Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Professor Tristan Tremethick (87) President of the Relubbus Institute for the Study of Democracy and Contemporary Society has spoken out in damning terms about the introduction of the Unitary Authority in Cornwall.

He describes the advent of the Authority as “another sorry milestone step down the sad trail of the complete disappearance of Cornish identity”.

Tremethick, a Prospidnick-born academic of deservedly high international repute, has always been noted in the past for the moderate expression of his globally valued points of view.

However, now he says, ”I am too old to bother to dress my views in the decent clothing of moderate speech. The time for that is, passed.

Now it is time for those views to be seen naked and nude – for them to be heard loud and clear, for I sound the bell of the very disappearance of the Cornish! Kevin Lavery heralds Cornwall’s slavery”.

Tremethick condemns the coming of the authority and turns the full power of his formidable analytical and prophetic mind to where its introduction will lead us.

He avers that others apart from the Cornish population (who voted clearly for retention of the district councils) have determined that the population of Cornwall does not need to be heard. Those others have also determined that the needs of Cornwall can be better met by just one council.

So, he concludes, the will of the Cornish people was ignored. So, he finds, there was no democracy in this big decision. Where the will of the people is ignored, you have dictatorship. Where you have the voiceless governed by dictators, you have slavery.

He further points out that not only does this new governmental arrangement lack democratic foundation, it also lacks functional effectiveness. The Council becomes physically far more remote from the people it “serves”.

The Roundup has taken the lead from Professor Tremethick and asked the new Council whether it is not more remote from the people of Cornwall than were the District Councils, which made district administration answerable to the people of the district.

The new Unitary Authority has declared that this remoteness will simply not occur.

Its new spokesman (pictured left) I M Sawson (42) imported from Buckinghamshire on a salary of £80,000 stated, “We are going to introduce a 24 hour call centre to deal with any queries anyone may have about any of the workings of the new council. Their calls will naturally be very important to us.

When pressed several times to reveal in which part of Cornwall the call centre would be, the small-voiced response came back from Mr Sawson that the call centre was being set up in Bangalore in Indiato save Cornish people money’.

All two of the staff at the call centre (pictured left) would be fully trained in the ways of the Cornish, Mr Sawson assured us.

Asked whether the calls would cost any more than a local call, Mr Sawson snorted and laughed derisively, pointing out that a call to India could hardly be classed as a local call.

He stated that calls would be charged at no more than £2.37 per minute and that keeping waiting times below 20 minutes would be a high priority during the first five years of operation. He further added that the Council was fully aware that some people in Cornwall would like to speak a language other than English and gleefully pointed out that now they could try out their Hindi.

For his part, Professor Tremethick sees further dark developments following on from the introduction of the Unitary authority. He says

“When the nationhood of Cornwall is ignored in this manner, it will only be a matter of time until Cornwall is subsumed into a greater Corn-Devonwall in the interests of containing costs and of providing a better service to the consumer. The Council would then be located in Exeter.

Thereafter, it is a matter of yet a little more time and then we shall even see Corn-Devonwall subsumed into a yet greater unit called Swengland to be ruled from Bristol.”

Tremethick states that no one can stop this inevitable outcome – no one, that is, except the people of Cornwall, if they develop a strong enough will and a loud enough voice.


Roundup Reporters have uncovered a secret plan hatched by the Duchy of Seine Königliche Hoheit Prinz Karl von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha to open an underground rail network in Cornwall in order to relieve road traffic pressures above ground.

The secret plan is already in an advanced stage of preparation with numerous routes already built, including the West Penwith line.

The picture on the left is taken in the tunnel on the Zennor-Pendeen section of the line, which is now complete.

The trains will use a completely new type of technology code-named ZGB (believed to stand for Zero Gravity Bullet). This permits very high speeds without passengers experiencing any sensation of high speed travel.

According to design engineer, Trenwith Polglaze (36), of Goldsithney,(who will now sadly lose his job for talking to us), “the doors duh jes’ shut and open without you moving at all, but when they do open, you see that you are in the next station – it’s magic!”

A secret document shows the proposed journey times between certain destinations. The Zennor-Pendeen section will take just 2 minutes, whilst the stretch from Pendeen to St Just will take a mere 60 seconds. The extensive network is likely to see many people doing away with their cars for good.

Whilst the new underground system is now likely to be warmly welcomed by most of those who live in and visit Cornwall, it is also sadly likely to fuel the flames of controversy.

Firstly, property prices are clearly set to shoot up in those places on the underground route, whilst those hamlets and towns not on the route must reckon with a plummeting fall in property prices.

This can be seen on the attached map, where the West Penwith line leaves Sennen and moves directly to Mousehole, completely bypassing St Buryan. This will be a severe blow to those living in St Buryan, and a particularly cruel blow to any,who might have just moved there recently.

A second source of controversy lies in the fact that some businesses are more conveniently located near to stops than others. For instance, RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus is right next to one of the 25 stations in Relubbus, whereas Morrisons and Tescos in Penzance are some way from the nearest stop, which is at Gems Salon, Poltair Close, Heamoor. Similarly Shelley’s Hair and Beauty in St Just is likely to receive a boost by being located to one of the 6 stops in St Just.

Leaving aside the many controversies, most people are likely to be pleased by the provision of this advanced travel facility.

Many people will be wondering why the Prinz should be making such a gesture to the people of Cornwall. The Roundup has acquired a copy of a tape in which Seine Hoheit explains his actions thus to one of his aristocratic advisers, Heini von Porridge (both pictured here):

Seine Hoheit: “Heini, I haff all my life taken £ millions every year from ze Cornisch. Mein Gott, Zey might be counting!

Now MPs and even ze BBC are giving beck expenses, I sought zat I should give ze Cornish somesink beck. Now I can say zat I haff been takin ze Cornisch millions so zat I could give zem a Underground railway!!””

Heini Porridge: “Exzellent, O mein Prinz! You can also say zat it is good for ze environment – far fewer cars – etcetera!”

Having his whole life long taken huge sums of money as a landlord from one the poorest areas of the UK, the people of Kernow can now expect the Prinz and his Duchy to present them with their brand new Underground railway. If not, just what has he been doing with the money? Shall we count the millions???!!