, tigers, cheetahs, panthers, leopards and jaguars would be a natural extension of the Institute’s activities. Polkinghorne then spent much of his time – alone – in the company of the cats.

Yesterday’s photograph – snapped by a passing Salvation Army collector (Miss Doreen Andrewartha (109)), who was as surprised as Polkinghorne evidently was – clearly shows both parties – Polkinghorne and a lioness known as ‘Betty’ – in a pond together with no clothes on.

Being ‘discovered’ in this manner clearly put both of them off their stroke. Betty retired, muttering disconsolate growls, to her pen, whilst Polkinghorne was busy shouting pathetically unbelievable excuses to the hastily retreating Salvation Army collector.

The RSPCA (The Relubbus Society for the Protection of Cruelly–treated Animals) has been called in and there is talk of Polkinghorne being dragged before the Relubbus courts. The Roundup will remain on the case!



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