Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


As regular readers will know, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" is actually none other than Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has convinced large sections of the English press that she is an aristocrat!

On Tuesday, the "Duchess" visited Plymouth Naval Base, where she was guest of honour at the commissioning of the Navy's latest state-of-the-art vessel, the huge aircraft carrier Titanic. Lily has become a firm favourite of the matelots: she has already attended the commissioning of seven warships, namely the Black Pig, Venus, Hispaniola, Marie Celeste, Jolly Roger, Skylark, and Graf Spee.

Lily Nicholls is a talented and resourceful Cornish woman who has, up to now, enjoyed great success in her chosen profession of conning the English. However, on this occasion, her luck almost ran out! She was half-way through her speech when -- disaster! A passing seagull, evidently mistaking "Camilla's" lined features and large white hat for a weather-beaten, guano-encrusted, sea crag, alighted on her hat and settled itself, as though on a nest!

For a moment, Lily was unaware what had happened, until the bemused expressions of the onlookers made her realise that something was wrong. Slowly, a titter of mirth passed through the audience and Lily became embarrassed, thinking that her disguise had been penetrated. However, Lily is made of stern stuff and, drawing herself up to her full height, she shook her head, as though to clear her senses. At this, the bird flew off, with the "Duchess" still no wiser about what had happened!

Luckily, ace Roundup photographer Snapper Kelynack was there to capture the moment, shown above.


Relubbus Roundup teams up with the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt!

Although it is far smaller than Relubbus with (at the last count, in 2004) just 34,600 inhabitants, Liechtenstein has two excellent newspapers, one of which, with millions of readers, has been selected by the Roundup as its international partner. This lucky winner is the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt.

The two globally significant news organisations sent one representative each to a half way point (a roadside café in Hesperange in Luxembourg) to sign an historic agreement which will henceforth mean that Liechtenstein gets inside news about Relubbus and vice versa. The news of the signing has sent ripples around the media world and is said to have caused Rupert Murdoch to have sleepless nights.

Attending the signing for the Volksblatt is their Economics Editor, the very well-informed and deeply attractive Kornelia Pfeiffer.

Kornelia (27 and from Vaduz), pictured here on the left, has the equivalent of thirty two 'O' levels, including Typing and Geography. She is finely attuned to the vibrant throbbing rhythm which characterises the Liechtenstein economy.

Kornelia has long been fascinated by Cornwall and looks forward to an attachment to the Roundup at its premises in the Swordfish, Newlyn.

The Roundup's able representative at what will, in future Media Studies degrees, come to be known as the Hesperange Agreement, is none other than the grand-daughter of the Relubbus mega multi-billionnaire R.C. Oates, little Tamsin Oates. Party girl Tamsin left school (the prestigious and fabulously expensive Nancledra Ladies Academy, run by Miss Tregonning) at sixteen without any qualifications, but this has not held her back in her glittering career. Now 23, she runs the stationery and catering departments at the Roundup.

Curious readers can view the online version of the Volksblatt at www.volksblatt.li.

The link up will provide readers in both countries with many advantages. Two avid readers, Grace Hocking (37) and her friend Martha Lukies (45) from Gunwalloe, pictured here on holiday in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, welcomed news of the big media hook-up. "If you duh think ov'un, it'll be uh proper job. If I duh advertise Enty Mabel's old mangle fer sale in the Roundup, someone from why over to Liechtenstein might want to buy'un. It duh give we a bigger audience, dunna?"

Delighted Volksblatt reader Max Buechli declared, "Tja, wir freuen uns wahnsinning darüber. Relubbus und Vaduz gehören zusammen."

It is expected that the media link will lead to many other cross-cultural connections between Relubbus and Liechtenstein. The Relubbus Institute for Foreign Languages will be making great efforts to help bridge the language barrier. It is producing one of its famous four-way phrasebooks, a few snippets of which we present here. It tells you what you need to say...

Yn Gernow:

  • Piw os'ta?
  • Ass yu brav an gewer.
  • Toemm yu hi.
In Cornwall:
  • Oo aree?
  • Proper weather, inna?
  • Sum 'ot inna?
In England:
  • Who are you?
  • What fine weather!
  • It is hot.
In Liechtenstein:
  • Wer sind Sie?
  • Was für schönes Wetter!
  • Mir ist heiß.
People interested in travelling to Liechtenstein will be thrilled to hear that, from next Wednesday, the Western National Bus Service will be running half-hourly services from Penzance Railway Station, via Relubbus, to Vaduz in Liechtenstein. The competitively-priced service will cost £1 14s 4d for a single ticket and £2 9s 8d for a return.