Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By Cassius Dink, Professor of Modern Politics at Relubbus Oates University

There are those who might think that it is of little concern to the fortunate folk of Relubbus what transpires in the lands beyond Cornwall. In a sense, this is correct, since the economic might of Relubbus frees it from any concerns arising from the plunging fate of the UK, but it would be impolite to ignore what happens in that benighted state.

Furthermore, my professorial focus obliges me to map and comment upon not only the deliberations of state in Relubbus but also upon the fate of lesser states. Accordingly, I present my view of the twisting yarn of fate in the UK.

Skewered on the twisting spike of his own inadequacies, Gordon Brown, the bruised and bloodied bull of British politics retires from view each day to lick his wounds and to avoid the cruel barbs of the frenzied mob and the burning comment of the blazing Sun, before emerging to get battered yet again.

It is at this point that we must pause from viewing this scene of his daily humiliation to take a look at one who would claim to be his likely successor.

Political son of Tony Blair and grandson of St Margaret of Finchley, David Cameron (pictured here with his principal Etonian pal, Osborne) has wide-ranging plans to reform the British State and we take a look at some of these.

Having analysed information from Tory HQ generously supplied to me by the Relubbus Intelligence Police (known by comics as “The Undead” after their acronym RIP), I will comment on 5 Cameron levers of change, which reveal the essence of his true plan, which is to shrink (that’s not ‘sink’ – Ed) the State of Britain.

Disadvantaged Heroes

Cameron believes that the real heroes of Britain are those noble folk, who take on the burden of expenditure in place of the State. This happens in, say medicine or education, where private individuals opt out of claiming on the state-provided service and pay privately for their needs, as Cameron’s daddy did, in his own case, by paying for him to go to Eton.

These selfless heroes pay via National Insurance for the education and medical treatment of others (such as the labouring man on the left) whilst, at the same time, paying huge extra amounts to cover the cost of their own education and medicine privately.

A Cameron government sees provision of tax relief for these heroes as an early priority.

Under a Cameron true blue Tory government, the full cost of private education and medicine will, in future, be able to be off-set against tax in order to relieve the undue financial pressures on these selfless heroes.

Help for handicapped private schools

Whilst State schools enjoy huge flows of money from the taxpayer to completely support them, struggling private schools (such as Eton - here left) up and down the country enjoy no such help. Whilst they may be outstanding providers of quality education, they have to struggle, along with the self-sacrificing parents of their pupils, to carefully husband precious resources in order to keep standards up.

A Cameron government will halve the money currently being handed over to the State sector and pass it on to the hard-pressed private sector. With tears welling up in his eyes, Cameron has often been heard to say I will even things up a bit. As a member of Eton’s 6th reserve croquet team, it was source of great shame that we couldn’t afford to have our own croquet lawn just like the other five teams."

Civil service shake-up – here come Windsor Associates

The staff of the Civil service will be reduced to zero and the paltry few ‘necessary’ functions that remain will be taken up by a private firm called Windsor Associates. Like the Tory front bench most of the staff will be ex-Etonians, as the name gives away. However, to prove absence of bias and even-handedness, some staff might be drawn from other public schools like the ranks of Harrow or even, at a pinch, Stowe.

Plans show that Windsor Associates will supply 12 staff to take over the Treasury, 12 staff to take over the Foreign Office, the Home Office and the Ministry of Defence and all remaining departments will be closed with their prime central London locations to be sold off to raise urgently required funds.

Social Inclusion

Baroness Warsi of Dewsbury will spearhead the reform of British society, which is the primary goal of the Cameron Tory government. Labour seems to have prided itself on looking after the interests of the many.

However, under Labour rule, no one was looking after the interests of minorities, such as the very few people who earn in excess of £5 million a year. Warsi will change all that. She will be assisted in this task by Jonathan Woss, a member of a tiny oppressed minority of £6 million plus per annum earners, who will join her in the Lords as Baron Wossi of Wadio.

Under a new Tory government, Warsi and Wossi are understood to have agreed to immediately end all benefits payments – for ever. Millions of people have been receiving handouts totalling billions each year. Speaking in her fluent Dewsbury, Warsi is quoted as saying, the kuntry kant afford it n’ more. It’s time for tuff luv!”

This policy will be buttressed and supported by a new Act of Enclosure.

The Act of Enclosure

Large areas of the UK will be ‘enclosed’ or fenced off. These will automatically include the Council Estates (like the one shown here) on which most former benefits recipients live and any other former benefits recipients will be shipped into the enclosed areas.

This action will lead to vast savings. ‘Enclosees’ will be required to ‘stand on their own two feet’. They will receive no State aid. There will be no policing, no free hospitals, no free doctors. However, there will be banks and shops, private healthcare providers – all the facilities of modern life, all heavily guarded and available to anyone at all – at a price.

These are just some of the secret plans of Leader Cameron, who sees himself as the man, the Leader, who can lead the country out of the economic mire into which the Labour party has taken it.

Indeed, it has emerged that, in the comfort of his own bath tub, he would prefer to be known, following his link up with certain right wing groups in Europe, by the German version of his title, der Führer.

Rupert Murdoch, the saintly mega multimedia Australian press Overlord has himself deigned to support Cameron. He has instructed his roboslaves in Sky and the paper rags he commands to ‘put the bloody knife in Brown and give it a daily twist from me! He was me best mate once, but now he looks like a bloody loser, hang ‘im out to dry!’

Speaking to Cameron from the luxurious confines of the outback dunny, in which he believes he makes his best contributions to life, he was overheard telling Cameron that there is no such thing as a free lunch. He is said to have instructed that Cameron must get the Queen to abdicate and offer the throne to “my boy, James”.

So, one wonders, will he do it? Well, Cameron has been overheard by the RIP singing in his bath tub “King James’s men will understand what Cameron's lads can do….”

Don’t miss the next 'Christmas Preparations' special issue of the RELUBBUS ROUNDUP!!!


Ethel and Madron Batten (both 56) are Long Rock born and bred and very proud of it, as indeed they are also hugely proud of the fact that neither of them has ever been further than 5 miles from Long Rock. As Madron says there’s no place better, not even Trura, although I ebbent bin there!”

Proud of their Long Rock origins, Ethel likes, for obvious reasons, to keep quiet the fact that her great grandmother came from St Buryan. “She was orright really, bless ‘er soul. She couldn’t ‘elp it, could she? Some one ‘aev got to come from Burryan.”

Ethel makes wigs “fer bald ‘orses” and works from the comfort of the marital home, which is a handcrafted and lovingly maintained shed by the hedge in the field behind the house in Darlington Road with a swimming pool.

Madron is a proud man, who claims never to have taken a penny from the ‘soshul’ and has held down a wide range of jobs, from Lollipop man to pet shop owner to part-time scarecrow and air traffic controller (we are checking this last claim – Ed).

The much-loved couple are regarded as the social glue of Long Rock Society with Ethel being a mainstay of the local WI and acting as resident jam and cake judge for over 24 years.

For his part, Madron has held the title of ‘Mouse breeder of West Cornwall’ for forty years and he is known for always having a mouse or two secreted about his person. He calls the females “Kitty”, which he thinks is very witty, whilst all the males are known as “Little Willy”.

Madron had been the local Father Christmas for 30 years until his ill-advised proposal to offer extra sweeties to the kiddies, if they could find his “Little Willy”. Despite the widely accepted innocence of this idea, it was agreed that it was now perhaps high time time for the red coat to be handed on.

Incurious about life further up Cornwall, the blessed duo have no knowledge or interest in anything which takes place outside West Cornwall, let alone Cornwall itself or beyond Cornwall. Says Ethel, “Long Rock’s enough fer we and Ludgvan itself is almost too much!”

Two years ago they won a holiday to California but they gave it way. Says Madron, “We aren’t interested in Californee. P’zance is as far as wot we wunta go. We went there fer ar huneemum one afternoon 35 years ago. I got dizzy jes lookin at everythin’. We ad to come ‘ome in the evening as I couldn’ take no more."

Holding hands for the camera, this loving Long Rock couple declared that they were now well set for the next 35 years.